My husband loves another woman, what do I do next?

[dancingK]

For the past 32 years I now realise I have been far too tolerant. I have an exceptionally talented husband who myself and our three children (23, 18, 16) adore and love.

I work full time and I thought we had a strong relationship, where I understood his needs as a 'free spirit', and gave him plenty of 'shed' time.
He has always flirted, and we have laughed at some of the ridiculous situations he has got himself into.

About 10 years ago I had all sorts of difficulties with work, elderly parents and just keeping everything together. I probably did suffer with mild depression and just concentrated on everyday stuff - our relationship was definitely not a particularly close one. We just got on with making sure the family was succeeding, which they have.

With hindsight, this is where the cracks really started showing, I did try to suggest 'us time' and organised interesting things to do, but we weren't really communicating any more. It was distressing how much he didn't seem to want to cherish me or our marriage.

Should I have been surprised that he started an emotional affair? Not really, but I was utterly horrified. We weathered through that, she left the scene, but then someone else has come along. This particular friend, is a neighbour who has subsequently left her husband and is very independent and very available. She has fallen in love with my husband.
Then the lying started. He cannot deal with my emotional outbursts, so prefers to pretend he is doing something else. He feels that because we have been so distant for such a long time he hasn't the same obligation any more.

Well that is where he is now. He is a self employed artist, and so never stops creating, but he will be with her now, as I write. Then he will come home and pretend he has been at work.

When ever I have found out they are together; Spain for a conference, regular evening classes together, Edinburgh Fringe Festival, Beer Festivals, lunch-time meet ups... and so on - she thinks I know, so therefore it must be OK! He appears to have given the impression that we have some kind of 'open marriage'.

He says he isn't leaving because of our youngest who is still doing exams needs us to be a strong unit at home.

I am just being ignored, in the sense that I can be very upset, explain how I feel, he consoles me, and then just carries on...

What am I supposed to do?

I want my home and family and a loving husband, who doesn't crave being with the woman he loves.

Any advice?

Ladies, please help.

DancingK

Horrible situation, but so far I agree with pretty much all the advice that you have received. I know you may have been hoping someone would condone his behaviour, but it isn't likely to happen. You are worth 1000 men like this. It sounds like your marriage has been dead in the water a long time, but accepting that and moving on must be the hardest thing to do. I respect anyone who can and I hope you have the strength to. Good luck

When ever I have found out they are together; Spain for a conference, regular evening classes together, Edinburgh Fringe Festival, Beer Festivals, lunch-time meet ups... and so on - she thinks I know, so therefore it must be OK! He appears to have given the impression that we have some kind of 'open marriage'.

You've found out they are together on so many occasions and still put up with it. It is an open marriage at his end, and you're holding the door open for him. I'm sure he's very persuasive, and it's difficult when your kids adore him and you don't want their hero to be in tatters, but it has to stop. Exams are nearly over. You need to sit down now with him and discuss what you're doing in 2-3 weeks time, which I suggest is getting a divorce and him moving out, and giving the house over to you and the kids. This is going to be very painful but I think it has to be less painful than what you are going through now, which is pushing your self esteem further and further down. It will be painful, but also empowering. You sound like you have done so well by your kids, your parents, and I'm sure you have poured as much into your marriage as you had. It's him who's lacking, and it's soul destroying.

Bollocks in a vice.

Seriously just chuck him out, my thought was bet you have subsidised him as well

I agree with all of the above except....
I would advise waiting until exams are over. My lovely parents announced their divorce a week before my A-levels. I failed every one of them and retook the year.

Pack his bags.

Drive to her house and tell her she is welcome to him.

AFTER you have sorted your finances out.

You have been his comfort for all of these years and raised his children. He wants to fly the nest.

Fine, however make sure it is on your terms.

I agree that you should try to wait for exam period to be over. That way, you have bought yourself a couple of weeks to get your paperwork in order. As the MN saying goes "get all your ducks in a row".

The calmly and forcefully tell him to leave.

Your husband doesnt love you.
It sounds like no amount of talking is going to change that as it has been going on a long time. You deserve to be loved and you can be loved just not by him. Tell him you want him to leave and move on with your life. The longer you put up with this the longer you will regret wasting your time. I really feel for you it must be so awful but trying to blame yourself or think about what you can do to have things how they used to be is a waste of your energy. Tell him he has to leave. x

What am I supposed to do?

put all of his stuff into black bags and set them on the lawn and change the locks.

Then you find someone who actually appreciates you and doesn't treat you like shit.

I would bet my house that this man has been financially subsidised by you throughout your marriage.

that was my first thought too.

Drive your DC to their last exam and then head home to tell him to pack his bags, he will be fine as he is 'exceptionally talented'

Yes, I agree to wait till the exams are over.

But start making your plans now and tell her that you do not have an open marriage, but you will soon no longer have a marriage and she can have him every day of the week that ends in a Y.

No I wouldn't actually let her know your divorce plans, but you should start something called the 180.

It's meant for you to prepare for a life without a cheating spouse

Here is a link to it.

beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

You do realise that the chances are, with all these affairs, that eventually he'll find someone that he actually wants to leave you for?

He has no respect for you.

You're being reactive rather than proactive about your marriage and your husband's playing you for a fool.

My advice is to pull the rug out from under his feet and take charge. Drive your life in the direction you want rather than letting it all happen around you while you remain unhappy.

Well, everyone else has pretty much collectively nailed it. You speak as if this is somehow your fault - YOU suffered depression. YOU didn't meet his needs. Has he met yours? No.

Of course you should be surprised he began an affair, emotional or otherwise. He had married you. Committed to you, and you had raised three of his children. He's got no business trying to use semantics to attempt to sanitise what he's up to. He's not a 'free spirit', he's a cheat.

To top it all off, he then lays on the guilt trip about your youngest child's exams and 'needing to be a strong family unit'. Unfortunately, he seems to have convieniently forgotten that to be a 'strong family unit', you need to maintain a relationship with your wife and mother of your THREE children. I sense what you really meant, above, is that you had made attempts to communicate better with him, and he had not responded to your efforts.

He has indeed done his work well on you. You feel in thrall of his 'talent', but, regardless of what he is 'creating' elsewhere, he is creating a horrible situation for you, and his children. He is displaying selfishness and narcissism par excellence.

Let her have him. She'll soon regret it.

OP, please, from someone who's been there and got a very similar T-shirt to the one you're wearing please get out and make a new life for yourself.

I did after almost 36 years of marriage and 5 children including a severely disabled son who requires round the clock care and 3 years later Im doing well and Im happy. But most of all I'm living in peace and for e.g. Ive stopped going round my house coughing before I'd enter a room to warn my husband to get off the phone if .................

Im not divorced because at my age Im not willing to put the time and effort into getting a divorce and my husband wont divorce me because I did nothing wrong so the situation suits us both, and I am very well taken care of financially. But one day a few years ago I realised thing just had to change. It was terrifying but I knew I deserved more, and more I certainly have as everything in my life has changed. Its also changed for my children, and we're happy even though none of us will ever shout it from the rooftops because our life as a family deserves some respect even though it ended very sadly. I think what we are is 'quietly happy'

You also deserve more.

Oh, and forget the tripe about the 'strong family unit' because right now you and the children are his respectability. He needs you all as the poster family in order to try and blind people to the person he really is.

Been there and got that T-Shirt as well.

How on earth does he think he's staying to create a strong unit at home - he's having an affair in plain sight with your neighbour ?!

Yes, he's very creative indeed. He's created a life where you adore him, to the extent that you laugh about the funny situations that his flirting has led to ?! How can that even happen in a normal healthy relationship.

This is an awful situation for you, he sounds beyond creepy. Exams over, bags on the lawn.

I appreciate the issue with exams etc, but honestly I always advise my clients to act as soon as possible, It take several weeks to get to teh stage where proceedings are launched. Act now.

Just two questions, are you subsidising him? when is your DS taking the exams?

And no, teaching your kids that having an affair with the neighbour is ok, is NOT crating a string family unit. What kind of example are you two providing to your kids? That men can have affairs as they please and women are expected to put up with them?

I'm horrified you still adore this man even though he treats you like dirt. You tell him how much this hurts you, yet he just carries on. He tells you that nothing can change now because of the children, then he carries on openly seeing another woman not caring how much this hurts you.
If you have no marriage then why do you adore him? what hold does he have over you? Is it simply time? together so long? you've been used to only him and no one else for years, maybe you are scared of the future, of starting again? Let me tell you it is not easy. being single in your forties is hard. Being a single mum of three kids is tough. But have some bloody self respect woman. This man does not deserve your adoration. You have been a good wife, and he should have stuck by you during hard times, that's what a couple are supposed to do, be there through the good and bad times. Ask yourself, how often have you been there for him, and how often has he been there for you?.......is this an equal partnership? NO. One thing you cannot deny is every single woman on here urges you to leave him. You love him, it will be the hardest thing you ever do, but it's the only thing for any self respecting woman to do. wait a few more weeks for exams to finish. The summer hols will be good timing. Surround yourself with friends and fun. try and hate him. Hate is a much easier emotion to deal with than heart break. Poor you hun, good luck. As my fridge magnet says "better to have loved and lost, than to live with the psyco for the rest of your life". xx

Your kids WILL know he is having an affair. I was much younger than your kids and I knew - it was an open secret. Dont think they are being protected from this, just because you still share a home.

Oh, and my blood boils on your behalf when I read: "He can't deal with my emotional outbursts."

💐.

You can't have what you want, that's not an option. That's really really hard to accept.

He checked out of your marriage a very, very long time ago, but he took the easy route out 'stay in the family home, get emotional & 'homey' needs met, shag who you like. Wifey will tolerate it because I'm so talented and she adores me'.

He's not going to wake up and smell the coffee, it'll be a while before he realises what he has lost & by then you will not want him back.

As soon as exams are over, tell him to move out. If he says he's not going ask him what he thinks his parents/boss/mates will think when you feel you need to call them for support gettng him out of the house because he's having another affair.

I know you were hoping we'd have some miracle cure to make him be what you want him to be and I'm sorry that we don't. 💐

OP, how old are you? Im not far off 60 and had been with my husband since I was 16. My life has just begun in so many ways.

My sixth grandchild was born just last week and granddad stayed away - and that suited us fine because we've all realised that we were so much in awe of this talented/wonderful/charismatic/ man that we couldn't enjoy an occasion unless he did!