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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I cheating on DH?

77 replies

Batcrazymum3 · 04/06/2016 22:07

really don't feel like I am but it would be good to get some opinions about this.

I have just returned to work after 1 year of mat leave after having 3rd (and final) DC. It's been so good to be back at work and to catch up with everyone and the adult conversation. One of my colleagues who I have always had a very good working relationship with had been dropping me emails daily just checking in making sure I was getting back on track, the emails went from being casual work chat to a bit more personal. As I am only part time now, one of the days I came in to an email from this guy saying that he missed me when I was gone and that it made his day go slower when he didn't have me to talk to, this led to us exchanging numbers.

The chat is flirty, it's completely harmless but I keep deleting the thread of texts. Only once did the messages go into... let's say dark territory and it was quickly laughed off and it's never even come close again.

I love DH so much, We have an amazing life, our sex life is fantastic and he is very much my best friend. It's only now that I'm writing this I'm not actually sure what I'm asking for. I must feel guilty on some sort of level if I need someone to tell what I am doing isn't wrong!

OP posts:
Doinmummy · 04/06/2016 22:10

It sounds like this has the potential to get messy. I'd stop replying to this guy if you value your relationship

BarbaraRoberts · 04/06/2016 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NowSissyThatWalk · 04/06/2016 22:11

The chat is flirty...I keep deleting the thread of texts.

I think you know the answer here, or you wouldn't be deleting the texts. Cheating is a sliding scale from being dishonest and covering your tracks right the way up to full blown affair.

Be very careful.

Tumtitum · 04/06/2016 22:12

As above. If you wouldn't want to see your DH acting in the same way then it's wrong. If you nip it in the bud you have nothing to feel guilty about. If you don't it may lead the guy on and get messy...

wobblywonderwoman · 04/06/2016 22:13

Op you have three children a job and great sex life and commited dh. What are you doing ?????

CrazyDuchess · 04/06/2016 22:14

You know deep down your are crossing some lines - how would you feel if you found out you OH was doing this read every other post in relationships

Stop it now.

Chinks123 · 04/06/2016 22:15

If you're deleting threads and would feel ashamed to show him texts then it's wrong, and you know it's wrong or you wouldn't be hiding the conversations.
I assume maybe after being at home so long, getting back to 'adult chat' and talking to a man about things other than babies/bills etc is exciting

You say your dh is fantastic, so rein in the flirtiness and dark territory messages if you don't want to hurt him.

Gazelda · 04/06/2016 22:15

I wouldn't say you're cheating at this stage. However you're risking things getting complicated.
And by deleting your texts, you obviously don't want your DH to see them. Why is that?

EveryCloudhasl · 04/06/2016 22:16

Yes it's cheating. Imagine if this was the other way round and you found out dh was deleting flirty texts from a girl colleague. If you care for your marriage I'd delete his number and avoid this bloke like the plague.

Original poster
Batcrazymum3 · 04/06/2016 22:18

I have thought about DH having the same relationship with another female, My rational to myself for that is that now in my situation I can see that these things can be harmless so I could accept this from him. The thought of stopping this friendship just because it may be taken in the wrong context bothers me.

OP posts:
OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 04/06/2016 22:18

Stop it now. It won't end well Flowers

VimFuego101 · 04/06/2016 22:20

It sounds like it's veering in a dangerous direction - you say yourself it's already gone that way. You need to stop it.

Aussiebean · 04/06/2016 22:22

If ever I am unsure if a man is flirting I ask my dh. I also tell him about any messages I have with another man, just the general jist of the conversation.

If you don't feel you can do this then you are on thin ice.

Lilmisskittykat · 04/06/2016 22:23

The fact you are deleting the messages says a lot really..

As others say dangerous ground. And if things are as perfect as you say .. Don't mess it up X

Chinks123 · 04/06/2016 22:24

It's not being taken in the wrong context though you said you were texting him inappropriately. So either you can be friends with him and not do that, or you can't be friends with him at all as its not fair on your dh. If my dp was deleting flirty threads I wouldn't be thinking it was harmless really.

Iknownuffink · 04/06/2016 22:39

You are flirting with danger and you know that.

Originalfoogirl · 04/06/2016 22:39

If you are deleting texts, it isn't harmless.

Forget how you would feel if your husband was doing it, that's irrelevant, rather think about what your husband would feel if he read those texts. If he would be upset, you shouldn't be doing it.

My rule when talking to other men is, would my husband be upset if he heard this? Or if emailing, would I type this if my husband was reading it? If he would be upset, or I wouldn't type it, then I shouldn't be doing it.

NoCapes · 04/06/2016 22:41

You don't have to stop the friendship
Just stop flirting
And stop texting so much

Seriously stop it
It's not worth it

ImperialBlether · 04/06/2016 22:45

I would say the opposite - stop the friendship and stop texting altogether. I agree though that it's not worth it.

LizaLemon · 04/06/2016 22:48

Absolute bullshit - you can't really imagine it until it happens to you.

It's easy to imagine being stoic or understanding until you're the one being hurt and betrayed and then the feelings start.

Stop texting unless you'd be 100% fine with your DH knowing. And if you would be then tell him about it.

voddiekeepsmesane · 04/06/2016 22:50

Was always told if you are doing something with someone that you feel you need to hide from your DH then yes it is wrong. Stop or not but I see it as on the line and just the smallest of nudges and it will all collapse around you.

MonicaFree · 04/06/2016 22:54

I have had friendships like this with gay men. It's like because you're taken you can kind of have a romance without sex.

However, to me the warning is that you think you might be cheating. If that's on the agenda, then although you aren't cheating, it's a possibility. If it's possible, you have to take steps now to make it impossible.

EttaJ · 04/06/2016 22:54

You wouldn't tell your DH because you KNOW it's wrong and like others have said, if he was doing it to you would you be ok with it?!

Rubberduck2 · 04/06/2016 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoJo · 04/06/2016 22:57

The thought of stopping this friendship just because it may be taken in the wrong context bothers me.

What context is that? Flirty messages with another man, that you spend a significant amount of time with, away from your husband, and that have already strayed into territory that made you uncomfortable? You are questioning your loyalty to your husband on the basis of something that you only think could be 'taken out of context'?

My rational to myself for that is that now in my situation I can see that these things can be harmless so I could accept this from him.

If you are only thinking that you could forgive/understand your husband for doing something similar on the basis that you are justifying these exchanges to yourself as innocent, I think that's spurious. Had you not been involved in this 'relationship' and found this kind of message on his phone, it sounds as though you would have had a problem with them.

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