His happiness over mine

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This is likely to be long and I don't want to dripfeed so big congrats to anyone who keeps going!

I have been married for nearly 12 years, been with DH since I was 19 (together for 16 years now) and we have 2 fabulous kids, DS 9 and DD 3. Over the last 4-5 years I have become increasingly disillusioned with the state of my marriage and what our relationship has become. We had a big conversation about four and half years ago where I told him as such and explained how miserable I was and that we needed to sort ourselves out. We did for a time I guess and the classic 'band aid baby' DD came along.

But, now she's bigger, I'm pretty sure I cannot do this anymore and do not want to be in this marriage. There's nothing 'wrong' as such. He doesn't beat me or cheat on me nor is he emotionally abusive in anyway. There are just so many small things that he does that I have been trying to live with for so long but am becoming increasingly frustrated with. He does very little around the house. He gets them ready for school each day and does the school run as I work early but we do our fair share of pick-ups and dinners as he often works late. He also works some of the weekend so I am with the two on my own then. He will leave clothes, plates, food, food wrappers around the houses and does almost no housework whatsoever unless asked.

Another thing is that he doesn't wash very often. I counted recently and it took him nearly 17 days to have a bath. It's disgusting. He sometimes won't change his underwear all week either or brush his teeth yet still expects to sleep in our bed and have sex. It almost repulses me.

Another thing is money. He is horrendous with money. I earn more so pay the vast majority of bills. I have no idea how much he earns. He gives me some every week but I have no idea what he does with what he has left. He often asks me for more during the week. I pay for everything for the children. If we go out as a family, he never pays for anything. I had to find a great deal of money just before Christmas to fix his car as he had none saved. He just assumed I'd pay it. He also has no friends or hobbies and will spend night upon night online gaming on his phone or tablet. He doesn't really talk to me or ask about my day.

I'm so tired of it all. I am tired of being the grown up. It's like he's a teenager and I am his mother. I have to blow up at him And remind him of all of this about every 6 months or so. It gets better for a bit but he can't maintain it and it slips back.
I'm done. I've had enough. I can't live like this anymore. I am so miserable and need more out of my life.
However, when I've tried to talk to my mum and family, they all think I'm being horrendously selfish and that it will devastate him. They say that I'm his world and that I need to stop thinking I can 'have it all'. I have a good but demanding career, a hobby that I love and go out a bit with. But they think I need to give this up to give him more. And they think my new hobby- which means I spend time out socialising more than I did- has caused all this. It really hasn't. I have felt like this for years. Long before my hobby came along. Nor is there anyone else. I am just miserable and lonely beyond belief and I am tired of pretending to be happy.
We had a big talk last week and he is devastated. He doesn't want to split and says he can change but I don't think he can or maintain it in the long run. I asked him if he was depressed (this is a common question I get asked about him esp with the not washing and no friends / hobbies). He said he wasn't. More that he was totally content with his life and didn't realise anything was wrong.
I just don't know what to do. Am I being selfish for wanting more? Should I just do what they say and give up on any of my dreams and ambitions to make him happy? It would be an easier life. I don't want to put my kids through a separation but there is no joy or laughter with him. But, then he wouldn't be so broken and my family wouldn't be so disappointed with me.
Any thoughts anyone. Please

What Kidnapped said deserves highlighting:

They are calling you selfish because you want to be happy? It says a lot about them.

Still, if they are that bothered about him they can take him in.

*You might want to have a think about your own upbringing if your own family think that you exist merely in order to service someone else. They sound almost worse than he is.

They are calling you selfish because you want to be happy? It says a lot about them.*

This completely. I think the word selfish is used badly a lot of the time. What is wrong about putting yourself first? Who else should be your priority (children are different of course)?

this relationship has run its course. Your life wouldn't change at all for the worse and quite a lot for the better without him. You are young. Are you really going to do this for the next 50 years?

Do what suits you best. There is nothing wrong with doing that.

You do most of the childcare.

You do all the housework.

He leaves a huge mess behind him (so even more housework for you).

You pay most of the bills and he expects you to give him money when he runs out.

He sits glued to his ipad playing games in the evening and shows no interest in your day.

And on top of this he doesn't wash - for seventeen days!!!!

No wonder you've fallen out of love! What do you get out of this?! Not only would you not notice if he wasn't there it would actually improve your life!

You don't need a man to cheat or treat you like crap or be a monster to want to end a marriage. The above reasons are more than enough!

Would it be difficult to figure out his financials? I like a PP's theory that all his money is going on gambling websites. Probably doesn't make a difference to your mindset - you've already decided, it seems (and not unreasonably!) - but when you're filling in divorce paperwork, information like this might be useful when the legal bods are sorting out child maintenance issues.

16 years of this shit. Please do not make it 17. It sounds horrendous.

What everyone else has said, with knobs on!
This man is royally taking the piss.
What is he offering in this relationship? Presumably he is a good father? But his attitude towards you is a disgrace.
Why, on earth, does he feel it is acceptable for basic hygiene to go by the wayside....do his colleagues not mind either??
I am guessing that when you have re-read your initial post in black and white, you have realised that the decision to end this marriage is a no brainier.

I'm sitting here in tears reading your replies as I know it's the truth. I have let things get this bad. Naturally I am quite a control freak and therefore have always taken control of things in the house and financially. That combined with his complete and utter laziness though has exacerbated the situation to where it is now.

Someone- sorry I can't remember who- said that it sounded like I was tired. I am. Bone tired and completely worn down by it all. I am tired of being the responsible one. I am tired of organising the finances, the children, where we go on bloody holiday, the house, the washing, the housework..... I am so tired. This on top of my job which is extremely stressful and where I work around 60 hours a week. I love my job. I'm brilliant at it and it rejunvenates me but all
I get from my mum is that my job is at fault for my marriage because I work too hard. And I should be more understanding of my DH as he has to do the school run and that's very stressful. He does it because I get up at 5:30am everyday to be at my desk for 7am. To do my job that gives my children the roof over their heads and food in their tummies. She then also told me that again I am too hard on him because he cannot do a 'good job I would be proud of' because I 'made my career choice'. I can't have it all ways apparently.

The washing thing gets me down too. Just to clarify, I don't actually have sex with him very often. I think it's only been 3 or 4 times since Christmas. And I was possibly drunk two of those.

I am just so miserable. I'm only 35. I don't want my children to grow up living like this and I don't want the rest of my life to be like this either.

Sorry we've made you cry OP, I'm aware my post was a bit harsh. You'll know though that sometimes it's the only way to make ourselves sit up and listen.

You sound very self aware and sorted, I can't imagine the mechanics of splitting up will daunt you. You do however sound very kind, caring and sensitive to the needs and emotions of others. This appears to be what has prevented you from taking any action before now.

I think your mum might need a few harsh words from you ! Even if she can't support you, you need to know she's not going to be actively against you. You may need to withdraw from her whilst you make your decision, and during the early days of the split, if that is what you decide to do.

I am currently watching a close friend going through a very similar situation to you. She is literally drowning, and I would love to throw her a life line. I still don't think it's legal though for me to kidnap her absolute piss-taking arse of a partner and bury him under the patio. If she wrote your post I'd be delighted, only to see that she had finally had enough.

You've only got one life, love.

It will be hard on everyone, not least of all you or your dc, but just think of how nice it will be to only be looking after 2 other people instead of 3.

And in due course, you might want to find a nice, clean, sociable man who pays his own way, and you'll be free to do that.

Your mum wants you to live a 50s housewife life. You don't want that. Even if you did want it, you couldn't have it with this lazy arse because he doesn't earn enough and he gambles what he has away. She thinks men's lives are more important than women's. Stop talking to her about him. Her attitudes are batshit crazy and totally unhelpful to you. You need to be unlearning the batshit stuff she has taught you about relationships, which helped you get in this situation in the first place.

If you really really feel you must have a water tight case against him before splitting, do what mumoftwo said and give him six months to prove he can do those 3 things, and do them independently (no reminding, no nagging): pay £x, (y%) of all the household running costs, wash regularly, do his half of the housework (your respective lists attached).

I'd put the second of 3 things up on the fridge and I'd tell everyone I know that this is how he will save his marriage.

Of course, you know he won't do it. When he doesn't, you can tell everyone about how he wouldn't even do those three easy things to save his marriage, you are so sad he doesn't want to save the marriage but what can you do if he won't make even basic effort to save the marriage. Job done.

Ffs. Phone typing always goes wrong on MN.

I'd put the list of 3 things up on the fridge.

Well actually this is 2016 and you can have it all!

So hard to believe that though when you've got a lazy husband who doesn't have the first idea about teamwork plus a mother with outdated and old-fashioned ideas about a 'woman's place'.

But you should feel proud of yourself. Husband aside, you're doing brilliantly. Well done on achieving a career you enjoy and are good at as well as managing everything at home.

All this will give you the strength to end your marriage and make a fresh start. You've given him plenty of time to change and he hasn't. His laziness, lack of hygiene, poor financial skills, slobbishness etc are not your fault or responsibility so don't waste anymore precious time feeling guilty about him. 35 is still young enough to say you have your best years ahead of you still.

Good luck.

One of the things that would seriously enhance your life would be to stop talking to your mother about your marriage. She honestly hasn't got a bloody clue. If he's so wonderful she can put him up when you've kicked him out.

He's vile. You're done. Get shot. Live a happy life.

I don't see what your dm's opinion has to do with your marriage. Maybe try a list of pros and cons, although I fear your list of pros would be excessively short.

Of course, you know he won't do it. When he doesn't, you can tell everyone about how he wouldn't even do those three easy things to save his marriage, you are so sad he doesn't want to save the marriage but what can you do if he won't make even basic effort to save the marriage. Job done.

This is perfect.

Op think how much better you life would be if he was told to get the hell out.
He creates mess and stink, you will probably be nose blind to the stench he causes by his poor hygiene.

You already do all the work required to run a household. He is a drain on your self worth.

You deserve so much more.

Just look at what you have done.

You've created a family which you support emotionally, practically and financially. You have forged a great career, do all of the gruntwork at home and have finally managed to have a hobby that you enjoy.

You've done all of that with a man-shaped weight on your shoulders dragging you down and your mother and the rest of your family whispering in your ear that, effectively, you don't deserve any better.

You do deserve better. From all of them. And if they are not capable of delivering "better" then you have already proved that you can do every single thing on your own. You've had to. Your husband has let you down badly. Your extended family has let you down badly.

Time to get angry.

Thank you all for the continued replies. Can I just clarify that it's not online gambling- it's online gaming he's almost surgically attached to. Gambling would be a big non- negotiable for me and would at least explain somethings financially. But I don't think it is. It's just a really tedious, boring online war community thing. He will spend hours upon hours on it.

Someone mentioned pros and cons earlier. I guess the main pro would be that he is a good dad and the children love him. They do and it would break him to lose them. However, I'd like to think we could do this is a way that we'd still parent as much as possible together. I couldn't cope practically without him so I'd still need help getting the kids to and from school and would like to keep their lives as normal as possible. I'm also really conscious that we should do this before I end up hating him and we can't do this in the way we should.

That's probably about the only pro I can think of at the moment. He gives me very little emotionally and financially. I need him practically but I struggle beyond that. Other than a great sense of sadness at losing our shared history.

I like the list on the fridge idea and know he wouldn't be able to last! Since our talk last week, he's killing me with kindness and doing everything he can. I know it won't last though. It never does. He can't keep it up. Talking this through really helps. Thanks

Excellent post kidnapped! I'm in a similar boat to the OP.
Some of my friends have been dreadfully unsupportive, minimising my experiences because they don't see the issues I have had with exDH as important, regardless of how many issues are happening at once.

Minimising left right and centre. Crowding my head with 'advice' which I'm no longer prepared to take on board.

It's like they, parents inxluded, think I'm being unrealistic, demanding, too tough on exDH.

Can't be bothered explaining any more.

I rally don't know how you have managed this long.

You have one life and make sure you don't waste anymore of it.

OP good wishes to you. For strength, courage and more resilience to get you through what you need to do.

I couldn't cope practically without him so I'd still need help getting the kids to and from school

I don't think you can show him the door and then dictate the ways he would continue to support your household by coming in as unpaid help. Yes, he would still have parenting responsibilities but they would be negotiated by you both and would presumably be in his own residence.

If you're getting out, you will have to learn to cope, unless he's exceptionally understanding and compliant. Personally, I wouldn't be.

If the genders were reversed in this thread, I don't think anyone would find it acceptable that someone was thinking about kicking their wife out but expecting her to live nearby enough to come in each day and get the children ready for school.

Fucking hell he sounds worse than my ex
Does he have no pride??

You'd have to get an au-pair or something for the days the DC are with you. Or work longer days on the days he has them and shorter on your own days. There are lots of different ways to do it but the current set up is not one of those ways once he gets his own place.