How to get DD5 to like her dad?

[Tatiana11235]

I told H that DD wants to go to the park, he said he'll come along. DD5 then says "But I don't want dad to come, only want mum". It went down like a lead balloon....
She's never been his fan, will tolerate him if no other option but no more than that.
He always blamed me for this. Apparently DD and I were and are so close it's impossible to get in between us. FYI I breastfed and did it for a long time. I always thought that's the reason but he says I'm full of shit and it's because I am possessive over her
Has anyone else been in similar situation and managed to get their child to like the other adult? Advice desperately needed, thank you!

"He's quite shouty with me, he'll bang things when irritated and when he goes off on one she'll often tell me not to be upset. I feel terrible when this happens that she feels she has to comfort me"

At only five years old it sounds like she has the measure of him. He's an arse and she doesn't want to spend time with him. I don't blame her.

Kids aren't fooled by grown-ups who put on a performance once in a while, but can't be arsed the rest of the time.

He's not consistent or considerate, and your DD can tell. Of course she doesn't want to spend time with him!

This situation can only improve if he takes a good look at his own behaviour, takes responsibility, and takes many difficult steps to change. The odds of this happening are very slim, however: shouty arses who like to cast blame on other people are terminally incapable of taking responsibility for their own behaviour.

Too tired isn't a reason good enough though.

I get the 'too tired' bit. I have ME. I still do things with the dcs though. Because that's my role as a parent.

He doesn't sound like a nice partner though. Are you happy with him?

My ds (aged 5) asked me why dad left. (Ex was/is abusive)

He then asked if it was because daddy shouted too much at mummy.

At 5, they know.

I was reall hoping to avoid going into dynamics between him and me but I guess her issues may stem from the way things are between us. Can't fool mumsnetters, can I?
No I am not in love with him. I can't say I love him either. He drinks a lot, is unreliable and pushes my buttons because he can. He struggles to control his temper with me and says horrible things to me in those moments.
I have lost the will to be intimate with him a long time ago and he resents me for that.
She's picking up on these things, isn't she?

Yes, she is. He sounds bloody horrible. Do yourself and your daughter a favour: get away from him.

He sounds vile - no wonder she doesn't like him.

And yes, kids are smart. She will be picking up your negative vibes. Not I'm blaming you for having negative vibes about him. Why are you still with him if things are so bad?

Yes of course she is picking up on all the tension. If he has an unpredictable temper, I suspect it's not just that your dd prefers your company, she might be scared of her dad.

You can't force a child to like someone, her dad has to earn it.
Blaming you is childish on his part and also quite jealous and controlling.

I don't want to upset you but children grow up learning about adult relationships from the example set by their parents. At the moment you are teaching her that a husband can be verbally abusive to his wife, have aggressive outbursts and share no affection. That will be her 'normal'.

Correction: she is not "picking up" on anything. She has witnessed his abuse of you and has even sought to comfort and reassure you because of it. That is not something any five year old should need to do. It's shocking, really.

Then what you have is what I got from dc1 when my relationhsip was on the rocks.
We never shouted btw. But the dcs, and esp dc1, knew. He would say, in front of DH, I love daddy but I don't like him for example.

ILostIt, you're absolutely right. I have grown up witnessing this kind of relationship betwen my parents and learnt to live walking on eggshells from early age. Hence the ability to put up with loads of shit. I don't want her to have to do the same.

He sounds vile. Of course she doesn't like him . You, as her mum, are the centre of her world. To a child, the parent is everything - survival basically. To a baby, being abandoned is death which is why the separation anxiety stage is so bad. So you are everything to her and she sees you being hurt by this man. That's a direct threat to her very survival, in basic evolutionary terms. What hurts the mother hurts the child.
He sounds awful. Perhaps time to move on without him? Emotional abuse is very damaging to children

Why would she like someone who she witnesses upsetting her mum, her primary carer?

My Dad worked ridiculously long hours , sometimes for 7 days a week. My sister and I were in bed when he got home and he left for work before we were up.

However , we loved it when he had a weekend off, he would always ensure we did things all together, he was fabulous fun and devoted his time off to us. We knew 100% that he adored us.

Your poor daughter knows her Dad shouts and verbally abuses you . I'd think very hard about staying with him before irreparable damage is done .

I don't want her to have to do the same

You know what you have to do then

Yes of course you're right. I can't make her like him and it seems they have a better quality time together when I am not in the picture anyway...

He might be a better dad as a NRP. After 3 years and new gf my ExH now is.

Speaking from experience - you simply cannot make this loser step up.

I would create instant harmony in your home by slinging this abusive manchild out. Honestly, the relief will be immense for you and dd.

I think you could talk to her and tell her how that comment was hurtful to her dad. You can't fix everything but she shouldn't have said that.

If your DH bangs around the house and is impatient then it's no suprise she would rather spend time with you.

At 5 she would find it hurtful if a person at school said that to her, so there's no harm in teaching her manners and diplomacy.

Tatiana It's so sad that you grew up in an tense environment with an abusive dad and history has almost repeated itself with your dd. I hope you are ok . It's very difficult to get perspective in a situation like yours, especially if you were brought up to believe it was the norm.
Obviously, don't blame yourself. You sound like a lovely mum.

Sandy, I had very stern words with her. I asked how would she like it if me and him went somewhere and told her she can't come. Plus I told her she must never say that again.

ILostIt, thank you for your kind words. I am fine, I have grown a very thick skin

Your daughter will grow a thick soon too if she's raised witnessing this.

Why the very long hours? Is that his choice or does he feel he needs to do it to keep you all afloat? He sounds hugely stressed and alienated from family life. Would he be amenable to a discussion about rejigging the work-life balance between you both?

That said, long hours are no excuse for aggressive outbursts and wounding you with words. He really doesn't sound nice at all, tbh. But I am wondering whether the root of all this lies in the work situation and whether it might be worth ascertaining whether changing that might help him to change. If that proves fruitless, time to make hard decisions about your marriage, I think.

YES! My 5 yr old DD is identical. She won't even reply to his questions a lot of the time.

Glittermud, what you said! Exactly! How do you deal with it?

Hetero, his choice entirely. It's all he wants to do. And anyway I spend all my wages on family and bills whilst he gives me some and spends most of his income on other things. Any other job will not pay for these other things and the bills. Spending on other things is non-negotiable.