Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

So angry with dh- can't move house

84 replies

mrsmoustache · 22/05/2016 20:03

Posting for advice as I'm not sure what to do or where to go next.
About 6 years ago I found out that dh had not being paying the mortgage and had run up debts of £25,000. This had been happening over a period of 2 years, but he didn't tell me or give me any signs that we were struggling. I found out when I opened a letter from the mortgage people.
Cue lots of upset and me feeling like I couldn't trust him. He says he was trying to protect me. I took over paying for the mortgage (I had recently returned to work after looking after our 3 children) and both our parents helped us clear the arrears.
Dh took an extra job- a couple of evenings and his parents gave him a monthly amount and over time he cleared the debt.
Last year, he said he only had a small amount outstanding, so we decided to move house. Everything was sorted, mortgage advisor said despite previous debts it was all good. However (you guessed it) at the last minute we couldn't get a mortgage because of outstanding repayments. Everything fell through, lost an amazing house and I was pretty devastated. Anyway, picked myself up made a plan to clear everything and try again the following year. So all paid off 2months ago and have just been waiting for the credit report to update. Dh told me this week that his credit score has gone further down, not up. He says this is because he now has no debt.
I'm desperate to move house - not for me but the kids. 5 of us in a 3 bed with my eldest (18) sharing with my youngest (12) and my middle child (6ft) in a tiny box room. They are desperate for space and privacy.
Because it is effecting them, I'm so upset and angry at Dh. We're trapped despite having a good combined income (70k).
On some levels, I know it's not his fault- I should have been more on the ball and he's tried to sort things. He's a good dad, loves me too much and does more than his fair share, but I can't stop feeling angry with him.
I guess I'll have to take out some sort of loan and extend the house, but I didn't want the upheaval with 2 children in exam years.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far- any advice?

OP posts:

FATEdestiny · 22/05/2016 22:00

Defaults and missed payments stay on your credit file (therefore adversely affect your credit worthiness) for 6 years after they are paid off.

This is probably the reason the mortgage was declined.

Montane50 · 22/05/2016 22:05

Can i just check, how does your dh know his credit has gone down? Has he done a check? If so ask for a copy of it asap. I work in the mortgage department of a building society, each bank /b.s have their own set of rules (criteria ), for example we wouldn't consider an application from anyone who has missed mortgage payments during the past 3 years (no matter how sorted they now are), we wouldn't consider a guarantor mortgage unless the applicant was a training professional, and we would want a credit search doing on any adult not going onto a mortgage for this precise reason -avoiding going on because of bad credit.

AnyFucker · 22/05/2016 22:08

what did he spend the missing 25k on ?

Original poster

mrsmoustache · 22/05/2016 22:10

He amassed the debt over a couple of years. He stopped paying some repayments, then started again but was still behind. He has worked 3 evenings a week for the last 3 years. I gave him the last bit of money to speed things up so we could move.

That's why I feel responsible - I should have made him show me everything.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 22/05/2016 22:13

25k does not disappear into the ether

I think you are compounding your naivety by not pushing for more answers

if he has some sort of problem...gambling ? drugs ? it won't just go away

Toffeelatteplease · 22/05/2016 22:16

You feel responsible because he has made you feel that way.

He has taken responsibility for nothing.

I'll also bet that he has dangled the carrot of moving in front of your eyes knowing it would influence your decision to pay off the debt.

Original poster

mrsmoustache · 22/05/2016 22:17

He's done a check - I haven't asked to see it yet. Mainly because I can't bring myself to speak to him.

I've been paying the mortgage for the past 6 years with no missed payments. I'm classed as a professional with good job security.

OP posts:

Original poster

mrsmoustache · 22/05/2016 22:21

Yes I have been naive and trusting. It's certainly not drugs or gambling. He didn't push to move. That was me.

OP posts:

TradGirl · 22/05/2016 22:26

What was he spending the money on OP? I would be a bit concerned about the black hole this money disappeared into.

AnyFucker · 22/05/2016 22:26

it sounds like you are so fixated on moving house you daren't dig deeper

what happened to the money that should have been paying the mortgage ?

Toffeelatteplease · 22/05/2016 22:29

There's not a lot of point looking at the credit files. It will only show you any debts now.

Say DH was spending on a credit card (or pulling money out on the credit card) and using the mortgage money to pay off the credit card. The credit card will show as a closed account. Doesn't tell you what the money was spent on. It could be anything from prostitutes to god knows what else and you wouldn't have a clue. And the family money has paid for it.

Given it's turned out pretty nicely for him, there really is no disincentive for him to do it again.

No way would I be playing happy families with this man

MrsLouisTomlinson · 22/05/2016 22:29

Sign up for your credit reports, both of them. A good place to start is checkmyfile, they'll give you a pretty good overview of everything as they take info from experian and equifax. If there are no visible defaults or missed payments then contact a mortgage broker like London and country, send them your copies of credit reports. Ask them what they think they can do for you. If you have missed payments and defaults still visible, if they're over 3-4 years old depending on amounts then you can probably still get. A mortgage. Get yourself informed, come back here and get advice. Until you know what debts are outstanding you won't know what your options are. Good luck. I've been in a vaguely similar circumstance and have been in our new home for over a year now but it was only me taking full control of finances that got us here.

Joysmum · 22/05/2016 22:29

You can get the experian credit report and a 30 day till for free (the score isn't useful). You must remember to email to cancel before that time otherwise they'll charge you a monthly fee.

It'll offer the detail you need to comb through and repair and improve as much as possible.

I did mine as I was bored. I've only ever had all my mortgages, never had a loan or credit cad, and my score is the perfect 999.

Interestingly enough, it would only show any overdraft and doesn't show all my savings.

It's well worth looking at your report, from a point of interest even if for no other reason.

Gabilan · 22/05/2016 22:33

Well it is easy for credit card debt to escalate especially if the person spending is unaware of how quickly interest on them racks up. However, £25k with little to show for it is very odd, to say the least. Sorry you're going through this OP. However, I would be worrying that your DH is just bloody unreliable with money at best. This is his responsibility, not yours.

Toffeelatteplease · 22/05/2016 22:34

If you are going to do it you actually need a lot more paperwork than just a credit report.

You need a copy of all his bank statements and credit card statements. You need to go back through and look at everything.

In my case it was a precursor to me and the children losing pretty much everything.

Original poster

mrsmoustache · 22/05/2016 22:34

Instead of paying the mortgage, he paid his credit cards. He missed about 3 months of the mortgage and that's when it all came to a head.

He's always said the money went on things for the family - cars, holidays, day to day stuff when I wasn't working. But we've never been extravagant.

I know I've not delved deep enough, I guess I just wanted it to go away. But it's bitten me on the arse again.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 22/05/2016 22:36

it will continue to bite you on the arse

and if you mortgage yourself up to the hilt for your "dream home" (with a liar?) at massive cost because your credit resports are shite you will be in a massive heap of trouble if he repeats the behaviour

you need to see a trail for the credit card spending

I don't believe him, and you would be a fool to do so

Toffeelatteplease · 22/05/2016 22:37

You don't want to because it means risking massive disruption to your life and the possibility that you will find out things that mean you have to change your life.

At best could you really put you home at risk for someone who mismanages money to the tune of 25k. At worse it is quite deliberate.

Joysmum · 22/05/2016 22:42

Totally agree, you need to look back at the credit card statements.

ReturnOfTheJewel · 22/05/2016 22:46

YY NotDavidTennant - the "credit scores" set by the credit reference agencies mean jack shit in the eyes of mortgage lenders, who each set their own individual rules to assess credit worthiness and ability to pay.

The fact he has told you his credit score has gone down, and has had an excuse pre-rehearsed before you even asked to see his credit report, implies that he might not be telling you the whole truth and is simply hoping that you'll buy his excuse without asking to see the report for yourself.

That said, I would think long and hard about taking out any joint financial commitments with someone who has a track record of acting irresponsibly - do you really want to be financially tied to someone who is happy risking the roof over your children's heads to avoid coming clean to you about his credit card debts?

Toffeelatteplease · 22/05/2016 22:54

They are married, it's all joint financial commitments. Even his credit cards in his name. They cannot separate the finances without divorcing. If he goes down she's going with him.

He's already shown he's ok with that by not paying the mortgage to the tune of 25k and getting her to bail it out

AnyFucker · 22/05/2016 23:00

petrifying !

I can only assume op is so single minded about getting what she wants, she doesn't care how she gets there and what the consequences might be.

It's like a slow car crash....

tellyjots · 22/05/2016 23:13

You seem to be rubbernecking at all the mn car crashes af

KatieKaboom · 22/05/2016 23:17

If you want to keep a roof over your kids' heads, you have to know- where did that money go? 25k is a vast sum of money.

If you can't face this yourself, can you employ someone as a kind of financial private investigator to untangle it for you?

I understand the urge to bury your head in the sand but please please dig deep and find the courage to face this.

AnyFucker · 22/05/2016 23:26

You don't see a problem here, telly ?

You would rather goad another poster than add something to the thread that is constructive ?

Go you

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread