My husband loves another woman, what do I do next?

[dancingK]

For the past 32 years I now realise I have been far too tolerant. I have an exceptionally talented husband who myself and our three children (23, 18, 16) adore and love.

I work full time and I thought we had a strong relationship, where I understood his needs as a 'free spirit', and gave him plenty of 'shed' time.
He has always flirted, and we have laughed at some of the ridiculous situations he has got himself into.

About 10 years ago I had all sorts of difficulties with work, elderly parents and just keeping everything together. I probably did suffer with mild depression and just concentrated on everyday stuff - our relationship was definitely not a particularly close one. We just got on with making sure the family was succeeding, which they have.

With hindsight, this is where the cracks really started showing, I did try to suggest 'us time' and organised interesting things to do, but we weren't really communicating any more. It was distressing how much he didn't seem to want to cherish me or our marriage.

Should I have been surprised that he started an emotional affair? Not really, but I was utterly horrified. We weathered through that, she left the scene, but then someone else has come along. This particular friend, is a neighbour who has subsequently left her husband and is very independent and very available. She has fallen in love with my husband.
Then the lying started. He cannot deal with my emotional outbursts, so prefers to pretend he is doing something else. He feels that because we have been so distant for such a long time he hasn't the same obligation any more.

Well that is where he is now. He is a self employed artist, and so never stops creating, but he will be with her now, as I write. Then he will come home and pretend he has been at work.

When ever I have found out they are together; Spain for a conference, regular evening classes together, Edinburgh Fringe Festival, Beer Festivals, lunch-time meet ups... and so on - she thinks I know, so therefore it must be OK! He appears to have given the impression that we have some kind of 'open marriage'.

He says he isn't leaving because of our youngest who is still doing exams needs us to be a strong unit at home.

I am just being ignored, in the sense that I can be very upset, explain how I feel, he consoles me, and then just carries on...

What am I supposed to do?

I want my home and family and a loving husband, who doesn't crave being with the woman he loves.

Any advice?

Ladies, please help.

DancingK

He loves someone else and is seeing her blatantly under your nose. I can't see how you have any marriage left or why you still want him.

Expressing yourself creatively does not involve putting your penis in things you shouldnt

especially those pesky man traps.

This is really reminding me of the plot of a Fay Weldon novel that I read about 20yrs ago.

Got a feeling that one ended with the wife and mistress moving in together and kicking the Talented Artist out on his ear.

I want my home and family and a loving husband, who doesn't crave being with the woman he loves.

OP

Just read what you wrote above. If your husband loves another woman, then he's going to want to be with her.

Perhaps your children who love and adore him need to see him for the cheating man that he actually is. They love who he presents himself to be.

They may well still lovehim after they know he has a girlfriend and that he wants to keep that way.

Tell me - as he's not into you anymore, I take it he'd have no issue with you travelling around and spending time with another man?

How about you plan a nice weekend away to pamper yourself and tell your going with a couple of friends he doesn't know. You need some relaxation.
Are you still intimate or just living like roommates?

Any advice?

Stop being the woman who does his laundry and cooks and cleans for him, while his OW gets the trips away and has all the fun.

He's having his cake and eating it. He has no desire to change the status quo, because he's having a great time at your emotional expense.

The OW doesn't have to deal with his dirty socks and domestic matters. The other 2 people in the triangle are just fine it's just you who's being fucked over here.

Get your finances in order. Open a bank account in your name only and only leave enough for necessary bills in the joint account if that's how you operate.

Exams are coming to an e d soon, get your finances in order in anticipation of kicking him out, get some free time to have some fun with friends DS. If a family unit is so important to him then leave him at home and go off for a weekend with friends? Go out without him for dinner?

Then part ways with man.

Are you ok, OP?

The Op hasn't come back has she, she is probably shocked by the replies all basically saying the same.
She must realise that she is being taken for a fool, in going along with his "choices".
I'm sad for her, I think she needs time for the realisation to set in.

Op I hope you are okay

OP Are you okay?

I know it's tough reading but there is a lot of support here.

Oh God. Another one.

Hi everyone,

After the initial surprise of the number of responses, and the singularity of the messages I hear the advice I have been requesting very loud and clear; I have to come to terms with the reality of my situation, and act positively and directly.

Thank you SandyY2K for the link to 180 degrees - very empowering. It was exactly what I needed at that moment the other night.

I do need to accept the marriage has ended. The relationship my husband and I have is hollow as far as any intimacy is concerned and I have to be ready to start a new and challenging part of my life. I suppose I have been grieving for quite a long time.

I will tell him at the end of June that we have to separate. (after my youngest daughters' exams are finished).

I have not shared the marriage break down with anyone I know, apart from talking to my husband. I will find it a challenge to admit to family and friends that we will not be seen as married any more. I am not very good at confrontations, but I will stop compromising.

I will sort out the family finances.

The house will be the biggest difficulty - I think he will agree to sell it in a five or six years time when our 16 year old daughter is at University or has a job - but I am fairly certain he will refuse to leave the family house until she is not needing to be at home.

I feel that when I declare my decision of the separation to my husband he will expect to stay in the house until it is sold in 5-6 years time. I am almost 100% certain he has no intention of living with the 'woman he loves' (but I may be wrong - I didn't really think he could continue being hurtful when I asked him not to be). He says he is not interested in having a sexual affair, but has admitted, after many years of me pestering, that she is not 'just a friend'; he is having an emotional affair. He just wants both his personal freedom and his family - it's 'another mess' as someone commented. I suppose I need to get some legal advice about how to manage who is living in the house. I know that he needs to leave if I am serious about the separation.

I really appreciate how much time and effort everyone has put into this thread, thank you for all of the responses. I definitely feel a lot more positive and pro-active.

I will keep you all posted.

DancingK

Bless you. Good luck with it all and I hope you manage to separate properly i.e. live not under the same roof ASAP, for the sake of your own wellbeing. I'm sure you will feel much better when you have done this and can start building a new life without his affair destroying your self esteem. Keep posting if it helps you.

Glad to hear from you and you're welcome re the 180.

Wouldn't your DD go to uni at 18?

Your DH can have freedom and family, but family will not include you.
It's hard going, but you just couldn't carry on like this.

Now why do I not believe that 2 grown adults who travel around aren't having sex. Does he really expect you to believe that. I'd feel somewhat insulted at being fed that line.

A solicitor will advise you about the house and DD can live with either of you if you sell and split the money. I suspect he doesn't want to have to pay anything towards her - hence only selling When she's left.

You can still get divorced before that though.

Sorry it's come to this.. but no point him having an OW and tearing you apart.

I'd force his hand wrt sale of the house.

DON'T shy away from the truth. Covering it up on his behalf could later make you look unreasonable, when you have processed the new reality and want to move on.

Tell everybody from the postman to the parish gossips that the marriage is over because he's in another relationship now. That way nobody will judge you for ending the marriage. Nobody (sane) will think you're unreasonable to want to sell.

He on the other hand will look like an entitled arse hole if it becomes known, widely known, that he is in another relationship and you decided to end the marriage and yet he won't move out. The woman he loves will be the first in the queue to find that very hard to understand.

So tell an edited version of the truth. It will be in your interest later, although it feels humiliating to begin with.

Good on you DancingK!

Go and see a solicitor now. You don't have to initiate or do anything until you're ready but knowledge is power. And your H is not used to you having power. It's a good starting point.

Of course he won't want you to upset the comfy set up he's got by him leaving - he's having his cake and eating it, you as domestic service provider and the OW for fun times.

No one will judge you, tell people to get the support you need. His affair will look what it is - tawdry - with the light shone on it but that's his look out.

I would suggest telling him he can do this in a civilised fashion behaving with honour/keeping his reputation - or not.

I got my exH to leave the house - as he too was strangely reluctant to go start his new life with the woman he loved - by stating I would name his married OW in the divorce papers & his parents offered to deposit his belongings at the place they both worked.

Oh OP well done. But just beware. He is still lying to you. Without a shadow of a doubt.

Well done. You have come so far DancingK. Thank you for posting and letting us know how it's going.

I agree with going to see a solicitor, just for a discussion of what your options are/ would be. I am not sure how you can separate and live under the same roof. Did you mean you would move out and he would stay? How is that different from what is going on now? That you and him would remove wedding rings, or sleep in different bedrooms?

I also agree (when you are ready) that it is fine to tell others he is in another relationship. The nature of the relationship (whether it is emotional/ physical) isn't really the point. You don't need to elaborate and in fact, you can sound very dignified just saying that you do not want to discuss his business but he's involved with another woman. There IS someone he is more intimate with so this is not lying nor gossiping, nor slander.

I don't necessarily blame him for having another relationship if yours has virtually disappeared. What is abhorrent is:
a) the lying and the dishonesty (you had to pester him until he could 'admit' to an emotional relationship. V high odds he's still lying, but anyway...)
b) the living a 'family life' whilst carrying on this way ie. getting to play at being a 'great father' without his children knowing the truth of what he has done to you, having his domestic duties taken care of, without needing to bring the mundane into his 'emotional affair'.

He sounds like a coward. A brave, caring and dignified man would say (without pestering), "Things haven't been close between us for a long while. I've fallen in love with someone else. What shall we do? What would you like me to do? Would you like me to move out?".

You will definitely need to be prepared to get tough with him. He will want things to simply carry on the way they are, and will therefore agree that you are 'separated' - but at the same time, he will expect ongoing domestic service, ego-stroking and 'discretion' from you, ie you are not to tell anyone else that he has another woman, and keep up the pretence that you are a happy family. He sounds like a harem-keeper type of man anyway - because he's so 'wonderful' he expects to have several women dancing attendance on him: one for domestic work, one or two for sex and several more for unquestioning devotion.

I agree with Sandy entirely.

Get your finances in order. Then shove one of his exceptional paintings up his arse & kick him out.

I'm pretty sure he'll prove to lose his attractiveness to OW when she has him full time & while he continues to be a 'free spirit'.

Sorry! Just realised I missed a whole page of this thread!

Name her in the divorce. Another few posters said kick him out after your youngest child's exams, I'd agree with that.

Another one here saying do not allow him to stay once you've told him it's over - I've been there and it is a truly terrible farce to live through.
And I suspect you feel in some way embarrassed that your marriage is now at an end... This is his shame, not yours.

Why would he get to decide to stay in the house?
It's time you took control.
See a solicitor you can name her in the divorce and get him to leave.
Your posts read like he makes all the decisions. That needs to change
This is not a strong family unit.

ZOMBIE!