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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friend has accused me of being a useless friend

80 replies

EmeraldGreenSea · 05/06/2016 23:43

I am currently going through IVF and have been TTC for 3 years. 5th cycle has just failed. I feel utterly broken this time (much more than usual). I have told friends about it because I am tired of fielding off questions and comments all the time. That said, I don't really reach out to friends (I get my support from mom and husband) and put on a brave face, as it were.
Post concerns my "best friend" from college. We're now 30. She's always been emotionally very needy and has always leaned on me and I've gone above and beyond in supporting her over the years. We used to be very close but after uni moved to different areas and of course our contact wasn't as regular but she's always very obsessed with me being her "best" friend. She's not reeeally that great on support but because I never ask her for any I don't feel let down.
Her father sadly passed away suddenly and they had been estranged. I was very sad for her and of course immediately sent a card, called and sent text messages. I didn't hear from her but of course didn't think anything of it and said to call when she felt able and that I was always here for her.
In the meantime, I had a very distressing family situation to deal with (not death) but left me emotionally spent as it was a constant stress. Added to that, I did my 5th IVF cycle and my thyroid completely gave up. I can't start another cycle until I get this sorted and I don't know how long that will take.
During this month, I didn't hear from my friend and I didn't contact her either. Time just whizzed by and I was numb the entire time. We spoke in early May on the phone for 2 hours and I left her to speak only about her dad. I didn't tell her about the IVF failing as It wasn't about me, she needed to talk. She asked if I was pregnant yet and I said I was still trying with treatment but didn't say much else apart from that it was emotionally tough. We exchanged text messages afterwards a bit.
Then our friend had a baby. Yesterday we went to see her and meet the baby. This of course wasn't easy as I don't find babies easy to be around but I am happy for our friend so put on a brave face for our lovely friend who has been lovely to me despite being pregnant.
My friend corners me in another room and aggressively tells me I've been a useless friend and hadnt supported her for a whole month. I said I felt like I had but she hadn't contacted me back and she hadn't mentioned this when we spoke at length recently. I said that I didn't want to harass her if she wasn't returning calls. She said it wasn't good enough and she was amazed at how useless I've been. I said I had had an awful time myself and she said it wasn't an excuse. I'm ashamed to say that I broke down but she kept laying into me.
We left shortly after (felt awful for my other friend but she understood). My friend text me afterwards to say that she felt like I didn't care and was disappointed. I reiterated what I said earlier but she persisted. She said "we need to talk on the phone soon to discuss this as I need to know what you want from our friendship". This has weirdly shaken me. What would you do. My husband is not happy about her being so bullish and I need an impartial perspective I think.
Thanks, sorry this is so long.

OP posts:

Andbabymakesthree · 06/06/2016 12:05

I think that text is very gracious considering her bullying antics.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 06/06/2016 12:30

She is only feeling her own pain and cannot sympathise with you - if indeed she is of the flavour of person I am talking about.

Just to add my 2p - not everyone with BPD is like this.

Your text sounds good to me, OP. I agree it's very gracious, considering!

CarbeDiem · 06/06/2016 13:16

I cut out all of the ''friends'' I had like this. They are just too selfish and draining. I never minded trying to offer comfort and support to those i thought I was close to until, on a few occasions, I really needed them and they weren't there for me at all.
The death of a close family member doesn't trump other people's problems and certainly doesn't turn you into a big fat bag of arseholes - I know because I've recently lost my own mum. I'm still here for my friends and family and interested in their lives.
You'll feel much better once you've distanced yourself x

Original poster

EmeraldGreenSea · 06/06/2016 14:03

Thanks so much everyone. Sandie, I appreciate that message so much - you are describing her to a t. This is exactly what I'm doing with. I've spent some time reflecting on this and I've not sent her anything and will perhaps reply with something like what you suggested in your post. A million thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

EmeraldGreenSea · 06/06/2016 14:06

Sadie9, sorry for the typo

OP posts:

RaeSkywalker · 06/06/2016 14:07

Emerald I hope you're feeling a little better now. I think that sadie's suggested text is brilliant.

sadie your description has really touched a nerve with me too- it's uncanny much someone I know resembles it.

Original poster

EmeraldGreenSea · 06/06/2016 14:15

Rae, I agree, it was so well written and I'm sure lots of us know someone like this. These people really get under your skin. I am feeling better, thank you.

OP posts:

Thurlow · 06/06/2016 14:24

I need to know what you want from our friendship

Well, I'd quite like a friend who can give support as well as take it...

simonettavespucci · 06/06/2016 14:38

Emerald I think your text of 11.52 is really good. It has no recriminations and doesn't blame her but just very clearly sets out your boundaries and what you need/want. It's sympathetic to her, but it's also unarguable with.

I would be tempted to send something a lot more sarcastic, but I think that what you wrote will have a the best effect. And then just rinse and repeat, and reduce contact.

I agree with people saying her DF's death may have knocked her for six, of course, but it sounds like this is a long-standing pattern.

dowhatnow · 06/06/2016 14:48

I like your text op. You offer her what you can and then it's up to her whether to take what is offered or not.
If you speak then keep repeating thet you said you were there if she needed to ring you. Keep reminding her that you are in a difficult place too, as she well knows, and that you haven't got as much to give as usual but it doesn't mean you don't care. Don't apologise or grovel. You don't even need to explain your own worries to justify anything - not unless she asks in a genuinely interested and supportive way. Don't get drawn into long convoluted discussions. She accepts that she's asking too much or you draw the conversation to a quick conclusion.

TBH I think your eyes have been opened and you realise how unbalanced the friendship has been. I don't think you will ever view it as a great friendship now. Offer what you can and ask for respect back. Don't settle for less than you want in a good friendship.

TBF though, if you've always been the one doing all the giving, it may be a shock to her system now the worm has turned. Give her a chance to re - evaluate her role as a friend and see if she comes up trumps. I can't see it happening personally but do feel you should give her a brief chance when all your cards are on the table.

IcyTeaAndScoopyScoopyDogDog · 06/06/2016 14:51

Just as you said, I wouldn't want to be too harsh because she has lost her dad

I lost my dad in Feb and I wouldnt ever, ever speak to anyone the way you were spoken too.

Hotwaterbottle1 · 06/06/2016 17:16

Then if she knew she is totally out of order. My best friend just lost her dad at the same time I was having surgery and we both were there as much as we could be for each other and were both completely understanding of each other. Friendship is totally two way.

228agreenend · 06/06/2016 18:35

Best friends don't attack their friend for,not contacting them. Why couldn't she pick up,the phone and call you, even just to say she's having a rough day and needs to vent? Her behaviour was uncalled for, and very rude. The visit should have been abou the baby (well done you for visiting), not about her.

Your text above is excellent.

notagiraffe · 06/06/2016 20:04

Beauty she did some confessional journalism of the kind you read in Guardian Family section (it wasn't in that but similar.)

Original poster

EmeraldGreenSea · 06/06/2016 20:29

Notagiraffe that's awful, I've heard it all now. I haven't received my 'call' so I'm just going to leave the ball in her court. If I haven't heard from her by Friday I'll send the text. Thanks again all.

OP posts:

timelytess · 06/06/2016 20:34

Advice: Only remember, there are no friends. They are like spoons, nothing more than useful illusions.

britmodgirl · 06/06/2016 20:51

Tell her to piss off.
Seriously.

AWafferthinmint · 08/06/2016 00:03

Did you hear back?

Original poster

EmeraldGreenSea · 08/06/2016 00:14

I actually decided against texting her actually. Thanks for asking. I don't want to jump to her tune immediately if that makes sense. I know (from experience) that she'll be 'testing me' to see if I call her. She won't feel like she's in the wrong, I know that. If I haven't heard from her by Friday I'll send it over the weekend.

OP posts:

Oddsocksgalore · 08/06/2016 00:31

Haven't read the full thread.

Take no notice op and concentrate on yourself.

Best of luck for the future.

DontMindMe1 · 08/06/2016 23:44

I know (from experience) that she'll be 'testing me' to see if I call her. She won't feel like she's in the wrong, I know that

i've known people like her, in my experience the best way to deal with them is by leaving the ball in their court. Any call/text you send will get used against you - after all, how could she be in the wrong in any way?! Just don't give her any oxygen.

She said she would call you so leave her to it. If she calls then you talk frankly with her. If she doesn't then....yaaaaay!

and if she comes back to you at some point down the line then just refer her back to the court she left her ball in

DoreenLethal · 09/06/2016 07:01

If I haven't heard from her by Friday I'll send it over the weekend.

You really shouldn't.

Drbint · 09/06/2016 10:43

I'd drop her and not send her anything. You'll be wasting your time. Either she's too knocked for six by her own grief to be rational or she's a mega-selfish bitch, but either way you will get nothing but more trouble and upset at a time when you really don't need it.

DailyMailGOFuckOff · 09/06/2016 10:54

Bloody hell. Iv had to tell someone they were expecting more than I could give when they went through some serious MH problems due to factors in my own life but I wouldn't in a million years tell anyone but DP if they weren't giving me enough id just assume they had their own things happening.

Wow

Original poster

EmeraldGreenSea · 09/06/2016 11:22

Thank you. DailyMail I agree, I might bitch to DH about people from time to time (don't we all) but it would never enter my head to do this.

OP posts:

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