Am I cheating on DH?

[Batcrazymum3]

really don't feel like I am but it would be good to get some opinions about this.

I have just returned to work after 1 year of mat leave after having 3rd (and final) DC. It's been so good to be back at work and to catch up with everyone and the adult conversation. One of my colleagues who I have always had a very good working relationship with had been dropping me emails daily just checking in making sure I was getting back on track, the emails went from being casual work chat to a bit more personal. As I am only part time now, one of the days I came in to an email from this guy saying that he missed me when I was gone and that it made his day go slower when he didn't have me to talk to, this led to us exchanging numbers.

The chat is flirty, it's completely harmless but I keep deleting the thread of texts. Only once did the messages go into... let's say dark territory and it was quickly laughed off and it's never even come close again.

I love DH so much, We have an amazing life, our sex life is fantastic and he is very much my best friend. It's only now that I'm writing this I'm not actually sure what I'm asking for. I must feel guilty on some sort of level if I need someone to tell what I am doing isn't wrong!

Why are some women so susceptible to this sort of boundary pushing chancer?

You're probably one of half a dozen women he has this sort of thing going with. Think about that.

flipflapsflop - I would say most people enjoy attention and get a buzz from being on the receiving end of someone's interest (where it's reciprocated).

Ffs, you're, not your

Nothing wrong with a bit of harmless 'flanter' but don't cross or get near any lines!!

I would say a line has already been crossed if she is deleting text messages.

She is deleting them because she knows her husband would be upset. She is hiding things from her husband. It sounds like an Emotional Affair already. But even if it's not she has already crossed a line.

The fact that she would now accept this from her husband because she has done it, suggests quite selfish behaviour. 'Now I have done it it's acceptable in my marriage, but I won't consult the other person in the marriage'.

What happens if she sleeps with this man? will she change the goal posts again 'oh well I would let it go if dh sleeps with another women, now I have done it, it's ok.....but I won't tell him I am in a marriage where it's ok to sleep with other people...I just will and keep it to myself'

Mysteries. You're right. And don't boundary pushing chancers know it.

You know it's wrong.

So stop.

Imagine telling your three kids mummy and daddy are splitting up, focus on that image. Then stop being a twat.

Also I wonder if the op realises that if her husband finds out she is deleting messages (you see on threads here women noticing things like this) that he won't believe for a minute a it's harmless flirting. Even if flirting wouldn't bother him.

Because if I found out dh was chatting to another woman and deleting the messages, I would be of the mind that it was an affair and that's why he was deleting them. I wouldn't believe a word he said about 'harmless flirting'.

Come off it Valentine. Men would get the same response.

But don't worry, it's probably a reverse anyway testing us awful little women and our approach to things. Clear-cut posts with minimal info like this one are appearing all over MN in a "what's your exam answer for this then you lot" way.

Honestly, I do feel mumsnet is biased to favor women. If I find DH has been deleting threads of chats I would be livid. And if I post it here I will get everything including same advice to deal with the emotional affair and of course LTB. But OP is a woman. Meh

That doesn't even make sense. It's not the OPs husband that's posting. If he posted I am sure he would get told not to believe it was harmless flirting and some people would say LTB. Some people would advise taking time to decide what to do.

Why would anyone advise the OPs husband to LTB if he isn't the one posting?

Be careful.
I was were you are now, 14 months ago.
Returned to work pt after mat leave with dc2.
Lost the baby weight and more.
Talking to grown ups again and being need for things other than 'mummy duties'.
14 months down the line I finally ended things 3 weeks ago.
Tried so many times before.
His wife found out, it didn't stop us.
My husband found out, it didn't stop us.
People at work know, it did t stop us.
We became addicted to each other.
It's toxic.
I never felt guilty. I never thought it was wrong. It was a separate part of my life.
I remember telling him at the beginning that my husband is a good man (which he is) that I wouldn't fall in love with him (which I did) and that we could end things anytime we wanted (which we couldn't).
Soon, out of work messages will become out of work phone calls. You'll take days off to spend time together. You'll spend far too much time thinking about 'him' in an imaginary world that's just you, him and the kids.
I forgave my om far too much.
I excused behaviour which I wouldn't have accepted from anyone else.
You find yourself in a situation where you have no one else to talk to but the om and it ties you even closer together.
Only now, I can see how toxic it was.
Only now, I can see that it was just a distraction from 'normal'.
Only now, I can see how much my life could have changed for a man that I don't trust, can't rely on or that i wanted to grow old with.
It's hard.
Some days the highs seem worth the lows, but there not.
Seriously, join the gym instead.
Text your dh instead of texting the om. Focus on your kids. Try not to picture the on being there with you.
Use the fantasies with your husband instead.
Good luck, I truly mean that because I think you need it xxx

Let's ne honest here, the OP is already having an emotional affair and the BS about her now understanding how innocent it can all be so she wouldn't mind if her husband did it is the inevitable beginning of history being rewritten to make her able to feel good about herself as she knows what she is doing is shitty!!

If I found out that my partner was sending texts to someone at work that were flirty in tone but had got into dangerous territory. That those texts were being systematically deleted so as to conceal the nature of this 'friendship' then our relationship would be in huge trouble.

I would regard that as an emotional affair and I would find it very difficult to forgive that kind of betrayal.

It doesn't matter if you see it as harmless because you haven't yet fucked.

You're all being so harsh!
She only deleted them because her husband would be jealous unnecessarily.
That's how it goes, no?

OP - fucksake - grow up and stop treating your husband like shit.

You're not cheating on him yet but you are in the danger zone as it were. Don't panic just watch what you say, guide the conversation to better subjects and maybe invite him round and make him a friend of the family / your husband rather than done just between you two.

The fact you have to ask highlights that this relationship could lead somewhere it shouldn't.

You are at a T junction with a decision to make.

Keep up the contact and enable the compliments / excitement / diversion from everyday life to become addictive. This quickly escalates and before you know it you're having an affair.

Or stop the contact before it has too powerful a grip on your rational brain. This is the preferred option!

You love your husband and have a great life so you've not even got he excuse of being miserable at home!

Think about your children and the hurt this could cause. Stop kidding yourself that it's all innocent.

She only deleted them because her husband would be jealous unnecessarily.

you are right. She is kind and considerate. Being upset with your dh was messaging someone, flirting and then deleting them is treating like shit!

Thanks for showing us the way!

Sorry- just realised you were joking will go get more coffee before I post anymore

Nobody has pointed out the glaringly obvious thing about this 'friendship' to me.

Om is NOT your friend. He is pursuing you in a dishonest way, disrespecting your family, at a time when you're quite vulnerable. He is selfish and horrible.

Get back to being a work colleague only.

Go and look at your baby and your husband and think about what you're risking for nothing!

Friends dont flirt with each other and friends dont delete texts either you are caught up in the excitement of this feel a bit daring you know it isnt right but enjoying the thrill imagine your husband flirting with another women secretly texting her he could be emailing her right now and not giving his family a second thought you know exactly how you would feel. This flirting could easily turn messy for everybody its not worth it for a cheeky text that makes you feel a bit naughty and attractive to somebody else

Op, I'm sure if it was the other way round you would be on here moaning about it.

You know what you are doing isn't right so stop it now before things get out of hand.

"I love DH so much, We have an amazing life, our sex life is fantastic and he is very much my best friend."

What more do you want?

See as a naturally flirty person working in a field dominated by the opposite sex I can relate to OP

My OH openly says I will flirt with anything, man, woman or beast (bit harsh imo 😂). I am as tactile and flirty whether my OH is there or not, and I think that is the key. I have spoken to my OH a few times about it and basically, I do not hide anything. If I began lying to my OH or hiding things (message threads) then my OH would be rightly concerned.

Would OP behave the same if her DH was there/aware? I don't think so. Therefore I think she has answered her own question

Yes, you are cheating on a good man, the OM should realise how out of order it is to be sending flirty texts to another mans wife. Stop it now, before you get found out.

Someone once said to me 'if you are doing something you wouldn't do in front of your partner you are cheating'. I wholeheartedly agree.

Op , is show your DH some of the more 'dangerous' texts , his reaction will answer your question