Friend has accused me of being a useless friend

[EmeraldGreenSea]

I am currently going through IVF and have been TTC for 3 years. 5th cycle has just failed. I feel utterly broken this time (much more than usual). I have told friends about it because I am tired of fielding off questions and comments all the time. That said, I don't really reach out to friends (I get my support from mom and husband) and put on a brave face, as it were.
Post concerns my "best friend" from college. We're now 30. She's always been emotionally very needy and has always leaned on me and I've gone above and beyond in supporting her over the years. We used to be very close but after uni moved to different areas and of course our contact wasn't as regular but she's always very obsessed with me being her "best" friend. She's not reeeally that great on support but because I never ask her for any I don't feel let down.
Her father sadly passed away suddenly and they had been estranged. I was very sad for her and of course immediately sent a card, called and sent text messages. I didn't hear from her but of course didn't think anything of it and said to call when she felt able and that I was always here for her.
In the meantime, I had a very distressing family situation to deal with (not death) but left me emotionally spent as it was a constant stress. Added to that, I did my 5th IVF cycle and my thyroid completely gave up. I can't start another cycle until I get this sorted and I don't know how long that will take.
During this month, I didn't hear from my friend and I didn't contact her either. Time just whizzed by and I was numb the entire time. We spoke in early May on the phone for 2 hours and I left her to speak only about her dad. I didn't tell her about the IVF failing as It wasn't about me, she needed to talk. She asked if I was pregnant yet and I said I was still trying with treatment but didn't say much else apart from that it was emotionally tough. We exchanged text messages afterwards a bit.
Then our friend had a baby. Yesterday we went to see her and meet the baby. This of course wasn't easy as I don't find babies easy to be around but I am happy for our friend so put on a brave face for our lovely friend who has been lovely to me despite being pregnant.
My friend corners me in another room and aggressively tells me I've been a useless friend and hadnt supported her for a whole month. I said I felt like I had but she hadn't contacted me back and she hadn't mentioned this when we spoke at length recently. I said that I didn't want to harass her if she wasn't returning calls. She said it wasn't good enough and she was amazed at how useless I've been. I said I had had an awful time myself and she said it wasn't an excuse. I'm ashamed to say that I broke down but she kept laying into me.
We left shortly after (felt awful for my other friend but she understood). My friend text me afterwards to say that she felt like I didn't care and was disappointed. I reiterated what I said earlier but she persisted. She said "we need to talk on the phone soon to discuss this as I need to know what you want from our friendship". This has weirdly shaken me. What would you do. My husband is not happy about her being so bullish and I need an impartial perspective I think.
Thanks, sorry this is so long.

Thanks everyone. I have woken up feeling even more so that this wasn't ok. I am going to tell her this when she phones.

To that point, do I completely not contact her until then?

She sounds about 12.Losing your parents is not a get out of jail card or abusing your friends.It sounds like this friendship is so one sided its all about her.

When she rings wouldnt answer,start as you mean to go on.Put yourself first and deal wiht whatever you have to.Then if you have the energy deal wiht her.If not just leave it.

Poor you

That's a shitty thing she's done. I've also had the lecture about how crap a friend I was, both barrels. I listened and when she said "so how do we move forward" I replied that we didn't. That I felt her outburst was unjustified and that if we had been the "best mates" she said we were, we simply wouldn't be having this conversation. Then I left her slack jawed, walked out of the pub and cut contact.

I felt lighter immediately. I wouldn't contact her straightaway. I'd let it sink in then when she makes contact I'd act surprised she was doing so and tell her as much "given how shit you clearly think I am". That you've had time to think and feel you don't need or deserve someone that tries to have an emotional hold over you and won't be contacting her again. I'd wish her well then disengage.

So her phone doesn't work to call you then?

It's not her responsibility to maintain her side of the relationship?

And then she chooses to lay into you when you have had to psych yourself up massively to meet a baby after your 5th failed round of IVF?

Fuck her op

I know who should be laying into who.

I've been there for the t shirt from 2 dead parents and 3 failed IVF cycles so I can empathise on both sides, but there is no doubt in my mind over who is wrong here. Shame on her.

said to call when she felt able and that I was always here for her.

'I said to call when you felt able. I am not a mind reader and have my own tough time going on. It is not all about you. Unless you feel like apologising we need to cut this friendship now as it seems a little one way to me.

Well I would resign from the position of best friend pronto.

I wouldn't wait for her to call. Do you honestly think she'll get off the phone without putting the boot in several times? Who needs that?

So I would text her to head it off.

"Hi, have been thinking about what you said and given what we have both been seperately going through recently, it seems we cannot be there for each other as we would want. So I think it's best we take a break from each other right now before we get even more upset. I'll always love you and wish you well but this will be goodbye for a while. Best of luck".

I wouldn't bother contacting her.
People are weird!
I'm so glad I have lovely friends.
I can't imagine any of them doing this to me.
We don't talk from month to month but we have good catch ups and enjoy it when we do.

I had exactly this with a very needy university friend when I got pregnant for the first time aged 30. Baby was not planned and other half was very new boyfriend, so I was very stressed about it. I had also only recently recovered from a severe bout of depression which had seen me hospitalised.

When it was clear I was going to go through with the pregnancy and make a go of it with BF, she totally threw her toys out of the pram. Had a proper tantrum because I couldn't trek to the other side of London late on a Friday night when I was feeling crap with pregnancy, after a long week of a pressurised job, to support her in something.

Our friendship had been exactly as you describe - me supporting her in her many, many dramas and nothing much in return. I realised she was pissed off that I now had another priority over her. The relationship never recovered and I haven't seen her in about a decade.

Can I be devils advocate? If she did have no clue that you were going through a tough time yourself from her point of view you were not there for her. However, saying that once you explained she then should have understood.

Thanks so much everyone. What an amazing forum. Hotwaterbottle, you make a really good point but she did know about this. We saw each other a few months back and I told her about it. When we had our very long chat I mentioned it then too.

And to be honest, added to the IVF, my own family issues at this time we're just as distressing (as the fertility stuff, I mean) so it has all been quite the rollercoaster for me too.

People like her are very one sided.Only interested in what you can do for them.
I wouldn't bother contacting her,leave her.She's not worth it.

She sounds awful. I know I cut myself off from my friends a bit when I lost my DM, and some friends did disappear for a bit, but it doesn't sound like you did at all. Please don't carry any guilt, you've do e nothing wrong.

I echo what a lot of other posters have said.

Stand firm and stick up for yourself. 665 has it right in that the label "friend" or "best friend" doesn't mean she gets to dictate how you should behave and hold you to some random standard she has decided to set.

good luck for your IVF.

I agree that she doesn't have the right to treat you this way and that you should speak to her about this but just want to say, I know in my experience of losing a parent I was in a really bad place for a year or so after. You said it happened suddenly and she was estranged from him, there's probably a whole lot of feelings there that she is trying to deal with (guilt they didn't reconcile? Probably because she thought she had more time). I think it's really unfair for the poster who said "we all know we'll lose our parents".... that we expect, but that's not to say that it makes it any easier....I wasn't prepared to lose my parent when I did, that's not the same as thinking I'd lose them at some point. If your friend is only 30 I can't imagine her father was particularly old?

I am not saying for one moment that it's right she spoke to you like that, I'm just saying please be aware that she may well be in a very bad place right now too and although some posters try to minimise it, and it's not the end of the world, for a lot of people (particularly when it's a complicated death....unexpected, estranged relationships) it can feel like the end of the world....I would hate for my actions following the death of a parent to affect how people felt about me, as like I say, I was not myself for a long time after.

But at the same time she needs to be aware of your feelings and that you have your own difficulties to deal with.

I'm suspicious of adults who need a "best" friend.

Same here. I've been through something very similar to you as well, OP - in fact, I'm astounded that so many people on here have experience almost identical situations! I haven't been through IVF, but on my part there was significant mental illness, horrible stress with social services, a miscarriage, and a death within my family. Ex friend had lost her dad after he'd been ill for over a year.

Neither of us were there for each other in the ways we'd have liked. Like you, I'm the brave face/soldier on/keep it to yourself type. I just don't ask for help, at the time it was a completely alien concept to lean on friends for support - I've always turned to my family and my DH for that, and always prioritised them in turn.

She, on the other hand, is terminally self absorbed and needy. She always had very high expectations of friends - she's a 'classic' only child and seems to expect the same level of attention and devotion from friends that she always got from her parents. She has had a number of 'best friends', who she relies heavily upon, and expects complete loyalty to the point where she considers you a lesser friend if you don't blank/delete/diassociate yourself from people she's fallen out with/perceived to have wronged her in some way.

It's very hard. You're emotionally and physically drained enough as it is without her melodrama. Losing a parent is devastating - mine are still alive, but my dad has an incurable neurodegenerative disease and we're losing a bit more of him each day. That in itself is all consuming. There's a line which is used a lot on MN, which has always helped me, and that's to never invest more of yourself than you're able to give. I think it's very wise.

Take care, OP. Definitely cool the friendship for now, and I wish I had better advice. Best of luck with the IVF too x

Ask yourself what do you actually get out this relationship? I think it's personally time to put a stop to it. It's all about her and you supporting her, when does she support you or ask about your problems or life? She sounds extremely selfish and staining and I think it's time to move on.

My friend was going through ivf and I tried to be as supportive and considerate as possible. She isn't doing that at all for you.

Hmm. You really don't need anyone like that. You've outgrown that uni emotional high drama nonsense and she hasn't.

I had a friend like that. When I stopped being her emotional mop she got nasty. Even wrote an article in a magazine about me 'ditching her' when all I'd done was stop being bullied (also during 5 years of failing IVF OP, so for what you're going through. It's so gruelling.)
She got back in touch after ten years to say she was prepared to be friends again but only if I'd spend two days listening to what she felt about our relationship fallout. Surprisingly, I forgot to reply and haven't heard from her since.

You said she could contact you if she needed to. That was absolutely fine. She can't not bother to contact you (especially bearing in mind she knew you might need support) and then blame you for failing to sense that she expected to be contacted.

I really don't think you need a friend like this. I think she needs to be told that it was completely wrong to lay into you whilst ignoring the fact that you had your own major problems to deal with, and it was grossly unfeeling to do so at a time when she must have known you were particularly vulnerable. Far from you being the one who didn't care, she made it very clear that she didn't care in the least about the awful time you were having.

As for her needing to know what you want from the friendship: tell her that you want nothing from the friendship, because she has made it very clear that she is prepared to put nothing whatsoever into it, and it's probably better that it comes to an end now.

Even wrote an article in a magazine about me 'ditching her'

Fucking hell, victim complex or what! That's shocking, notagiraffe. Did you get any stick from anyone over it?

No, Beauty. She didn't name me in the article but named events which clearly showed who she was referring to. Another friend sent me a copy saying, 'Have you seen this?' There was a time when it would have upset me but I just read it dispassionately wondering how far from reality her version of events could get. I was very soft in my twenties. A pushover. Much tougher now. Low tolerance for needy drama queens. Lots of tolerance for lovely people who struggle on and need support but never ask for it! They're the ones who deserve time, attention and support.

Is she a journalist, not, or was it an article in one of the weekly women's disaster magazines? I'm still completely agog!

Notagiraffe, I am also amazed by this! Humans are weird. Thanks so much everyone, I cannot begin to tell you how much this has helped.

I'm going to send her a text summarising my position and where I am at the moment in terms of how bleak and difficult it is. I am going to finish by saying that I am so sorry for what she's been through and continues to go through but that I did tell her I was here. Finally I am going to say that I am not able to support anyone in the way I have been able to previously because I am not the same person that everyone is used to relying on right now. This does not mean that I don't care but I need to set expectation based on my own circumstances (which have no 'end' date) and that is the best I can do.

It sounds like your friend can only think of herself. She may have a tendency towards borderline personality disorder characteristics.
Does this strike a chord with you in relation to her:
"Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived
A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices)"
The problem is all hers. I have a relative with this and your friend's reactions are exactly the same as hers. All this 'you don't care enough' (because you are not on your knees begging me for forgivenness). And 'we need to talk about your behaviour in relation to me' (I am not done with emotionally making you pay for what I perceive as you ignoring me when I am hurt).
Your friend is hurt and angry over who's knows what (nothing to do with you). Yet she is perceiving it as your fault. Her mind looks outwards to see someone she can blame and unfortunately it is your turn this time.
With this sort of person, they form a very strong attachment with someone (craving their approval in a really needy way), then when they perceive the person has 'rejected' them or the person has not answered their need they react with this over the top rejection and anger sort of behaviour.
With the person I know, I would know expect a long and abusive email from them, detailing how I have damaged them over the years and how I have been the cause of any upset in their lives, been responsible for decisions they made for the past decades etc etc.
So now you have to decide, how can you move forward in your life and protect yourself from this person.
If you get angry with them they see that as you dismissing their attempts to be a friend. So you would be dismissing their good intentions and that angers/hurts them more. They are not aware of their own behaviour in these situations.
Yes it's fucked up so you are not dealing with logic here.
What I suggest you phrase it is like this: Always, always always state what's important to her and you first. So you say something along these lines: my relationships with my friends are very important to me. However, in the past few years I have had a lot of issues to deal with. I simply don't have the bandwidth to devote as much time as I did to my friendships, as my relationship with my husband comes first and I rely on him for a lot of support I treat you exactly the same way as I treat my other friends. I have treated you with respect and given you as much time as I could afford at one time. I did not deserve the emotional outburst you made on me the other day.
So speak to the person, and refer to the behaviour as something seperate.
So it is tough. In my experience these people can get nasty as others have said. If she sends nasty texts or emails just ignore them. You will also get the 'I am the victim here' crying etc etc you made me have a nervous breakdown sort of shite if you go on the attack to her.
But at the same time, they suffer from mood swings and next week she could well be all nicey nicey and wonder why you are off with her. Her anger will move to someone else soon hopefully.
Good luck with everything and don't pander to that sort of behaviour. You are a good person and you treat people fairly. That's the bottom line. So don't let her make you question yourself as a person because that is the strategy they know that hurts people most.

Sorry it was so long!! Don't defend yourself or explain yourself or feel you have to tell her everything about yourself. Don't. You have nothing to apologise for. It will make no difference. She is only feeling her own pain and cannot sympathise with you - if indeed she is of the flavour of person I am talking about.