DP is so crap with money and it's ruining our relationship

[repeatingpatterns]

Dp and I have been together for 5 years. I love him but his attitude to money is becoming a bigger and bigger problem, and I think we might have reached the tipping point. I am devastated at the thought of splitting but just don't see how I can trust him or build a real future with him.

When we got together I was a single parent in a good job, financially comfortable although certainly not wealthy etc. I rented a flat rather than owned (we're in London!) but have always been good with money, never go overdrawn etc. Dp is the exact opposite - unstable employment, debts etc. When we met he had a big plastic bag full of red letters from debt agencies etc, payday loans and so on. It did give me pause when we first met, but of course love conquered all at that stage, didn't it? I subbed him a fair bit, we rowed when he once took money from my purse without asking, he would visit the casino on a night out and spend £100+ but always seemed to win it back so that was 'ok'. I was uncomfortable about it all but I thought if he understood how I felt about gambling etc, or not really paying his way, things would change.

He wanted to retrain for a more secure career so I paid for his course, and subbed him now and then for living expenses (he didn't live with ds and I at the time). When he finished he got a fulltime professional job, we moved to a slightly bigger place so the three of us (me, ds, Dp) could have a 'proper' life together. It was more expensive but we did the sums together before we moved and on paper it looked like no problem. Dp actually wanted to move somewhere more expensive but I was wary of the strain that might put on us.

I knew that he wouldn't be able to match me for contributions to rent etc but we finally (after some angst and rows) came to an agreement that I thought was working. However, last month he's not paid anything towards the bills or rent. I have spent over £1600 covering household expenses etc. I asked him about it at the weekend and it ended up in a huge row. He told me that I was 'impossible' and tried to blame me for his lack of money, eg: we went on a weekend away a few weeks ago because I'd just had a miscarriage and he thought it would be nice for us. It was, but I told him before he booked it that he should spend the money on paying off debts etc.

However, what has transpired over the last couple of days is that he has been a) taking money out of our joint savings account, which we had earmarked for household necessities (that he insisted on!) and b) this afternoon I found out he has spent almost £300 pounds on online betting between Jan-March this year. He has packages arriving from Amazon etc every other day, comes home with a bottle of wine or beers pretty much every night. He said that's ok because he puts them on his credit card. He's only been allowed to have a credit card for the last year due to his previous debts.

He simply cannot make sensible decisions regarding money. Before I found out about the online betting, I told him that changes needed to be made and if I found out he'd kept anything else from me that would be it for us. He knew then about the betting, but didn't tell me. I feel as if I can't trust him anymore. I don't want to split, I do love him, but financial security is important to me (rightly or wrongly) and I don't know if I can live with a man who lies to me about something he knows is so important.

I feel like I've been taken for a mug. I feel as if he just expects me to fill in all the financial gaps, and he doesn't have to bother doing the grown up stuff like paying bills or keeping the roof over our head.

Part of me has just had enough. But would I be stupid to end a relationship over this? He is a good good man in many other ways and is great with ds, who will be really unhappy if we split. I don't know whether I'm a mug or a grabby cow.

Oh, I think that's me done with relationships after this one, LovesPeace. Am too old for this shit (glad it worked out in the end for you though!)

I agree with a pp - if you want a relationship with him, you can, but it needs to be a very different one. He moves out, you disentangle your finances, he visits you as an occasional boyfriend. He will get into horrible financial messes, but you must not bail him out. You'll be distressed and wonder how you can love someone and see them suffer, but as soon as you step in, you are enabling his behaviour.

If he's a decent guy at heart, he should be okay with this and should be willing to be with you on the understanding that you're not going to subsidise him. If he's not happy with an arrangement - well, then you've found out something important.

Haven't read all replies but honestly OP, what a bloody cheek he has got - and yes Cocklodger springs to mind, why are you spending your money on him and not your child, give him jack shit!

If you want to carry on seeing him tell him to come back to you when he's set up a debt management plan and can prove to you that he's paying it back - his name must be mud by now.

Other than that, if you carry on, he will carry on bleeding you dry, astounded that another human can take advantage like this - he's an absolute cad and no catch whatsoever.

He can change if he wants to, sounds like he has no interest in it at all, he probably owes money to everyone, no moral compass, no conscience - does that not worry you what comes next?

How are you op?

I'm Just delurking to echo what others have said. I met and married someone like this. It was so bloody tiring.

I would frantically eBay stuff then he'd treat himself to some useless piece of crap. I earn more than him and I hated his attitude towards the end. The whining and his perceived unfairness in life. Eugh. I had such little respect for him.

I've watched him go on and make similar mistakes in other relationships. Well actually the other women do. He's living with someone who has more ambition and works harder than him but he's sucking the joy out of everything.

It made me into a person I didn't like. I hated the idea I should police his spending. It was no help with online shopping. There's always a way to spend money on credit.

He left me with a lot of debt and then limply made a token effort to pay for some of it, but he soon tired of it and felt he shouldn't have to as I earn more than him so I could afford it

Just cut and run op. It's a miserable existence.

He's still here, I've not chucked him out. I know many of you will think I am mad and you may well be right. I need some time to process what this all really means. I suppose I'm not quite ready to make that big decision yet. I may be in a while.

We have closed the joint account. He has cut up his credit cards, stopped his pointless and indulgent direct debits, set up a standing order straight to my account. He has also said he will contact the online betting place and ask them to put a stop on his account. He is going to contact stepchange about the debts.

I've given some timescales by which certain financial issues have to be resolved, they're completely realistic and reasonable if he wants to meet them. If he doesn't, well...

I know you will be rolling your eyes. I get it, I really do. He has behaved appallingly and it has had a serious impact on us. We've barely spoken since the weekend; I just don't really have anything to say atm that isn't angry, and I am exhausted with being angry. I've learned things about him that I didn't know and I need some time and space to work out whether I can deal with them or whether it's too much to live with. I've told him he's gaslighted me. He's admitted he's a coward.

I've told him I can't be his mum or his counsellor, he has to do this work himself. I don't know if any of this will be enough but I want to be able to say I gave him every chance to man the fuck up and face his responsibilities.

Thanks for your support, it has been really valuable. I know I may well be back.

I think youve been fair. It's difficult to leave a relationship so you've made your stance clear.

He now needs to show he can make changes.

One thing - from a. Former spender. He cut up his credit CARD. Singular. Make sure he doesn't have more. I told Dh I had one. When in reality I had 3. delete the account details to his Amazon account.

No...it says credit cards, plural. I've seen his bank statements, I know how many he has.

Good point about Amazon though.

DH has a tendency to be like this tbh, where I, like you, am a hoarder.

It is definitely down to upbringing for both of us. Money was fairly tight in my house and every treat was carefully budgeted. DH's family were more comfortable but a key factor is also the early death of his Dad, giving a 'no point in saving' attitude.

DH has improved a little & I've given a bit too, I am more frivolous and less of a hoarder than I used to be as I was probably hoarding more than I needed to.

The main reason it's become less of a problem though, if I am honest, is both having increased our salaries significantly so there's plenty of £s to go round. I still worry about retirement when the budgets will have to be tighter again but try not to.

Good luck.

Oh love big hugs.

I was in your situation about 8 years ago. Me and dd on our own. Had a tight budget but managed. Met dp. Loved the bones of him. He earns good money (builder) but it can be a bit up and down.

Up times he spends. Down times he still spends and is incapable of budgeting in the good times. He also gambles when stressed.

After 2 years and now living together with shared financial commitments I had to tell him if he couldn't stop gambling/frittering money then I would end the relationship. He admitted he had a problem and gave me his bank card.

I now manage all the accounts including our business account. We have had a few blips along the way. And I hate being the bad guy that says no. But it was that or end things.

We still have the odd row about money. And I really wish I could truSt him not to overspend or gamble but I know I can't. But I do love him and the life we have so for me it is a compromise I am willing to make. And he is willing to admit his problems and allow me to be in control financially.

Could you sit him down and give him the same option? Either you dor the financial stuff and have full control or he goes.

So my mil died 3 years ago.
Fil had run them into the ground financially over and over and over again.
She chose to stay with him.
They had bailiffs round taking dhs toys/bikes etc, he remembers each one (there were several) vividly.

She had piles of coins, literally scraped together to pay visiting debt collectors.
The house was almost in ruins, broken and worn out furniture, no new clothing or school uniforms, they had nothing.

She had a fucking shit, miserable life, and then died.

Waste of an entire life cleaning up after one solitary prick.

Leave, take control and leave.

He will toe the line for a while. He will be miserable and, ultimately,resentful that you have 'made' him become something that he isn't. He won't actually become a responsible adult but will act the part for a while.

Then he will creep back into his old ways because that is who he really is.

Sadly you are mis matched. I do wish you luck but cannot help but think you are prolonging an inevitable situation.

Ask yourself this: if you were sick and couldn't work would he pull out all the stops, take extra jobs and see that the bills were paid? Or would he try to get more credit, ask for loans and yet again use money he doesn't have?

Good luck. I hope it works out for you.

Ah, yes, I see about your tendency to rescue. It might help if you could explore that a bit.

As it stands, sorry to say this out loud, but it looks as if you might be paying for his company. Then you are letting him do the fun spending while you pay the bills. And sub him.

I would encourage you to explore why this is something that, at some level, you want to do. All the best.

God what an arse.

He saw you coming though.

He knew you'd sub him as you always did.

frouby, the thing is that I don't want to have to take control of all the financial stuff. It would feel like totally letting him off the hook - 'oh, mummy will sort it'. I don't mean to be dismissive of your situation, because I know it can work for some couples but I don't want that for myself. I have enough to do (as I'm sure you tbh!)

I need him to be able to either step up himself, or not. I want to be in a relationship with a man who understands why ths important, and is willing to play his part properly. It's entirely possible that Dp is not this man, I realise that, honestly. But I've laid my cards fully on the table, probably for the first time really, and I need to see what happens.

matilda, it would be loans etc. I know that

I want to be able to say I gave him every chance to man the fuck up and face his responsibilities.

Unfortunately, by allowing him to stay you are doing the opposite. Yes, he will have to make a show of changing his ways but he's going through no real hardship. He's taking no real responsibility.

Lots of ways to spend on a credit card without having the physical card. Paypal, for example. I'd want evidence of him closing the accounts, not just cutting up the cards. What about the alcohol and his attitude that your ds is an expense you should be funding out of your discretionary expenditure, whilst he has equal dosh as fun money? Does he ever intend to pay you back for the course you funded? Seems like it's family money when it's going to benefit him but separate finances when it comes to your ds.

Sorry you're going through this.

Actually I think you've done a rational thing by setting boundaries and not just jacking it all in.

You've given him the chance to change, and assuming you follow through with your consequences if he doesn't. I don't see why that's a bad course of action.

People always say men like this never change. But neither will you. You can't change him, you can change you. But you have to want to, rather than giving cocklodgers like this chance after chance. They know how to work mugs like a key in a lock. He saw you coming.

I used to have a 46 year old boyfriend like this. Life and soul type, do anything for anyone type. Deeply in debt for many years, drifting from one manual job to another. No ambition. Thought nothing of gaving a £70 bar bill but couldnt afford a birghday present for me. Used to take money from his children and parents but would spkash the cash 'for the lads' to save face. Had a wardrobe full of unopened bills and had defaulted on the mortgage and credit cards and car loan. Just wouldnt do anything about it and thought 'a bit of extra overtime' would sort out years of gambling debts.

I ended things and suggrst you do too. Sorry - I kniw it's harsh but you deserve more.

I know what you are saying repeating. When I sat him down I wanted him to say he would change not make me the one responsible for everything. But DP didn't want to carry on gambling and frittering away money and couldn't stop himself.

Am not trying to make excuses for him but a lot of it goes back to his childhood. His dad is a gambler too. Dps mum worked ft and paid the bills with her wages. When her money had gone they didn't eat.

Dp was desperate not to be like that. So has always worked his bollocking off to avoid the poverty. But when he had money he wanted to spend it. And when he didn't have money he wanted to win it back. He does have issues and freely admits them.

I grew up in a similar household and saw my mum never have anything so was determined not to end up like that. Hence the shape up or fuck off chat.

It suits us as I have to be in control. I have to know we have emergency money and I have to know we won't starve.

But it is a hassle and I would prefer him to be more responsible. But we work well together. It's been 10 years now and we also have ds. Dps wages allow me to be a mainly sam. He has raised and supported dd as his own and there is nothing we can't have. If I say we can afford it.