Struggling to know if I am bad or not

[dementiawidow]

I've name changed for this because my posting history is very identifiable and I don't know if my daughters are on here.
Married for 16 years to a great DH who I have loved very much and been loved by. It's been a great relationship, happy, faithful, fulfilling. There is a 20 year age difference between us.
For the several years he's been going steadily downhill healthwise and we now know he has early onset dementia. Well, I know it; he is so far gone he doesn't know it. I have gone from being a friend, companion, lover to being a carer and basically just babysitting a shell of a man. It is completely heartbreaking and I feel really isolated and lonely in my marriage. It doesn't feel like a marriage anymore but I have promised to love and care for this person, who I have loved.
So anyway, I'm trying my hardest to take care of him as best I can. But I've recently met someone with my work who I feel attracted to and who is making me feel like an actual person again.
I wouldn't be unfaithful to my husband as long as he is alive, but I feel really guilty. I can't seem to get a grip on my moral compass at all here. Is it terrible of me to enjoy the companionship of this male friend? I'm not going to lie, if I was single there would be more to it. But am I being disloyal and unfaithful just by having this friendship?
To be clear my DH is not even capable of knowing any of this, most days he hardly knows who I am and often does not recognise me. But I still feel terrible. I want a life and fun and friendship and love, but I can't have it anymore with the man I have loved.
Am I being immoral? If he was still "with it" in his head he would be devastated by this. But he isn't even there anymore. He has left the building. But does that make it any less wrong? I really don't know what to think or how to cope anymore with all this. I am 48 by the way.

You talk more than enough to nonsense on here for most people to know. Has your husband got dementia? No? Then stop commenting where you have zero experience.

I've said my piece.

Getting drawn into long running arguments on emotive threads started by name changers, in the light of recent massive holes in active conversations on MN at the moment, is not in anyone's best interests.

I am sorry your husband is ill, op.

I feel for you op as a close relative has the same illness and it's very hard to cope with. You are in a very difficult situation and I think you should take what happiness you can from this friendship.Best wishes to you

Op, you are not being immoral. You are doing your best in seriously difficult circumstances. I think you sound very caring. You have to decide what to do for the best for yourself as well as for your DH.

This thread reminds me of when Jane met Ian Beale.

What an awful situation to be in OP.

You are doing nothing wrong by having a friend. If that friend makes you feel good then so be it.

Only you know yourself and your relationship. Your vows are clearly important to you.

I only have memories of my grandfather with dementia... He told me to go away as I wasn't his granddaughter as he remembered me from a child. It was the most hurtful thing ever. I understand how hurt you just feel that the man that loved you had no idea who you are xx you are probably waiting for those flickers of lights of when he remembers something.

There is no right or wrong answer. But you are not physically able to divorce or leave this man... No judge in the country would divorce you as he can't think for himself.

I do have experience of caring for someone with dementia and I agree with AF. You are having an emotional affair and it is wrong. You can get your support and companionship from people whom you aren't sexually attracted to. Think of your children and your future relationships with them when/if they find out what you are up to. You are not bad. Caring for someone with dementia is total shit. I understand the temptation. But I still think it is wrong. Sorry

Whether this is real or not real (as your last post hinted AF), this is a very common problem and will be an even more common problem as life expectancy increases and is something worth talking about.

People can have no idea of the devastation of dementia. it isn't like caring for someone with cancer or MS or ALS. Devastating and hard as that can be you are still caring for the same person you fell in love with/the same mother who raised you/the father you loved. With dementia you feel as if you are not.

I remember hearing a man talk about his mother. he told the story of how when she was in early stage dementia, before they realised how bad things were, she got into her car in the middle of the night, drove through the back wall of her garage and into the oil tank, missing an explosion by inches. Then he started crying and said "my brothers and I have sometimes admitted that if we knew then what she would have to go through, we might have preferred her to hit the oil tank"

Startlingly unkind posts from Any Fucker and lacking any actual understanding of the devastation that is dementia.

I agree. Until you have lived through it (mum, 7 years) any shrill condemnation of how carers "should act" is just bullshit.

OP, you have my full sympathies. I hope you can find comfort wherever you can. Just don't put all your emotional needs onto this one person because you may find yourself in an even greater problem.

I have no idea if the post is real or not.

My point is that we are being asked our opinion. People getting all exercised about ones they don't agree with like our friendly Bat there need to remember not to expend more energy, nor give out more personal attacks, than they can spare.

I don't know if I'm making sense here ...

You're making perfect sense, InaMay - and if ever there was a thread where the saying "don't judge until you've walked in their shoes" applies, this is probably it

I don't think it's anyone else's place to tell dementiawidow what she should do; when it comes to a decision like this, we all walk those last few steps alone. What I would suggest, though, is that the situation with this friend surely has the potential to cause even more anguish of mind if, as seems likely, their feelings for each other develop

Sometimes there really isn't one single right answer

Well as I said, dementia is something my family know very well. I was primary carer, we were devastated when we lost FIL, and that was well before he died.

Both DH and I feel the same way. All that matters to us is each other's happiness, we couldn't be so selfish to expect the other not to find happiness if we, as a person, isn't there even though the body is still living.

It's something we've talked about at length, and I've also gone so far as to lodge a letter with my will (not that DH knows this) which is to be read in the event of this situation. We've also already prepped power of attorney documents etc to make life easier for each other should the need arise. We lost his mum at 55 years old after 5 months in hospital and by the time DH was 40 he'd lost both parents.

Death and illness so close to us have led us to talk seriously about our prospects as a couple should we be lost, and talk to remaining family to ensure they know our thoughts.

If DH ever was in the situation where he needed to look outside of our marriage and a friend/family member believed they had the right to judge him as AF is being on this thread, I hope I'm wrong about ghosts because when I finally died I'd take great pleasure in haunting them! I'm afraid there will always be people who feel their beliefs should be held be everybody. We are happy not to take them seriously. It reminds me of those who post blaming the victims of abusive relationships for not leaving. They don't understand.

For those who do understand and don't agree, that's fine too. It's not right to impose your beliefs on others on something like this.

Sympathise enormously with your situation op. It's a very personal thing. But if it was me (that doesn't mean any other decision is wrong), I would come to the conclusion that after he's gone I could live for myself. But I think deep down you know that you owe it to the person you loved to wait until he is dead, and then enjoy your life with a clear conscience. So sorry

Late 60s isn't that old, really. My parents are late 60s.

Hard situation to be middle and and caring for a spouse with dementia - no one can deny that. I can see the atraction of a shiny new relationship without that complication.

The thing is, even if your DP is in no state to realise that ou were having an affair. is caring for your DP going to detract from your ability for a properly edifying other relationship (my guess wuld be no, for both of you) and is being in that relationsip going to do anything to help you to live through your role as a carer without resentment? Again, my suspicion would be no.

So, as tempting as an affair sounds, I'm not convinced it owuld actually make you truly happy, in the long run. While the spark now is great, there will be resentment, somewhere, that is too much to bear.

Excellent point SticktheDM.

You can still love and care for your husband but also take care of your needs to. I hate all this black and white crap of what is wrong and what is right. Dementia is a cruel disease, the person you love and know is no longer there. I don't think you are being disloyal, I think you are being human.

Agree. The black and white stuff is so unhelpful. Totally disagree with AF.

OP, you know your DH best - what would he want for 48yp you? I know that I'd be very happy just to know I was getting care and affection from DH. I honestly wouldn't demand his fidelity in that situation. And as for divorcing him - that just seems unnecessary and unpleasant.

Also agree re discrete and sensitive, of course.

I agree with anyfucker-she says it how it is and doesn't mince her words.

Op if you thought you weren't doing wrong you wouldn't have started this thread.

You are married and you made vows richer poorer sickness health etc. unfortunately you have been dealt health, you can't pick and choose them, you stand by them all.

I do have sympathy for you though and I understand you must be lonely but to have anything to do with this man while you are married is wrong. Your taking advantage of his illness in that he doesn't hav any comprehension of the real world.

'Taking advantage of his illness' She's caring for him through dementia! She's not using it as a get-out-of-jail-free. Have some compassion for the care OP is taking.

OP, the pp was right about life being too short. If your DH won't be hurt then you should bring yourself some relief from the hard life of being a career.

this is such a tough one. I think I wouldn't do because I wouldn't want it done to me but I wouldn't know would I.

I've read the replies op and you do deserve happiness.

I think you should go for it, OP. I think it will make you a happier person and that will reflect on the care you give your DH. I normally like and agree with AF's but I couldn't disagree with her more on this one.

I'm so sorry for your situation, OP.

I agree with anyfucker-she says it how it is and doesn't mince her words.

yes she also "said her piece" Such attractive character traits those.

You are married and you made vows richer poorer sickness health etc. unfortunately you have been dealt health, you can't pick and choose them, you stand by them all.

Well no. She could do what many many people do and divorce him. then she is no longer married and can do what she wants. All moral and squeaky clean. meanwhile her poor bastard of a husband is left without a carer. But that is fine because "the marriage vows" have not been violated.

But if the OP wants to mind her demented husband who has no idea who she is and yet contemplate a life for herself while she does so that is wrong?

People have absolutely no idea what they are talking about here - no idea of the pain and misery involved. And seem to be incapable of any iota of nuanced thinking or feeling.

I have no experience of this, but this advice column came to mind

www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2012/01/sick_spouse_is_it_ok_to_take_a_lover_if_your_husband_can_t_meet_your_needs_.html

For my uninformed 2p. I don't think you are ready to date anyone. The fact you feel so guilty suggests you aren't there yet and it would be unfair on any potential new friend.

for you.

I've just got back up out of bed in the middle of the night to read your thoughts. That's how much my mind and life are in turmoil. Thank you to everyone, I really appreciate the kind words of those who have some idea of what this is like for me. AF I can assure you this is completely real. I name changed in this instance to protect myself and others, and I think that is fair enough.
The idea that I would divorce my husband so I could have a conscience-free affair is completely mad. I am trying to look after what is left of someone I love. At the same time, I don't want to become a hollowed-out shell of a woman until one day I am on my own and I find out there is nothing left of me.
I am not seeking anyone's permission to have an affair or not. I am just trying really hard to make sense of my life and my loss and the possibilities of hope and happiness that might be left for me. I am trying to do the right thing and save my sanity as well. Perhaps its black and white for some of you, but for me I feel lost.

Op you are not immoral . If I was in your husband's position I would want my partner to have new relationships.

I have a real life male friend in your position. He is 73. His wife is a little younger and in a care home on account of her dementia.
My friend has formed a close friendship with a woman who visits her husband (who also has dementia ) in the same care home.
He has been ostracised by some of his friends .
I fully support him.

If I became ill would I be OK with my husband developing romantic relationships with other women ? Nope.

Like any brain damage dementia is a death of self, and is very deeply tragic. Depending on severity, more tragic than the death of flesh. If you lost yourself to dementia to the extent you no longer recognised your husband there would not be enough of 'you' left to legitimately care, one way or the other, I should think. But if this is how you feel you should talk to your own husband about it now, while you still can, so he will understand that you would want him to wait until after your body dies before he moves on with his life. Its a conversation my wife and I have had so we both know how the other stands on it. It seems the OP never never got to have that conversation, which I find sad.

Also, off topic, your username is offensive to the extent it would be banned by mods on other boards of this type without hesitation, that should be self evident to anyone. How it survives here I have no idea, possibly its a good story in itself.