Dying in the inside....

[LonelySoutherner]

Dp and I have been together for 3 years, after a whirlwind relationship he finally proposed. Dp the most sweetest person I have been with, compared to my past emotionally and physically abusive relationship.

He has helped me recover from this during this time I was a wreck didn't have much going for me. He has helped me with making my career choices and has been my rock ever since, we rarely argue.

Couple weeks ago on a night out with my friends we had an argument that escalated pretty badly he wanted us to go home but my friends wanted to stay out for a while longer. I got drunk and ended up sleeping with someone, I haven't told my dp this yet and the guilt is tearing me apart he has been questioning me lately where I was that night I told him I was at my friends.

Sorry if this post is long, idk what to do anymore I'm scared that I have messed things up for myself.

He has said in the past if I ever cheated it would be the end, no second chances he wouldn't stick around.

How to do you tell someone that you love so dearly that you cheated

You open your mouth and start speaking and, given that the other man may indeed tell your dp as "he's part of that friends circle", I would suggest you do it sooner rather than later as he may well bump into the man in question before Friday.

However you look at it, you have behaved in an extremely shabby manner to a man whose only fault would seem to be that he cut himself off from his family in order that he could bring you closer to yours, and I find it hard to believe that you've seen him cry tonight without offering one word of comfort to him, let alone explanation for why you have been so off with him.

So all your friends know you shagged this bloke? There is little or no chance it wont come out . you dont like the idea of some else having him yet I'm sure he's delighted at the thought of another man being balls deep in your bits. There is nothing to salvage here except some dignity.

BieneBiene, I might just come clean I don't think I can do that to him, you are all right, he does deserve the truth but how can I just tell him what I've done after all he has done for me. He has no ties with his own family, they all despise him and yet mine love him to bits. My mother has rung asking what happened I told her we just need some space, I am certain my parents will hate my guts. At least he'll have his friends there to help him to get back on his two feet, I won't have anyone. My current friends circle I met through him, if anything was to happen to him they'd all cut ties with me. I guess my ex was right maybe I don't deserve happiness.

No one else knows, just the other man. I came here for advice and yet I'm being attacked. Yes I know I screwed things up, I am mortified with what I have done. I hate myself, seeing him cry tore my heart in two I pleaded him not to leave, but he said unless I tell him what's going on we have to spend some time apart.

He's probably guessed.

Thing is OP it's ruining your relationship not telling him because guilt is eating you alive and he doesn't know wtf is wrong so you may well lose him either way. At least telling him will end this awful limbo you're both in, he will be able to stop driving himself mad wondering what's wrong and make an informed decision as to whether he can forgive you and you will be able to make some kind of peace with yourself because at least you did the right thing and told him the truth. There doesn't appear to be much of a way forward for you both if you don't tell him, you obviously can't control the way your guilt is making you behave and it's obviously upsetting him so I don't see what else you can do but tell him the truth.

He us giving you the chance to come clean.

Cheating is so shit. I say that as someone who has unfortunately done it (more than once) when I was younger.

The most you can do is tell him. It will hurt a lot more in the future coming from one of his/your friends after thinking this are okay. If you tell him then he can decide how he feels about it.

If he cuts all contacts and you get some shit from your family then really all you can do is take it. It is shit but then so is sleeping with someone because of an argument on a night out. Your family won't hate you or disown you hopefully. They would just be disappointed.

There is always the, admittedly slim, chance that you guys can work through it but there is no chance at all without everyone knowing the full facts.

Everyone deserves to be happy. But some people never give themselves the chance to be.

You need to do some soul sesrching.

BieneBiene, thank you for the advice I will come clean. Just can't imagine life without him, can't hold the tears back right now. Thank you all for the advices.

You sound like a self pitying addict who loves the drama. You clearly don't care about your dp only how to avoid the consequences of your selfishness. In my time I've been a terrible drunk but it never ever made me cheat. Take responsibility it was you not the drink.
Even now your poor dp is sad because of you and you haven't told him yet.
What a mess.

And you know you're not going to tell him.

You all seem to act high and mighty like you never made a mistake in your life, I've been treated like shit for 5 years, I thought maybe it was the norm to be physically abusive towards someone you love/ emotionally abusive. Until dp came into my life and showed me what love and healthy relationship is likem. I know what I've done is appalling, I hate myself for it, I've been cheated on numerous times so I can fathom what I did is disgusting. I have no one irl to help me out, once this gets out everyone will hate me. Dp is popular amongst his circle everyone will start to hate me.I know he'll get taken soon, the chances of us getting back together will be slim. Everyone says how lucky I am to have him, I can't even find a flaw which I can address. I wish the tears would stop.

It's all about you isn't it? All of your posts are so very selfish, it's quite impressive! You don't seem fussed about how your partner feels, just worried about yourself :/

I don't quite see it the way others seem to be seeing it here. I'm not quite sure why the venom.

The way I see it you are a very vulnerable soul. You need your op - his kindness, his support - which is why your posts are predominantly about yourself. It could be argued he has made himself indispensable in your life... but perhaps that's another issue for another time.

You made a mistake - or an accident - and you bitterly regret it. You are terrified you are going to lose this good man - after so many bad men - because you fucked up. We all fuck up - sometimes badly, oftentimes not so bad. This is a badly fuck-up.

So. He knows something is up and you're going to have to tell him. I hope it works out for you both and you can find a way through.

You can't start marriage with a lie like this and the fact that the OM is part of your circle of friends is even more reason to fess up.

It's not some random bloke you met who doesn't know you both.

You were drunk, but he told you cheating was a dealbreaker. I suggest you stop drinking for good if you loose control to this extent.

Give him his ring back and end it.

Just tell him, get it over and done with, don't make excuses, don't get defensive and try to lay some of the blame on him and don't guilt trip him by saying you will go back to your old ways if he leaves.

You are already hurting him, if you love and respect him as you claim to don't make your betrayal of him even worse by lying to him.

I guess my ex was right maybe I don't deserve happiness

It's not a matter of whether your ex was right. The issue is whether you believe that you are deserving of happiness.

Despite probably the most honourable guy that's ever come your way having told you that he has zero tolerance for cheating you shagged another man and, for good measure, you chose one who's known to him thus ensuring that, if you don't have the courage to tell him, he'll find out sooner or later that you've done the one thing that' would appear to be guaranteed to drive him away from you.

Maybe you don't feel deserving of your dp; perhaps you find it hard to live up to his self-effacing niceness. Maybe you're envious of his all-round good guy persona and don't believe that you can be as likeable or as lovable as he is.

Perhaps you sought to prove to yourself that you're as worthless as your ex said you were, or maybe you sought to put your dp's word to the test by creating a 'will he won't or won't he leave me when he finds out I shagged one of his pals'? scenario.

Only you know what motivated you to behave so despicably to a man who's shown you nothing but kindness and who you profess to love, but you'll come to despise him if you're able to persuade him to stay with you in the aftermath of his discovery, and you'll despise yourself even more than you already do if he walks away from you.

Why have you sabotaged your chance of a happy marriage to a decent man, OP, and, after all the good things you say he's done for you, why have you left him in torment for the past couple of weeks?

I typed and deleted 3 replies to this post earlier on because I couldn't articulate what I wanted to say but goddess has nailed it. I don't think you believe you deserve to be happy OP and, however this mess pans out, you need to get to the bottom of why that is and fix it or you will keep, maybe subconsciously, sabotaging your own happiness and hurting others along the way.

This will always be hanging over you and will definitely kill your relationship. If you tell him, there's a chance he might forgive you. You have to tell him if you love him as much as you say you do.

It's over I came clean about everything, he doesn't want to see me anymore or anything to do with my family. I guess reality has truly struck, he's kicked me out of his flat, so I'm at my parents, they want me out by the end of the month since I'm such a failure DF hates me.... DM had been supporting but DF has and always have his way.

I feel he proposed to me out of sympathy, due to something that happened to us last year it's rather personal and I won't discuss this any further not on here that is.

Thank you everyone for the advice I truly am grateful. The tears won't stop and I may consider counselling it turns out he wasn't happy for a while but he couldn't tell me this. What he said last night just reminded me of my ex, I guess happiness is just a figment of ones imagination.

Poor bloke , been there got the t shirt hope he gets over it and finds true happiness 😕

Harsh lesson OP but you you need to put the brakes on the self pity. You messed up spectacularly and your priority should be to finding out why you did what you did. Counselling is definitely the way forward.
Good luck.