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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to get DD5 to like her dad?

70 replies

Tatiana11235 · 05/06/2016 15:40

I told H that DD wants to go to the park, he said he'll come along. DD5 then says "But I don't want dad to come, only want mum". It went down like a lead balloon....
She's never been his fan, will tolerate him if no other option but no more than that.
He always blamed me for this. Apparently DD and I were and are so close it's impossible to get in between us. FYI I breastfed and did it for a long time. I always thought that's the reason but he says I'm full of shit and it's because I am possessive over her
Has anyone else been in similar situation and managed to get their child to like the other adult? Advice desperately needed, thank you!

OP posts:

MummaGiles · 05/06/2016 15:43

I would start insisting that they do thins together, without you, so they can build a bond.

MummaGiles · 05/06/2016 15:44

Things* (obviously)

ApocalypseSlough · 05/06/2016 15:45

How old is she?

BertieBotts · 05/06/2016 15:45

Lot of backstory here I suspect.

How are the other kids with him? How old is she?

ImperialBlether · 05/06/2016 15:45

If what he's saying is true, then it must be very hurtful for him. Do you think there's a grain of truth in it?

longdiling · 05/06/2016 15:47

You can't get your dd to like her Dad. She can't take responsibility for it either as she's only little. He needs to take responsibility for his relationship with her. What does he try and do to nurture a close relationship with her?

WonkyCastle · 05/06/2016 15:52

Mine (3 dc, ages 11, 9 and 3) all far prefer me to H.

Eldest will panic at the thought of me not being there (she has severe ASD), middle one will be anxious but cope (has AS) and youngest is the most likely to not mind either way but when the chips are down wants me.

In our case it is because H rarely does anything with them in a day to day basis, and even when he does it is stressful for them (eg he will say to dc1 he will play a game, but then diverts and checks work emails for half an hour, or goes to the loo first and takes 40 minutes, etc meaning he doesn't actually do what he says he will)

Dc get stressed (all need a solid routine due to SN) and he gets cross with them for not being patient.

So they prefer me to do stuff with them, as experience has shown them that they have a better time that way (I am far from perfect but if I say I will do something I do it, and I respect their need for plans and routine).

Tbh, I sympathise with my lot, so no real tips on how to solve it, other than get your H to step up if he is failing your dd as mine is with our dc.

HandyWoman · 05/06/2016 15:59

I used to have this with exH.

Reason being: he was a lazy, resentful, half-arsed Dad.

Out of the mouths of babes.....

HappyNevertheless · 05/06/2016 16:00

Very normal if she spends most of her time with you rather than him.
I've had my dcs saying much worse than that TBH (but then things weren't rozy at home either).

The only way to deal with it is to stay neutral, to NOT give it more meaning than there is (ie I'm more used to mum and her ways than dad).

And then to organise situations where your dd will spend time with her dad on a regular basis. The ore time she will spend with him, the ore confortable she will be, unless of course, he is a twat on his relation to her.
Love is a VERB not a NOUN. If your DH wants to create a relationship with his dd, he needs to work at it and out some effort in. The same way yoou have done but if you are the main carer it will be 'automatic' by default whereas he has to take the decision to do so iyswim.
A good way is for him to be the one to do xx

HappyNevertheless · 05/06/2016 16:04

Actually reading your OP again, I wonder why she said 'I ONLY want mum, not dad', as in she isn't happy if he is present at all, even if you are there.

Why is the relationship so strained in between them?
Is there any relationship issue between you and your DH?

Original poster

Tatiana11235 · 05/06/2016 16:17

DD is 5.
H works long hours and can go for days without actually seeing her even though we live together.
It has just happened that I have always been her main carer. I worked from home when maternity leave came to an end, then I went to uni so still spent quite a lot of time together. She is just so used to me and maybe not so much to him. I always back him up though when he disciplines her.
When it's us three she'll come to me by default.
He's quitw shouty with me, he'll bang things when irritated and when he goes off on one she'll often tell me not to be upset. I feel terrible when this happens that she feels she has to comfort me

OP posts:

Littleballerina · 05/06/2016 16:22

I'd say it's more about the relationship between you and your dp than you/ dp's relationship with his daughter. Ask him how he feels you can deal with this.

bottletops · 05/06/2016 16:22

Let your husband take her out on his own. This will give him the chance to do something nice and sometimes it takes being away from the main carer for children to realise they can have fun without you (& also give you a break) let him plan a nice day out and leave them both alone and see how they get on. Also how many days has he taken her out on his own in the past few months? Perhaps there is something to you being partly responsible for her only wanting you?

Original poster

Tatiana11235 · 05/06/2016 16:28

They do spend time together, he picks her up from school twice a week while I'm at work. She just goes to her bedroom and only comes out to ask for food, doesn't particularly want to socialise with him.

OP posts:

alltouchedout · 05/06/2016 16:31

Does he really think his crap relationship with dd is your fault?

BertieBotts · 05/06/2016 16:31

Ah right, you meant DD aged 5 as opposed to your fifth daughter. So she's an only child.

I'm getting the sense that he might actually be on the side of verbally abusive towards you? Non abusive partners don't normally use phrases like "full of shit" or accuse their wives of being possessive over a child, and bashing things about is abusive behaviour too. And you keep referring to him as H, not DH.

I think it's relevant. And I think you're worried this is a sign that his abuse is affecting her and I think you're unfortunately right.

Original poster

Tatiana11235 · 05/06/2016 16:32

I honestly have nothing against them spending time together. A couple of years ago he took her away camping for two nights and she had a blast
Sometimes it feels like he ejoys being offended so doesn't make too much effort. Says there's no point because she doesn't like him anyway.
He doesn't regularly take her out because he's too tired.

OP posts:

RiceCrispieTreats · 05/06/2016 16:33

I didn't like my Dad at that age either.

And I still don't like him now, for the same reasons. He's not a person I have respect for, due to his own behaviour.

Credit your DD with knowing her own mind. She does. The onus is on your DH to build a better relationship with her, if he wants to. (The fact that he blames you really doesn't reflect well on him, and I suspect that your DD has him well sussed.)

pinkyredrose · 05/06/2016 16:33

You back him up when he disciplines her?! How does he do that, by shouting? Does he ever say anything nice to her or give any indication that he enjoys her company?

Canyouforgiveher · 05/06/2016 16:37

So it isn't just that she prefers you to him (quite common at this age) but that she avoids spending time with him at all. Children are programmed to like and love their parents. I would really query why she seems not to like him. Is he shouty? Does he ignore her? Does he have any clue how to play with a child or be fun/enjoy stuff? Is he generally mean in the way he speaks (that full of shit comment was way off by the way). If he wants his daughter to spend time with him, he needs to work on it - he can't expect you to make it happen.

I spend way more time with my kids than my dh does and I suspect when it is just me with them, life is nicer for them than when it is just him - as in routine stays the same, dinner is nice etc. but he is a lovely man who is a good father and kind to his children and fun to be with so they love spending time with him, miss him when he isn't around.

Somerville · 05/06/2016 16:39

The problem isn't her.

Nor is it that you breastfed for a long time - attachment-type parenting helps children to be more secure and loving with everyone in their lives.

The problem is that he is a crap dad, from what you've said.

Only he can solve that. And he'll have to really want to.

HeddaGarbled · 05/06/2016 16:44

He doesn't sound very likeable. I'm not surprised she doesn't like him. Do you?

HappyNevertheless · 05/06/2016 16:56

Yep I agree, if he has the opportunity to spend time with her twice a week, to do things, take her to the park etc... But never makes the effort to actually go and find her, then the responsibility is all his.

Now I wouldn't tell him that. But I would tell him that the best way to have a relationship with her is to do things with her.
I would propose the camping trip again and one activity that he has to involved in once a week.

Be careful though, you can propose and engineer situations up to a point. But then it's up to him to take responsibility and decide to do something with her. If he doesn't, it will not be YOUR responsibility that their relationship isn't good.
And it will never your dd resposnibility to build up a relationship with her dad. If she doesn't want to 'socialise' with him after school, it's up to him to do so. Staying with her and having a chat when she is eating in the evening/has a snack is a good start for example.

ImperialBlether · 05/06/2016 16:57

He sounds horrible! I feel for her that she's going to her room alone instead of staying with him and having a chat about her day.

Original poster

Tatiana11235 · 05/06/2016 17:01

He's generally grumpy and flies off the handle easily with me, not at all with her.
In my opinion the problem is he's not a regular occurance in her life due to his work and the fact that most of time he's too tired to do stuff. Sometimes he'll put on the whole Disney dad performance and take her to a zoo or suchlike and she does enjoy it even if I'm not there.
So if I am out of picture she'll engage with him on occasion but if I'm present she's not bothered about him.

OP posts:

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