DH and I arguing about my feelings

[preemiestruggles]

I could just do with some straight talking as I'm not sure that I can't see the woods for the trees.

DD is 4 and she is an absolute delight. She was born at 26+4 as I had pre-eclampsia which developed into HELLP syndrome. It was horrible, I was ignored by doctors and when I was finally taken seriously I had about an hours notice before I had an EMCS. I was gravely ill and could have died.

DD went through hell but is now absolutely perfect.

I have just started counselling, I have struggled with a lot of things but the upshot is I have PTSD from her birth. I feel incredibly guilty and that the stuff she went through was my fault, as a women I should have been able to carry her to term, to breastfeed, to keep her well. Rather than helplessly watching her in a box. Logically I realise there was nothing I can do, it's not my fault, I am having counselling to come to term with these thoughts.

Sorry for the long history, however, the problem I am having is I have tried to speak to DH about these feelings a few times and he shuts me down. I have tried again tonight and it has resulted in him shouting at me. Basically he thinks my feelings undermine him and are 'stupid'. He says if I feel responsible then it writes him out of her history. He feels that me feeling responsible means I am making it all about me which is unfair.

The argument tonight started because he told me he was frustrated this morning and sometimes wished me and DD would 'shut up. I said that was a bit harsh and he said he was expressing a feeling and he had any right to express any feeling he wanted, I said that it was a shame I wasn't allowed the same consideration as he shoots down my feelings about DD's birth. I ended up walking away as he was yelling at me in he garden and neighbours were out next door. Might not have been the best move.

If you got to the end of that, thank you! Am I wrong? What shall I do now?

Goodness Preemie I really don't know what to say but I couldn't read an run.
This must be awful for you, did your husband have any kind of counselling to because it sounds like he's really struggling too.
I'm sorry you've all gone through this and I'm glad your daughter is now thriving

I think you need some joint couples counselling to learn how to communicate with each other.

I expect you know that your feelings aren't quite rational although they are completely understandable. However being told not to feel that way is totally unhelpful and isn't an appropriate response from your dh, who needs to learn to listen to and understand your feelings and to talk about his own feelings without dictating what yours should be.

I'm so glad your DD is well now. It must have been an awful time.

No, DH hasn't had any counselling, I think he could do with it to be honest. He was basically told they were going to try and save my life, they weren't expecting to save DD. It must have been hell for him. I don't deny that at all, but surely that doesn't mean the feelings I have are any less valid?

Yes, couples counselling sounds like it could be a good idea.

Of course your feelings are valid. It does sound like your DH needs to explore some sort of talking therapy too.

Well for starters, suffering horrendous pre-eclampsia with complications and a traumatic birth is about you - certainly a lot more about you than it is about him! You're entitled to your feelings and even if he shits you down, he can't stop you having your feelings and having a right to them.

I think it sounds like he at some level feels left out and not the centre of attention compared to you and DD – or, at best, it could be that he felt very helpless at the time and this frightened him. He's not mature or self-knowing enough to be able to understand or express that, so when you talk about it he feels out of control and wants you to shut up, so he blames you and gets shouty. It's crap and unacceptable, and very selfish. But he probably can't see that.

It's good that you are going to counselling - you will have someone who will let you talk about your feelings and be there to listen. You can't make DH be nicer about this, so maybe better to focus on you and your counselling, and not raise it with him. And/or you could suggest he has counselling too as maybe he has not come to terms with it all either.

Sorry you had such a hard time and hope you come out the other side soon. Counselling should really help.

I think it's a great idea that you would both greatly benefit from.
It would be a terrible shame to go through all of this and then end up splitting.
You can both be a great support to each other but we all need help sometimes

OMG "shits you down" sorry! I can't even blame autocorrect for that

So, you and your daughter almost died and you're naturally struggling to process everything and he wishes you'd both 'shut up.'

He's being an arsehole. Tell him he could always move out then.

You have every right to your feelings.

Okay, thank you. I think we do struggle to communicate but I was kind of expecting to be told I was being selfish and undermining him. Rationally I realise it's not really my fault but I feel so incredibly guilty. I think that perhaps he is struggling to articulate how scary the whole experience was for him and I guess me talking about it must bring it up.

Ergh sounds like my ex. I had terrible depression because of my birth and what happened after but I was forbidden from speaking about it because I blamed him for what happened. (It was all his fault but that's a long story).
You need to speak to someone though. I still can't think about what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life without crying and feeling so angry.

This is a really sad situation. Yes, you experienced it & your dh witnessed it.

Definitely look into counselling for you both.

Take care of yourselves.

What was he yelling at you?

That he isn't allowed any feelings and I have to make it all about me and how selfish I am. I walked off in the end, I'm not sure how the rant ended.

Your feelings are valid, and deserve to be taken seriously. You could (entirely understandably) do with support, and good for you for knowing yourself well enough to see that.

He doesn't sound to be handling the situation well at all. That's a separate issue. Please don't let it stand in the way of you getting the help you deserve and need.

You mention that your daughter is 4. I'm wondering if there's a reason this has come to the surface now? Are there other things going on in your life that were triggers? How have the past four years been between the two of you?

You sound very strong and I'm happy to hear your DD got through her difficult start so well.

I am seeking counselling now as these issues, along with others are beginning to manifest in ways which are affecting my life. There are definitely other issues related to this.

I don't think he's being fair in calling you selfish, but I do think it is best to address those feelings with a professional or a friend or relative who's not too emotionally involved.
I suspect there's only so much he can do or say and I'd feel helpless in his place, not to mention that he will have his own trauma to deal with and bringing it all back could hurt him too.

I hope you find a good counsellor, as it looks you might need a properly trained professional.

I don't think you should underestimate how emotionally traumatised he has been by watching you and DD go through this, even though he hasn't had to cope with the physical trauma like you have. It's not a competition, but it sounds like he sees it as one. It may be that for every step forward you take (and share with him) it's like a metaphorical slap across the face for him and a reminder that he hasn't even begun to process his own feelings.

Being a man he may also have feelings of shame that he shouldn't feel unable to cope. Or he may feel that he can't seek counselling even if he needs it.

There is no easy answer here. Sadly, if he can't be persuaded to seek help for his own feelings I don't think it will bode well for your marriage or for his relationship with DD. That's not your responsibility, it is his. You have enough to do dealing with your own trauma. All you can do is say you acknowledge his feelings but he needs to deal with them himself by getting counselling the same way you have. When you are both a bit stronger, that's when sharing becomes mutually beneficial, whereas right now it's just adds to feelings of being overwhelmed/ignored.

Good luck.

How was your relationship before you had the baby? Was communication and the relationship ok then or did he shout you down then too?
If so this could be part of a bigger issue

Sounds very much like you both feel guilty and he sees your wanting to talk about how you feel only makes him feel even more helpless, redundant.

You both need counselling, separately and as a couple. Good luck

Jesus. Whether or not he's struggling, he's being a prize arse. He's the one complaining that your feelings "undermine" him, and you're meant to be the one who needs to make it all about you? Breathtaking irony there.

I hope for your sake that he seeks some professional counselling. That attitude of his is no good for a relationship, and certainly nothing that you can cope with while you have enough of your own stuff going on.

Christ, why does this have to be a blame game? You're both struggling, you're both feeling guilty. Of course you are entitled to your feelings but so is he. My guess is talking to him probably makes him feel even more guilty so he lashes out...
Both of you need to get some counselling and get it sorted.

And sorry for your loss. It sound horrific.

Thank you for all your messages. It has come up today again. I actually think it's well off the mark about his guilt. I have suspected for a long time that he is on the spectrum, this morning his actions suggest again that I am right. He has said there is no way it is my fault, I have nothing to feel guilty about, a doctor will tell me that, so my feelings are bullshit. He often fails to see any shades of grey, things are very black and white in DH's world.

So he doesn't get the idea that you can suffer horribly from guilt even though you really don't have anything to feel guilty about?

I'm assuming that you know, logically, that it isn't your fault? Have you explained that you know that, but that it is very common for people to feel guilty about things they can't help - e.g. being the sole survivor of a plane crash or something? Maybe point out that these unnecessary feelings of guilt are a recognised medical condition? Do you think he'd get the idea then?