Dying in the inside....

[LonelySoutherner]

Dp and I have been together for 3 years, after a whirlwind relationship he finally proposed. Dp the most sweetest person I have been with, compared to my past emotionally and physically abusive relationship.

He has helped me recover from this during this time I was a wreck didn't have much going for me. He has helped me with making my career choices and has been my rock ever since, we rarely argue.

Couple weeks ago on a night out with my friends we had an argument that escalated pretty badly he wanted us to go home but my friends wanted to stay out for a while longer. I got drunk and ended up sleeping with someone, I haven't told my dp this yet and the guilt is tearing me apart he has been questioning me lately where I was that night I told him I was at my friends.

Sorry if this post is long, idk what to do anymore I'm scared that I have messed things up for myself.

He has said in the past if I ever cheated it would be the end, no second chances he wouldn't stick around.

You made a choice OP we all have choices and you took it. You'll have to deal with it now. But I think it's better that you admitted it, get some help, move on and learn a lesson from it all. Life is not over, you made a mistake but you must learn from it and move on. You are human we make mistakes. Best of luck

I've got a good feeling for you OP. I think you'll learn from this, get some counselling and come out of it stronger, happier and healthier.

Good luck (to you both)

You need to tell him.

Only then you can be honest together.

If it's a deal-breaker for him, so be it. He has that right too.

You need to go deep into your own psyche why you made this choice. Maybe you are self sabotaging.... (and there's a reason for that too).

don't waste good money on a crap therapist, all the answers are inside you

Iflyaway some people find going to a therapist a good way to explore their own feelings. We can't all sort it out in our own head without help. Going to a therapist is nothing to be ashamed of. It's a healthy way to work out what you want

I flyaway maybe you should re read the thread .,,.

I'm very sorry
However this misery is entirely self inflicted. And you need to accept and understand this inorder to move on. No body will love you if you cant love yourself and you cant blame your past for sleeping with someone else after a minor argument with your now ex.

Remember you can be happy bit its entirely up to you to make it happen

I think counselling is bs, but I have no choice now ex was like my therapist. I feel really terrible knowing the fact that his family won't be supporting him, friends are there to a certain extent but family will be family so I thought. He has told people, they are all being spiteful to me, I think I deserve it. I'm scared to even move on, I found it hard to trust other men since I felt like a doormat in every relationship. I'm not a selfish individual I have never felt such love or warmth like this before in my life, I find it hard to make new friends hence why I am still in touch with my old friends that ex hated, I find it really awkward to establish some sort of a connection with strangers. He would never let me go out but this once in a blue moon. But I hope he meets someone that would treat him the way he should be treated. I wanted to ask him for a second chance but upon reading the comments here I decided not to. I just wanted a happy marriage and a family with my soul mate, growing up I had a nasty childhood. I am truly remorseful of my action.

If you go in to counselling thinking it's just BS then it won't help - you'd simply be setting yourself up to fail.

But - if you find the right counsellor it can make a huge difference. So, if you don't feel you're going to make headway with the first, ask if maybe you can see someone else.

Don't understand the self pity. You ruined it and should take responsibility for that.

Good luck OP well done for doing the right thing. I hope you move on from this stronger.

I guess happiness is just a figment of ones imagination

According to your account, you had 3 years of blissful happiness with your now ex-dp. Was that a 'figment' of your imagination? If not, some would say that's not a bad innings in the quest to find lasting happiness which, in itself, can only come from within rather than being a quality that is bestowed on us by another person.

You've done the honourable thing by falling on your sword, OP, and in that act alone you have nothing to reproach yourself for. However, if your ex verbally lashed out at you in a manner that "reminded" you of your previous/former ex it could be he's not quite as saintly as you've portrayed him to be and, as it would seem he's been "unhappy for some time" but was too cowardly "couldn't tell you this", you did well by not asking for another chance as a refusal would have inevitably made you feel infinitely worse about yourself in the longer term.

If, as I'm beginning to suspect, the man you've idolised has clay feet, it may be that the "love or warmth" you hadn't felt before was little more than control masked by what appeared to you to be kindness and concern for your welfare. I'm curious to know more about how you came to stay out on the fateful night when "he would never let me go out but this once in a blue moon". Who initiated the argument that led to him going home without you?

Some use others as a means to an end and, if he had issues with his family prior to meeting you, it could be that he used you to say his long overdue goodbyes to them and ingratiated himself with your family in order to exert greater control over the exceedingly grateful and increasingly reliant you.

You've said his friends became your friends and, if you were only able to go out "once in a blue moon", you would have had little opportunity to make new ones. If that's the case, it's unsurprising that you've kept in touch with your old, some would say undesirable, pals.

Am I being fanciful? If his friends are being 'spiteful' to you (using what means?) within such a short time of you having confessed all, he's been remarkably quick off the mark in spreading the word and, to my mind, that is very far from being the mark of a gentleman.

It seems to me your problems stem from an unhappy childhood with an overbearing father which has led you from one abusive man to another, and I'm yet to be convinced that this last relationship was the idyllic meeting of minds you appear to believe it was.

With regard to your df's decree that you must be cast out leave his roof by the end of the month, by my reckoning you've got 3 days to find alternative accomodation. Do you have sufficient funds to achieve this or do you have another relative, a friend who's not into drugs, or a colleague who can offer you a temporary home until you can find something more permanent?

You only told him yesterday - how have his friends even had a chance to be spiteful to you yet?

You shouldn't have cheated - but I'm with goddess that I bet you slipped from one bad man to another.

Yes to counselling but especially I'd say just STAY SINGLE until you've understood why you put up with shit like him dictating when you get to go out. Do the Freedom Programme.

You need to find happiness within yourself, not through a boyfriend.

I agree with PPS you need to come clean to your DP .my only concern is how much information you give him I'd suggest not to tell him who you slept with because if DP knows that guy it will be really difficult for him and less chances for him to accept it for a mistake it is and forgive you. I might be wrong though!Pps what your opinion on this matter ?should she tell him detailed story?

If it was such a 'healthy' relationship why did he not let you out?

Oh sorry I missed previous page and latest development!:(
OP it's not the end though as yet
Give him time apart,let him process information .He has full right to be angry.
All you can do is grovel later on once he decided he'll ready to talk if ever.

I'm still astounded that an argument about staying out led to sex with another man

I'm really not sure how that comes about, and far from being an accident, I imagine it was a little bit about spite and impulsivity after an entirely normal request that a boyfriend would ask his girlfriend who has had trouble with alcohol.

You did the right thing in telling him, so kudos there. I can't help but feel it's all about you though - how it's affecting you, the consequences for you, what you'll do next etc etc. Tbh, if that is your regular mindset and your posts reflect your pattern of thinking, it's no wonder you've cheated on your DP - being so focused on yourself prevents you from really feeling for those around you, hence why in a drunk enough state, you were able to cheat. I think that's why people are suggesting you are self pitying and selfish - and I have to agree.

Selfishness doesn't just mean putting yourself above others literally, it means prioritising your pattern of thoughts, needs and feelings in front of those around you - leading to cheating, self pity (when realistically, you did wrong irrespective of your past) and blaming past events and actions as if they condone your behaviour. The world doesn't revolve around you and your past OP - you need to take ownership over your experiences, as painful as they may have been. You can't use them as excuses anymore than you can say cheating on your DP was an accident - you need to be responsible for the actions you have made. Confessing to your DP is a huge step for you considering the precarious position you've put you both in. Now work towards dealing with and owning the past (and not rewriting it).

Good luck

Unfortunately, many of us do things in life that happened so quickly, without thinking, that we desperately wish we could rewind time for and do differently. We can't though, all we can do, at best, is accept that harm has been done and learn from it so it doesn't happen again.

What surprises me is that not once in your posts you have actually shared what led you to this outcome. All you said was that it was an accident. It wasn't an accident, you made decisions, albeit massively wrong ones, that took you where you ended. You are fully responsible for what happened and although it is a natural self-preservation reflex to try to shift responsibility, you are not going to learn -at high cost- from it unless you accept that it happened because of the wrong choices you've made.

I have to say that I totally struggle to understand how you get to this. There are so many step between being somewhere with friends to being in bed with a stranger (or just about) and I can't understand how there would be no voice inside telling 'don't go to the next step or you will regret it' at least at some of these steps.

I understand your partner's position and if I were him, however much I love my OH, I would have to leave them too because I could never trust him again. If I can't understand how it could happen if the first place, how could I be confident that it wouldn't again.

I do feel for you though because some mistakes are very costly and painful and it's just not nice for anyone to go through it. I hope you can move on in the near future and make sure that whatever triggered your mistake is under control in the future.

Friends have invited me to go on holiday with them, ex will be there and OW who seems to be getting close with him.

The argument started over this woman, he has been talking about her nonstop since she moved to his department at work. On the day we went out, one of his friend said "you got engaged to the wrong lass" to which he replied "maybe you're right" this hurt so much and I went ballistic upon hearing this. They are both from the same race, culture and religion.

I went to get my things from exs flat I tried to talk to him, I reached out to grab his hand and he pushed me against the wall, shouting at me saying I ruined his life. I was really frightened, I haven't told my friends this and I don't want to go on holiday if he's going to be there and OW who I loathe. She has made snide comments when me and ex were in a relationship.

WWYD? Should I cancel or go along.

Why would you even consider going?

Why on earth would your friend invite you, knowing your ex would be there?

And I just wanted to say something that I noticed AF said above. You cannot accidentally sleep with someone. You can trip over something, but you cannot accidentally land on someone's penis. It's impossible.

I think you've had a narrow escape with this man, tbh. Let him get on with his life but have a really good think about things before you get involved with anyone else.

We all make mistakes. We can either own up, learn from them and do the right thing or continue to be dishonest. He needs to know. It isn't fair on him. It is a scary prospect to lose the one you love but you must take responsibility for that. Do you often sabotage things in your life? Sounds like this is what is was. Not everyone has an argument, gets drunk and cheats. I have been drunk and argued with my other half but I wouldn't end up in bed with someone else. You seem to have a lot of drama in your life, as well as previously. Yes, your ex sounds like a complete cock but you cannot blame your treatment by him for the decision you made to cheat.

You do need to talk through your issues with a counsellor. They can help. At the moment you are focused on all the consequences and how the affect you. Maybe, just maybe if you come clean your bf will be willing to work it out. But you can never have a honest loving relationship based on you upholding this deceit.

How about forgetting about men for a while and sorting yourself out? I'm sure once you are personally Jan. Better place relationships will run a lot more smoothly

Don't go on holiday. Don't put yourself in his presence again. He's angry at you and you're probably antagonising a reaction out of him as some sort of self punishment/pity thing.

You cheated. You've split up. Leave him to his friends and walk away from his group.

Well done for coming clean OP. I am not going to spout any vitriol. We all make mistakes. Thank goodness you gave him the choice to make - on whether to stay or walk away

Cancel the holiday. You both need to move on. Allow him to do this without your presence

And then learn from this mistake, see a counsellor and never put yourself in this situation again. Cheating rarely ends well and hopefully you've learnt this lesson

Right, so when you described him in your OP as "sweet" this was after he physically assaulted you when you accused him on pretty reasonable suspicion of interest in someone else?

Your definition of sweet is totally fucked up, love.

Nothing justifies the cheating, and I'm not excusing it - but I can start to see why you were in a state, emotionally, and less likely to make good judgements.

I know you said you think counselling is BS, but seriously - you need someone to help you work out why you're even asking the question about going away with your ex, and the new woman he is with.

I can't say this clearly enough: you ex is an arsehole.