So angry with dh- can't move house

[mrsmoustache]

Posting for advice as I'm not sure what to do or where to go next.
About 6 years ago I found out that dh had not being paying the mortgage and had run up debts of £25,000. This had been happening over a period of 2 years, but he didn't tell me or give me any signs that we were struggling. I found out when I opened a letter from the mortgage people.
Cue lots of upset and me feeling like I couldn't trust him. He says he was trying to protect me. I took over paying for the mortgage (I had recently returned to work after looking after our 3 children) and both our parents helped us clear the arrears.
Dh took an extra job- a couple of evenings and his parents gave him a monthly amount and over time he cleared the debt.
Last year, he said he only had a small amount outstanding, so we decided to move house. Everything was sorted, mortgage advisor said despite previous debts it was all good. However (you guessed it) at the last minute we couldn't get a mortgage because of outstanding repayments. Everything fell through, lost an amazing house and I was pretty devastated. Anyway, picked myself up made a plan to clear everything and try again the following year. So all paid off 2months ago and have just been waiting for the credit report to update. Dh told me this week that his credit score has gone further down, not up. He says this is because he now has no debt.
I'm desperate to move house - not for me but the kids. 5 of us in a 3 bed with my eldest (18) sharing with my youngest (12) and my middle child (6ft) in a tiny box room. They are desperate for space and privacy.
Because it is effecting them, I'm so upset and angry at Dh. We're trapped despite having a good combined income (70k).
On some levels, I know it's not his fault- I should have been more on the ball and he's tried to sort things. He's a good dad, loves me too much and does more than his fair share, but I can't stop feeling angry with him.
I guess I'll have to take out some sort of loan and extend the house, but I didn't want the upheaval with 2 children in exam years.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far- any advice?

I'd be more worried about him pissing away 25k without even knowing himself exactly what it went on, especially if you believe that it went on "normal" stuff.

Surely that makes him super high risk for repeat?

£25k isn't a lot of little things adding up. I'm sorry OP but I think there's something he really doesn't want you to know.

Op has tunnel vision right now

She ain't listening

She's scared.

The end result is the same

Well, if his credit score has gone down, it's done you a favour. Do you really want to saddle yourself with a bigger mortgage with this guy?

What the fuck has he been spending the money on?

Why the fuck didn't you ask that question 6 years ago?

You've been burying your head in the sand for SIX YEARS.

That's why I feel responsible - I should have made him show me everything.

That's why he should have offered to show you everything. Clearly you've both been in denial about this fuck up, but it's his fuck up.

Trusting him the first time around was not unreasonable - my DH has absolutely no idea if the mortgage is being paid, for example. He doesn't even know how much it is, what day of the month it goes out on or anything. I guarantee, however, that if I had to fess up to a 25K debt and mortgage arrears he'd be checking our joint account online every day thereafter. But that still wouldn't make it his fault if I found a new way to run up debt and hide it from him.

You are overreacting about the bedrooms 18 and 12 is fine to share am assuming same sex. Also won't the 18 year old be off to uni/moving out soon anyway. Box room, just buy a loft bed from ikea or similar you can buy a double if it will fit and they will have all the space underneath.

Coincidently

Six years is the deadline for credit card records falling off of your credit card.

Funny he's offered now.

Sometimes I'm aghast at Tesco when I see what I just spent but mostly it's like £20 extra on stuff like scented candles, knickers and bathmats (don't ask) The amount is still major but I have many many cats and they won't touch the cheap stuff. It may be frivolous but I know where it's gone. It also doesn't amount to 25k.

Obviously it would not be appropriate for you to list what's been spent on your current home or dc or whatever else .. but 25k is a lot and doesn't seem to be involved in everyday running costs. It isn't even involved in day to day conversation and planning for the future. Things were rolling along until brick wall moment. Hence it may not be quite all of the picture. There's a something else, isn't there?

I think, unless you took over the mortgage and moved it into your name, he has to be lying. Because that mortgage will be debt, in his name. And since you've been ensuring it's being paid on time it will now be good debt adding to his credit score not detracting from it.

I suppose he could mean that he doesn't have as much debt and so hasn't got as much "good" history to build his score, but with a mortgage I would doubt that - it's one of the biggest debts most people take on. Wouldn't credit cards pale in comparison, unless he was failing to pay them?

Don't forget this is £25k NET which equates to an annual salary of about £32,000 gross

That's a fuck of a lot of money to overspend.

DP ran up 25k of debt - fortunately we had no mortgage or DS at the time. He did it by being a complete fuckwit - it was at the time banks were handing out loans like chewing gum, and phoning you up every five mins to offer an "extension", so he gradually ratcheted up from a couple of k, filled credit cards, then ran out of income to meet repayments.

It is possible to blow 25k on spending a bit more than you can afford on everything - holidays, meals out, super nice bottles of wine, hobby shit, for a few years, and have sweet FA to show for it.

Alison that debt was run up over two years (or more, given the DH'd biliary to minimize what's happening). And as I read it the OP had been on an extended break from working to be a SAHM. Probably pretty easy to get through a thousand a month (or less) to supplement a one income lifestyle to be closer to what you were used to with two incomes.

But even if it was that innocuous 6 years ago, that doesn't explain what's happened this year, when they've both been working.

*As I UNderstand it. Not Alison

This guy has been getting away with murder. Lying to his wife, ran up thousands of debts which he hid from her until she discovered them, then got his wife and parents to pay off the debts for him, without even telling them what he spent the money on in the first place! Meanwhile his children are going without.
Do these cocklodgers have no fucking shame?!

OP your husband could well be telling the truth. Unless you're utilising credit regularly your credit score goes down. Same as if you use more than 60% of available credit, your score goes down. Takes about 2 months to catch up to score.

The fundamental issue is you two being open, honest and sharing information so you understand the situation and trust him. If he can't do that.., question why.

Best of luck x

It is possible to blow 25k on spending a bit more than you can afford on everything - holidays, meals out, super nice bottles of wine, hobby shit, for a few years, and have sweet FA to show for it

Exactly. Not sure what period we're talking about but over a few years it's a few hundred quid a month which is a reasonably small percentage of the OPs income. Add in interest on the credit cards if they're not being paid off each month and the amount spent on actual stuff reduces further.

£25k over 5 years is less than a hundred quid a week which could simply equate to a single family meal out each week at somewhere quite middle of the road.

The thing is why would his credit score go down for not having debt, he still has debt in the shape of the mortgage. His score probably won't go down for repaying the outstanding payments, these will stay on file for 6 years, so I believe he is lying about the repayments affecting his score so much.

I would be furious with your mortgage advisor - this is exactly the sort of thing they should have expected and be able to deal with. A good independent mortgage broker should be able to find you a mortgage despite having defaulted payments etc on your account - or if they can't find anything at least you will know!

Having said that, I agree with others up thread who have said that you would be mad to consider taking on more debt with your DP at this stage. It sounds like you need a major financial commitment with him like a hole in the head. I'm amazed that you don't even know what he spent the money - I think you definitely need to get to the bottom of that otherwise what's to stop him doing it again? You need to stop sticking your head in the sand.

To the OP, you can do an instant Clearscore credit check on him, now, this instant and for free. I set us all up with Clearscore accounts so we could keep a track for identity fraud. It is pretty accurate and even shows a current credit score balance of say £50 that isn't due for payment yet.

An Equifax or Experian check costs £2 and takes about a week to get a PiN through so you can check the info online but that is very very detailed indeed, did I really gave an Argos store card in 2009? Apparently I did.

If your children aren't that unhappy with the situation why change it? Why even consider taking on more debt with someone who has not been straight with you? You need chapter and verse on his credit status and not only from a credit agency. If you want to extend the house your eldest will practically have left home by the time you find an architect, a builder, get planning permission etc and get the work done. Why not have family treats, holidays etc if you can afford it - you can scale those up or down according to circumstances but once you are maxed out on a mortgage... Oh, and you must hold the purse-strings very firmly from now on. Good luck

PS If you insist you want to try and move, read Money Saving Expert's section entitled 'Boost Your Mortgage Chances'. Even repeated checking of your credit score can go against you...

£25k over 2 years is more than a thousand a month.

Have you seen the credit card statements and all other statements throughout the repayment period, OP?

It does seem as if either your mortgage advisor was mistaken in his advice or else he was given bad information to work with.

Would a loft extension not be cheaper than moving house? Better value to as you don't go up a council tax band if you extend a house you live in.

Or a really good insulated garden shed / garden office. Several people I know have made social/ study space for teens in that way and they have really enjoyed it.

The trust issues and resentment are still simmering, possibly because due to excess trust you have not had clear sight of everything. People in a partnership don't 'protect ' each
other except by sharing knowledge of the things that affect them.