DH and I arguing about my feelings

[preemiestruggles]

I could just do with some straight talking as I'm not sure that I can't see the woods for the trees.

DD is 4 and she is an absolute delight. She was born at 26+4 as I had pre-eclampsia which developed into HELLP syndrome. It was horrible, I was ignored by doctors and when I was finally taken seriously I had about an hours notice before I had an EMCS. I was gravely ill and could have died.

DD went through hell but is now absolutely perfect.

I have just started counselling, I have struggled with a lot of things but the upshot is I have PTSD from her birth. I feel incredibly guilty and that the stuff she went through was my fault, as a women I should have been able to carry her to term, to breastfeed, to keep her well. Rather than helplessly watching her in a box. Logically I realise there was nothing I can do, it's not my fault, I am having counselling to come to term with these thoughts.

Sorry for the long history, however, the problem I am having is I have tried to speak to DH about these feelings a few times and he shuts me down. I have tried again tonight and it has resulted in him shouting at me. Basically he thinks my feelings undermine him and are 'stupid'. He says if I feel responsible then it writes him out of her history. He feels that me feeling responsible means I am making it all about me which is unfair.

The argument tonight started because he told me he was frustrated this morning and sometimes wished me and DD would 'shut up. I said that was a bit harsh and he said he was expressing a feeling and he had any right to express any feeling he wanted, I said that it was a shame I wasn't allowed the same consideration as he shoots down my feelings about DD's birth. I ended up walking away as he was yelling at me in he garden and neighbours were out next door. Might not have been the best move.

If you got to the end of that, thank you! Am I wrong? What shall I do now?

[CocktailQueen]

Oh wow, OP. That's a lot to deal with. He does sound very cold and unempathetic. Could you talk about your feelings and communicate before you had dd?

It's really good that YOU have a counsellor to discus your feelings and emotions with. I can understand why you feel how you do, and it's not irrational at all.

Then after your counselling, you need to think about your relationship with your h. Would you be happy being in this sort of relationship for ever? Not being able to cry, talk to him about how you feel? Or not?

Would he agree to counselling for himself? Not sure how you get a diagnosis for him - would a GP be able to help? But then he'd have to agree there was something 'wrong' with him - would he?

[ravenmum]

Didn't see your last post. To me it looks like you're putting your case forward in an intelligent way and he's responding like an oaf. Is there an intellectual mismatch too?

[preemiestruggles]

No, not really, he is a very intelligent man.

I am not happy in this relationship, no, I feel that I tread on eggshells a lot, he turns it around and says that he has to be careful with what he says to me. I love him, I really do. I should never have asked for his support with this issue. I should never have expected anything like compassion with this issue. He went through it too and it is selfish of me to want him to hear my feelings when they are so polar opposite to his. I knew it was going to end up like this, I have fucked it all up.

[TomorrowNeverComes]

I am sorry I haven't read every single reply so if I repeat anything my apologies it is not intentional.
Firstly, I am so sorry for your situation regarding the traumatic birth of you child, I can completely empathise I have had two beautiful girls and neither experience was good for me. My first took me an extreme amount of time to get over she was full term but the whole thing f'd me over and I suffered from PND. My second daughter was prem, I had pre-eclampsia too, so I can relate to you - not trying to overshadow just explaining I feel your pain.
Men - even the best of them are hard books to read, I honestly believe they are just not programmed to talk about their feelings. I have a wonderful hubbie but when it comes to his feelings I have to prise them out with a crowbar!
It sounds to me that your partner hasn't come to terms with how the experience affected him, let alone how it has affected you. I'm not trying to be mean but it sounds like you are both in a bit of denial about the situation. I've heard you say he doesn't want to know about your feelings and he won't talk about his own so won't let you talk about yours. He has no empathy, have you given him any? When I was going through it with my children I put myself in my husbands shoes, I imagined him waiting alone in a room while they took me away from me not knowing what was going on, so much time going by and not knowing if either me or my daughter were going to come out of that room. I'm tearing up just thinking about this again. I couldn't imagine how scared he must have been, I take my hat off to my husband because I could not have coped if the tables were reversed.
I'm not saying your husband is right for acting the way he is and I am not saying your are wrong for acting the way you are I'm saying you have both been to hell and back, neither one of your experiences were worse than the other, yes you have had to deal with the physical trauma as well but it is the mental scars that cut the deepest, am I wrong?
My husband doesn't cry, yet another man thing, I have only seen him cry once at the birth of our first daughter but I was too shocked to share the moment, I assume he did cry at the birth of our second but I was out cold so have no idea. He has not cried about it since and probably never will but we have spoken about how the experience affected him and I can see the pain in his eyes when he looks at me and he thought he would lose any of us.
Long and short of it you need to offer empathy to receive empathy, your husband has probably locked his feelings away and lost the key and probably expects you to do the same but it's impossible.
Communication is the only thing that will fix this be it between yourselves or through a counsellor, it's going to be hard because the experience was hard, you will argue again probably but it's important if you both want to move forward and concentrate on bring that lovely little miracle of yours up.
I'm not out to hurt you I'm just trying to give perspective, if it helps great if not I'm sorry and I hope all works out for you x

[CocktailQueen]

I should never have asked for his support with this issue. I should never have expected anything like compassion with this issue. He went through it too and it is selfish of me to want him to hear my feelings when they are so polar opposite to his. I knew it was going to end up like this, I have fucked it all up.

No, OP, you haven't! it's not wrong at all to want emotional support and compassion from your husband - the man who's meant to love you over everything else. It's not selfish of you to want him to hear and understand your feelings! It's a basic part of being in a relationship with someone. You do the same for him, don't you?

On the internet, we can't diagnose whether he's a narc, or whether he's on the spectrum, or whether he's just very poor at talking about emotions. He doesn't sound very nice, OP, from what you've said, but we don't know if this is because he's bottling up his emotions from nearly losing you, or because he's an abusive, selfish, cold twat (and I'm leaning towards the latter, btw).

But you are not wrong in wanting or expecting these things from your h.

[TomorrowNeverComes]

My last reply took so long to write you have posted again. The last thing I want is my message to look like a blame game. I don't know the foundations of your relationship, this may change everything. I was giving you my perspective, my relationship is strong and mutually respectful, but even my hubbie can be rubbish with communication (like I said man thing).

[NameChange30]

It's not selfish of you to want him to hear your feelings. It's totally natural and normal.
You haven't fucked it up. You're doing your best and you're getting counselling for your issues.
If there are problems in the relationship, they are his responsibility too. The difference is that you seem to be taking responsibility and he doesn't.

[NameChange30]

Tomorrow Why don't you read the OP's posts before posting? I don't mean the last one (a cross post), I mean the others.

[TomorrowNeverComes]

Cocktail is obviously a good communicator, nail on the head - you both should be able to ask for support from each other, this is after all what a relationship is.

[Lweji]

Definitely not your fault.

It's one thing to expect a partner to listen and guide us as a professional would, it's quite a different thing to hear that our feelings are bullshit.

The problem for you is that if this is how he is, and he had no feelings whatsoever on what happened and he cannot even begin to understand that you do and you still suffer, then there's nothing you can do but go through it alone. And alone either living with him or without him, because emotionally that's where you are - alone.
The question is whether you want to continue as partners in living conditions but not emotionally, or you want more. And it's fine to want more.

[Lweji]

Also:
No, not really, he is a very intelligent man.

He may be, but not emotionally, clearly.
And he doesn't seem to want to learn how to deal with emotions either. And that is the main problem.

[TomorrowNeverComes]

Of course I read the original post? I meant I didn't read everyone else's comments, I am talking to original poster not everyone who has replied? What have I said that is irrelevant?

[NameChange30]

Lweji
I agree, he's not emotionally intelligent. And I think you're right when you say that the OP is emotionally alone with him. (Sorry OP )

Tomorrow
I said read the OP's posts ie all of them, not just the first one.

[Ratbagratty]

I had the same pre eclampsia which developed to hellp syndrome over Xmas, Dd was born emergency c section after 2 weeks of in and out of hospital. I was going in for a liver scan and came out 10days later with baby. My DH has so far coped with it very well, but I think that counselling as pp have suggested maybe a good idea for you and me as I get very teary still thinking about it (am crying for us both). I wish the hospitals would take us seriously when we say something isn't right.

[TomorrowNeverComes]

I did. I was just trying to give a little perspective as have similar experiences. Apologies OP if you agree with Emma that I have done something wrong? Was not my intention. Whatever the outcome I wish you and you child the best.

[NameChange30]

A little perspective? Including such wise nuggets as "men don't cry"? Sexist bollocks.

[Lweji]

I'm sorry Tomorrow, but while my perspective based on the first post was somewhat similar to yours (giving him the benefit of the doubt), the other posts by the OP make it clear that he's not quite shell shocked from the experience, but is being rather unfeeling and worse towards the OP.
And in any case, it's not the OP's responsibility to sort out his feelings.

[ravenmum]

You haven't fucked anything up, that is your illness making you feel that way. And your husband saying you are unreasonable to expect sympathy (in this case or when you cry). You're gradually making do with less and less in the way of support, and still feel you're asking too much? Constantly readjusting your expectations of what a partner might offer you? Finding reasons why he can't be expected to be there for you? In my experience that can end up making you feel absolutely worthless.

[preemiestruggles]

Thank you for all the support, I have to go to work now. I am so tired and fed up of all this. He has stormed out now, apparently he won't engage in my 'stupid fantasy that makes it all about me'.
I shouldn't have tried to talk to him about it all.

[RiceCrispieTreats]

" I should never have asked for his support with this issue. I should never have expected anything like compassion with this issue. He went through it too and it is selfish of me to want him to hear my feelings "

What is a marriage, if not something where you can get support, compassion, and be heard?

Honestly, that's the entire point of a relationship. If he can't do that, he's not a partner to you.

[uglyswan]

"What is a marriage, if not something where you can get support, compassion, and be heard?" I agree with this wholeheartedly. And even more importantly, as you said to him: what about your daughter? Do you want her to grow up with someone who tells her that her feelings are bullshit, that she's selfish and delusional for having feelings? He's already hurt you very badly and you're an adult with experience of how other people behave and support each other and cope with their feelings. Imagine how badly he could hurt her.

[WriteforFun1]

OP others have made good points so I won't repeat them
Just picking up on the fact that you said he's pissed off about the noise you and DC make

That really worried me. I presume you don't parade around singing "who let the dogs out" with sound effects!! So he is just pissed off at the sound of his wife and baby generally? I find that worrying. Does he expect you to just sit and be quiet and be his ornamental wife and baby? Psychopaths often want to have this to show off to the world.