Stepson

[LunaMortis]

I am really struggling to bond with my stepson. My husband and I have just had a baby and i thought it would be easier. I resent that he lives with us all the time and i seem to be the only one that doesn't think he's so bloody wonderful. His mother moved away and only sees him at school holidays, she never comes to his after school events, never does his homework with him, i've been to more Christmas plays and parents evenings. We also live with my inlaws whilst our cottage is under renovation and my husbands mother likes to spoil him - says she doesn't but....yeah. So compared to his mother who showers him with gifts and his granny who gives him treats and lets him take over the telly or her ipad or cuddles in bed in the morning when we're trying to teach him to respect that other people like to have a lie in and to respect other peoples things, i'm the evil stepmother. So i resent him and i'm struggling. I just don't want anything to do with him to be honest, it hurts my feelings when he'd prefer to be around anyone else but me. I don't know what to do, the stress is making me poorly and i'm not fully enjoying the time to bond with my own Son

Bumblecat

Brilliant post, you have said exactly how I feel. My ss is in his 20s now and over his teenage years he really tested relationships, like most teenagers do, and at times wasn't very nice to be around. but I found I didn't have that unconditional love that I feel I have for my own children. I think add onto the mix my relationship as a step parent where the final decisions always seemed to be made by my dp, as I was 'only' a step, but happy for me to do all the drudge work doesn't make for a great relationship.
The op also has addre into the mix a mil who is undermining her and a mum who buy ss loads of presents, to me there doesn't seem to be a clear role or opening for op.

Please don't think I'm underestimating the role of a "step" parent it's bloody hard work.

What I do feel is that it is a very different for everyone but it is also a very different dynamic if you are the step of a RP v the step of NRP.

I also think it is a very emotive subject, and people's personal experience some times take over, my own included.

If the OP's post had said "I want to know how to bond with my step son" along with all the issues with the child's mother/MiL/concerns about her new baby then I would have been more sympathetic but it was all about how much she disliked her step son and pretty much didn't want him to be around at all.

There is a child in all of this who's mother has dumped him! And whilst I appreciate the you never know what your getting into because I believe no parent does, it was IMO a moan about her step-child not a how can I make this better IYSWIM.

kittens completely coming from my own perspective, and lots of step families work, but there should be no shame to say in an parenting website that you resent your ss and am finding it hard work without other people trotting out the old ' you knew what you where getting into' because I certainly didn't have a clue, it's almost on par with 'go on a spa day' when your dp late home.

Cross post

Bumbleclat, the OP doesn't seem to be asking for help in any meaningful way. Does she ask for advice on how to bond with her stepson? No. Does she ask how other people have coped in similar situations? No. I'm sorry, but I believe a child who has had no choice in the shitty parenting choices he's been subjected to is far more deserving of my sympathy than a woman who resents a child merely for their presence. He was there before you, OP. Think about how you would feel if this was your child someone was resentful of. And Bumbleclat, wind your neck in. I am a stepmother of 2 and whilst my relationship with them hasn't been plainsailing, I have never resented them and have worked bloody hard to ensure they know that although I am not their mother, I love them, support them and want them in my life. I am no longer in a relationship with their father but I still have regular contact with the girls and I am thankful to have been a part of their lives.

Plenty of parents moan about their children on Mn, why because she's a step parent be any different? And yes your right it does come across as a list of moans, but maybe she need to vent? Maybe it will help her to get it off her chest.
I think the op has a lot on her plate and needs support rather than the wicked step mum label

Kittens if OP didn't care she wouldn't be posting her inner most feelings hoping that the payback would be some positive developments in her rl with he DSD
I could easily give you a list of things I wish for in my rl with DSD because they're the same list of things we all want in all our rl.
If you start asking for help from a place of honesty and humility you're hopefully more likely to get genuine help from people who understand.
Not the 'you knew what you were getting into brigade' or the default, 'you're a wicked sm' brigade.
It's tiresome.

wheresthewine so she didn't ask for help in your ideal way therefore she deserves to be called horrible names? I would never take advice from someone like you.

No wheresthewine you wind your neck in, you're so hilariously high and mighty.

I haven't said "you knew what your getting into" not at all. Neither as wine what I am saying is that if you enter a relationship with a RP you know any children are going to be there pretty much 24/7! You do your best to try and asses that situation before you move in - and to then not want them around because it doesn't suit you is not good for that child.

I'm saying there is a small child in all of this and he needs love and care. And saying "i don't want him" followed by "he doesn't come to me" is not asking for help/support or advise.

Ok so maybe a vent, but there is no emotion towards that child.

I am a step-mum of two children who live with me
I am step-daughter. My first step-dad decided he didn't want me around and it was awful
I am step-daughter of a man i tested beyond belief because I was so untrusting of men at that point
I am a step-aunt

Think I have quite valid views on this as much as everyone else, and I am not saying it is easy, I am saying it is hard but when a step-parent shows no emotion it's the step-child I feel sorry for, and I'm not going to apologise for that.

And bumble she cares IMO about herself not that child.

But you have your view, I have mine and quite honestly I'm open to debate but not the aggression. I actually agree with much of what you are saying but you are choosing to not listen to that.

Bumbleclat, get over yourself. I didn't call the OP any names and this is not about her not asking for help in "my ideal way". This is about a woman who resents a child and gives no reason for this resentment other than the fact that he doesn't lie in and is given love and affection from his grandmother and presents from his absent mother! Can you imagine how it must feel to be that little boy? To be, from what the OP has said, all but abandoned by his mother and to have a stepmother who resents him and doesn't want him around?!
The OP only seems interested in how SHE feels. Makes me very sad for the poor child.

I too have been in many sides of the step parenting scenario ha good step mums and bad.
I try very hard to be of the good variety.
I had a lovely step mum for years who took a whole load of awful behaviour from me, I was loved by her in a way but I bet she struggled to like me, bond with me and sometimes I bet she wanted out because I was awful and not ultimately her responsibility.
We are now very firm friends.
Step parents need support, it's a long game and if 2 years out of her whole life time I'm less loving towards her than you think I should be then I don't really care.
What's important is being good enough and there.

Wheresthewine, my dp has children and your posts make perfect sense...im now standing by for incoming from bumbleclat ...

How old is DSS?

The not letting him into bed for a cuddle bothers me but it also depends on his age.

Sorry if you have already said.,

In that case bumble you were the child! and whilst "awful" (for whatever reason) what you needed was love and understanding you say your step-mum did love you. Maybe she thought "OMG this is hard" at times but she in your words did love you.

My step-father didn't love me and quite honestly IMO that is what the OP is saying. He walked out because he didn't want me cramping his style anymore. If the OP is of the elk then she should walk away IMO.

There is a child here who is stuck in all of this through no fault of his own. IF your a NRP step-mum it's VERY different than being a RP step-mum. Both come with challenges (I can only speak of experience from a RP step-mum perspective) neither is easy but it is the child that needs protecting not the adult.

My "step" children are very much my responsibility, DP and I parent together it's hard for us both at times, sometimes I want to vent to my hearts content but I would ask "how can I fix this, how can I make it better" not "my SC aren't talking to me because I don't like them"

Thank you, Montane50. Being a step parent isn't easy, it can be frustrating, thankless and incredibly hard work. But resenting the presence of a child is just horrid, in my opinion.

Try and lay off the trying to teach him respect just a little for the moment. Any child with a new sibling needs extra love and understanding, none more so than a stepchild. New baby time and a bit of "I don't get to enjoy pfb" are times to watch one's stepparenting. Work really hard on the resentment. Fake love until it is real or at least looks real. If not, let your DH and DMIL raise him and step out of their lives, live with your baby and organise weekend contact with dad for your own baby.

And yes, I'm a stepmum and mum, this appears prerequisite to voice an opinion on this thread. You could move this thread to stepparenting, you'll get more stepparents answering there.

The OP hasn't returned...

Wise words paxillin

And yes unless you declare your step-parenting history it would appear you are not welcoming to comment!

As the OP never returned I'm moving on :) until she does

Oh op, I don't think you're a terrible person or a bad step mum. The position your in is hard. Your dmil and dh are obviously over compensating for perceived jealously on dss re the new baby. That won't help, either you or dss. Dss should be adjusting to life with new sibling , just as you are, and therefore adjusting and growing as a family. Together. Which is what I think you thought would happen.

While your mil, dh and dss mum are over compensating dss with gifts and attention in an attempt to stop jealousy- all they will do is fuel it- I understand why you feel bereft and excluded. You and your baby should be with your dh , as and mil as a single unit.

I may be biased. I am your baby. My dad and his family over compensated my siblings when I was born- siblings who then saw me as lesser. They were spoilt to lessen the 'negative' impact my birth had upon them. I wasn't integrated into the family, I was an extra. That's what your dss is being taught.

Thankfully my siblings, and parents got over it ( when I was about 10) and we all love each other now. But had sm resented my siblings and my father when I was small( on an anonymous site where venting is supposedly encouraged) well, I wouldn't have blamed her, I'd have agreed with her!

You resent him a child yet wonder why he prefers to spend time with his Granny and his father who show him love, tolerance and kindness. To be honest you sound awful.

OP - come to the stepparenting board. It's ok to share your feelings and you'll get support there.

Poor little boy.
You knew you'd be a stepmum when you married your DH, his son had no say in the matter and he knows you dislike him.
I dread to think about what damage you've inflicting on him.
Very sad.

I'll ignore the usual bickering as it's irrelevant and I'm no referee.

I'd like to ask where the father is in all this. There's gifts and guilt parenting coming from the mother who dumped him, there's granny spoiling, potential undermining, bout no direct evidence of this.

No dad in the op, no mention of him helpin set some reasonable boundaries

Personally, I wouldn't have had a baby when the dynamic isn't right with those who are there, but by the same token, the arrival of the baby may have upset things anyway, the gm may be trying to make up for this.

It it could be a situation where you op, have to just understand that you have 2 children and you have to make it work.

All children need boundaries, and it's not fair if you are the only one setting them As you end up the bad cop.

What has your h said about supporting you or helping you coparent?