How much involvement does your dp/dh have with their ex (if they have children together )?

[Lovemusic33]

Ok, I think I am struggling with trust with DP and I am struggling with the whole 'ex and children thing' so I am probably being unreasonable.

DP has been living with me for 6 months, it was a bit rushed and I had only been single 6 months ( separated from Dh ). New DP has 2 children with ex, they live quite far away so every Saturday he goes and visits them, they rarely come here as its too much travelling, in a way I like this as I don't have to be too involved with his dc and I get to spend a day with my 2 dc without him being there.
I don't mind DP going to see his children but a few things make me feel uncomfortable. He goes over to his ex's house, lets. Himself in, will go in and make a drink and get the kids ready so he can take them out. Apparently his ex is lazy and is still in bed so he has to get the children ready. He seems to make him self at home, will rummage through her cupboards ( apparently he's checking that she's feeding the kids properly ) , some times he seems to spend more time at the house than out with the kids.
I have spoke to him in the past about how I feel about this and he told me he would just go and collect the kids, take them out for the day and then drop them off later but he carried on going into the house, one day he messaged me to tell me he was tidying up as the house was a mess and she was still in bed, I got really angry as I know if my ex came into my house and did this I would be livid. Anyway last week we had another argument about something and it lead back to this again, again he has agreed to just collect the kids and to stop making his self at home in a house he does not live in, I felt much better and then last night he told me he was giving her a lift to the station on Saturday to save her using the bus ( she's going away for the weekend ).

I know I am probably just being silly, I tend to over think everything, I know she's his children's mother and they are always going to have to be around each other but some of the thing he does just seems odd too me.

I am struggling to trust him due to him telling me he's going to do something and then not doing it ( not just with this, there have been other things ), I really want to trust him and I don't want to feel like this about him going to his ex's as I know it's the only way he can really have contact with his children.

Does anyone else struggle with 'contact with the ex' or is it just me being silly?

Other than this things seem to be really good but I feel like I'm letting this get too me so much that it could ruin things .

He's using his "concern" for his kids to control his ex.

He's obviously not concerned enough to have his kids stay with him, though. But then, if they stayed with him all the time, he wouldn't be able to control his ex

What he tells you he does at his ex's and what he actually does may be two very different things.

We have a similar arrangement to your DP in that he comes here to see the DC, lets himself in and spends the day with us. We spend the day as a family for the dc's benefit. We bake, play games, go out sometimes. It's unusual but it works for us.

He tells me he likes doing it, that he still gets a slice of family life.

I've only just heard, via a mutual friend, that his new DP thinks I am either out or in bed when he comes, that he only comes here because he needs to make sure the DC are looked after, and that I am horrible to him when he's here.

I can only assume that he tells her that so she doesn't feel jealous or insecure. I don't know how I feel about him lying about me, but she was ow so I don't really care that he's lying to her. The only thing she knew about him for sure was that he was a liar, and it didn't put her off.

Yep I agree with other posters, you have no true idea if the mother is lazy or not. Your going by his words. If he was that concerned he be fighting to move closer to them but he's not, says everything.

Me and my ex are civil now but with his last girlfriend we weren't, pretty sure he trash talked me to her! Lol.

All this seems very rushed anyway.

If you regret moving him in too quickly why is it "too late" to do anything about it ?

My ex comes to see dd's once every 2 weeks & has a key. He only uses it if I'm out though.
Dd2 was only 4 months old when he walked out to be with OW, so I thought it was better for her to be in a familiar environment with a stranger even a genetically related one.
We are civil & occasionally do things together with the kids but rarely. I usually go out & then catch up on jobs at home when he takes children out.
Tbh I look forward to the children being old enough for me to stay in bed when he's coming. I work ft and am a single parent. The 8hrs he has the children for are almost the only break I get.
He sometimes goes in cupboards/fridge & evens tidies childrens bedrooms with them.
He's got a cheek commenting on her lifestyle but he's probably just telling you what he thinks you want to hear.
Either you trust him or you don't but he doesn't sound like a great catch.
Perhaps a period of being single might have helped you?

So until he moved in with you he was pretty much homeless?

I think you should take a step back......

Sounds controlling to me, of her. Who checks to see how much TV someone watches? I'm shocked.

And he gets funny with you about your ex yet goes through his ex's stuff. Clear signs of control starting ready. Makes you feel uneasy when he's doing way more than that.

Honestly, you need to take a step back for him to clear your thoughts a bit and maybe he can think about how to have his kids more and get them to school if his ex isn't doing that.