My husband loves another woman, what do I do next?

[dancingK]

For the past 32 years I now realise I have been far too tolerant. I have an exceptionally talented husband who myself and our three children (23, 18, 16) adore and love.

I work full time and I thought we had a strong relationship, where I understood his needs as a 'free spirit', and gave him plenty of 'shed' time.
He has always flirted, and we have laughed at some of the ridiculous situations he has got himself into.

About 10 years ago I had all sorts of difficulties with work, elderly parents and just keeping everything together. I probably did suffer with mild depression and just concentrated on everyday stuff - our relationship was definitely not a particularly close one. We just got on with making sure the family was succeeding, which they have.

With hindsight, this is where the cracks really started showing, I did try to suggest 'us time' and organised interesting things to do, but we weren't really communicating any more. It was distressing how much he didn't seem to want to cherish me or our marriage.

Should I have been surprised that he started an emotional affair? Not really, but I was utterly horrified. We weathered through that, she left the scene, but then someone else has come along. This particular friend, is a neighbour who has subsequently left her husband and is very independent and very available. She has fallen in love with my husband.
Then the lying started. He cannot deal with my emotional outbursts, so prefers to pretend he is doing something else. He feels that because we have been so distant for such a long time he hasn't the same obligation any more.

Well that is where he is now. He is a self employed artist, and so never stops creating, but he will be with her now, as I write. Then he will come home and pretend he has been at work.

When ever I have found out they are together; Spain for a conference, regular evening classes together, Edinburgh Fringe Festival, Beer Festivals, lunch-time meet ups... and so on - she thinks I know, so therefore it must be OK! He appears to have given the impression that we have some kind of 'open marriage'.

He says he isn't leaving because of our youngest who is still doing exams needs us to be a strong unit at home.

I am just being ignored, in the sense that I can be very upset, explain how I feel, he consoles me, and then just carries on...

What am I supposed to do?

I want my home and family and a loving husband, who doesn't crave being with the woman he loves.

Any advice?

Ladies, please help.

DancingK

You seem to be in awe of his artistic talents as if that somehow gives him license to be a spectacular wankbadger - especially to you

It doesn't.

You are deserving of love and care & should feel safe in a relationship and so so much more. Ditch the groin itch who checked out years ago and create the life you want for yourself, one where you put yourself and the children first - as someone should. It will be liberating & you'll be amazed how much less stressed you'll feel once you no longer have to deal with him. Good luck Dancingk

He's created a life where you adore him, to the extent that you laugh about the funny situations that his flirting has led to ?! How can that even happen in a normal healthy relationship.

Yes, that struck me as totally off as well. This game/ manipulation of you, has been played for a long time. It sounds like you're seeing the light though.

You are far more tolerant than me. I would have put a knife through every last one of his canvases.

Do you really 'adore' him? Or, if he is really that high profile are you just proud to be associated with him?

He is an appalling husband and an appalling example of a father.

You can wait for exams to be over, hopefully another couple of weeks? In the meantime while you wait, get a handle on your financial situation and take some legal advice. It might not be that easy to get him out of the house unfortunately. Although he should do the decent thing and get out because the current situation is intolerable.

First thing tomorrow: ring for a solicitor's appointment. Find out your legal position.

As soon as exams are over, he leaves or you do.

You sign the divorce papers asap.

That's what you should do.

There is this idea that being the domestic appliance of a Really Special Important Man is a reward in itself. It isn't. It's far too easy to start thinking of yourself as an inferior human being who is so lucky to have such a Really Special Important Man in your life that you must never, ever ask for any consideration or kindness from him.
However good he is at his art, he's still a human being and so are you. You don't exist just to wash his pants, cook his tea and raise his kids.See a lawyer, get practical advice and start making a life for yourself that's ab out you.

Do you have daughters? If so, this is doing quite the mind fuck on them. This was my parent's marriage and what I learned is Daddy likes his mistress way more than his wife - so what is the point of being some man's wife?

I re read your OP and it made me even angrier.

You've been giving him "shed time" (jesus) and laughing along with his flirtations and forgiving emotional affairs. And he takes it all as his due. In fact he thinks you need to suck up that your husband is fucking another woman because your child is doing exams. he has no idea of sucking up NOT fucking another woman for the same reason -because he couldn't imagine not indulging himself for someone else. but he can certainly imagine you doing it.

and the one time you were going through some real life tough experiences with elderly parents etc, you were left to deal with it on your own and also left to deal with the understandable depression you had on your own.

Do your children really adore him? Really? My children love us but I would never use the word adore. why do you?

children, especially grown up ones, see things quite clearly in my experience. If you dh is so up his own arse that he thinks he can have you at home, mistress out of home, lots of time away to diddle around, not give support to anyone but coast on being "talented" then my guess is your older children might well be thinking "god dad is a bit of a pain in the ass isn't he" too.

they will love him but they won't see him as you seem to- deserving of every excuse for bad behaviour because he is highly talented.

He could have painted the sistine chapel and I wouldn't think it worth my life being ruined. you should value yourself just as highly.

I can only concur with the others. Wait 2 weeks till exams are over and then kick him out. There isn't a "solution" to this because you and your husband have very different ideas of what marriage means and I suspect you always have had.

Exams are over in two weeks. Use that time to get your ducks in a row, see a solicitor etc. As soon as exams are completed give him the ultimatum end affair or leave and mean it.
Currently he has his cake and eat it. There is no incentive for him to do otherwise. Even if your marriage is finally over it can't be any worst than this, can it?

'I agree that you should try to wait for exam period to be over. That way, you have bought yourself a couple of weeks to get your paperwork in order. As the MN saying goes "get all your ducks in a row".

The calmly and forcefully tell him to leave.'

This with bells on!

Find your anger
Look up 'pick me dance' and 'cake eating infidelity'.

You deserve MUCH better and it's NOT your fault he's a sexually incontinent dick!

Get rid! Now!

Get rid now!

Good grief op, you've supported and enabled him to be like this and set him on a pedestal to boot!

Either you kick him out or you continue this non-marriage so he can happily carry on his affair. He's got it made, with bells on 😳

A unanimous LTB. Not often on MN. I don't cry it that often, but I think I agree with every word written here, including the insights. Dear dancing, please use MN if you need to get in touch with your anger or 'talk' things through. I know it will take a bit of a mind change, but from your OP and even the fact you are posting, I think the mind change is happening.

What would you tell your daughter if she asked the same question?

and one thing i will advise you to do before he cops on to what you are planning is to sort out all the finances - you said he's self employed so you get copies of all his tax returns, all your bank statements etc - I assume you have a joint account so you are going to want to sort that out before he empties it.

I'm just trying to imagine what would happen if I tried this at home:

Me: "But darling, I'm a free spirit and exceptionally talented so that means I can ignore you and shag other women whenever I like."

Mrs Maximus: "The door's over there."

Not that I would actually want to try it in the first place. Despite being an exceptionally talented free spirit

How are you a "strong unit at home" for your daughter when he treats you like this?

I'd wait til after the exams though.

Good grief this is depressing to read.
Please OP, pick your self esteem up off of the floor and kick this cheating fucker to the curb.
Why are you putting up with it?
You can't make him want you.
He wants someone else.
When my ExH had an affair I told to him to go and be happy with her.
I wasn't making him happy. I'd never trust him again so off he needed to go to find his happiness.
Then I found mine!
You need to find yours.
Stop being his doormat.
Stop doing anything for him. Shopping. cooking, cleaning, ironing, putting stuff away. Nothing.
And once exams are over pack his bags and kick him out.

I actually feel quite depressed reading this. Why are you making excuses for him? Why is he still allowed to walk all over you? I usually don't agree with the harshness of some posts on here but this time, I think they are required.

Your children are all just about adults. They will know what is going on surely? Why are you covering for him? The youngest child - I can accept shielding from this - but not the other two. I'd prefer to know if my Dad was a philandering waste of oxygen.

I hope you see sense and that you deserve a hundred times better than this lowlife

It's a bad idea to adore another human being. You can love and like very much but why adore? He's not an idol. He's just a man you married and who now doesn't give two hoots about you, but you have him on a pedastal that he needs to get knocked off.

He knows you worship the ground he walks on and will continue to treat you like something he stepped on, unless you put a stop to it.

I do quite a of relationship work and you know what men like your DH say to the OW about their wives?

"She can't live without me. She'd crumble. I can't leave her for you. She'd never manage. She loves me too much"

I can't tell you how much it pisses me off to hear such utter crap.

You can live without him.

where is OP ?

Op, being talented, creative and a free spirit is not a reason to be unfaithful. My DH is also exceptionally clever and talented but would never, ever treat me in such a disrespectful and unkind way.

There is no other answer except to get divorced as soon as the exams are over. Don't let the rest of your life be as miserable as you feel right now as you deserve so much better than this.

My DP is a musician, very creative and also a free spirited guy. In the 8 years we've been together he's never even looked sideways at another woman.

Expressing yourself creatively does not involve putting your penis in things you shouldnt.