His happiness over mine

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This is likely to be long and I don't want to dripfeed so big congrats to anyone who keeps going!

I have been married for nearly 12 years, been with DH since I was 19 (together for 16 years now) and we have 2 fabulous kids, DS 9 and DD 3. Over the last 4-5 years I have become increasingly disillusioned with the state of my marriage and what our relationship has become. We had a big conversation about four and half years ago where I told him as such and explained how miserable I was and that we needed to sort ourselves out. We did for a time I guess and the classic 'band aid baby' DD came along.

But, now she's bigger, I'm pretty sure I cannot do this anymore and do not want to be in this marriage. There's nothing 'wrong' as such. He doesn't beat me or cheat on me nor is he emotionally abusive in anyway. There are just so many small things that he does that I have been trying to live with for so long but am becoming increasingly frustrated with. He does very little around the house. He gets them ready for school each day and does the school run as I work early but we do our fair share of pick-ups and dinners as he often works late. He also works some of the weekend so I am with the two on my own then. He will leave clothes, plates, food, food wrappers around the houses and does almost no housework whatsoever unless asked.

Another thing is that he doesn't wash very often. I counted recently and it took him nearly 17 days to have a bath. It's disgusting. He sometimes won't change his underwear all week either or brush his teeth yet still expects to sleep in our bed and have sex. It almost repulses me.

Another thing is money. He is horrendous with money. I earn more so pay the vast majority of bills. I have no idea how much he earns. He gives me some every week but I have no idea what he does with what he has left. He often asks me for more during the week. I pay for everything for the children. If we go out as a family, he never pays for anything. I had to find a great deal of money just before Christmas to fix his car as he had none saved. He just assumed I'd pay it. He also has no friends or hobbies and will spend night upon night online gaming on his phone or tablet. He doesn't really talk to me or ask about my day.

I'm so tired of it all. I am tired of being the grown up. It's like he's a teenager and I am his mother. I have to blow up at him And remind him of all of this about every 6 months or so. It gets better for a bit but he can't maintain it and it slips back.
I'm done. I've had enough. I can't live like this anymore. I am so miserable and need more out of my life.
However, when I've tried to talk to my mum and family, they all think I'm being horrendously selfish and that it will devastate him. They say that I'm his world and that I need to stop thinking I can 'have it all'. I have a good but demanding career, a hobby that I love and go out a bit with. But they think I need to give this up to give him more. And they think my new hobby- which means I spend time out socialising more than I did- has caused all this. It really hasn't. I have felt like this for years. Long before my hobby came along. Nor is there anyone else. I am just miserable and lonely beyond belief and I am tired of pretending to be happy.
We had a big talk last week and he is devastated. He doesn't want to split and says he can change but I don't think he can or maintain it in the long run. I asked him if he was depressed (this is a common question I get asked about him esp with the not washing and no friends / hobbies). He said he wasn't. More that he was totally content with his life and didn't realise anything was wrong.
I just don't know what to do. Am I being selfish for wanting more? Should I just do what they say and give up on any of my dreams and ambitions to make him happy? It would be an easier life. I don't want to put my kids through a separation but there is no joy or laughter with him. But, then he wouldn't be so broken and my family wouldn't be so disappointed with me.
Any thoughts anyone. Please

The DC wouldn't lose him if you did 50:50. In fact they'd probably get more quality time with him, which is surely a good thing.

You need help. Fair enough. But you need to pay for someone else to pick up the slack. Au pair or child minder - it'll give you wings. Changed my life beyond anything I'd imagined.

That didn't come out quite right. Yes I know full well I'd need a certain level of outside help and will organise that. The practicalities of our life are one of the reasons why this has stayed the same for so long. I can't drive (although have started lessons recently) and work a bus ride away and need to be at work early. I can't change my hours (teaching) so that is what it is.
I'd like to think that within our negotiations of childcare, he'd be able / want to pick up the children on certain days. He only does it 2 days a week anyway. I do the others with the help of after school clubs, nursery and a child minder. But I certainly wouldn't be bossing him about like some unpaid skivvy to boss about. I just meant we'd have to negotiate the childcare carefully.
It'd be my priority over everything else because, basically, he does fuck all else currently. Otherwise I'd have been able to leave years ago.

Yes, if he kicks off about dropping his children at school 2 days a week then just arrange cover for that. You've had to work around his shortcomings for years. One more workaround is easy for you.

And then leave him to think about how exactly he does intend to be involved in raising his children if he isn't even willing to do that.

I'd start planning the practicalities. Could you host an au pair?
If he is an okay Dad, then do you think you could go for a 50:50 residency arrangement?

You are already doing it all, so I can't see how despite your Mum's fears it could be harder if you split (could be easier as you have one less person to organise).

If he works 2 days a week yet you still have nursery fees child minders clubs ?

OP where his family? Can you send him packing to his parentd?

And if these 50/50 childcare you'll have loads more time to sort out work and the h I use and still have free time to relax

when I've tried to talk to my mum and family, they all think I'm being horrendously selfish and that it will devastate him. They say that I'm his world and that I need to stop thinking I can 'have it all

Suspect that this response is motivated by self interest

They don't want your to rock the boat, to challenge the convention that a women should sacrifice her wellbeing for that of her partner

If you call time on your relationship then the injustices in their relationships will be harder to ignore

Who would want their ex coming into their home five mornings a week to get their children ready for school? Not me. Next thing you know he'll want to stay over to be on hand in the mornings and the OP will be back practically where she started.

Nine and three is quite a big age-gap for kids to share a room but needs must. If you have three bedrooms then an au pair would solve all the before-and-after-school problems. Still the OP is an accomplished organiser, so it's all do-able.

Formal separation doesn't have to affect the children negatively if both parties are intent on assuring them that little will change other than the practicalities.

OP you could look into the possibility of gaining a Mesher Order which would mean the family home wouldn't need to be sold and the proceeds split until the children reach the age of majority. An hour's consultation with a solicitor wouldn't be wasted there.

Right. Let's get this word 'selfish' dealt with. There is selfish and there is selfish. He has already been incredibly selfish, taken selfish to while new heights. Now, for the sake of your sanity, your health, your self, it is time for you to be selfish! So if anyone uses that word on you again, just say, yes, selfish, I am saving myself. Your mother should want your happiness over his anyway, and if she doesn't, then you need to try to stop giving a fuck what she thinks.

You are allowed to want a happy life for yourself and for your dcs.

You don't need to justify this to anyone. Sadly, your H cannot bring himself to put 100% into being married to you and into being a father. That is his responsibility, not yours. He is the one who has brought this marriage to its knees, not you. He has had plenty of chances, and he hasn't taken them. If you need to tell anyone anything, tell them that.

Best of luck with this, and try to help yourself by not giving a fuck what anyone else thinks!

Your mum and family may also like having you in the position of 'person with a relationship/life/husband worse than mine'
You make them feel better about their own lives because they can look at you and think 'at least my life isn't that bad'

The 'selfish' accusation is a tactic to shut you up and make you comply by inducing a knee jerk guilt reaction

If they really had your long term best interests at heart they would try to be non judgemental and encourage you to explore and discuss your feelings.

I have read a few threads this morning where op's tolerate abmisal living situations because they are under some illusion separation will 'break' or 'devastate' the children....
It's how deal with it that shapes how they cope. My children have a better relationship with their dad now minus arguments, resentment etc.
You Also work in one of the most flexible professions and are approaching a holiday to get this sorted (that's what I did)
Come on you can do it ....

We don't own our house. We currently rent and have done forever. (We wouldn't get a mortgage due to his fuckwittage with money) The tenancy is joint but it comes out of my bank I don't think the agents would question it if he moved out. Financially I have always been in charge of the flat. It is also only a 2 bedroom so there's no way I could host an au pair. The kids share already. This is not ideal and I would like a bigger place but rents where we are are astronomical (South coast).
He also doesn't only work 2 days a week. He works five days but three of those days are very long. The other two short. On one of those days he only works 2 hours and then sits around at home gaming. He is supposed to clean the flat and go shopping on that day. It doesn't happen. Unless I remind him to. And the kids still to nursery and after school club on that day.
Oh, and his family are all back in South Africa. He has no-one here at all other than me and my family. The practicalities are so hard and I do feel an enormous amount of responsibility towards him in that sense as he has no-one. He wouldn't be able to afford a place of his own. Certainly not somewhere he'd be able to have the children to stay.
This is part of my dread of sorting it all out.
Thanks for all the posts.

He is responsible for himself - he should be responsible towards you and the kids - he is none of those things

He has no-one here at all other than me and my family. The practicalities are so hard and I do feel an enormous amount of responsibility towards him in that sense as he has no-one. He wouldn't be able to afford a place of his own

He has put himself iin a very vulnerable position, he deliberately brings very little to the table and so needs you far more than you need him.
The only card he can play is the sympathy card, I guess he thinks it's an ace, then again ace can be high or low!

(Excuse the extended card game metaphor)

He's a human millstone

LTB

The practicalities are so hard and I do feel an enormous amount of responsibility towards him in that sense as he has no-one.

He's an adult.You aren't his mother.

I strongly suspect he would ultimately move back to SA, tbh.

He sounds like an addict. Addicted to the gaming - to the point he doesn't wash for weeks and is about to lose his marriage but even that doesn't stop him.

Not that you should feel sorry for him but it might make some sense of his dreadful and useless behaviour. A reason but NOT an excuse.

he is vile and I have to say I don't get why you are with him

may I ask - sorry if I missed it - has he always been like this in terms of washing etc?

thing is, he won't change because someone will always do things for him. He is a vulture of the worst kind, the sort of person, if he was my neighbour and I could smell him, I wouldn't even wave hello.

btw I'm genuinely baffled that anyone who cares for you thinks you should stay in this relationship

He's always been lax with hygiene. It is not a recent thing. I remember when we first met and I told a colleague of ours that I started seeing him. He said "oh xxx. Don't you think he smells a bit weird?" This was 16 and a half years ago! Thinking of it, he was wearing the same pair of pants the first two times we slept together. At the time I thought he'd washed them quick, I know this isn't true!

I do wonder if he would move back to SA myself. That would devastate the kids beyond belief. I'm not sure if he would leave them though. He truly, truly loves them. We are his whole world. He says he is completely heartbroken by our conversation last week. I don't know how he hasn't seen any of this coming or how unhappy I am.

I tried talking to my DM this morning and tried explaining some of the things I've outlined here. I said she doesn't know the true extent of the money situation, what he's like at washing and around the house. She said that it was true that she didn't know my whole life but to remember how much he loved me and I might never find that again. I said I knew that and cared about him very much too but I cannot simply carry on acting like his mother or being responsible for his happiness and lifestyle. She suggested something similar to the three things (washing, helping at home and paying his way) as non-negotiables over a set period. Then she said she'd text him everyday to remind him. I told her that she'd just be enabling him too and that wouldn't be bloody helpful.
I guess I need to stop talking to her about it.

Can you picture a scenario where you tell him what he needs to do to save the marriage.and him agree and actually do it?