DH and I arguing about my feelings

[preemiestruggles]

I could just do with some straight talking as I'm not sure that I can't see the woods for the trees.

DD is 4 and she is an absolute delight. She was born at 26+4 as I had pre-eclampsia which developed into HELLP syndrome. It was horrible, I was ignored by doctors and when I was finally taken seriously I had about an hours notice before I had an EMCS. I was gravely ill and could have died.

DD went through hell but is now absolutely perfect.

I have just started counselling, I have struggled with a lot of things but the upshot is I have PTSD from her birth. I feel incredibly guilty and that the stuff she went through was my fault, as a women I should have been able to carry her to term, to breastfeed, to keep her well. Rather than helplessly watching her in a box. Logically I realise there was nothing I can do, it's not my fault, I am having counselling to come to term with these thoughts.

Sorry for the long history, however, the problem I am having is I have tried to speak to DH about these feelings a few times and he shuts me down. I have tried again tonight and it has resulted in him shouting at me. Basically he thinks my feelings undermine him and are 'stupid'. He says if I feel responsible then it writes him out of her history. He feels that me feeling responsible means I am making it all about me which is unfair.

The argument tonight started because he told me he was frustrated this morning and sometimes wished me and DD would 'shut up. I said that was a bit harsh and he said he was expressing a feeling and he had any right to express any feeling he wanted, I said that it was a shame I wasn't allowed the same consideration as he shoots down my feelings about DD's birth. I ended up walking away as he was yelling at me in he garden and neighbours were out next door. Might not have been the best move.

If you got to the end of that, thank you! Am I wrong? What shall I do now?

[Valentine2]

I have only read your original post but it must be so hard for both of you. Like previous posters said he looks like he also hasn't recovered from that time. You probably need expert care for him too.

[preemiestruggles]

That is a brilliant idea, yes. I will try and give him other examples.

To be honest, I am exhausted, the counselling is really difficult, not to go to deep into it but I have deep rooted issues with taking responsibility for things (including my mums death) and really struggle to stop these feelings. I was just hoping to be able to talk it through with him and maybe get a little bit of a support, just a hug or something. I am exhausted again now with trying to justify my feelings, they are feelings, surely even if they are ridiculous he could just acknowledge them and listen. I think I am asking far too much :(

[EBearhug]

Rationally, he's right - but what he's missing is that there can be a wide gap between what we rationally believe and what we emotional believe, and part of the point of counselling is to investigate that gap and come to terms with it. Just looking at the logic won't usually do that, because emotions don't work with that sort of rationality.

I think counselling would help him, too, but he needs to be open to talking about things and for difficult feelings to come to the surface.

I hope all goes well for you both.

[Lweji]

The problem here is that when sharing your feelings you're also touching on something that I imagine was also hard for him, or he experienced differently.

Could you ask for a hug without anything else?

But we don't know. He may not be good with sharing feelings or he could be a cold bastard.
Do you ever ask him how he's feeling or what he felt about the birth?
Would he attend joint counselling if it was meant to ease up things for both of you?

[preemiestruggles]

I think that is an excellent explanation. EBearhug unfortunately he is very focused on the rational and struggles with the emotional. I imagine he would be very difficult in counselling. We have discussed attending couples counselling, he is happy to attend, although we wont be starting til I finish my individual counselling.

Since he has on numerous times said that I am not considering his feelings and I am undermining him, I asked him what his feelings are, his answer was - "I feel that your feelings are bullshit" sooo....that just made me cry and that is never a good thing around him.

[preemiestruggles]

ooops X post Lweji but I seem to have answered your questions. If I ask for a hug for no reason he does ask 'why?'

[ravenmum]

Say some of those things to him that you just said. Then say them again, and again. Some people really just don't get it, though - sigh - my ex was like that.

There seems to be a lot of information about this online if you search for PTSD and premature births.

e.g. www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/i%E2%80%99m-pregnant/mental-wellbeing/specific-mental-health-conditions/post-traumatic

Counselling is knackering, but from my own experience I think that's a good sign you're on the right track.

[ravenmum]

Why is crying not a good thing?

[gamerchick]

Well he nearly lost you, that will have scarred him. We seem to think that men should be this strong big shoulder that absorbs everything.

You want to talk about it and that's valid, he's dealing in a different way and doesn't want you to bring it up. Neither of you is wrong but it can push you apart if you don't resolve it.

Has he talked about the terror he felt when he faced you dying?

He's not a cold heartless bastard or other names he's being called he just right now doesn't want to talk in depth like you do.

Would a debrief help you of your labour and birth? It might help you to ask questions and get talked through everything. It might bring him out of the running away from his feelings thing he's doing.

[preemiestruggles]

So, he came in and tried to talk to me and said that he has read an article on paranoid delusion and that's what I have and that he knows what he should say, and parroted off 'i understand that's how you feel but that is not my experience'.

I asked how he would feel if he was talking to someone who was the sole survivor in a plane crash and they felt guilty, as in survivors guilt, and he said he would tell them it was bullshit, the same as he is telling me.

Crying isn't a good thing as it annoys him and he can't talk to me when I am crying.

[preemiestruggles]

He has never talked about his feelings related to nearly losing me.

[NameChange30]

I can't believe he keeps saying that your feelings are "bullshit", that's horrible
If he says that when you ask him how he feels, he is using it as an opportunity to attack you rather than express his actual feelings. He needs to understand the difference between saying "I feel sad / angry / frustrated / etc" and attacking you.
Personally I think a basic level of emotional intelligence and good communication are vital in a relationship - if he doesn't have those things and can't (or won't) work on them, you should seriously think about whether you can be happy with him.
For now, though, maybe it would be wise to focus on your own counselling and spending regular time with more emotionally supportive people.

[NameChange30]

Cross post. He has no empathy, it's rather disturbing

[preemiestruggles]

No, he doesn't have any empathy. At all.

[Resilience16]

I agree with AnotherEmma. There us a big difference between not understanding another person's emotional reaction to a situation, and attacking or dismissing them for it.

[NameChange30]

I wonder if he is narcissistic?
Lack of empathy: the most telling narcissistic trait
10 signs that you're in a relationship with a narcissist

[preemiestruggles]

wow....well he meets at least 7 out of 10 of those

[NameChange30]

[NameChange30]

thehappysensitive.com/narcissistic-love-versus-unconditional-love/

[ravenmum]

Saying that your feelings are "bullshit" is hurtful. The idea that crying annoys him is also not good. Good thing you have a counsellor already to discuss this with...

He's Google-diagnosed you with paranoid delusion? Are you really meant to take that seriously in any way? (Not sure that Google-diagnosing him with other rare, serious mental disorders might be the best response to such nonsense...)

Go to a doctor, get a proper diagnosis, and try not to take too much notice of his unhelpful attitude for the moment, it is not getting you anywhere. Deal with the first set of problems now and leave his attitude problems for later...

[ravenmum]

re narcissism this article makes some good points (in my non-professional opinion!) www.alternet.org/personal-health/what-it-about-narcissism-almost-everyone-doesnt-understand

[Lweji]

Considering your most recent posts, I don't want to continue giving him the benefit of the doubt.
He does sound like a cold bastard.
Not sure what his reasons are, but he not only is not giving you the least possible emotional support, but he's undermining your feelings and saying and doing things that make you feel a lot worse. No wonder you haven't been able to resolve your feelings of guilt.

What to do is the problem.
You can seek support elsewhere or, if you conclude he's more damaging than supportive, you could decide to let go of him.

[preemiestruggles]

I have already been to a doctors, I have PTSD and PND. Parts of these things manifest themselves as anxiety and depression. I realise I am not well, that's why I am seeking counselling.

[preemiestruggles]

Okay, I have asked him to leave for today. I am fearful of how he would respond to DD if she had a problem, I asked him, what would you say if DD came to you and said 'i think mum hates me', obviously you would know I don't hate her but how would you react? His response was 'i would tell her it was bullshit, maybe not in those words though', I said, well would you not ask her why she felt like that or what had happened to make her feel like that or reassure her? He said, 'no, its bullshit' I'm not going to acknowledge bullshit feelings. If you are expecting me to pander to your bullshit feelings then I'm not going to, so stop asking me too.

[ravenmum]

Makes it even harder to understand what his problem is with your feelings, if you have an actual medical diagnosis explaining them. But yes, whatever the reason, he has a total lack of empathy and you're not going to make him gain empathy through discussion right now. It's not you, it's him. He claims to be super-logical, but doesn't even seem to be able to follow a logical, medical explanation. Not sure there's anything you can do apart from seek help elsewhere .