Can we have a thread for people who know they need to leave but aren't quite ready yet?

[NoCapes]

I've attempted to start threads about my relationship before but I always let them die because I get quite a bit of "your poor children, think of them" or "why did you have kids with him?" responses which just makes me feel even more guilty and like shit, which is the very opposite of what I started the thread for

I would really like somewhere to brain dump all of the things he does/doesn't do/says so I can't convince myself that it's not that bad, and tbh I really need some support
I don't really have anyone I feel I can do this with in real life (they've all heard it a million times and are bored of me) and I know lots of people have been through similar things on here but I never seem to attract them to my threads, I usually get the judgypants

I don't feel ready to end it yet, I can't guarantee that I'll stick to it yet, I wouldn't trust him to have the children alone yet, I rely on him financially 100% atm
I'm just not ready to let go of the idea of a 'family' I had in my head yet
But I know I will, I know he'll never change, I know this isn't right
I'm just not sure when

There must be others in this situation? Fancy helping each other reach the end goal together? Without judgement

I have ?

Oh ladies
Can relate to some posts... The problem with emotional abusers is that to outside world they are amazing husbands, no one sees what goes on behind closed doors and people think we are over reacting. It is indeed hard to leave and I'm watching this thread reading with interest X

I'm another one to sign up for this thread. Very unhappy at home but not sure of what to do to change it or whether it's going to work. Only that I can't bear it here any more

Hi, may I join you? Not really ready to start putting things in to words, but if I can just hang out here a bit and chat whilst I get my thoughts straight that would be lovely.

Do you want to say any more, greeb?

Welcome everyone, so sorry we're all in this shitty situation - oh fuck it its 9:30 lets have instead!

LetThereBeCupcakes of course, it's really hard to put it into words isn't it because it just becomes 'life' which is so so sad
I haven't even really said anything about the details of my relationship yet because it's just how it is
I'm hoping that having this thread to report to will make me take note of every little thing and then I'll just keep reading it all back, over and over until it all sinks in
Feel free to do the same everyone, I think it could be really eye opening for us

Good luck to you all! I left my abusive x nearly 9 years ago thank DOG but it seemed to take a lot of working up to, planning and careful execution considering I never regretted it once it was done.

ps one piece of advice though, don't leave and then be talked in to going back because they restructure the finances so that it's harder to leave the second time. So it is better to be sure when you do leave. Write a diary. Save. Plan. Read books about self-esteem etc. You can be working on yourself while you're there. Better to leave with no doubt in your mind that you owe him nothing.

I read the threads on here too and I think, blimey, give the OP a chance to process what she's just read! I think people think you go upstairs and pack while the thread is still in active convos. I did a wwyd? type of thread in april and left in july. The thread was dead but it shifted my mindset, and it took that long for all my thoughts to line up right.

I feel for you.
Ignore the nobs on mumsnet. There are plenty waiting in the wings ready to have digs and pokes at folk in need of support. I've had bashings in the past too- usually for not being married to the father of my DCS. I don't want to be.
Like you, I'm not ready to leave. But when I wonder if I want to spend the rest of my life with DP I know the answer is no. That's why we're not married. Right now, it's where I need to be for financial reasons and because like you, I like our family and our family day trips and family everything else. I also don't want to leave my DCS alone with DP for long periods not because I don't trust him, he's a fabulous father. But because my raging anxiety would never allow it...
It's safer for my sanity to stay put for now. That's fine I feel.
Just have a plan and begin to work towards it, try to gain a bit of financial stability for yourself, put a bit of money away if you can etc etc and make a little life for yourself that doesn't involve him, a hobby or something. When the time is right, you'll leave, this is what I tell myself.

Hi all,

Such a relief to find this thread and it's made me join mumsnet so I can join in.

Chakachumchom I totally get what you're saying. I know things aren't right but I dread having to let go of control of my son and let his dad have him at weekends/some evenings - I'd rather be unhappy and in control of my son and with him every day and night than sat at home alone whilst my son is with his dad and away from me. I couldn't bare it.

Things might have been taken out if my hands tonight though. We may have had one argument too far and my partner has said he's leaving me. This makes my blood run cold as I always thought it would be me in control of the decision.

I've been unsure abs unhappy for a long time (together 10 years) but there are often glimmers of hope/happiness.

Here's the big one which I need advice on - I really want a brother or sister for my son. I don't want to risk waiting for another man to come along - I'm 33 so although I have time left to have more kids, the sooner the better really.

Then at least if my son (2years old) does have to go and 'stay at dad's' and have a split family, at least he can do it with a brother or sister as a best friend and confidante for life.

On 5th May I had emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy - we had been trying for another baby. But now this has all come to a head before I've had the chance to get pregnant again.

Advice please... Do I beg him to stay and make a massive effort to get things pleasant enough to have a sibling for my boy, or is that a really bad idea?

So much of what each if you have written resonates in some way with me. It's shit that we feel like this but it's so nice to know we're not alone.

Xx

virabhadrasana Great advise. I too left my exP 6 years ago. We had 1 child (toddler at the time) he wasn't physically abusive but mentally and financially. It took me a long time to find strength to leave, I found that strength in motivational quotes and in my child. She was all that mattered and It got the the point that for her sake I needed to act. I carefully planned over my exit, financially mainly, and over 4 months unbeknown I moved essential items to my parents (they just thought it was storage) and got my finances in order, eventually when I was sorted and I had the confidence and inner strength and self worth i set myself a day, when that day came i went off on my usual day, dropped dd at nursery then went to work, said not a word, in the evening collected dd and never looked back, was welcomed at by my parents, slightly shocked but not really as they had secretly prayed for this for years. It took exP until 9pm to realise we hadn't come home .... And just text to say what's for tea!? That confirmed to me I'd done the right thing. I then felt able to tell him that was it, he could see dd but we were over. He wasn't bothered about dd but kicked up a fuss for a month or so called me not fit to burn then moved on to make someone else miserable! He doesn't see dd (his choice) and I've since found my soulmate, married and had another child. Only now I am settled and truly happy with my family it cements how truly unhappy I was and what a negative effect that was having on me and dd. I know it must be different for everyone but if you feel that you are unhappy or being mistreated in whatever way you really need to just sit back and weigh up your options, take time out to relax and really think about what YOU want. No one deserves to be unhappy, life's to short!

Koala I'm not sure that I'd stay in a relationship just to have another child, a sibling for your ds. What message does it send your son that you were prepared to be miserable just to have another child? He'll not turn around and thank you for it, I'm afraid. But that's just my thoughts on it.

My dp isn't abusive at all but I just feel sometimes that personality-wise we're not compatible. I'm hoping when I return to work (on maternity leave) that I'll get some perspective on things. I'm fiercely independent financially and find it very difficult to get my head around joint finances. We also seem to have different goals in life; I want to give my ds holidays, good educational opportunities and a good life in general. I only ever wanted one child so I could drive these things. My dp seems content to drink a few beers every night and let life drift by. He's unhappy in work but any time I suggest anything, he dismisses it. He wants to quit work and look after our ds but I don't want him having that much influence while I bust my chops working. It's all so difficult but as I said I'm hoping getting back to work helps me get my head straight. My dsis divorced her abusive Dh of 20 years and said her only regret is not doing it sooner, I just don't want to repeat that pattern.

That's definitely something you hear time and again -- 'wish I'd done it sooner.'

I stay because its convenient, right now, its easier.. there is so much going on in my life that i appreciate even the crappy support, and occasionally he really does come through. We've been having issues with the school with DS and he's actually been brilliant.

Its almost like he KNOWS when he's pushed me to the edge, and he suddenly switches and is really nice for a bit, then we switch back to him being an asshole.

I did leave him briefly 5 years ago, and while we tried again, i told him if i left again, that would be it, no 3rd chance.

I regret coming back. I should have just walked away then.

I've made up my mind to go, i even bought him a decent car so i could keep the one i have without him demanding it back as he bought it out of redundancy money for me.

I will go, i just haven't decided when..

We don't share money, but i pay a couple of the bills (he kept defaulting on them so i took them on). His wages barely cover the house, he will struggle to feed/clothe himself if i leave, and i think part of it is that he resents that he often has to ask me for money. I dont want the house, he can't afford maintenance either. I just want peace, and quiet, and not to be waiting for the next time he shouts at me or the kids or the cats.. i want to sleep without hearing him snoring, eat without him bitching its not a 'proper' meal.

Ugh.. i'm rambling! Sorry.

wottymcwottface a lot of parallels in our stories there I also posted stuff back to my parents. The postman figured it out before they did I think! But like your parents, they were welcoming, and shocked, but not that shocked.... they'd been doing their level best to over look an increasing mountain of his 'quirks'. Anyway, I have not met my soul mate, not yet! but I have optimism. Life has a lot of good to offer me yet and I plan to take it.

Chakachumchom don't have another child. I had two with my x, if I'm really honest, for similar reasons, I wanted my dc to have a sibling. But dc2 was on the autistic spectrum inheriting some of my x's traits I believe. Things are ok now but there are a lot of things that would have been a LOT easier if I'd only had the one child when I started again. Working at a profit, (not losing it all to childcare) and, therefore, buying a place to live and having the stability and security I craved for a long time after the deep insecurity shaped wound that life with a financially abusive man leaves, and then of course, when you recover, dating! I had one man (a nice guy, couldn't trash him really) end a fledgling relationship with me because he had more freedom. I said to him that if he liked me enough it wouldn't matter. And he nodded. So, I'm fine about it now. But when you are trying to rebuild your life, the freedom of having one child will be very valuable to you, in every walk of life. Working, the practicalities of finding a secure affordable home, childcare issues, dating, socialising, hobbies! It may be incomprehensible to you now that you will get 'you' back, and prioritise that over a sibling for your child, but you will. And there are a lot of only children out there. Being an only is not a bad thing. My friend is a single parent too, actually I have two single parent friends who have one child and both of them have a better relationship with their only than I have with my eldest. So....... rambling here. But basically read mcwattface's post!!

kitty stay strong. Save, plan, wait. I remember that too, being told ''we had chicken last night'' and ''is this vegetarian?'' and ''pasta? again?''. He thought he was in a restaurant. And a hotel. The towels had to be folded and soft. He basically just wanted a cook, cleaner and whore. Except his standards were so high he wanted a chef, housekeeper and escort. And he wanted her gratitude !!!!!

It will be to your advantage having a few bills in your name. I can't even remember now, it's been a while but I came up against some stumbling block at some point for not having bills in my name. I got around it I think. I must have.

KittyCheshire You're in a strong position then. I know a lot of women are for obvious reasons torn. If they walk away, they walk away from their investments. When you do line up your ducks, you'll be in a strong position.

Loads of good advice here. It's good to hear women in support of each other in waiting until the time is right. I'm a firm believer in biding time and making the break as smoothly as possible.

One of my issues with DP: I intend on staying until DS is a little older so I'm less on edge when he's in DPS care, plus I want to gain financial stability for myself so I'm looking at perhaps 2-3 years before I leave.

One question though: one of the problems I have is with the house we currently dwell in. DP lived in it before me and I moved in with hI'm before DS was born on the agreement that we would move. I find the house quite dark and the location isn't great in terms of schools etc. As we're 'seeing how it goes' in DPS words, he has said that the move needs to go on hold (which I understand) but I can't face the thought of another 2-3 years in this house and DS would have to eventually move to a new school once we separated anyway. Do we move house with me knowing that I intend to eventually separate or do I stay put and save on the expense of moving?

DP is quite stuck in his ways and getting him to make changes in the house to suit our family needs has been exhausting. I feel a move is needed to up-route him from his ways and even offer us a chance of making things worse. For me, the house is part of the problem, especially as we live close to his DM.

*offer us a chance of making things work!

Staying until DS is old enough to speak up is my biggest concern. At the moment, although DH isn't abusive, I would say he's neglectful. Wouldn't wash or feed DS without prompting. I need to know that DS can articulate his needs before I allow DH that sort of control. I'm also pregnant. The pregnancy has really brought home how little he cares for me. So I'm in it for the long haul at the moment. It's fine. It gives me time to plan.

chaka that's really tricky about the house. Could you maybe rent his out then rent somewhere yourselves for a bit? Do you have assets of your own?

Except his standards were so high he wanted a chef, housekeeper and escort. And he wanted her gratitude !!!!!

This sounds very familiar ....

Hi ladies. Just wanted to give some support. I am 18 months out of my shit marriage with a useless man and I still have days when I can't quite believe I actually did it. I always hoped we would grow old together but couldn't find the courage to get out.

At the beginning of 2014 I turned 40 & it was a turning point for me. I was ready to tell him to shove his emotionally crippled fuckwit head up his arse and then he arranged a 'surprise' birthday party for me with all my family & friends. Damn! I couldn't do it any more because now he looked like a caring husband.

My best friend took me to a spa for my birthday & she asked me why I hadn't left him yet & I said I would wait another 10 years until my youngest had left home. Just hearing myself saying those words scared the shit out of me. 10 more years!! NOOOOOO! And then I started fanatising about what it would be like if he died at which point I had to start seriously thinking about getting out.

My biggest obstacle was my own head. Changing how I thought, allowing myself to believe that leaving was ok, I wasn't stuck. It look a year of changing my way of thinking & disengaging from the relationship. When I stopped trying to make it all ok it fell apart quite quickly although he was oblivious to it!

On 2nd Jan 2015 I could take it no more. Wrote him a letter because then he couldn't argue with what I had to say, took the DC out for the day & went back later to face the music. I know some may think it was a cowardly way of doing it but I was terrified & it felt like my only option.

The last 18 months have proved what an arsehole I always knew he was but the DC & I are so much happier. And I agree with other people who say they wish they'd done it earlier but I just wasn't ready.

So I know where you are all coming from & for all of you living that in those shitty conditions every day.

I am in a similar situation. I left for two weeks 8 years ago and a few other times since, the most recent being last July.

I am now pregnant (unplanned) but this doesn't mean I'll stay, in fact it's an incentive to go.

See my thread if you like - the one about not having to get DP up in the morning (can't remember the exact title).

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2641012-to-think-DP-should-get-himself-up-in-the-morning

Complaining about dinner resonates with me - "this is more of a lunch" if we have pasta and "I like food with flavour". Also yesterday he actually served the dinner that I'd cooked and said I'd done half a job.

Oh wow are we all married to the same husband?

I have to say that it is so great to have stories from the mnetters that have left the kind of marriage I'm in. It makes me think that one day I will actually be able to summon the courage to leave.

Yes, I think I had the knowledge I needed to leave when my son was very small but he was 10 months old by the time I started making actual plans and 13 months by the time I'd found somewhere and made arrangements to go there.

I think people worry because there can be a tendency to think oh, I'll leave later. Just give him Christmas... not on a family member's birthday... after the summer holidays... and it can go on forever and ever especially if there is no catalyst to bump things along and that seems such a shame. It is useful to give yourself a deadline by which to make a decision or for how long to try certain things or wait for signs, or just to start things running in the background which will lead to being able to leave later on.

Otherwise, if the relationship is already violent or there are any serious warning signs for violence ramping up (this would be hitting/throwing inanimate objects or walls, violence towards animals or people other than yourself, "lower level" physical violence such as preventing you from entering/leaving an area, restraining or pushing/shoving even if it does not seem "violent" or any kind of "jokey" violence such as "playfully" punching you in the arm when you've expressed you don't like this) or any serious danger signs - severe control of your movements, surveillance - then it IS imperative that you get out ASAP. That is a safety issue.

For most people that isn't the case. But everyone in an emotionally abusive relationship needs to be aware that there is no such thing as "He would never hit me" only "He hasn't hit me yet". Violence doesn't always ramp up slowly, in fact it often doesn't. The first incident of violence is unlikely to be a nice neat little warning so the danger needs to be acknowledged even though it doesn't feel real. Acting immediately isn't always possible, reasonable or safe. It does take time. And as leaving can be a trigger for violence, it's definitely a good idea to plan such a thing carefully. But any serious danger signs should be noted immediately.

Mine came in from outside, banged the door against the worktop and pushed me. He couldn't remember this afterwards, said he pushed whatever was on the hob. My DD backed me up though
I told him he touches me again in any way at all aggressively then I will call the police. I had to shout this several times as he kept trying to shout over me.