Stepson

[LunaMortis]

I am really struggling to bond with my stepson. My husband and I have just had a baby and i thought it would be easier. I resent that he lives with us all the time and i seem to be the only one that doesn't think he's so bloody wonderful. His mother moved away and only sees him at school holidays, she never comes to his after school events, never does his homework with him, i've been to more Christmas plays and parents evenings. We also live with my inlaws whilst our cottage is under renovation and my husbands mother likes to spoil him - says she doesn't but....yeah. So compared to his mother who showers him with gifts and his granny who gives him treats and lets him take over the telly or her ipad or cuddles in bed in the morning when we're trying to teach him to respect that other people like to have a lie in and to respect other peoples things, i'm the evil stepmother. So i resent him and i'm struggling. I just don't want anything to do with him to be honest, it hurts my feelings when he'd prefer to be around anyone else but me. I don't know what to do, the stress is making me poorly and i'm not fully enjoying the time to bond with my own Son

There's a lot of 'poor stepmum' posts on here but personally I'm not buying it. The tone of the OP shouts resentment and jealousy. Not concern and wanting to be a supportive nurturing step parent. It's one thing to struggle with step parenting it's another to resent the fact that your step child IS getting love and support from HIS family.

I'm a step mum, been a step child and have children so I know how hard it is. I still think the attitude here is very wrong and very toxic. Just because the OP has posted on here doesn't mean she has any insight into her own behaviour.

I find a little thought experiment useful. What if you split up or died and your DH found a new wife. She treats your DS like you treat DSS. Is it the sort of treatment you'd hope for? If yes, great, continue. If not, change it. Unfavourable treatment of one child also harms the other kids in the long run even if, at a young age, they lap up being favourite.

lets him take over the telly or her ipad or cuddles in bed in the morning when we're trying to teach him to respect that other people like to have a lie in and to respect other peoples things
These are good things for a child to learn - not to come barging in early in the morning, and that they can't just grab your things without asking. Granny needs to get on board here and reinforce that message by telling her grandson when it is OK to come in (e.g. saying he has to knock), and by getting him to ask before he takes the Ipad. Personally I'd see it as dad's job to get that message across to granny, though I'd probably brief him on what to say first .

I might be reading this all wrong but it sounds more like a problem with granny and dad....

Your stepson has no say in any of this; he just has to go along with dad and accept his new stepmum. However nice you are he might still feel resentment. My stepmum did her best to be nice, but still wanted to be around all the time, and wanted me to address my letters to her and my dad (I lived with my mum). I hated that, as I just wanted to write to my dad, and just wanted to be with him sometimes. I really like her now. I know it's easy to say, but you really shouldn't take it too personally as he would probably feel the same about any stepmother, however amazing and brilliant she was.

Grow some compassion and empathy and if you truly love your husband you should love his son as part of him.

Thankyou for all the responses. Good and bad. My apologies for sounding callous, I was in the middle of feeling quite upset and overwhelmed. I guess i didn't word right some of it and i'm quite aware my full story is not known, nor do i feel i need to delve into my full story, especially if its going to be met with some of the mean comments i've had. I guess they're deserved. I had a great relationship with my SS when i was first a part of his life that's why we decided to get married and have more children. And for those of you wondering, we explained all to my SS first and asked if he thinks it would be nice if we got married in a way in which the decision didn't seem like his responsibility but he still had the opportunity to give his opinion.

I just was desperately looking for some help because I'm struggling. I'm overwhelmed with the thoughts i don't feel the same towards him as my own, i'm overwhelmed with the idea that i don't want to treat him differently and grow up affected by that. What i wrote on here was how i felt inside and i was hoping other people in similar situations had some advise. I want to be there for him, that's why i'm here asking for help. My councillor doesn't provide answers, my parents don't, my friends don't. I don't resent him as a person, as a child, i resent that this has become such a difficult thing. I could do without being watched and my parenting commenting on by MIL (but not for my own Son?), i could do without my Ss mother swearing at us and 'wanting to have words', i could do without being left out of things because i'm not his parent - even though i do all the other things parents do? Yes we used to have cuddles and watch videos of funny cats on a Sunday morning, but it was getting to a point where he was waking us up at nearly 6am so we said to not come through until 9am - hence the respect thing.

He does get treats because he's a polite and caring boy but its outshined by gifts i just can't afford. How can my chocolate bar treat compare to sweets and cakes he gets all the time like a type of food in your every day diet. Why would he want bananas and smoothies when he can go elsewhere and get whatever it is he gets elsewhere, and i know cola is one of the options (i'm sorry but i think cola is a ridiculous drink to give a young child). I want what is best for him, i want to fix me but i don't think leaving (as much as i have thought about it at times) and having another parent abandon him is the best solution. I am bitter sometimes but i keep it buried, when there are times his mother claims she is going to visit him and then doesn't bother to turn up, these types of things we have to keep to ourselves and not tell him until she actually turns up so he's not disappointed. All the while i have to remind him she loves him very much (in her own way).

What happens when my Son grows up and wants to know where his brother is? What about when he comes back with another bag of toys and stories of the cinema and McDonalds and funfairs? We don't have these things where we live. Its similar to the scenario people debate over in regards to presents from Santa whereby the families who can't afford as much as others could potentially have a child who thinks Santa thinks they're not as deserving?

I've been pushed out and stepped over more since we got married and had my Son, maybe these women believe they're helping because they think i'm busy with my Son. What i want to know is how they think other mums cope who have multiple children? I'd prefer to be left to it and learn how to function successfully as a family.

For those wondering, my husband is a wonderful Dad. He listens to me with an open mind because he knows i get so upset because i care, i can't help how i feel and i want to change it i just don't know how and neither does he. It's been a long struggle but together we have established my SS with responsibilities like making his own bed, sorting his own school bag, pouring his own cereal and getting himself dressed. These things have all been done for him by others and he struggled at first to think about how to get about doing it himself which i think is not very good for his confidence. This is why i feel i'm the evil stepmother, i'm the one that has to establish these fundamental things and i feel like i'm just getting at him. We give him pocketmoney for doing well and extra little jobs he is starting to help us with without prompt and then with that he can buy his toys he wants, then again what reason would he have to want to help if his mother just buys him whatever he wants? I don't blame him from his point of view but its frustrating for me.

I'd like to thank folk for the 'selfish' comments, maybe i am being so. I think i've just overthought it all to a point i've retreated into myself a little. Its just all quite exhausting and i need help/advice

Lunamortis,
I'm so sorry. Please disregard my previous comments. I genuinely felt that you weren't asking for help and that you weren't considering the child's feelings, just your own. Having read your subsequent post, I am now thoroughly shame-faced.

Sorry I don't actually have any advice but wanted to say I totally understand your overwhelm and the feeling of being evil stepmother just for wanting to encourage your DSS's life skills. I've had similar e.g getting woken up very early to watch YouTube videos, DH running around like a headless chicken looking for school shoes/bags etc whilst the DC sits there on the iPad, wanting DC to eat their meals at the table because otherwise food gets dropped all over the house. DH very willingly agreed to tackle these behaviours but of course as the change is all my "fault" it's going to reflect badly against me in my DSC's eyes even though it's actually a good thing for them.

I don't think there's ever a solution to feeling bad about it other than the passage of time.

Congratulations on the birth of your son

How old is he op? I'm a step mum and it's been basically incredibly unrewarding hard hard work to keep a relationship with my step daughters . Their mum would rather they didn't see my dp so bad mouths him etc so I end up the one coming them and being the glue for our side of the family they can be rude, spoilt. Etc etc but my goal is that my dp has a relationship with them because I love him and it's not their fault . But sometimes I totally resent them, and often think 'I can't be arsed with this' and it would be easier if they didn't come etc etc because it's true! It can be hard to express that on mn without getting pelted by 'you selfish bastard!' And ' your poor poor step child' etc as if we can't feel one way but behave differently??
I think as your baby grows up its just understood that blended families have different ways so if your ss comes in with toys etc it won't feel unfair to your son plus the age difference will help there . Xx

Please don't feel ashamed, i came looking for honest advice and opinions and i didn't give a whole lot of information in my original post. My SS is nearly 8. So cbigs yes! Agreed, hopefully the age difference will help. I also hope i did enough, so when he's older he's not jealous of his younger siblings. I'm convinced that when he's older there will be a time where he decides everything is unfair and he wants to live with his mum and i taught him enough so he's ok. I just want to make sure i am loving enough for him to know he can come back if he changes his mind. I just find it hard, what can i do for that bond? Help please

I have huge sympathies with you op. It sounds like a really stressful situation all round.

I have a thread on step parenting board at the moment and although our situations are different, I am also starting to feel resentment towards my DSS (also 7) when initially we bonded quite well and I liked him very much. I try my best to not let my feelings show and I'm often researching ways to improve the situation and have posted to get advice. I don't yet live with my BF or DSS but BF would like to at some point in the future and also for us to have another DC together but I want us to get past what is going on first.

I think what makes these situations harder is that there's a lot of pressure on women to be 'natural' with children. I have never been that maternal and whilst I'm kind to all DC, I find it very forced and awkward, except with my own.

I found article [[http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20070531,00.html]] and article [[https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/stepchildren-making-you-crazy-5-ways-to-manage-conflict-in-blended-families/]] have some helpful suggestions. I also read one (could be one of the above) that asks step parents to consider the real reason for their resentment. In my case, I have no idea why I feel as I do as DSS is an absolutely lovely DC for the most part. I'm starting to realise it's because my BF treats him as the golden child and as my DD is having some problems at the moment, the fact that BF holds his son as some sort of yardstick of perfection, it just highlights how bad the situation is for my DC (due to circumstances with my health, their mental health and abusive father). I'm scared for them, scared they're not getting the same opportunities and worried they won't do as well in life. This is helping me to put context to my feelings and so feel less resentment towards my DSS.

Another article I found was [[https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinderella_effect]] which talks about some biological reasons why step parents may not always warm to their DSC. It doesn't really give any practical ways to address this though.

I think overall, step parents need to be supported and given space to be honest about their feelings without judgement. I have never been in a step situation before so this is all new to me, and like many others, I've been shocked and ashamed that I haven't taken to it like I thought I would. But if I was really a bad person, I wouldn't take the time to post when I know it will be received badly or research to find out ways to change. I don't know what will happen in my case, we may end up having to separate but I want to also know that I gave it my best shot. The first step to doing that is to remove the pressure. You are doing your best, you clearly care. Give yourself some time to adjust and vent on the step board here when you need to.

For me op to keep me motivated I do it for my dp. It may be different in that my dp is are ally lovely step dad to my kids and genuinely lovely dad to his own but has been treated so unfairly by his ex and then by extension by his kids that I would honestly do anything to preserve his chance of a relationship with his kids. I just think treat them as you would your own even if you don't feel it . Them vent on here or to friends etc. And remember however annoying you find them they're children ( don't mean that patronisingly I have to remind myself when they're being little sods!) he will grow up things will change and he will remember you as a constant caring character . They need boundaries and he will know when he's older you do that for him.it is really really hard though . I'm right there with you . Xx

Link fail:

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinderella_effect
www.empoweringparents.com/article/stepchildren-making-you-crazy-5-ways-to-manage-conflict-in-blended-families/
www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20070531,00.html

Other helpful articles:
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2007/mar/10/familyandrelationships.family1

m.huffpost.com/us/entry/12-things-no-one-tells-you-about-being-a-stepparent_us_55a40216e4b0b8145f73305b

m.reddit.com/r/stepparents/comments/2p8y3o/i_hate_my_stepkids/

From what I've read, it's evident that this is an extremely common problem but one that most people are too scared to admit, especially in RL for fear of judgement. It makes getting help and support nearly impossible.

Your last question is the one I have myself. How do you bond with someone whom you don't feel a connection? Every day we come across people we don't like for one reason or another, sometimes no reason, but we have the option of walking away. We may even dislike members of our biological family, but we have ties nonetheless and can sometimes compartmentalise the elements of their personally we don't like in order to maintain a relationship and love them regardless. Having DSC and even step parents, is a unique situation in between the two. And there is an overwhelming pressure to make it work for the innocent dsc and a DP/DH whom we love very much. It's hard.

But I'd love to know the answer myself. I want to feel that connection but don't know how to go about making it happen.

Thankyou so very much, i've got misty eyes lol. I'll give those links a read tonight with my husband. As for the other folk who advised on finding an activity to do to bond - i've started a board on Pinterest. My husband tells me off for pushing crafting on my SS haha, so maybe we could craft....with Lego. I'll see. Need to find something to do that's special between just us i think. Maybe his treat this week could be a trip out to a cafe for a hot chocolate. It's a hard thing to think of things without going OTT and just ending up spoiling him though. Thankyou all xx

All you can do is keep doing the right thing whilst being mindful of the fact that you cannot force another human being to bond with you no matter how much you do for them or how much love you give them. Your DSS as he grows up might not be someone you'd naturally get on with or vice versa so he might not ever want to "come back" even if you've made it clear that no bridges have been burnt if he leaves.

Obviously you are thinking worse case scenario, there is every chance you'll go on to have a fulfilling relationship with your DSS. But don't go into this under the misapprehension that all you need to do is the right thing and the rest will follow. It doesn't work that way. As long as you are being consistent with your children and treating them both equally/fairly then the outcome will be what it will be.

Sorry that sounded a bit doom and gloom! Was just trying to say that keep doing nice things and trying to build that bond but don't take it personally if things get hard, even though it can hurt like hell it's not your fault x

Just found these as well:

www.todaysmodernfamily.com/index.php/2649

www.todaysmodernfamily.com/index.php/3016

Hi Luna I'm the first to admit when I am wrong, and I hold my hands up and did also misjudge you. I don't have time right now to read all the replies but I did read your second post.

I would also suggest the step-parenting board as you will find support in abundance, I whole heartedly apologise as I didn't think you were looking for support, I see now that you are.

it is never easy being a step-parent, as step of a RP you have to have the support of your new family and husband. It has a times been very difficult for us but with support and love you will find your way.

I'm sorry your having such a difficult time.

Keep in mind part of what you see isn't stepmum syndrome, but new mum syndrome. New baby is tiny and helpless, it is easy to suddenly overestimate the maturity and ability of the big boy.It is really easy to become impatient and assume laziness or lack of respect in the big boy. Many parents (step or otherwise) do it. When your youngest is 8, you can see how very young that really still is. That's why last borns are often allowed to be children just a little longer than first borns.

And yes, your stepparenting will be watched and judged way more than your parenting. There is always a slight (and wrong) assumption of it not being your place. It is also hard because very few stepparents are there from birth, the bond is different and lots of stuff happened before your time.

You have a choice to make a difference for the good in that boys life, it's over to you.

Easy for everyone to have a go at the OP but the reality of living with someone's else's child can be a frightening discovery when you realise you do feel resentful, it's perfectly normal and you can't help the way you feel, growing empathy and sympathy is not something you can click to order!

Sorry OP, I've been there, I am not a bad person and I doubt you are too but I certainly hated how I resented my stepson and the best resolution was for him and his father not to live with me anymore; I didn't sign up to be a step parent though, it was kinda thrown in my lap.

Believe it or not we are still very much together as a couple and my stepson visits me often, we get on great now, no resentment, anger, frustration, none of it, not sure if this is viable for you?

There is an assumption that stepmums will automatically love their stepchildren. I am a mum and a step mum. I don't love my step son. He doesn't love me. That's fine. I provide a safe, structured home for him (my house, not his dad's) for when he comes every weekend. I include him in everything, I am the only person in his family (jointly with his dad) to take him on holidays, take him on weekends away, take him outdoors, encourage him to have a healthy lifestyle. I find it very very difficult to spend time alone with him because of certain things that he has done in my house which I really find hard to get over, but we work around this because I have to make sure it is a stable environment for him and my son. As a step mum you sadly have to accept that things will sometimes change not for the better - I'm not as close to my own wee boy as I used to be, for example, as it used to just be me and him

Saying if you love your partner you should love his child is possibly the most stupidest comment I've read on here.

I think this is a husband problem.

Under no circumstances should mil be undermining your parenting of SS. If she has a query, she needs to discuss it separately. Boundaries on treats/food/tv/iPad etc need to be established and kept to in the main.

There is no way I'd have my 8yo bouncing in at 6am every day, you're right to teach boundaries on this.

The swearing from the "d"m of the boy too, unacceptable. Dh needs to communicate that if she can't treat his family with reapect at all times then really, she needs to find another hobby. You are caring. For a child she dumped. She needs to stfu and have a long hard look at herself.

You are being made to be bad cop, that's not fair. "House/Family Rules" can be established and dh can make sure that his mother respects them, but still has the space to spoil her gs. This is important. To her and to him.

Who gives an 8yo coke? The mother or mil? If that's something you and dh don't agree with, then it must stop. Dss is old enough to know that he's to make other choices unless you agree.