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Relationships

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Original poster

Should I marry him even though he's a git?

82 replies

hollyj · 16/01/2007 20:42

My dp of nearly four years (have dd 15 months) "proposed" to me at the w/e. I have wanted us to get married since dd was born, don't know why exactly, just like the idea of us all having the same surname and being properly recognised as a family, plus I could call him my husband instaed of that hideous word partner.
So it all sounds good but here's the problem. He didn't get down on one knee and tell me he loved me or anything. He basically said we should get married to make me happy. In a discussion later he said he didn't really want to get married but knew he wanted to be with me forever and if that was what I wanted then he would do it.
Well I wasn't exactly bowled over with the romance of it all. Now I feel like he has ruined it all and how can I marry him knowing he doesn't really want to and he's doing it as a FAVOUR. Jesus Christ I'm not some sort of charity case..
Should I just go ahead even though his heart's not in it? or try to forget the whole sorry affair and carry on as before? OR elope with a Jude-Law-lookalike who appreciates me

OP posts:

belgo · 17/01/2007 08:48

The whole romantic gesture of getting down on one knee to ask you to marry him means nothing. It means far more that he wants to be with you forever, and that he loves you.

I don't think either me or my dh asked each other to get married, we had been together five years, and it was what I wanted. My dh would have been content to carry on co habiting, but he realised I wanted the commitment.

If you don't want to get married with the huge white wedding thing, but still want it more meaningful then a day out to the zoo, what about planning a wedding somewhere else in Europe?

I know people who got married in Italy, and another couple who married in Prague, and I got married in Belgium.

Original poster

hollyj · 17/01/2007 11:40

Hmm, that's an idea Belgo.. he's from Dublin and my dad is from India so there are two possibilities..
I think he'd be more excited about a trip to India than a wedding though!!

OP posts:

Imafairy · 17/01/2007 11:53

HollyJ - I am going to tell you a secret that I've never told anybody else........when DH proposed to me, he did so at a wedding...of one of his ex-girlfriends!!!!!!! I told him that he needed to propose to me somewhere else, as I was never ever going to tell anyone that we got engaged at so and so's wedding!
So about a week later (and it was quite good cos there were lots of situations where I thought it might happen but didn't (and naturally I was disappointed )), he proposed to me when I wasn't expecting it, I naturally said yes, and proceeded to cry with (real) joy for about 30 minutes.
My engagement story is the latter, and as I've said, no one on this earth knows about the former. And to be honest, I totally forget about the former and hadn't remembered it in ages till I read this thread. So if it really matters, you can get him to re-do it, and start again!

Original poster

hollyj · 17/01/2007 12:08

Thank you for telling me your secret Imafairy !
But you know, I think that was quite romantic of him, as in here I am looking at my ex-girlfriend and it makes me realise that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Is that not quite sweet?

Or have I just been brainwashed by all the MNers telling me how sweet my proposal was?

OP posts:

aDad · 17/01/2007 12:21

your proposal was sweet.

Marry him quick. He wants to do it, despite previous feelings about marriage, and he has been totally honest with you.

And make sure he doesn't see what you said about him in your OP!

belgo · 17/01/2007 12:23

hollyj - an Indian wedding - on the beach in Goa - now that sounds wonderful!!!

Imafairy · 17/01/2007 12:25

Oh you're right HollyJ - I was far more hung up on the ex than he ever was.
And no you're not being brainwashed.
You both want to be married without the big wedding thing, so I agree with the others who say you should maybe plan for a wedding abroad - perhaps Vegas???

Original poster

hollyj · 17/01/2007 12:31

Adad, I've already told him what I put in my OP and he STILL wants to marry me. Beginning to wonder if he needs his head read..

OP posts:

aDad · 17/01/2007 12:33

You might be right

JanH · 17/01/2007 12:34

Holly, you can have the wedding in a register office with no fuss at all in almost no time - get booked in, take DD along in something pretty, get 2 witnesses out of the office (my DD1 has been working for Social Services in the same building as the Register Office since March and she's already been a witness ) and then that's done and you can think about a nice romantic honeymoon!

aviatrix · 17/01/2007 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Rhubarb · 17/01/2007 12:49

But does the proposal indicate what the rest of your lives will be like together?

No it won't.

You either love him very much and want to marry him. In which case the actual proposal doesn't matter at all.

Or you are hanging on waiting for a better offer or the chance that he will turn into the man of your dreams.

Sorry but I think your hesitation here speaks volumes.

Tell me I'm wrong.

expatinscotland · 17/01/2007 12:51

I don't think either of you is mature enough to marry, from your OP.

Him b/c he doesn't want to marry, you for thinking that if it's not a proposal worth of a sappy Hollywood Bmovie, that it's 'ruined' and not worth going through with, etc.

mumfor1standfinaltime · 17/01/2007 12:59

Hmm, this is a strange one!

My dh (we have been together 12yrs, married for 5) didn't get down on one knee either and I don't have an engagement ring. we chatted about getting married and we did, but for the right reasons, because we both love each other.

Not to share a name or to call each other 'husband and wife'!

Marriage doesn't stop when you leave the church/registry office, it is something you have to work at to keep.

Sounds to me like you are very hesitant, maybe you should wait a while.

(I am not against anyone who doesn't marry either though, as all relationships take work!)

Original poster

hollyj · 17/01/2007 14:20

You are wrong rhubarb. We've both known since the first few months that this was it and we wanted it to be forever, and we both think that having a child together is the biggest committment you can make and we made that committment two years ago.

I am not hesitant about wanting to be with him or wanting to marry him, I am hesitant about marrying him if it's not what he really wants. If we didn't marry, there would be no question of us splitting up or anything like that.

OP posts:

belgo · 17/01/2007 14:27

Hollyj - you and your partner may have a slightly unconventional way of putting it, but from what you've said, your feelings for each other are sincere.

Go for the wedding in Goa

Original poster

hollyj · 17/01/2007 14:29

Expat, I don't think that is what I said (or meant to say) at all. I don't want all the Hollywood rubbish as I've said before; I just wanted it to be heartfelt and genuine.

I should mention that the 'proposal' came at the end of an argument about his mates taking the p*ss out of him for not marrying me and him saying, 'she only wants to get married for all the presents' (which I said TWO YEARS ago JOKINGLY - in fact that is one of the things we both hate about weddings). I was upset and saying, that isn't why I want to get married, I want to get married to be a proper family etc etc (as said before) and he said, 'OK, let's get married'

I don't think this is anyone's idea of a nice proposal and fair enough I agree with everyone who said that it is still really sweet of him to do it because I want to. But I'm hardly some silly little girl waiting for a knight on a white horse!

OP posts:

Aloha · 17/01/2007 14:38

My dh didn't much care for being married. Didn't think it was very important, but was madly in love with me, wanted to be with me forever and have babies, and knew I wanted to be married, so he proposed. Never crossed my mind to think of this as wrong! He did it for ME! To make ME happy! Totally unselfish and generous IMO.
And as it happens he absolutely loved his wedding day and likes being married.

Oh, and he doesn't wear a wedding ring because, like your dp, he doesn't like jewellery. I think that's absolutely fine. I never even think about it.

Poor blokes proposes to you (on one knee!) to make you happy, tells you he loves you and wants to be with you for the rest of his life....come on!

Aloha · 17/01/2007 14:41

I think much of the stuff we are 'supposed' to do is just naff rubbish really. One knee, red rose, matching rings, wedding favours blah blah blah. I am getting increasingly Cod-like about all this. The only thing that matters is that you love each other, want to stay together, raise your child together with love, and when one of you says something is very important to you, like marriage, the other one, despite their own feelings, puts yours first.

Original poster

hollyj · 17/01/2007 14:51

Absolutely Aloha, but then why shouldn't I put him first and not get married? He is very happy as things are, why am I pushing him into it? I am also very happy but would just prefer to be married.

If one person wants to have sex and one doesn't then you don't, do you? So shouldn't I apply this to marriage too??!!

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 17/01/2007 15:37

Marriage is important for legal reason though, especially if you have children. Yorkiegirl had a thread about it.

SoupDragon · 17/01/2007 15:39

I've only really read the OP but it sounds like he isn't against marriage he just doesn't feel the need to get married. However, he sees that you really do want to get married and is willing to do it for you. Using your sex analogy, I'm sure there are times when you don't really want to have sex but you don't really mind so you do because your partner wants it IYSWIM

expatinscotland · 17/01/2007 15:41

'Expat, I don't think that is what I said (or meant to say) at all. I don't want all the Hollywood rubbish as I've said before; I just wanted it to be heartfelt and genuine. '

But then WHY write something like, 'Should I marry a git?'

You see what I mean?

What's your definition of 'hearfelt and geniune'?

He loves you enough to go through w/it b/c he knows it's important to you.

Isn't that enough?

Dior · 17/01/2007 15:47

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 17/01/2007 15:53

I didn't either, Dior.

But you know, I didn't mind a bit!

B/c he's mature, kind, decent, sweet, gentle, loving and wanted to marry me and have children.

And I'll teach my daughters to hopefully recognise the same in their partners and bollocks ot all the rest!

'Luck is like the Tour de France. You wait ages for it, then it's gone in a flash. Unless you reach out and grab it'.

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