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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I cheating on DH?

77 replies

Batcrazymum3 · 04/06/2016 22:07

really don't feel like I am but it would be good to get some opinions about this.

I have just returned to work after 1 year of mat leave after having 3rd (and final) DC. It's been so good to be back at work and to catch up with everyone and the adult conversation. One of my colleagues who I have always had a very good working relationship with had been dropping me emails daily just checking in making sure I was getting back on track, the emails went from being casual work chat to a bit more personal. As I am only part time now, one of the days I came in to an email from this guy saying that he missed me when I was gone and that it made his day go slower when he didn't have me to talk to, this led to us exchanging numbers.

The chat is flirty, it's completely harmless but I keep deleting the thread of texts. Only once did the messages go into... let's say dark territory and it was quickly laughed off and it's never even come close again.

I love DH so much, We have an amazing life, our sex life is fantastic and he is very much my best friend. It's only now that I'm writing this I'm not actually sure what I'm asking for. I must feel guilty on some sort of level if I need someone to tell what I am doing isn't wrong!

OP posts:
AwkwardAvocado · 04/06/2016 23:00

I understand that this friendship is fulfilling for you in some way but whatever you are getting out of it is only a short-term thing. How would your DH react if he saw the full thread? Maybe not so good, hence you deleting the messages? I realise that you are saying that they might be taken out of context, but that is probably what makes it wrong. Who is to say your colleague isn't taking them out of context? I am assuming they could be taken in both an innocent and flirty context, hence the dilemma (and the excitement).

SleepingTiger · 04/06/2016 23:05

You have come on here to seek either:

  1. Overwhelming consensus that you are, in which case you are.
  1. Overwhelming consensus that you are, but will react by minimising and go into denial with the aim of just going ahead and progressing this thing anyway in your own 'real time'.

So, yes you are.

Unicow · 04/06/2016 23:23

If you don't feel comfortable with the possibility that your DH may read the messages don't send them. Stop this now.

Original poster
Batcrazymum3 · 04/06/2016 23:31

Thank you all for your opinions. They have been helpful!

OP posts:
AwkwardAvocado · 04/06/2016 23:36

Good luck!

Dozer · 04/06/2016 23:41

YABU for referring to women as "a female"

BreakfastLunchPasta · 05/06/2016 00:28

My rational to myself for that is that now in my situation I can see that these things can be harmless so I could accept this from him.

Could you accept him deliberately concealing things from you? As you are with the deleting? Don't you think that implies some form of deceit?

sykadelic · 05/06/2016 01:04

Yes you are. Simply answer.

You are talking to someone who "misses you" when you're not around, who you flirt with and I would guess takes time from your family.

I would be willing to be that you would never have a conversation like this in FRONT of your DH. I also have no doubt that if he saw this he would be extremely hurt and would not believe that you haven't (or weren't looking to) cheat on him.

You need to take a step back from this friendship and gain some clarity about what you've really been doing this whole time.

joellevandyne · 05/06/2016 01:18

I'm a bit confused about which part of all this you think is not an emotional affair.

MrHannahSnell · 05/06/2016 02:08

If you need to ask the question, the answer's "yes".

lavenderhoney · 05/06/2016 02:21

Dark territory? What? It's not " special" is it?

You're feeling powerful about having it all and want more. Now imagine it all gone due to some text and a shag.

Everything is about sex except sex. Sex is about power. You'll be handing the power of you over - just ignore him and block him. Otherwise it's not really all that, at home, is it?

Valentine2 · 05/06/2016 02:47

Honestly, I do feel mumsnet is biased to favor women. If I find DH has been deleting threads of chats I would be livid. And if I post it here I will get everything including same advice to deal with the emotional affair and of course LTB. But OP is a woman. Meh

Valentine2 · 05/06/2016 02:47

Sane . Not same Blush

EttaJ · 05/06/2016 02:57

Lavenderhoney - spot on.

NiceSegway · 05/06/2016 04:38

If you're so sure it's completely harmless and are just worried about it being taken in the wrong context the easiest thing would just be to tell you DH all about it so there no chance of any "misunderstanding" from him.

You didn't choose to that though did you. You chose to delete the messages and try to justify your actions on an anonymous forum. That says it all.

PrancingQueen · 05/06/2016 05:29

You're just on some sad ego trip here aren't you OP?
If you value your marriage you need to stop this.

branofthemist · 05/06/2016 05:34

So now you have been flirting with men, you would be OK if your dh went and did the same?

How would you have felt about it before you did it?

Say if dh had done it last year?

It's all well and good saying 'well now I have done it, I'll turn a blind eye if dh ever does it' but are you going to tell him exactly what's going on and tell him that you have decided this is ok for you both to do? What if he doesn't agree? What if he decides to go do what you are doing and you don't like it?

At the end of the day you know you are doing something that would upset him, because you are hiding it.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 05/06/2016 05:58

If your relationship agreement is that flirting with others is acceptable, and you both do so openly and talk about it - fine.

Otherwise, you're on thin ice. I suspect the colleague fancies you more than you fancy him. The charge of attraction (sexual or emotional) is very more-ish. Slippery slope!

BeauGlacons · 05/06/2016 06:33

You're back at work after mat leave with dc3.

You really need to have a rain check and a little think about your priorities.

flumpybear · 05/06/2016 06:47

Nothing wrong with a bit of harmless 'flanter' but don't cross or get near any lines!!

LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 05/06/2016 06:50

Yes it's infidelity of course it is. You're preoccupied by another man, sharing emotional intimacy and sexual chat. That's cheating. End it now and stop being such a dick to your husband.

Believeitornot · 05/06/2016 06:51

If you're so happy with dh why are you flirting with someone else..?

Anniegetyourgun · 05/06/2016 07:10

If you're so happy with dh why are you flirting with someone else..?

Because DH isn't there, in the moment. And because she already knows DH is interested. The intriguing bit is finding out about the other fellow. It's a world away from babies and household chores and all the other dull things one shares with a life partner. That is precisely why it is tempting and also why it is not a good idea at all, at all.

The saying he misses you and the day goes slower when you aren't there is surely not a thing anyone would say to a friend who is just a friend, even your best one - is it? (Cue dozens of people saying they would, but it's not my experience.) It's a potential lover thing to say.

Goingtobeawesome · 05/06/2016 07:14

Yes, your cheating.

Affairs dint start with making eye contact then fucking, they start somewhere appearing to be more innocent.

confusedaboutlife · 05/06/2016 07:16

Didn't ready anything but the title.

If you have to ask. Yeah, you probably are.

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