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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I marry him even though he's a git?

82 replies

hollyj · 16/01/2007 20:42

My dp of nearly four years (have dd 15 months) "proposed" to me at the w/e. I have wanted us to get married since dd was born, don't know why exactly, just like the idea of us all having the same surname and being properly recognised as a family, plus I could call him my husband instaed of that hideous word partner.
So it all sounds good but here's the problem. He didn't get down on one knee and tell me he loved me or anything. He basically said we should get married to make me happy. In a discussion later he said he didn't really want to get married but knew he wanted to be with me forever and if that was what I wanted then he would do it.
Well I wasn't exactly bowled over with the romance of it all. Now I feel like he has ruined it all and how can I marry him knowing he doesn't really want to and he's doing it as a FAVOUR. Jesus Christ I'm not some sort of charity case..
Should I just go ahead even though his heart's not in it? or try to forget the whole sorry affair and carry on as before? OR elope with a Jude-Law-lookalike who appreciates me

OP posts:

Wordsmith · 16/01/2007 21:14

Agree totally with JanH. And yes you have been a bit of an ungrateful cow. If you want romance, then why on earth do you want to get married?

Seriously... I can undestand why you want to get married - especially with a child. But not everyone agrees with marriage or sees the point of it. But HE KNOW HE WANTS TO BE WITH YOU FOREVER... well if my dh said that to me I'd go all mushy. And we've been married nearly 17 years. He's prepared to do it JUST FOR YOU. I'm sorry, but what more do you want? You know he doesn't want to get married, so if he made a big fuss of it and did all the down on one knee Mills & Boon stuff, you'd know he didn't mean it. But he's honest and, I repeat, HE KNOWS HE WANTS TO BE WITH YOU FOREVER.

Apparently the average length of a marriage is 6.5 years. So he sounds a better bet.

JanH · 16/01/2007 21:15

And the wedding stuff is the least important thing - ditto rings and telling parents and all that stuff - being married is what it's about, and he will do it, for you, bless his heart.

aviatrix · 16/01/2007 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Edam · 16/01/2007 21:17

Start the conversation again. OK, it went wrong, but it's not worth losing someone you love over, is it?

Choose a time when you are both relaxed and there are no chores (or babies) to distract you. Pour some wine. Tell each other that you love each other! Tell him WHY you love him and why you want to get married - yes, for practical reasons, but really because you love him and want to be with him forever. And he does too, doesn't he? So encourage him to say so!

Hope it works. Dh wound me up before he proposed - I was FURIOUS with him. Luckily he made me laugh so we didn't ruin the rest of our lives by falling out over the very unromantic proposal.

Edam · 16/01/2007 21:17

Or you could try proposing to him, you know?

Tortington · 16/01/2007 21:18

"In a discussion later he said he didn't really want to get married but knew he wanted to be with me forever and if that was what I wanted then he would do it. "

i didn't make it up janh.

some people think this is very romantic

i happen to think this sentence tells me he doesnt want to get married but he would do if she wanted to. would resignation be a better word.

doesnt sound in the least bit romantic to me. maybe i just have different standards.

Wordsmith · 16/01/2007 21:18

In fact if you don't want him, send him over here.

ValnBen · 16/01/2007 21:19

I?m with Aviatrix and vvvqv on this one. He?s doing something cos YOU want it but now you?re not sure????? one thing I live by (and by no means think everyone else should ? but maybe worth a though) if I ever have to ask myself ? should I/do I to any question, then the fact I am asking and doubting says volumes ? step away now!!

Original poster

hollyj · 16/01/2007 21:20

OK OK he's lovely, I'm ungrateful, I knew it all along anyway, will go and re-propose UNBEGRUDGINGLY

OP posts:

JanH · 16/01/2007 21:21

custy, he's willing to do something he doesn't want to because it'll make holly happy! He wants to be with her forever, he obviously loves her a lot, maybe he's not so good at flowery speeches and all that but he sounds like a good and true man to me.

Original poster

hollyj · 16/01/2007 21:23

ValnBen, I'm not doubting for a second that I want to be with him forever (as he well knows)- just that I feel strange marrying someone who doesn't really want to get married. That's not so strange, is it?

OP posts:

ghosty · 16/01/2007 21:24

Marriage is soooo much more than just romance.
My DH was a romantic sop when we got engaged (fancy dinner, champagne, flowers, beautiful ring etc) ...
8 years later he bought me a thigh master for my birthday
But, we are not stupid and realise that romance is over rated - we love eachother, we want to be together for ever, we love our children, ... who needs romance?

I think your DP sounds sweet and he is doing something to make you happy because he wants to make you happy ....
What more could you ask?

PS - can I be a bridesmaid please??

shimmy21 · 16/01/2007 21:24

I can't even remember dh proposing to me because we just kind of talked around the subject for a while until it became clear that that's what we would do.
Neither of us 'believed' in marriage and to be honest we only really married so that dh and I could live together in the same country. Our wedding was small and low budget in my parents' back garden

But our wedding day was the most romantic and special day of my life and I wouldn't change a thing. And I have amazed myself by loving being a wife.

Don't let your girlhood images of big white dresses and confetti spoil what could be really special.

Original poster

hollyj · 16/01/2007 21:26

Aaah, Jan you're making me all mushy, he is a good and true man, bless him (and he's got a lovely six pack )
and you can keep your mucky paws off him, Wordsmith

OP posts:

ValnBen · 16/01/2007 21:26

No, but you?ve wanted the impossible dream all this time ?now you have it and you?re asking should I? What dream are you after is what you should be asking yourself is all I?m saying??

Original poster

hollyj · 16/01/2007 21:30

That's exactly the sort of thing I would like shimmy, I cannot bear the thought of a big white dress, flowers, bridesmaids (sorry ghosts!) and all that stuff, completely horrifies me
Surprisingly he says he wants a biggish do (as in invite most of his friends, not church and marquee) which is the least I can do if he's going to do me the good service of marrying me...

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 16/01/2007 21:30

Good for you holly.

He wont get the wrong idea if you get down on one knee now, woudl he?

wotzsaname · 16/01/2007 21:31

Some men just dont do the romance stuff like on the movies. Im sure no man could ask you to marry hims as favour, thats something they do with mates like lending a tenner.

Start a thread to ask if any mns were proposed to by kneel beneding, star light night moments with rose given by furture spouse, im sure youll see tis not like that in RL for all.

ghosty · 16/01/2007 21:33

ghosty · 16/01/2007 21:37

My parents had been dating for 10 days when my Dad said to my Mum "I have two broken legs (been in nasty car crash a year before), I don't have a car and have no money. But we can get married if you like."

They got married 2 months later ... had 4 children and now have 10 grandchildren. In February they will celebrate their 43rd Wedding Anniversary ...

Very romantic IMO

Plibble · 16/01/2007 21:37

Maybe he didn't propose in a romantic way because your discussions about marriage have been about doing it for practical reasons, not for romantic ones. He may have thought he was giving you the proposal you wanted. You do love him and he clearly loves you. Romance isn't everything but it is nice. Lots of men don't realise how nice it is - so you have a chance to educate him on that point when you propose to him.

VVVQV- let's hope not. That wouldn't be v romantic (at least not around these parts!! )

Rhubarb · 16/01/2007 21:39

Personally I hate the romantic type. Take my man (please), first pressie was a potted cabbage. That said a lot about what our future life together would be like! Honest, faithful and good man, but mean as hell!

When we first met he proposed almost straight away, I said no. Then a year later I proposed and he said no! When we did get engaged there was no fancy proposal, we celebrated with a burger and a pint.

Wedding was cheap and cheerful! I wore white doc martens.

Romance wise, well I got a meat cleaver for Christmas once, an office chair for our anniversary and a calculator for my birthday.

But I ain't a material girl so that's fine by me! I like a man who is different and who can show his love in different ways.

If you can't do without romance then he's not the man for you. But I think you are asking too much. Personally.

Lwatkins · 17/01/2007 01:05

I can totally understand him not believing in the marriage thing, i don't either. If he has told you that he wants to be with you forever, and you have a child together and a lovely life together, isn't that enough? It's just personal opinion here, but i don't see why people need the wedding thing. Maybe it's just me, but i think were lucky if we can find someone to just love us completely in our lifetimes, and if i ever find that - that's enough for me. I think a lot of people lose sight of this when there's a wedding involved. People claim that getting married is the 'biggest commitment two people can make to each other'. Bollocks! Your partner has already made that sort of commitment to you by saying he wants to be with you forever, the only difference with a wedding is he'd be paying thousands of pounds to say this same sentance to you during a ceromaony with cake at the end!
A lot of people look at me like im a freak for saying i don't want to ever get married. Well why would i? They cost a fortune and half of them end in a divorce costing a fortune! Not to mention the sheer stress of it all. The most romantic thing a man could ever do for me is not propose - and i mean that. I would rather take all that money people spend on their weddings and put it into buying a house, or a car or going on some beautiful holidays with my family. But hey, that's just the way i see it. Do what feels right for you, but i would say that if he has told you he doens't really wanna get married and he's just doing it cause you want to - is that really fair on him? Try talking about it, and maybe giving it some more time.
Take care and good luck LW x

Original poster

hollyj · 17/01/2007 08:36

LOL VVV well that might persuade him to say yes

OP posts:

Original poster

hollyj · 17/01/2007 08:40

Rhubarb,

But that IS romantic - that's exactly the kind of romance I like. i can't bear flowers (flown in from kenya, paid the person who picked them 0.0001p), chocolates, big gestures etc - it all seems so fake to me.

A potted cabbage (assuming you're into potted cabbages) is a great pressie. My dp got me a gortex rain hat because my hair always gets wet when I cycle - also v. romantic in my book.

OP posts:

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