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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Handholding please

80 replies

Karenthetoadwhisperer · 24/05/2016 21:00

I am so angry and upset quietly of course, as DS is right in the middle of his GCSE's. I am keeping this completely to myself and I cannot even talk to anybody, because I don't want him to notice.

My Ex (Toad, to those who remember ...) is behaving true to form and I have to keep batting him away, anything will do as an excuse to pester us, send endless emails, ask to come over, ask to see the children, ask to check if the house is properly maintained - an ongoing string of requests.
The children and I live in the family home from which he was evicted in 2013. He has been living in a hotel ever since, hoping to come back.
The children are not keen on him, but they see him every now and then to keep in touch and to shut him up. Needless to say, I am not keen on Toad either.

I work full time, long hours and I also have a long commute. I am the only provider for the children, as of course Toad is not paying maintenance, as he is a business owner and therefore difficult to assess.

Blocking him is not an option, as I have to be available for appointments regarding the sale of the house and to make arrangements with the children.

There is just no shutting him up. Nothing works. I just about manage to keep him away threatening to call the police if he turns up unannounced or harasses the children.

Contact with the children is difficult to arrange anyway, as Toad is of course banned from driving and requests to be picked up to see the children in our home - I refuse now.

We just can't get rid of him.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/06/2016 20:20

Why has that frightened you?

I can't remember the back story, sorry.

Original poster
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 01/06/2016 20:32

Because he blatantly ignores anything the police tell him. He got evicted, served with orders, arrested, sent to prison and he still happily continues to send any sort of nonsense that he just makes up. It is frightening because he never stops. The police warning has lasted 2 days. I don't want to receive crap like that 5 times a day, I don't want to see his name, his face, his voice makes me shake and his smell makes me feel sick. It frightens me that he spends all day writing emails. It's been almost three years and he is still not leaving me alone.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 01/06/2016 20:35

Is there a reason why the house hasn't sold? It's been a few years hasn't it?

Original poster
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 01/06/2016 20:38

18 months or so. It's a lot of maintenance and by a stream - it could flood.

OP posts:
Florene · 01/06/2016 20:45

If the police issued him a pin, you need to contact them and advise that he has contacted you again since.

A pin doesn't stop him contacting you, it's a tool to help the police prove that he was aware his behaviour could amount to harassment of you and yet he continued anyway despite this.

Without the pin he could have claimed ignorance of the effects on you. Now he cannot.

Contact them. It's what the pin was for.

Original poster
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 01/06/2016 21:02

Thank you. I have contacted them and left a message.

I can never quite believe the sort of crap he manages to think of writing about. This was just a small extract of the email - the rest was too personal.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/06/2016 21:49

He is an utter bastard, he really is.

How old is the youngest and do you think any of them will want contact?

Original poster
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 01/06/2016 21:54

She's 12 now and both of them don't want to see him unless I come with them which I don't want to do anymore.

Yes he is a real bastard. All he does is sit there all day thinking of ways to wind me up.

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 01/06/2016 22:05

How about a Toad voodoo doll? Every email from him you could stick a knife into it...may make you feel better.

Seriously, though l do not know your previous thread, this sounds truly horrible and l feel for you, what a vile excuse for a man he is.

Could you slash the price of the house to shift it? then move further away....a lot further?

I am so sorry you are stuck with this nightmare and hope someone has more helpful advice.

RandomMess · 01/06/2016 22:08

Presumably at 12 she can refuse to see him and have her views taken into account.

Is there a contact order? It may be a battle for after having moved but the end is in sight.

DC don't want to see him, they can no longer be forced to, he will have no reason to ever contact you again.

I agree about pricing the house to sell - could you auction it?

Original poster
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 01/06/2016 22:16

I wish I could get Toad to drop the price of the house - quite the opposite, he is thinking of increasing it.

Now that the children are older, they do have the choice. If I don't encourage them, they won't see him at all.

Toad is not giving up. He is intent on making my life hell and forcing us to have him back.

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 01/06/2016 22:27

If he won't drop the price of the house, is there any way you can move out?

Are you responsible for the mortgage? if not then l would let it go...walk away...It may be costly and difficult but it would stop this stalemate.

If you are paying the mortgage then you can drop the price and sell..

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 01/06/2016 22:59

Karen, I'm so sorry. He sounds deranged.

Can you keep the e mail he sent you and show it to the police? he's making all sorts of untrue allegations and they should see what he's doing.

Is there any way at all you and the DCs could move out? If their choice is not to see him then if you weren't in the house there would be no need for him to have any contact.

Would it work if you gave him one e mail a week at a designated time on a set day, for instance 8pm on a Monday night and made it very clear that you would neither read nor respond to any e mails sent at any other time, or any phone calls, messages or texts.

You could tell the Police you were going to do this so that he can't say you're refusing to communicate with him.

Original poster
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 01/06/2016 23:32

Done that. He ignores it all and does what he likes.

I told the police that he has a designated slot for maintenance visits and for communication.

I have spoken to the officer who talked to him and I have been foolish to believe what Toad wrote in his email. The police have been clear to him that this has to stop or there would be consequences. I have made another appointment with the police to see what can be done.

Another thought was that he was drunk when he wrote the email today.
I have to see if we can force the sale of the house.

OP posts:
AmIbeingTreasonable · 01/06/2016 23:45

Is it not possible to only communicate with agents re viewings? and surely if the children don't want to see him, given their ages, why do you still have to communicate with him about them?

Original poster
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 02/06/2016 00:04

I don't have to communicate with him in theory. He is just complicating things to force me to communicate with him.

OP posts:
IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 02/06/2016 01:36

I'm glad the Police are taking it seriously. Can you print out the email and take it with you to the appointment so that they can not only see what you have to deal with, but they also has proof that he has not stopped the harassment.

Maybe they could help you get an order to keep him right away, there must be enough to be able to do that.

Original poster
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 02/06/2016 07:00

I have to find a third party to pass on communication and then they will be able to issue the PIN warning. I can't think of anybody though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 02/06/2016 07:02

It doesn't work to block him on ICloud.

OP posts:
IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 02/06/2016 09:14

Is there nobody you could trust to pass messages on unopened? Are your parents aware of the situation or is there another family member who could help?

RandomMess · 02/06/2016 12:21

Can you remove yourself from ICloud? I presume you have asked here on the techie section to see if someone has ideas?

Well he can email me if you like? Presumably there is NOTHING he needs to actually email you about is there?

Yes to going to court to force the sale of the house, he isn't going to let it happen otherwise is he?

Busybusybust · 02/06/2016 19:35

Aw, Karen, I have read your story from the start. He is a totally disgraceful thing (hesitated there over the word 'man' or 'human being'). Karen you must stop even engaging with him. It's like you've got Stockholm Syndrome (Google it!)

He is The Most Appalling man I have come across on these boards in three years.

Is there no way you can sell the house?

Take care you. You know you really do come across as the most lovely person.......

Original poster
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 04/06/2016 09:03

Got two more requests: He wants to come and stay and he wants to come outside the allocated slot. Clearly designed to wind me up. The police have too me just to reply very briefly, print out all the emails and then submit when it is obvious that there is no other purpose than harassing me.

Thank you all. Battling on. Flowers

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/06/2016 09:15

Have you responded to those requests or do you just ignore them?

Presumably if you have replied it's along the lines of "you will never be permitted to come to the property outside of the allocated, any requests are considered harassment and will be reported to the police"

Original poster
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 04/06/2016 09:22

Yes Random that's what I said and just that and I will continue to reply like this. I will not let him provoke me into picking up the phone and screaming at him or replying to him what an arse he is. He is clearly trying to provoke me.

OP posts: