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Relationships

How much involvement does your dp/dh have with their ex (if they have children together )?

58 replies

Lovemusic33 · 27/05/2016 12:03

Ok, I think I am struggling with trust with DP and I am struggling with the whole 'ex and children thing' so I am probably being unreasonable.

DP has been living with me for 6 months, it was a bit rushed and I had only been single 6 months ( separated from Dh ). New DP has 2 children with ex, they live quite far away so every Saturday he goes and visits them, they rarely come here as its too much travelling, in a way I like this as I don't have to be too involved with his dc and I get to spend a day with my 2 dc without him being there.
I don't mind DP going to see his children but a few things make me feel uncomfortable. He goes over to his ex's house, lets. Himself in, will go in and make a drink and get the kids ready so he can take them out. Apparently his ex is lazy and is still in bed so he has to get the children ready. He seems to make him self at home, will rummage through her cupboards ( apparently he's checking that she's feeding the kids properly ) Hmm, some times he seems to spend more time at the house than out with the kids.
I have spoke to him in the past about how I feel about this and he told me he would just go and collect the kids, take them out for the day and then drop them off later but he carried on going into the house, one day he messaged me to tell me he was tidying up as the house was a mess and she was still in bed, I got really angry as I know if my ex came into my house and did this I would be livid. Anyway last week we had another argument about something and it lead back to this again, again he has agreed to just collect the kids and to stop making his self at home in a house he does not live in, I felt much better and then last night he told me he was giving her a lift to the station on Saturday to save her using the bus ( she's going away for the weekend ).

I know I am probably just being silly, I tend to over think everything, I know she's his children's mother and they are always going to have to be around each other but some of the thing he does just seems odd too me.

I am struggling to trust him due to him telling me he's going to do something and then not doing it ( not just with this, there have been other things ), I really want to trust him and I don't want to feel like this about him going to his ex's as I know it's the only way he can really have contact with his children.

Does anyone else struggle with 'contact with the ex' or is it just me being silly?

Other than this things seem to be really good but I feel like I'm letting this get too me so much that it could ruin things Sad.

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babba2014 · 27/05/2016 19:56

Sounds controlling to me, of her. Who checks to see how much TV someone watches? I'm shocked.

And he gets funny with you about your ex yet goes through his ex's stuff. Clear signs of control starting ready. Makes you feel uneasy when he's doing way more than that.

Honestly, you need to take a step back for him to clear your thoughts a bit and maybe he can think about how to have his kids more and get them to school if his ex isn't doing that.

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happypoobum · 27/05/2016 19:39

So until he moved in with you he was pretty much homeless?

I think you should take a step back......

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Twistedheartache · 27/05/2016 19:25

My ex comes to see dd's once every 2 weeks & has a key. He only uses it if I'm out though.
Dd2 was only 4 months old when he walked out to be with OW, so I thought it was better for her to be in a familiar environment with a stranger even a genetically related one.
We are civil & occasionally do things together with the kids but rarely. I usually go out & then catch up on jobs at home when he takes children out.
Tbh I look forward to the children being old enough for me to stay in bed when he's coming. I work ft and am a single parent. The 8hrs he has the children for are almost the only break I get.
He sometimes goes in cupboards/fridge & evens tidies childrens bedrooms with them.
He's got a cheek commenting on her lifestyle but he's probably just telling you what he thinks you want to hear.
Either you trust him or you don't but he doesn't sound like a great catch.
Perhaps a period of being single might have helped you?

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AnyFucker · 27/05/2016 18:38

If you regret moving him in too quickly why is it "too late" to do anything about it ? Confused

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Rebecca2014 · 27/05/2016 18:26

Yep I agree with other posters, you have no true idea if the mother is lazy or not. Your going by his words. If he was that concerned he be fighting to move closer to them but he's not, says everything.

Me and my ex are civil now but with his last girlfriend we weren't, pretty sure he trash talked me to her! Lol.

All this seems very rushed anyway.

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HappyJanuary · 27/05/2016 15:31

What he tells you he does at his ex's and what he actually does may be two very different things.

We have a similar arrangement to your DP in that he comes here to see the DC, lets himself in and spends the day with us. We spend the day as a family for the dc's benefit. We bake, play games, go out sometimes. It's unusual but it works for us.

He tells me he likes doing it, that he still gets a slice of family life.

I've only just heard, via a mutual friend, that his new DP thinks I am either out or in bed when he comes, that he only comes here because he needs to make sure the DC are looked after, and that I am horrible to him when he's here.

I can only assume that he tells her that so she doesn't feel jealous or insecure. I don't know how I feel about him lying about me, but she was ow so I don't really care that he's lying to her. The only thing she knew about him for sure was that he was a liar, and it didn't put her off.

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HermioneJeanGranger · 27/05/2016 14:42

He's using his "concern" for his kids to control his ex.

He's obviously not concerned enough to have his kids stay with him, though. But then, if they stayed with him all the time, he wouldn't be able to control his ex Hmm

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awhfuck · 27/05/2016 14:19

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NickiFury · 27/05/2016 14:16

No he won't be controlling with you because it's still got his ex in his sights and hasn't got used to not controlling her yet. I would be interested to see how your relationship develops once she breaks free of his nonsense.

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awhfuck · 27/05/2016 14:15

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tabulahrasa · 27/05/2016 14:13

It's really nothing to do with you what he does in his ex's, that's between him and her really, it's got no impact on your relationship...

Except it sounds very much like he's a bit of a dick TBH - I'd not want to be in a relationship with someone who snoops on his ex trying to catch her out watching too much tv Hmm Or someone who makes a lot of noise about his ex being a bad parent without actually taking on more of the parenting himself.

I don't think you're worried because you've been in controlling relationships - if anything I don't think you're worried enough.

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Lovemusic33 · 27/05/2016 14:13

I'm not sure awhfuck, between 8 months and a year, in this time he was sofa surfing including her sofa and working away, he would still take the kids to school most mornings before going to work, now he's living too far from work to do that.

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Lovemusic33 · 27/05/2016 14:11

Thank you Nicki, I think that what my gut is telling me. He has admitted to being controlling with his ex, I told him his behaviour was controlling but to begin with he couldn't see it, he then agreed that it was and promised to back off. I know this will sound stupid but he hasn't been in anyway controlling with me, there have been times when I have said I am going out somewhere and I can see that he's not happy about it but he never says anything other than 'have a great time', I know he has the potential to be controlling but I don't think I would let him get away with it, if he ever told me what I can or can't do he would be out.

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awhfuck · 27/05/2016 14:08

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Lovemusic33 · 27/05/2016 14:06

No, he wasn't seeing me before he split from his ex but they hadn't been split up for long.

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NickiFury · 27/05/2016 14:05

My kids can't stay with their Dad either but I have zero tolerance for any interference in my home. The thing is my ex tried very hard to keep a death grip on our family even after he was forced out and a lot of what he said and did was very much how you describe your DP being with his ex. I think you're concerned for a reason and you're right to be.

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awhfuck · 27/05/2016 14:05

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Lovemusic33 · 27/05/2016 14:03

You are probably right awhfuck and that's what I'm worried about. I'm worried that how he is with me right now is just a front ( honeymoon period ) and he will end up controlling me, but am I just worried because I have been in controlling relationships before?

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Lovemusic33 · 27/05/2016 14:01

Thank you Tralaa, can I just ask you one question? Did your ex still come over and make himself a cup of tea when you were in a new relationship? Just asking as obviously I have a new dp and on the rare occasion ex comes over here dp looks a bit put out ( if I ask ex in for coffee ).
Me and my ex get on well, there's no hard feeling between us but I still wouldn't want him snooping around me house.

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awhfuck · 27/05/2016 13:58

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Lovemusic33 · 27/05/2016 13:57

He will be spending time with them in half term, he will go and pick them up and take them out, I haven't got a problem with that, when he has spare time he see's them.

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Lovemusic33 · 27/05/2016 13:56

My ex lives in a house where my children can't stay, how many people can afford a 4 bedroom house? It's not a issue for me that my kids can't go and stay with there dad, it's just the way it is.

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wannabestressfree · 27/05/2016 13:55

I think what people.mean is he can't facilitate them spending time away from their mum.in his home as he/ you Don't have room. Surely it would better - as we are going into half term- that he collected them and spend some proper time with them?
But yes this is the downside of rushing...

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tralaaa · 27/05/2016 13:54

Don't be worried about this my Dp has done this for years, goes in makes a cup of T has a biscuit even when the children left home rather this than falling out and being hostile I think you have a nice man don't spoil things X

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Lovemusic33 · 27/05/2016 13:54

He moved and then got a new job, he works 40miles from my house which is in the opposite direction to where his kids live, he took the job as he would be working away less and it pays more money so he can support them financially and he is able to see them more ( more than if he was in his old job ).

I think I'm finding it hard to believe what he says about his ex as I have not met her, as I know from my past ( ex husband ) there are 2 sides to every story, I guess this is why I question his behaviour, I wonder if she is lazy because he made her depressed? Did he control her?, people usually behave the way they do for a reason.

With me he is far from controlling but it's early in the relationship, he treats me well, we laugh a lot, we enjoy each other's company and never tells me what I can or can't do, I have been in controlling relationships in the past but I have never had huge trust issues.

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