This is likely to be long and I don't want to dripfeed so big congrats to anyone who keeps going!
I have been married for nearly 12 years, been with DH since I was 19 (together for 16 years now) and we have 2 fabulous kids, DS 9 and DD 3. Over the last 4-5 years I have become increasingly disillusioned with the state of my marriage and what our relationship has become. We had a big conversation about four and half years ago where I told him as such and explained how miserable I was and that we needed to sort ourselves out. We did for a time I guess and the classic 'band aid baby' DD came along.
But, now she's bigger, I'm pretty sure I cannot do this anymore and do not want to be in this marriage. There's nothing 'wrong' as such. He doesn't beat me or cheat on me nor is he emotionally abusive in anyway. There are just so many small things that he does that I have been trying to live with for so long but am becoming increasingly frustrated with. He does very little around the house. He gets them ready for school each day and does the school run as I work early but we do our fair share of pick-ups and dinners as he often works late. He also works some of the weekend so I am with the two on my own then. He will leave clothes, plates, food, food wrappers around the houses and does almost no housework whatsoever unless asked.
Another thing is that he doesn't wash very often. I counted recently and it took him nearly 17 days to have a bath. It's disgusting. He sometimes won't change his underwear all week either or brush his teeth yet still expects to sleep in our bed and have sex. It almost repulses me.
Another thing is money. He is horrendous with money. I earn more so pay the vast majority of bills. I have no idea how much he earns. He gives me some every week but I have no idea what he does with what he has left. He often asks me for more during the week. I pay for everything for the children. If we go out as a family, he never pays for anything. I had to find a great deal of money just before Christmas to fix his car as he had none saved. He just assumed I'd pay it. He also has no friends or hobbies and will spend night upon night online gaming on his phone or tablet. He doesn't really talk to me or ask about my day.
I'm so tired of it all. I am tired of being the grown up. It's like he's a teenager and I am his mother. I have to blow up at him And remind him of all of this about every 6 months or so. It gets better for a bit but he can't maintain it and it slips back.
I'm done. I've had enough. I can't live like this anymore. I am so miserable and need more out of my life.
However, when I've tried to talk to my mum and family, they all think I'm being horrendously selfish and that it will devastate him. They say that I'm his world and that I need to stop thinking I can 'have it all'. I have a good but demanding career, a hobby that I love and go out a bit with. But they think I need to give this up to give him more. And they think my new hobby- which means I spend time out socialising more than I did- has caused all this. It really hasn't. I have felt like this for years. Long before my hobby came along. Nor is there anyone else. I am just miserable and lonely beyond belief and I am tired of pretending to be happy.
We had a big talk last week and he is devastated. He doesn't want to split and says he can change but I don't think he can or maintain it in the long run. I asked him if he was depressed (this is a common question I get asked about him esp with the not washing and no friends / hobbies). He said he wasn't. More that he was totally content with his life and didn't realise anything was wrong.
I just don't know what to do. Am I being selfish for wanting more? Should I just do what they say and give up on any of my dreams and ambitions to make him happy? It would be an easier life. I don't want to put my kids through a separation but there is no joy or laughter with him. But, then he wouldn't be so broken and my family wouldn't be so disappointed with me.
Any thoughts anyone. Please