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Relationships

How much involvement does your dp/dh have with their ex (if they have children together )?

58 replies

Lovemusic33 · 27/05/2016 12:03

Ok, I think I am struggling with trust with DP and I am struggling with the whole 'ex and children thing' so I am probably being unreasonable.

DP has been living with me for 6 months, it was a bit rushed and I had only been single 6 months ( separated from Dh ). New DP has 2 children with ex, they live quite far away so every Saturday he goes and visits them, they rarely come here as its too much travelling, in a way I like this as I don't have to be too involved with his dc and I get to spend a day with my 2 dc without him being there.
I don't mind DP going to see his children but a few things make me feel uncomfortable. He goes over to his ex's house, lets. Himself in, will go in and make a drink and get the kids ready so he can take them out. Apparently his ex is lazy and is still in bed so he has to get the children ready. He seems to make him self at home, will rummage through her cupboards ( apparently he's checking that she's feeding the kids properly ) Hmm, some times he seems to spend more time at the house than out with the kids.
I have spoke to him in the past about how I feel about this and he told me he would just go and collect the kids, take them out for the day and then drop them off later but he carried on going into the house, one day he messaged me to tell me he was tidying up as the house was a mess and she was still in bed, I got really angry as I know if my ex came into my house and did this I would be livid. Anyway last week we had another argument about something and it lead back to this again, again he has agreed to just collect the kids and to stop making his self at home in a house he does not live in, I felt much better and then last night he told me he was giving her a lift to the station on Saturday to save her using the bus ( she's going away for the weekend ).

I know I am probably just being silly, I tend to over think everything, I know she's his children's mother and they are always going to have to be around each other but some of the thing he does just seems odd too me.

I am struggling to trust him due to him telling me he's going to do something and then not doing it ( not just with this, there have been other things ), I really want to trust him and I don't want to feel like this about him going to his ex's as I know it's the only way he can really have contact with his children.

Does anyone else struggle with 'contact with the ex' or is it just me being silly?

Other than this things seem to be really good but I feel like I'm letting this get too me so much that it could ruin things Sad.

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Norky1975 · 27/05/2016 13:36

I'm in a very similar situation.
Felling your pain!

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AliceInUnderpants · 27/05/2016 13:36

Well surely the fact that he isn't bothered about being a parent to his own children would have suggested he wouldn't be the best parental figure to yours? Hmm

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NickiFury · 27/05/2016 13:39

He seems to have an awful lot to say about his ex who is, at least managing to provide a home for their children. Something he himself is NOT doing.

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awhfuck · 27/05/2016 13:39

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princessmi12 · 27/05/2016 13:43

So now I shouldn't have fallen for someone who has kids as I don't have a big enough house for them to stay in? hmm
Yeap some strange opinions on here.OP,please disregard them!

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Lovemusic33 · 27/05/2016 13:43

I don't expect him to be a parent to my children Hmm, he is actually very good with my children but I don't expect anything, they are my children.

Where did I say he's not bothered about being a parent to his own children? He tries, ok he's probably not the best parent but he has regulate contact, supports them financially and speaks to them most days on the phone. He has phoned social services in the past due to her not taking them to school but he has been told there's not much he can do.

Norky, sorry you are going through similar Sad

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HermioneJeanGranger · 27/05/2016 13:47

Did he move away, or did the ex move away?

Nobody is saying it's that easy to move house, but if he was happy to move 100 miles from his kids (and therefore not see them often) he was obviously happy with his ex's parenting abilities, otherwise he wouldn't have let her have his children all week, surely?

I just don't get NRP's who are happy to slag off their ex's/judge their parenting, but at the same time, they're equally happy to leave their children with them for the majority of the time. Either the ex is a suitable parent, in which case he needs to butt out of her life, or she's not, in which case, why isn't he doing more?

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AliceInUnderpants · 27/05/2016 13:51

Where did I say he's not bothered about being a parent to his own children?

You didn't. That much is obvious. He moved somewhere where his children cannot come and stay. Imagine if his ex decided to move somewhere that had no room for the children.

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Lovemusic33 · 27/05/2016 13:54

He moved and then got a new job, he works 40miles from my house which is in the opposite direction to where his kids live, he took the job as he would be working away less and it pays more money so he can support them financially and he is able to see them more ( more than if he was in his old job ).

I think I'm finding it hard to believe what he says about his ex as I have not met her, as I know from my past ( ex husband ) there are 2 sides to every story, I guess this is why I question his behaviour, I wonder if she is lazy because he made her depressed? Did he control her?, people usually behave the way they do for a reason.

With me he is far from controlling but it's early in the relationship, he treats me well, we laugh a lot, we enjoy each other's company and never tells me what I can or can't do, I have been in controlling relationships in the past but I have never had huge trust issues.

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tralaaa · 27/05/2016 13:54

Don't be worried about this my Dp has done this for years, goes in makes a cup of T has a biscuit even when the children left home rather this than falling out and being hostile I think you have a nice man don't spoil things X

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wannabestressfree · 27/05/2016 13:55

I think what people.mean is he can't facilitate them spending time away from their mum.in his home as he/ you Don't have room. Surely it would better - as we are going into half term- that he collected them and spend some proper time with them?
But yes this is the downside of rushing...

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Lovemusic33 · 27/05/2016 13:56

My ex lives in a house where my children can't stay, how many people can afford a 4 bedroom house? It's not a issue for me that my kids can't go and stay with there dad, it's just the way it is.

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Lovemusic33 · 27/05/2016 13:57

He will be spending time with them in half term, he will go and pick them up and take them out, I haven't got a problem with that, when he has spare time he see's them.

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awhfuck · 27/05/2016 13:58

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Lovemusic33 · 27/05/2016 14:01

Thank you Tralaa, can I just ask you one question? Did your ex still come over and make himself a cup of tea when you were in a new relationship? Just asking as obviously I have a new dp and on the rare occasion ex comes over here dp looks a bit put out ( if I ask ex in for coffee ).
Me and my ex get on well, there's no hard feeling between us but I still wouldn't want him snooping around me house.

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Lovemusic33 · 27/05/2016 14:03

You are probably right awhfuck and that's what I'm worried about. I'm worried that how he is with me right now is just a front ( honeymoon period ) and he will end up controlling me, but am I just worried because I have been in controlling relationships before?

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awhfuck · 27/05/2016 14:05

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NickiFury · 27/05/2016 14:05

My kids can't stay with their Dad either but I have zero tolerance for any interference in my home. The thing is my ex tried very hard to keep a death grip on our family even after he was forced out and a lot of what he said and did was very much how you describe your DP being with his ex. I think you're concerned for a reason and you're right to be.

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Lovemusic33 · 27/05/2016 14:06

No, he wasn't seeing me before he split from his ex but they hadn't been split up for long.

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awhfuck · 27/05/2016 14:08

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Lovemusic33 · 27/05/2016 14:11

Thank you Nicki, I think that what my gut is telling me. He has admitted to being controlling with his ex, I told him his behaviour was controlling but to begin with he couldn't see it, he then agreed that it was and promised to back off. I know this will sound stupid but he hasn't been in anyway controlling with me, there have been times when I have said I am going out somewhere and I can see that he's not happy about it but he never says anything other than 'have a great time', I know he has the potential to be controlling but I don't think I would let him get away with it, if he ever told me what I can or can't do he would be out.

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Lovemusic33 · 27/05/2016 14:13

I'm not sure awhfuck, between 8 months and a year, in this time he was sofa surfing including her sofa and working away, he would still take the kids to school most mornings before going to work, now he's living too far from work to do that.

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tabulahrasa · 27/05/2016 14:13

It's really nothing to do with you what he does in his ex's, that's between him and her really, it's got no impact on your relationship...

Except it sounds very much like he's a bit of a dick TBH - I'd not want to be in a relationship with someone who snoops on his ex trying to catch her out watching too much tv Hmm Or someone who makes a lot of noise about his ex being a bad parent without actually taking on more of the parenting himself.

I don't think you're worried because you've been in controlling relationships - if anything I don't think you're worried enough.

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awhfuck · 27/05/2016 14:15

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NickiFury · 27/05/2016 14:16

No he won't be controlling with you because it's still got his ex in his sights and hasn't got used to not controlling her yet. I would be interested to see how your relationship develops once she breaks free of his nonsense.

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