Struggling to know if I am bad or not

[dementiawidow]

I've name changed for this because my posting history is very identifiable and I don't know if my daughters are on here.
Married for 16 years to a great DH who I have loved very much and been loved by. It's been a great relationship, happy, faithful, fulfilling. There is a 20 year age difference between us.
For the several years he's been going steadily downhill healthwise and we now know he has early onset dementia. Well, I know it; he is so far gone he doesn't know it. I have gone from being a friend, companion, lover to being a carer and basically just babysitting a shell of a man. It is completely heartbreaking and I feel really isolated and lonely in my marriage. It doesn't feel like a marriage anymore but I have promised to love and care for this person, who I have loved.
So anyway, I'm trying my hardest to take care of him as best I can. But I've recently met someone with my work who I feel attracted to and who is making me feel like an actual person again.
I wouldn't be unfaithful to my husband as long as he is alive, but I feel really guilty. I can't seem to get a grip on my moral compass at all here. Is it terrible of me to enjoy the companionship of this male friend? I'm not going to lie, if I was single there would be more to it. But am I being disloyal and unfaithful just by having this friendship?
To be clear my DH is not even capable of knowing any of this, most days he hardly knows who I am and often does not recognise me. But I still feel terrible. I want a life and fun and friendship and love, but I can't have it anymore with the man I have loved.
Am I being immoral? If he was still "with it" in his head he would be devastated by this. But he isn't even there anymore. He has left the building. But does that make it any less wrong? I really don't know what to think or how to cope anymore with all this. I am 48 by the way.

Prettybird, I have every sympathy for the OPs situation. That doesn't mean I think in this instance she would be right to do what she is proposing to do. That doesn't equate to judging or lack of sympathy.

OP, be true to the love and affection you and your DH would want for each other. Setting your DC feelings aside, there's really nothing else to consider but the actual real love.

The idea that you need to remain 'true' to wedding vows in a situation like this is bizarre. Do wedding vows have feelings?! No. This is about what you and your DH would want for you (or for him, for that matter).

Lots of people are very heavily invested in the idea that wedding vows must never be breached without total loss of respect for either party, ltb, etc, etc. But that's just one approach. Although, some people can feel very threatened when that is pointed out.

Frankly, if your DH is not going to mind this relationship, it is very odd that strangers do.

Maybe empathy rather than sympathy is the right word.

And I'm not going to judge the OP in this circumstance - having watched my own father go through a very similar situation, with a wife (my mum) who he loved dearly but due to her early onset dementia (the tragic side effect of an accident ) was no longer there even if she was still alive .

It's a living death I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy and I'm just glad my dad found companionship during that dark time.

We were fortunate - unlike some people whose partners suffer from dementia, all mum and dad's friends stayed close. They all visited mum regularly in the home - a testament to the woman she'd been because visiting was always painful as she was such a shell of the vibrant, lovely woman we'd known. Not one of them judged my dad - they knew dad loved my mum but equally welcome the fact that he'd found an old friend to share time with and that they enjoyed each other's company.