Can we have a thread for people who know they need to leave but aren't quite ready yet?

[NoCapes]

I've attempted to start threads about my relationship before but I always let them die because I get quite a bit of "your poor children, think of them" or "why did you have kids with him?" responses which just makes me feel even more guilty and like shit, which is the very opposite of what I started the thread for

I would really like somewhere to brain dump all of the things he does/doesn't do/says so I can't convince myself that it's not that bad, and tbh I really need some support
I don't really have anyone I feel I can do this with in real life (they've all heard it a million times and are bored of me) and I know lots of people have been through similar things on here but I never seem to attract them to my threads, I usually get the judgypants

I don't feel ready to end it yet, I can't guarantee that I'll stick to it yet, I wouldn't trust him to have the children alone yet, I rely on him financially 100% atm
I'm just not ready to let go of the idea of a 'family' I had in my head yet
But I know I will, I know he'll never change, I know this isn't right
I'm just not sure when

There must be others in this situation? Fancy helping each other reach the end goal together? Without judgement

I have ?

Sounds exactly like the position I was in worried

Can you arrange a free 30 min appointment with a solicitor to look at your options? If ds is at risk with him they will put something in place (supervised access maybe?)

Is it likely that he would leave the house if you ended things?

The problem I had is stbxh refused to budge so is sat in the house and I can't be there due to a history of dv.

Luckily for me, my h isn't that bothered about seeing ds. And at the moment ds is happy enough not seeing him but I have been taking him over. I was so worried he would start demanding to have him all the time!

I'm not sure I would get supervised access as there is no violence, he just doesn't have any common sense if that makes sense? So will leave medicines lying around, cleaning cupboard with bleach etc in open, knife drawer open, front door open etc without watching ds. I'm not sure how I would stand on those issues? He never plays with ds, has never done baths, bedtimes etc. Never cooked a meal, changed a nappy. Not one thing. He hugs him and kisses him on his terms and randomly shouts at him if he is doing something minor (like leaving his toys all over the place) but that's it. He is such a rubbish dad I feel so awful for ds. He is just not parent material. He was fine right up until ds was born so I never saw this coming. Since I stopped work he also controls all the money and gets cross and sulks if he doesn't like the dinner I've made him and leaves mess everywhere he doesn't even clean his shit out the toilet (sorry if tmi) he doesn't show me any respect at all and I'm wearing myself out doing everything.

Will an ex partner want to see their children. I know of some that use contact as a weapon against you.

If he isn't asking let him take it to court for access.

If with an abuser do amass what you can for leaving. I was doing the same years back to leave my now ex but it was the day he threw my son at me I ran with only the clothes we stood in.

I got the pleading, sorries, won't happen again and I'd been there done that for 7 years. I still have guilt 18 years later as I found out he was beating the older boys (his step children) never my daughter. His excuse to toughen them up the fukker.

Once he knew I wasn't going back this time he got nasty and demanded the children. I did say only one was his and he said he would go to court to get access. That frightened me but I knew he couldn't do this only for one he could but he didn't take me to court it was just the threat of.

He would phone and text me continually berating me for being a shit mother cause I was working or some other slight. All to try and control me. I eventually had to change my number and do a third party exchange for my son which was short lived as he would demand it be me that do drop off as he wanted to control me once again and when that didn't work he ditched his son and tried to stop his maintenance money. When that backfired he started to bad mouth me to everyone. Some believed him some didn't as he was this meek mild looking man that butter wouldn't melt and was this great father, partner on the outside but it was hell living in it even my own mother said this which didn't go down well but she was a narc as I discovered years later.

I hope all of you can escape one day and safely.

Hi, can I join?

I know I need to finish it, don't know if anyone else has had this before but he won't LET me end it.

Short story, I own my house outright, he is not on deeds, we have been married since last October.

Ds born December last year, dc2 due December this year

I'm so unhappy. Miserable.

I'm SAHM at the moment, financially we are ok. Ds is perfect, house is great. But we aren't happy.

We argue and 'split up' every. Single. Day.

I just want it to end, I'm so sad about it all.

Phew! That felt good.

When I said he won't let it be over, I mean physically he won't leave, I don't have the bollocks to call the police or anything, so we just go round in circles tbh

It's so sad there are so many us in these types of situations. I'm here reading everything and will keep popping into this thread just to know I'm not alone and offer support to anyone if I can. to you all.

Hi all I hope nobody minds if I join this thread as I'm not sure my problems with my dh exactly fit here, but I'd like to stay and read awhile if that's ok ?

Another one leaving. It's taking time, for so many reasons...

But what I've realised is that it's not an overnight decision for some.

EA and infidelity has crushed me. Gathering my strength and getting it all clear in my head is taking a while. But I KNOW I do not want to spend the rest of my life with this man.

It's so hard to know what to do, especially when your reliant on someone else's income.

Before I left I made sure I knew all my benefit entitlements etc and had a small stash of money behind me I had been putting away for a long long time.

I found the final straw for me, was telling family. The support I received was amazing, but I know it won't be like that for everyone.

Can I join? For me it isn't so much the financial issue - more the concern that he would get permission through the courts (in the country we are in this is a possibility) to take our son on "holiday" to his own country (not in the Hague convention) and basically never reappear. Gaaaaah

Lurking and trying to put my situation into words. We're not fully broken but things just aren't right. So many of the things pp have said ring true for me (thanks for sharing)

I alternate between imagining being in a car accident and just no longer existing. Or when he doesn't answer a text, that he's been in an accident... thus saving a messy split. Don't know if I even want to...

He has said in discussions previously that if we split he would top himself. Not in a threatening 'if you leave me, I'll kill myself" kind of way but.. well now that I write it its more of a cold threat ....

Urggh more thinking needed...

Thanks for listening.

Good luck to all of you in getting out. I struggled for a long time to get out of my marriage, long after it was dead.

Part of the reason it took me a long time was because, as pp have alluded to, I knew that he would lose it (he couldn't control anger, and I knew he wouldn't cope).

That is exactly what happened - he made all kind of threats, and it was a terrifying time.
If you are in that position - thats even more of a reason to leave. It obviously makes it harder, but I realise now that its not a remotely acceptable way to behave.

The other thing I want to add, is when you do feel strong enough to end it - have a plan in place if it all does go bad - a friends house that you could go to, know where all the things are that you would need, be prepared and ready to call the police if you have to.

Just reread this thread and all the posters are in my thoughts. How is everyone?
My OH has been away these last few days. The atmosphere is so much lighter. I need to make some changes.

OP - had a thread going about meeting a new man - Green Eyed Gardener (GEG) - a MN classic; and then was picking baby names, later.
So - looks like it worked out for her.

Gosh, thank you, it's been a long while then.
Really have to muster up some courage.

A friend of mine - going through divorce now, said -
It get to a point where you just can’t take it anymore. And then you know - you have no choice but to say - now it’s over.

Good luck

MM - I get that.
I am almost in a place where it seems more desirable to walk away with nothing, than to stay......

Hopingforhappiness I am feeling the same way. I’ve had enough of being spoken to like crap. If I’d anywhere else to go I’d be long gone :(

Hi all

Loving reading real stories that resonates and not slate us for not leaving.

Me n DP together on and off for 15 years with ds and dd.. been through the mill..he cheated..biggest shocker EVER as he was so loving and always telling me how great i was etc..I forgave like a fool after a year and took him back but still argued daily. I was so unhappy i refused sex slept on sofa etc while everyone thought we were perfect couple on the outside. He is a good dad but we do that walking on eggshells thing that someone said earlier and he can be shouty...wondering now from listening to my friends and reading on here if all or most men do this????

Anyway we plodded through a few more years and yes you guessed nothing but gis attitude changed..everything others have said on here..voilent outbursts...cussed my dinners..putting me down with sly comments..expected laundry service sex the list goes on..even though he worked n i gave up a really good job to be a sahm he stopped helping financially..so we got in debt and everything in my name..eventually I kicked him out and we both moved on but do not judge me i moved on with someone he knew..until he started stalking us and smashing up new blokes car and threatening his family and him till we split up..

So 2 years later dumbass here takes prick BACK..i know already ladies..like i said dumbass here lol..BUT prick started changing because i changed..he realised that i wasnt going to put up with his shit and even though i didnt have money i had brilliant friends that i stuck to from day 1 that knew what he was like and he had to build their trust too..we sat and talked raw about EVERYTHING how i felt how he felt how he was a knob etc and i wasnt putting up with it..how would he feel if it happened to his mom/sis/daughter..what my terms were if he wanted to 'win' me back..because my friends made me realise my self worth but after years of moaning i didnt wanna go back like a pleb easily and then feel like i betrayed the very people that helped me get away and start again..

So everything has/had been going perfect now for a gpod few months..he praises me daily..we discuss not argue..he helps out with housework..even learnt too work washing machine..i know amazing since he could work one at his moms but never when we were together..but yh he DID change..ony thing is like I mentioned earlier..when we split 2nd time we both saw other people..him within 3 days of me kicking him out n she lived couple doors from his beloved mummy..i was bigger person n was nice to her until he started kicking off about me seeing someone..anway last night he got a call from a PRIVATE number..he dont use phone much so rare he gets random calls..he techno phobe..so he answers and its a woman..he starts getting irate and asks whos this..is this so and so (his ex from split) she sounded drunk and couldnt quite hear her as it was loud in background..he hangs up and im asking who is it..then phone rings again..sorry for long story but sounded like same person..private number..i grabbed the phone to ask who it was but HE snatches phone off me and hangs up...know from past experience and knowing he is SLY DODGY..the 1s that tells you what you want to hear and treats you good but still shags around slyly but very slyly you cannot catch em 2nd time..

Sorry for long ass story or if it is confusing but yest i thought omg im so happy and lie can move in after cheating throwing out and forgiving but now i feel a fool and reading some of previous replies reminds me of what a prick he is and should i be stupid in thinking she is still fucking him???

Gosh reading this back i sound like a 2 yar old lol..what i meant was EVERYTHING was going fine until that call last night..

Why snatch phone off me and hang up..wouldnt you wanna know who it was calling late on a Saturday night???

And OP weigh up the pros and cons..speak openly about how you feel..what you want and expect from a relationship..sorry im one of them I DEMAND RESPECT NOWWW attitude women lol with everyone inc DP..Do not feel like you have to pander to him and make him know you are a diamond and i mean TELL HIM YOUR WORTH..dont feel bad cause i didnt..i shamed mine and was very vocal on how i felt (i can be drama queen) but if he loved me he will RESPECT me and that means full support..i even cuss him if he moans about me waking up early on his day off to do housework..make sure neighbours the lot hear me and if he moans im like..well theres the door..bye FELICIA..you think im putting up with YOU dictating my day so we all have to wait around FUCKING up our day because u want peace..shit still needs doing and i didnt hear you complaining when you was at mummys and she was up at 5 hoovering etcccc

Sorry for rant but cannot wait till he wakes up cause he is having it..furious now about phone call and i SWEAR i will kick him to curb easily..

I'm changing.
I've read Lundy Bancroft, done an "alternative " to the Freedom Programme. Found a job.
He knows I'm growing stronger, so his behaviour is changing.
I don't think it means we can stay together, but life is a little less tough, as I feel braver.
I'm calling him on his actions more often and feel better for it.
Need to get through the next year or so.
Sending strength and courage to everyone in my boat.

Re-reading this thread with interest.

Money stopping me - being reliant on someone else's income - kids like friends in street but I can't pay mortgage with just my salary.

Stewart, it’s exactly the same things for me - the kids and money. I would have to leave the family home as I could never afford it on my own. I’m not happy but leaving seems so daunting.

Hey I belong on here too.

Sorry to hear about all of your situations

It’s not even money or kids for me - my partner isn’t my DD’s father. It’s simply because I still love him. In a cycle of some emotional abuse and laziness (which has now stopped as i confronted him and told him I wasn’t sure I wanted relationship anymore) and the Way he is with my DD.

Last night he went in a sulk because my ex to DD broke the news him and his new fiancé was pregnant and my DD was going to be a big sister! I was over the moon for her as she’s an only child at the moment and he went in a sulk about it and couldn’t even be happy for her. Last week we had the same him sulking over her birthday plans because he didn’t want to go (and he put his foot down about not staying overnight!). He just doesn’t give two hoots about her.

His general attitude towards life itself, his shitty morals and his sickening materialistic nature. I know he’s not right for me. And I still love him like the fool I am.