Handholding please

[Karenthetoadwhisperer]

I am so angry and upset quietly of course, as DS is right in the middle of his GCSE's. I am keeping this completely to myself and I cannot even talk to anybody, because I don't want him to notice.

My Ex (Toad, to those who remember ...) is behaving true to form and I have to keep batting him away, anything will do as an excuse to pester us, send endless emails, ask to come over, ask to see the children, ask to check if the house is properly maintained - an ongoing string of requests.
The children and I live in the family home from which he was evicted in 2013. He has been living in a hotel ever since, hoping to come back.
The children are not keen on him, but they see him every now and then to keep in touch and to shut him up. Needless to say, I am not keen on Toad either.

I work full time, long hours and I also have a long commute. I am the only provider for the children, as of course Toad is not paying maintenance, as he is a business owner and therefore difficult to assess.

Blocking him is not an option, as I have to be available for appointments regarding the sale of the house and to make arrangements with the children.

There is just no shutting him up. Nothing works. I just about manage to keep him away threatening to call the police if he turns up unannounced or harasses the children.

Contact with the children is difficult to arrange anyway, as Toad is of course banned from driving and requests to be picked up to see the children in our home - I refuse now.

We just can't get rid of him.

I can do with a boost from WA I suppose - I checked my email at lunch and received another email from Toad - now that he has sorted access to the garden, next he wants to see the children, as they 'should not be left on their own while I am at work over half term'. They are 12 and 16 FFS. They are more than happy 'to be left in their own' I am such a bad mother going out to work and providing for them I am not even replying to this. Already deleted, but it's still getting to me.

Karen, sorry if you've already done this, but does Toad already have a "more crap from the Toad" email folder of his own so that his mails don't pop up in your inbox? That way you can at least decide for yourself when you want to read them (twenty minutes every Tuesday and Thursday evening, followed by a nice glass of wine, for instance) and there's less chance of him barging into your day. It doesn't solve the problem, obviously, but it might reduce the stress (used to do this with revolting clients).

Oh god he sounds like vampire that feeds on your energy!
Without going into too much detail, I was in similar situation with EXH.
I just stopped getting engaged in his games.It costed me no cm for few years but I had peace and could regain myself away from drama/stress that was exhausting and draining blood out of me.
My emotional wellbeing was worth more than any money .
Toad creates opportunities to pester you and as long as you reply and get engaged in whichever way,you will be stuck in this situation.
Find the strength to completely emotionally detach yourself while reading his emails and only reply to bare minimum with house only related stuff.DCS are old enough to have direct contact with him and its up to him to establish direct communication without you being involved.

I am running low in energy at the moment to cope with all this. It's exhausting. Toad predictably stopped paying CM when I called the police and he got arrested. He still asks to get invited to dinner though.

Thank you both. A 'Toad's crap' folder will be created and I will continue to reply with the bare minimum and not make the mistake anymore to react or engage which is completely pointless anyway.

I did this. 'Please restrict your emails to essential matters regarding contact with the children and the house sale. Should you continue to abuse this means of contact, you will be forcing me to communicate via solicitor only'. Have you opened a case with Child Maintenance Service? He won't stop doing this shit voluntarily. You have to make him stop.

I remember your last thread!
Toads like a particularly bad case of thrush isn't he! No matter how much you scratch it doesn't go. Thrushy toad.

kitty I am even more cryptic in my replies - no effect whatsoever. I even spelt it out as date/time/reason/

CMS on such luck. They go by the HMRC Records and that would be £10 per week.

I remember your previous threads but no longer the details (my memory is shocking)

What is the hold up with the sale? He won't sell at a realistic price or just the general market or something else?

Have you got anyone who would intercept all emails and just pass on info that you need to respond to? Has Toad got a solicitor so that you can just write to the solicitor and cut out direct contact with Toad.

What happens when you just ignore any requests to see the children, come to the house etc?

Hi Random thank you for remembering!

I think it's the estate agent not marketing the house very well and also the layout of the house is not very good - not really suitable for families and too big for couples. Plus high maintenance.

What happens if I ignore all his requests: he will probably try to move back in and I will have to go back to court. And I don't have time for this right now, writing statements takes ages. But it has occurred to me to ignore him altogether.

Sorry he is such a relentless arsewipe. You will get away from him x

So can you not get an occupation order (?) so he can't move back in due to his behaviour?

Yes,house occupation order was first thing I sorted through solicitors.
And injunction for a year as well, if I remember correctly ,valid from the date of occupation order

I did the same, princess but the orders have expired and since he does not live here, we cannot renew them, as you would a subscription, unfortunately. Following the orders we had undertakings. I cannot afford any more solicitors costs, although it was money well spent of course, but I am still paying off the previous costs that I will be able to settle once the house is sold.

Oh Karen I was so sorry to see this yesterday and realise it is all still going on for you. I remember your threads and all the hell toad has put you through. It's great to see you are still holding out against the bastard and not giving in to more ridiculous demands about joint holidays and stuff. He really is the most slimy despicable thing. You've had all the advice and in fairness you're doing brilliantly in very challenging circumstances so it's hard to know what else to add. Keep strong I suppose - keep on keeping on. This too shall pass.

Everything that SomeonesRealName said. With knobs on. KOKO, kiddo.

Presumably you changed the locks so he can't gain entry without someone letting him in?

Shame you lost your keys and had to do this

KOKO

Why is he emailing you about viewings when you're the one living in the house? You need to make it clear to the estate agent that all viewings need to be arranged directly with you.

Phone the police. They've been involved before, you need to make sure you have further complaints on record. You may be able to do this over the phone and DS won't have to know.

I have now reported him to the police again. Too many emails and now copied into my icloud so I see them every time I go on my phone. I have blocked him on my contacts but somehow this does not work for iCloud email.
The police obviously would like to come over, but I persuaded them that I would go to the station instead to make a statement.

As always, they are more than happy to have a word with him. At least he will hopefully be given a pin warning, as I have asked him to stop this a few times and he kept emailing. I will make an appointment tomorrow.

I'm glad you have. It might just make him think a bit.

I hope you get some peace from him.

Thank you. He has just left after a four hour maintenance visit, most of which was spent sitting in the garden and then washing his car that he keeps on the drive, as he has no licence. He took the keys off me, so I cannot use it.

I just ignored him. I have laryngitis and cannot talk anyway. Fed up.

I hope the visits will stop after his visit from the Police, a maintenance visit assumes he will actually be doing something other than making a nuisance of himself.

He's probably done you a favour with the car, just think how many times he would have to come round to inspect it for damage!

He is a pathetic excuse for a man. Can he get into the house? If not, it might be an idea to be out if he tries to come round again. If he can then I understand why you would need to be there. Ignoring him sounds good, noting worse for him than not getting any sort of reaction.

No such luck. He resumed emailing with a vengeance accusing me of all sorts of things, even after the police has spoken to him.

I am so frightened.

Can you redirect all his emails to a junk folder so you stop reading them?

I think you need to block him completely. No more coming to the house for contact visits and so on.

If he turns up at the house and refuses to go away when you ignore him you can call the police.

No, he has the right to go to the house. I cannot block him completely, while we live in the house and it's on the market. And apparently he has the right to communicate with me about the children.

He has made up a lot of nonsense, carefully worded. I have no idea what he is on about regarding 'match affinity' - I am not even on that. And if I was, I would certainly be seeking out Toad! 😄 the messages he gets are probably the result of what he feeds into the search engine (how sad is that)

Here it is:

'Thank you for asking the Police to call on Sunday. They are probably very tired of you continuously
wasting their time.

They confirmed that by exchanging a few emails recently that no criminal offence (or any 'harassment')
had occurred and that it was clearly a necessity that we have some form of communication as we have
children, financial matters to resolve and of course the sale and maintenance of the house to deal with.

I would also point out that the false communications you have sent to me under the pseudonyms
Anna Beckenbauer, Daniela Bergman, Anna Neumann and Anna Burger (all German ladies of a similar
age with almost identical profiles) is also harassment.

When you claim that you don't have sufficient money to feed the children I find it astonishing that you can
afford to waste money and your precious time being so frivolous on MatchAffinity. You have to subscribe
to be able to send messages which is not cheap.

It would be greatly appreciated if you could refrain from any further harassing behaviour. I am always
cordial and polite in my communications to you.

Thank you

Toad'