Struggling to know if I am bad or not

[dementiawidow]

I've name changed for this because my posting history is very identifiable and I don't know if my daughters are on here.
Married for 16 years to a great DH who I have loved very much and been loved by. It's been a great relationship, happy, faithful, fulfilling. There is a 20 year age difference between us.
For the several years he's been going steadily downhill healthwise and we now know he has early onset dementia. Well, I know it; he is so far gone he doesn't know it. I have gone from being a friend, companion, lover to being a carer and basically just babysitting a shell of a man. It is completely heartbreaking and I feel really isolated and lonely in my marriage. It doesn't feel like a marriage anymore but I have promised to love and care for this person, who I have loved.
So anyway, I'm trying my hardest to take care of him as best I can. But I've recently met someone with my work who I feel attracted to and who is making me feel like an actual person again.
I wouldn't be unfaithful to my husband as long as he is alive, but I feel really guilty. I can't seem to get a grip on my moral compass at all here. Is it terrible of me to enjoy the companionship of this male friend? I'm not going to lie, if I was single there would be more to it. But am I being disloyal and unfaithful just by having this friendship?
To be clear my DH is not even capable of knowing any of this, most days he hardly knows who I am and often does not recognise me. But I still feel terrible. I want a life and fun and friendship and love, but I can't have it anymore with the man I have loved.
Am I being immoral? If he was still "with it" in his head he would be devastated by this. But he isn't even there anymore. He has left the building. But does that make it any less wrong? I really don't know what to think or how to cope anymore with all this. I am 48 by the way.

OP, you go for it.

Your husband is gone, only the shell of his being remains sadly.

You have a life to live so live it and ignore the armchair experts.

Oops missing comma's. My bad!

This breaks my heart, there are 20 years between me and my Dp. One day I will have to care for him while still being young (ish) woman myself. I have nothing but admiration for you. If your husband loved you as much as you love him then he would want you to be happy and if spending time with this man makes these hard times bearable then go for it. I hope everything works out for you

But you're not 'giving your opinion' AF, you're 'saying your piece' and you've been called out on your callous and ill informed 'piece.' I'd like to see less of your piece saying on topics that you clearly know nothing about.

You really don't need to try and be clever on every thread you come across.

My paternal Grandmother developed dementia at a fairly young age (I guess c55) and she was in a secure institution (definitely not something that could be called a home) for the last 15 years of her life.

My Grandfather met and lived with another lady his own age for 10 years before Grandma died. It was accepted by the family (although it was hard) because Grandad was happy.

I would not judge you at all but think there is an added difficult dimension insofar as you are his carer and you still live together.

I've said my piece translates to "I will shut up now"

You keep goading me though, Bat. Why would you do that ? I haven't made any personal attacks on the OP. She asked for opinions, I assume she didn't post simply for everyone to agree that it's ok to pursue an affair with another man.

And using this thread to have another unprovoked dig, Dad ? You don't have a problem with my user name, you have a problem with me. Take it up with HQ and keep it off the boards, you are embarassing yourself.

You aren't a bad person and I think your feelings considering your husband being unwell are natural.

You are missing the love and affection we all desire from a loving relationship.

If you get closer to this man you may not be able to resist temptation despite you saying you will always be faithful. Loads of people say the same but then get lost in the heat of the moment, while they are vulnerable like yourself.

I think you should look also for online support from those in your position with spouses suffering from early dementia. Unless people have been where you are, it's not easy to empathise but I certainly do feel for you.

When you have specific issues like this Joe public are quick to cast aspersions at you without a full understanding. See the link below.

forum.alzheimers.org.uk/forumdisplay.php?69-I-have-a-partner-with-dementia

DW

Dementia is also known as "the long goodbye". Louis Theroux made a programme some years back about people and their families with dementia in Phoenix (the USAs leading city in working with these families). One of those families featured a woman with early onset dementia and how she and her family lived with this day to day. If it is on Youtube I would suggest you view it.

Getting back to your own self what emotional support do you have for your own self outside the home other than this man?. Look at this coldly. What really do you know about him and how does he really feel about you?. He may well only see you as a platonic friend or may want to take advantage of your very real vulnerabilities at this time. Taking that at all further could well end your friendship with him altogether (you are in the same work environment and that could become very difficult) and could leave you feeling so very hurt.

It may be that you need more emotional outlets than this one person (who as a work colleague is completely removed from your own family and friends) because sometimes talking with family and friends does not always quite cut it. Do you use the phone to talk, do you go online and talk with organisations and charities who work directly with families who are similarly affected?. Where is your time away from your DH apart from at work; is he in receipt of any respite care?. You need time and space as well.

It is okay to say to others that you cannot readily manage any more; would you countenance him being in a home in future?. Is this something you have looked into?. Your main priority is to get more support for him if required but particularly now for you. People on a wider level anyway can and do unintentionally forget about the carer.

Everyone has a right to express an opinion on this site. I will defend everyone's right to express that even though I may not always agree with it.

Sweetheart, consigning yourself to being a carer will drain the very life out of you.

If you can't do that, genuinely don't have to.

I saw a guy for a while who divorced his wife because he just couldn't do all the bum wiping, piss slopping anymore. The illness also made her agressive and horrible to their child. Everyone was suffering.

I too think you should leave, live somewhere else and take part in the caring, but do all of it. That's not fair or possible for you to do.

Caring for someone with severe dementia is like loving into a void.

He is not 'ill' - his personality, memory and self has been eroded.

AF - if he were in a vegetative state would you say the same thing? Divorce him and stop visiting - or deny any prospect of affection for however many years it takes his shell to die? I am amazed by your response as it's so Victorian. Duty above reason.

I'm not goading you, I'm just saying my piece and pointing out how very strange your viewpoint is

I would say don't have an affair.

In the absence of abuse there is nothing "Victorian" about honouring your marriage vows. Op says she still loves her husband and he is a good man despite his illness.

A romantic relationship is a "want'" not a "need". Op doesn't need an ego boost from a male colleague that she fancies, she wants one. And like pp have said, I doubt it would make her happy ( she doesn't sound like the sort that could easily compartmentalise). I would also be very suspicious about the idea of this bloke taking advantage of her undoubted vulnerability.

OP I have every sympathy for you. Only you can decide what is right for you.

Personally, if it was me with advanced dementia and a much younger partner I would not want them to be denied a fulfilling life.

However, it could be really difficult for your family to understand and they could be angry and hurt.

I'm really torn here.
My DMum has Alzheimers and it's heart breaking.
She's not too far gone yet. She has good days and bad days.
She's never aggressive or violent though.
If my dad started having an inappropriate relationship with OW I'd be devastated (he wouldn't though, he is the nicest man in the whole wide world)
However, from my point of view, if I had it and my DP had a chance of happiness that I can no longer give him, then I'd want him to go for it.
So this won't help you at all but that is how I feel.

I knew a couple in your situation - in this case wife had early onset dementia. Husband stayed faithful while he was her carer, but the last year I think she was in a home because looking after her at home wasn't feasible anymore.

He did start seeing someone about three months before she died and everyone was very understanding. She'd not been herself for a long time. She didn't even recognise him. What was he meant to do? Live the life of a monk? This isn't Jane Eyre.

I think Anyfucker is being unnecessarily cruel.

Live your life OP. YOUR life.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It matters what YOU think, and feel.

You'll never find your own moral compass if you keep worrying about which way everyone else's is pointing.

My mum has dementia and sadly I know it only gets worse so you could have another fifteen years of caring ahead of you
Which I am sure from all you say you will do with love and compassion but it takes so much and is so lonely and isolating
You are hurting no one if you are discreet and don't tell the family
It is you there day to day and don't let anyone tell you they know what they would do without having walked in your shoes
Your husband sounds lovely but don't give up on life caring is so hard grab some joy where you can find it

My father went through this when my mum developed an "early onset" dementia at 69 as a result of a head injury

They had been the perfect loving couple - for 50 years. They were apparently the "hottest couple on campus" when they got together

But my mum had gone . She might have still been alive, but the type of dementia she'd developed meant that she'd gone

My dad chose to put her in a home. Fortunately, as a family we supported him and didn't judge him.

It's also what I know Mum would've wanted. They'd lived life to the fullest (in fact, her accident was abroad while they were on an activity holiday) and she wouldn't have wanted him to put his life on hold. She'd have done the same in the reverse situation.

He then met an old Uni friend (in fact, the one who'd described Mum and Dad as the "hottest couple on campus") who'd been his best friend's girlfriend at Uni. She was now a widow who had herself experienced tragedy.

Mum was still alive. They got together. I was happy for them. Who are we to judge?

Mum died less than 2 years later (over 4 years ago) .

Dad and his lady friend are still together . They live on different continents so can only spend periods of time together. But I'm glad they're able to make each other happy.

OP: I don't see anything wrong with having coffee and company. Would your dh, when he was still compos mentis, have wanted you to stay on your own? Don't let others judge you.

I would disagree about a romantic relationship being a want than a need. For some people it is a need, it is in our basic biology. Upholding marriage vows is pointless if the person you love is gone. You can still care, support and love the person without being a martyr yourself. Why, at 48, should that part of your life be on hold? Maybe now isn't the time for the relationship but that is a call for OP to make, none of us know if it is right.

Also, I wouldn't necessarily think that this colleague is targeting you due to perceived "vulnerability". That is a very cynical viewpoint to take. You are allowed to look after yourself too.

OP

I think from several responses you can probably tell that not everyone 'gets it'.

The vows of in sickness and health bear some relevance here and don't just apply to a broken leg.

If one understood the needs of people,.then they'd realise that being loved is a need on the hierarchy of us human beings.

I'm not saying to have an affair, but one of the reasons people don't have affairs is because of the hurt to their spouse. Your DH doesn't seem to have the capacity to understand any of that right now, so would he really be getting hurt? I don't know the severity of his dementia.

IF you do end up having a discreet relationship with anyone, please don't let it be a married man because you would then be a part of hurting another woman.

I agree with Camembert - it's a need not a want.

My dad was incredibly lonely after mum developed the dementia (even before she'd gone into the home). Their life had been so entwined - intellectually as well as doing so many fantastic things together. He commented once, sadly, to me, that he hadn't had a proper conversation with mum for such a long time. She'd lost the capacity to think, to play with words, to have opinions about political events, to enjoy music, to interact at anything but the most basic level.

His lady friend meant he was no longer lonely. He has happy times with her. I'm really happy for him.

dementiawidow, you are really, really, really NOT bad. My dad is in a similar situation to you. My mum has early onset dementia. Had it for years not, and has been largely gone for years. My dad is the sole carer most of the time. If he decided to form a romantic attachment to another woman, I think it would be hard for me to accept it emotionally, but I would rather eat my own head than show disapproval. In fact, I would probably encourage it because I care for my dad.

Caring for a somebody with demential is a very hard and very lonely job that can last for over a decade. It can fuck with your mental health to no end. You will be better in yourself and actually be a better carer if you have emotional and perhaps physical support from others, including the life energy you can draw from a romantic attachment.

On the subject of marriage - your marriage is over. Marriage is a contract between two adults who are both of sound mind. Minors and those with severe mental disabilities who cannot understand their own actions cannot enter into marriage. This does not mean that you cannot continue to love your husband and care for him, but he is no longer your "husband" in the full sense of that word.

I am not saying any of this lightly. I love my mother dearly and miss her every day of my life, but despite the very occasional glimpse of something resembling her old self in her eyes and gestures, she is no longer there. It is a pain that lasts for years and years, but those of us who are still here need not just to live with it but actually live.

Also, I wouldn't necessarily think that this colleague is targeting you due to perceived "vulnerability".

That may be so but equally some men play on emotional vulnerability (OP is very vulnerable here and that could be exploited and used against her) and play at being the knight in shining armour.

I think it would help the OP a lot if she were able to access more outside support for her own self and with other than this man. That relationship needs to remain on a professional level for both their sakes.

The unknown also here is how this man actually feels about the OP. If he is also married (which he could well be) and a romantic attachment did develop OP could simply end up in a whole new level of emotional pain.

I am a bit confused. The op asked for opinions and was given them. I am not sure what warrants the repeated personal attacks on any. Some posters just seem to have a fucker size agenda.... this is not the place.
My partner is older than me and we both suffer from poor health (mine is much worse and I am not yet 40) from a personal point of view it's not something I am or would be comfortable with. I Don't know how I would cope if he wandered or entertained it....
I acknowledge due to the nature of the illness they are not really 'there' though and that is desperately sad....and lonely.