You cannot communicate with batshit

[Pingpang]

Following on from a recent thread regarding those who are NC/LC with family members.

Welcome to the good ship Narcymcnarcface! The bar is stocked and there's a seat for everyone. Shuffleboard starts in 20 mins.

[Merd]

Merd even IF your M scouted this site (unlikely) and found this thread (extremely unlikely) she would NEVER EVER EVER see herself in those comments.

God, you're quite right of course.

And now that Fuzzy has said effectively the same thing it's especially unlikely to happen (and what the hell do you think is that about anyway? Stopping their kids making the same mistake of having kids or something maybe??).

I forget that there are so many similar "scripts" our there.

Sounds heartless but she's so transparent about it all, it's almost laughable.

Yes, maybe I should have made it clear that my mum has been ill (like anyone) but she's hardly been at death's door for 20 years. It's just a control mechanism that works for her.

everyone. Just had the giggles over drowning the album, I've had similar moments of just binning shit she's handed over with relish.

And OH MY GOD the shit Christmas present thing! YES. We gave her wishlists (at her request) last year we got things we'd never use. We wouldn't mind if we got nothing, really and truly, we have everything we need, we're not acquisitional, and would trade it all in for a relaxed day together.

[Carly767]

According to mother she always knew there was something wrong with me right from when I was conceived! Took me till feck in 40 years old to realise that all her opinions of me were not true, still in recovery from the ea nearly 20 years on. A family member continues here work, excluding me and triangulating with my DD who still worships her deceased GP, SIGH

[paddlenorapaddle]

Waves can I please board the good ship from from this life raft floating on the sea of Narc mcnarface bullshit

It's taken 40 years to realise both parents and pil are narcs covert and grandiose. The lightbulbs just keep coming

[Merd]

Welcome Paddle.

I think one of the most insidious things about this type of abuse is you don't even see the long-term impact until ... well, the long-term.

Loads of people seem to be in their 30s and 40s and even later in those light-bulb moments. I don't think you could usually articulate it as a child.

[Carly767]

Apologies for jumping aboard with such a brief intro before age 40 from teens really, I tried on a few occasions to go NC without being really aware of the EA just knowing that I was always the unwanted scapegoat, Dsis being the golden child. Having read the previous thread and some on GN I am pleased to be able to say that when DD was born I vowed to myself to never be like my mother, I do regret having allowed mother the amount of contact with DD that she had, I had hoped DD would see her for what she was . . . extreme manipulator especially about money, ... and the rest . so I won't turn this into a book but hope I am welcome aboard .

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

My mum wasn't a huggy person. Apparently that was my fault because I used to wriggle when she tried to hold me on her lap as a baby, so I clearly hated cuddles with her, so she stopped giving them. None of us are huggy, except, as it turns out, I am - and I'm always hugging my boys. I have film of my brother as a baby, crying in his bouncer, and Mum comes to him, picks him up, and puts him straight into the pram for "a sleep" - not a single cuddle. :(

I have to believe that a lot of it was down to her own upbringing, and a traumatic loss of her 2nd pg, but it's still quite shocking to see. And makes me sad for him, even though we no longer speak. Bloody tragic, really.

[Merd]

Sorry she got her hooks into your daughter Carly. I don't have kids yet but want to sort my head out as much as possible in advance. It must be hard now she's gone too.

Books are welcome here - we're all sharing stories we wouldn't tell elsewhere. Hopefully this is a fairly "safe" space in that respect (though still a very public forum of course).

[Carly767]

Thanks for the welcome and cuppa, much appreciated. Going NC at 40 was the best thing ever for me but the ramifications continue although relation is a GP to be at the moment and is showing signs of backing off Fromm DD and GCs. Still tough to deal with and yes, light bulbs still go off even at nearly 60 yo. At one level I see the abusers as extreme examples of discipline and control as opposed to the current trends towards connecting with your children but some like my mother are so extreme it breaks people

[toomuchtooold]

There's a good explanation of triangulation here - divide and conquer is often but not always triangulation.
My mother had a nice sideline in telling me or my dad that we were annoyed at each other's behaviour, as she knew we were closer to each other than we were to her. Sadly for her, we started comparing notes when I was about 13.

dogdays you've just reminded me of our wedding photo album debacle. We initially planned to get married just the two of us until my mother guilt tripped me into inviting her but it was still tiny (8 people), I wore a second hand bridesmaid's dress, DH wore a kilt for a laugh - it was not a big stylish affair. My mother asked if she could hire a professional photographer, we said no. OK, she says, but I want copies of all the photos so that I can do a big album (for her, not for us). OK. FIL (also narcissist, but the more normal pain the arse variety, not actually personality disordered) turns up with a massive SLR camera and shoots loudly throughout the ceremony till I tell him to sod off.

Approx 20 minutes after we come back home from 2 day honeymoon, my mother phones up and asks after the negatives from FiL. DH phones FiL, tries and fails on several attempts to get him to send them ("no I'm not going to send them, that won't be necessary, but wait till you see what I am making for you!" DH tries to explain that it's not us that wants the negatives, or indeed any of the photos, to no avail).
About 2 months later we receive from FiL a photo album which he put together himself. Although it's meant for us, we didn't actually want it, and my mother is still asking after the negatives to do her own album, so we give her FiL's album. She empties FiL's album, bins it, and puts the photos into her own album.

(We took our little digital camera to the wedding and DF and DBiL took some photos with it. I put them in an album. That's actually the only photos we have of the day!)

[Merd]

Ok after this I'm going to go outside and do something productive with my Bank Holiday! But this made me blink:

My mum wasn't a huggy person

Mine neither! But for a different reason - she said I'd hurt her back too much when she gave birth to me, so dad was the one I hugged and she said we had "a special little club didn't we". These days when I hug sibling/dad she always snaps "so where's my hug then?" and gives me the lightest of pets before pushing (physically shoving!) me away.

DH had a bad back a few years ago and couldn't move, sleep, had to do special exercises etc, but still cuddled in any way he could - it made me realise hers was often a useful exaggeration. (DH and I hug and cuddle all the time, and any babies we have will be thoroughly snuggled as much as possible!)

Now, I'm sure that people out there can be non-tactile and still loving but I do wonder how much she just touched and held us as children and if that's fed into some of our problems.

She does cuddle and wrestle around with her pet dog. Just not people.

Maybe she never got hugged as a child either.

[toomuchtooold]

Hello Carly! There's something magic about 40, I know tons of people who went NC at about 40 or so. I... am hanging onto my 30s by days .

Thumb my DD2 was a wriggly baby - you know how most older babies will put their arm round your shoulder if you hold them up on your hip? She would put her arm across the front of my neck to push me away! She was really fussy about her personal space and would protest loudly if anyone got up in her face. We parented her like she would be a cat - be calm, let her come to you - and she's become the mostly cuddly kid you could ever meet. I seriously cannot fucking get my head round doing anything else - blaming a baby for not being cuddly? WTF? They are what they are, and our job is to give them the love that they need, never mind if we get an emotional payoff. Our crazy parents expect their emotional needs to be met by their children/GC as if they were the children and we had been the adults. And then, you know, how long does a kid need that sort of intensive emotional care for? 10-15 years? And as they grow older they meet us in the middle more and more. With narcissists that never happens, you're just stuck with that 3 year old, scratching their itch, for as long as you're willing to put up with it.

(My mother had DD2 picked out as her scapegoat of course, and my DD1 as her GC. "DD1 is my favourite, I already had a dark haired baby so now I'm enjoying the blondie." (DD2 and I are both dark). And then "accidentally" referring to herself as their mummy, and me as their gran. Every single fucking time, despite repeated reminders that she was saying it wrong. I can't believe I let it go on as long as it did.)

[GoodLoveShinesBrightly]

Yes, I was 39 I think when we finally went NC.

[paddlenorapaddle]

Merd the pool looks fab going to have a go at the buffet first

Watched narc father the last GP standing try and divide DS and DD they are only toddlers this week it felt like the last straw

He loves his favourites game and has set DS up to be the scapegoat tough titty for him mn exists he's not having my children.

Sg here, Db & Ds were gc it destroyed our relationships so watching it play out at such a young age triggers sadness and rage in equal measure.

Their favourite trick was to call me a liar and a fantasist to anyone who would listen especially when I spoke the truth. I got attacked and because of them the police dubbed me an unreliable witness they went scot free it was the beginning of the end.

Now mums passed away DF has continued to divide us using his money.

Thing is he can keep it, I don't want it

[paddlenorapaddle]

High fives good love 39 here also

[Fuzzywuzzywasabear]

Just had a missed call off my step father....people can't see everything you've posted on every thread by clicking on your profile can they?

It's just a random coincidence isn't....my pregnant lady hormones can't handle the stress!

[Hissy]

fuzzy my message to merd now applies to you love.

So what if he does see, he wouldn't see himself and would dismiss it all anyway.

[Fuzzywuzzywasabear]

Coincidence, my cousin had a baby this morning and now she's all upset about missing out on grand child and step father is the winged monkey wanting to know why I don't want them involved because they've done nothing wrong from what I can gather.

Dh is on the phone to him now, I was worried someone was ill/ had died so hot him to call back stupid I know.

[Merd]

I am out with my Batshit Person for the afternoon. Kill me!

[rumblingDMexploitingbstds]

barbet. we'll send a lifeboat.

[Merd]

Thanks! The whole family went to a local fair. It's over though now and I've paid my dues for another month or so.

[Strawberryshortcake40]

Ok I need some advice here from others who know what batshit crazy mothers are like!

I have been NC with mine since last August when she basically told me that my DC wasn't ill (she was very ill indeed), that if she was it was my fault and then reeled off an entire list of reasons I'm a crap mother. At which point I realised enough was enough. Since then every month or so she tries to contact me and I ignore her. That's the short version!

Today my elderly grandmother said she wants to talk to me about the situation and try and sort things. I really don't want things sorted (and I'm not sure how they ever can be?) but I don't want to upset her.

Why is this so difficult, I don't need contact with my M, I don't want the stress of all of this.

[Hissy]

Flying monkey

Tell gm that you don't need anything sorting out, but thank her for her concern.

[Strawberryshortcake40]

I tried that. But she insisted that M has asked her to sort things and she needs to try. She got upset about it :(

I hate the way she's been brought in to sort me, like an errant child. And now she's been put in a position of sorting things and obviously wants to make her daughter (my M) happy.