Stepson

[LunaMortis]

I am really struggling to bond with my stepson. My husband and I have just had a baby and i thought it would be easier. I resent that he lives with us all the time and i seem to be the only one that doesn't think he's so bloody wonderful. His mother moved away and only sees him at school holidays, she never comes to his after school events, never does his homework with him, i've been to more Christmas plays and parents evenings. We also live with my inlaws whilst our cottage is under renovation and my husbands mother likes to spoil him - says she doesn't but....yeah. So compared to his mother who showers him with gifts and his granny who gives him treats and lets him take over the telly or her ipad or cuddles in bed in the morning when we're trying to teach him to respect that other people like to have a lie in and to respect other peoples things, i'm the evil stepmother. So i resent him and i'm struggling. I just don't want anything to do with him to be honest, it hurts my feelings when he'd prefer to be around anyone else but me. I don't know what to do, the stress is making me poorly and i'm not fully enjoying the time to bond with my own Son

You're post is deeply disturbing and your jealousy is apparant. Imagine if in years to come your own son had a stepmother who resented him and resented him having love from his own grandmother. Your stepson clearly knows how you feel about him and is giving you the space you want anyway. He sounds like a reasonably well behaved young boy, so you are actually lucky as he could be playing you up considering he could well have been jealous of his new brother and stepmother and felt left out, but he seems fine probably as his grandma and dad are giving him extra love.

You need to really get a grip and make sure you don't let your feelings be known to your poor innocent stepson or else he will end up completely unhappy and he has had enough rejection in his life from his real mother.

You could have a lovely relationship with your stepson if you could only get over your jealousy and resentment. After all you already knew he came as a package, so just because you have your own child that doesn't mean that he should now be everyones top priority. Both children should be treated as equally important and needing of love and care from the whole family.

Children are only young for a short time really and they so need all the care and attention to help them grow up with healthy self esteem to become happy well adjusted adults.

FFS mlb123 try reading the full thread...

I was respinding to the first couple of posts by op. I still stand by what I said as she said she resents her stepson and begrudges living with him on a full time basis, but the child was there from before op.....

Mib: what is deeply disturbing is your actual inability to understand the OP.

Op I have now rtft and the later comments have changed my opinion and you don't sound selfish or resentful of your stepson but just frustrated about various things which are understandable. When your son is older he might well be confused why his big brother gets lavish, expensive guilt presents from his mother, which you may not be able to/be inclined to spoil your son with. I am sure your stepson would prefer her attention but it sounds like she isn't stepping up contact wise etc. I think if you continue trying with your stepson and putting boundaries in place he will be fine and grateful to you later on. In the meantime it will be difficult and you need help not to be constantly critisized. None of us knows your life only what you post, but hopefully things will get better in time for you and life will get easier for all of you. I have been a stepmother and it is hard and you dont love them exactly the same as your own, but you can build a strong bond and you can also feel proud of yourself if you do right by your stepson which you sound like you are doing the best you can. Good luck and try and get a break wherever possible so you don't end up more stressed and burning out.

Jan45 I didn't when I only read first few posts, but after getting to later posts I understand a bit more. The first post read like the op was jealous of her stepson and of love he received off his grandma, but later posts the op explained it better when she was feeling less upset and it was then obvious she wasn't unreasonable about the ipad and him waking others up early.I maybe should have held off with the judgement but I honestly get a bit too involved when I think a young child isn't getting the attention they need. Too close to home from when I was young, but I shouldn't look at it from that perspective, but we all have faults and thats one of mine

You are not alone, being a step mother is very hard. I am a step mother to a 15 year old DSS. I have been since he was 5. He lives with us, and sees his DM a couple of times a week.

I was very close to him and we had a great relationship, till he was about 8. His DM at that time started to show interest in him again, and we supported him seeing her. The flip side of him building his relationship with his DM, was that he withdrew from me. I understood it, but it did hurt and I did resent being the one that did everything at home, but was slagged off and ignored. We have such a poor relationship now that it will never be mended. Even though he lives with us he does not talk to me and will not come into a room if I am there.

My advise would be, try and keep a friendly relationship with him, do find something that you can do together. Living with your PIL must be hard, just get through it. When you are back in your own home, you can set your own ground rules and establish your little family. It is unlikely you will ever love him like your own, accept that and accept your relationship with him for what it is. Good luck.

Try not to become competitive with what his DM does. Be the bigger person and don't take it personally.

Also try to give DSS regular time alone with his DF. He'll appreciate that.

I have 2DDs, now in their 20s, and 4 DSC who were all still at school when I met my now DH ( their DF).

Since I came on scene his XW has been difficult and often unfair to me for no reason other than she can be.

However some difficulties I have caused (innocently) because of different parenting styles. (Nothing will persuade me that it is OK to allow a 16yo to stay out all night without telling us).

Things came to a head last year and following advice from a wise friend I spent Xmas away with my DF. There were still probs for my DP but they couldn't be blamed on me. It helped clear the air, gave them free access to their DF and gave me a break and some perspective.

If you can schedule some regular time for DP and DSD to be just together without you and also for your MIL to have your DSD on a regular basis, say once a week, so you and DP can have time together with your new baby you may find this lets some heat out of the situation. It will be easier for Granny to indulge her GS on her time, but for DP to set boundaries for normal day to day life.

Congrats on your new bundle of joy and good luck with it all.

That should be DSSs DM (xW)

I think once your in your own home and away from the inlaws things will improve. Grandparents have a tendency to spoil their grandkids.

Now although he's your S'S, an older sibling often feels pushed aside when a new baby arrives. There's lots of fuss around the new baby and jealousy creeps I'm. You and your DH need to make his role as big brother seem really important and involve him in little brothers life as much as possible.

I know it's hard with a new baby but doing activities as a family out of the house is good. It could be as simple as swimming or bowling so not too expensive.

Also to help with the bonding just you and he could do an activity while DH looks after the baby for a short while.

In your own home you both make the rules without interference from Granny, although I'm sure she means no harm.