Need social media advice re oversharing teen

[bluecheque4595]

I have a son who is 15 and thinks himself v handsome. He posts on Instagram and has posted loads of selfies. But. He hashtags everything and has named the town we live in (which is a small town) and his full name and also posted a very clear image of his school tie. I did not know about it til tonight when I looked at my mobile phone and I guess he must have logged into it and not logged out.

I found a man on there, a stranger, posting "You look great!" to him re one of his bazillion moody selfies. I looked at this guy and he has posted his real name and job details. I found him on another social media which I use anonymously.

Is it a reasonable thing to ask him what exactly is his interest in the selfies of my 15 yr old son?

Dh is a company director so if you know ds's surname and the town we live in you could google and find our address straight away. Never mind the selfies in the school uniform. Anyone got any advice?

If he left it logged on in your phone, perhaps he wants you to know that he's getting out if his depth but doesn't know how to broach the subject with you?

Can I ask a question about Instagram? If you have an open/public profile can you see anything about people who look at your photos even if they don't like or comment on them? Does it give you feedback about the number of hits, or clicks on specific photos or the IP addresses of viewers or anything? I'm a bit clueless about this stuff.

If you have an instagram account and someone likes a pic you've posted you click their name and it takes you to their profile.

If it's public you can see everything they've posted, and info about them (name, how many followers/following). But the personal info all depends on how much you include on your profile. Afaik they can't find your IP address but if you've tagged pictures with your location they may be able to work it out.

Or if you post the same pics to fb you could be found via a reverse Google search.

I don't think so, I think it only tells you about people who like or comment on your pictures.

Kids and teens need to be told about where and what the limits are. They are going to get web access no matter what you do.

That's glib post of the day from me!!!

I told him exactly why not to call teachers cunts.

You had to tell a 15yo boy why not to call teachers cunt?? Fucking hell.

Yes Cocktail Queen... do you need further elucidation on my post? I would have thought it was obvious.

A) Dont talk about women like that, that word hates women
B) Saying stuff in the playground is plausibly deniable, saying it in print on the internet is tantamount to getting yourself expelled because you have no power over who will screenshot it and use it against you
C) Well I could go on, about a million other reasons.

Yes, I know why not to, I was just a bit gobsmacked that your son didn't.

Good for you for telling him.

Are you sure he doesn't have a phone?

dss had his confiscated about a year ago and after a week or so we saw something he posted on fb and looked into it as we knew he was nowhere near a PC. Turned out he had rooted out an old phone of mine and also found a SIM card which he had topped up with his debit card.

It's pretty unusual for a teen not to have a mobile phone these days.

To the poster who referred to a drama about internet safety for teens.

It's Cyberbully with Maisie Williams of Game Of Thrones

It's both brilliant and terrifying

If you have Sky it's on the On Demand somewhere just search it.

Try the Internet Matters site as well - it's a site specifically for parents with lots of advice and links.

Maybe limit the devices he can access social media on?

Do you have a desktop/laptop?

Maybe use something like www.qustodio.com/en/
to restrict the devices and only allow access on a desktop or laptop?

I use this app for my son's tablet, other apps might suit you better but you can limit the usage as well as content and what websites can be accessed. Maybe put it on all mobile devices so social media can't be accessed?

We were dirt poor with three teenagers and could not see any arguments that convince that they really needed mobile phones. And now we have more money we still feel we would rather that they did not have smart phones. My son has access to one of your most basic bog standard phones but it has no internet access.

Limiting their access to devices has helped us not have more phone problems I think. They now share my old ipad. I don't think son has a phone I don't know about.

He's posting that his teacher is a cunt yet you still think he is 'as innocent as a newborn lamb'
He sounds like he knows it all and he has little or no respect for anyone including his teachers and you.
He's certainly not a naïve, innocent little boy imo.

He needs to grow up pdq and stop preening himself in public.

I tell my dd when she looks a bit idiotic on Instagram

I've asked her not to post endless trout pouting photos and she has cut them down a lot. We all take the piss out of her for it. Its quite healthy tbh otherwise the endless narcissism is really repulsive

Yea, I don't see the need for teens to have flashy mobiles. It's a tricky situ. My son can be incredibly stubborn and unlistening sometimes, he usually comes around in the end though.
Cyberbully is quite a good drama with Massive Williams. It's not about selfies but is about the perils of the Internet

One of my pals has a daughter who got mugged for her smart phone, and my kids have previous form for leaving things on buses etc, so, couldn't see the point of keeping them in expensive toys they could easily lose.

Son does have respect generally. I mean he sometimes treats his teachers like gods. He also loves Malcolm Tucker and The Thick of It and loves a good swear, but I don't tolerate him swearing at people in anger. Quoting telly, okay but not swearing at people. He was in a discussion with odious friends from school and he is easily led. They were all saying all kinds of horrible stuff about the teachers and he was just keeping his end up in the discussion, posting and not engaging the brain. I don't honestly think it is his habit to think or speak of teachers like that.

Re the selfies, I said to him, "Why don't we get you an enormous floor to ceiling mirror and you can stare at your beautiful haircut in that and do as much duck face as you like, just think long and hard about posting pics on social media.

His argument was "I don't take as many selfies as my friends.". That his answer to everything, there is always another kid who does it more. I said in four years time you will be applying for a job, and when they discover your 5 billion selfies on Instagram they will NOT expect you to be a hardworking candidate.

You really don't sound as if you're taking control of this. You're also minimising a lot and seem unwilling to see what kind of person your son is becoming. Tbh it sounds like you could do with going on a parenting course.

Baconyum, teach me. You sound like the source of all knowledge. Could I perhaps be your disciple?

You seem in awe of your kids!! It's weird....YOU are the boss! They should be in awe of YOU! But I don't think they are.

Bacon was being kind when she suggested a parenting course. Parenting is hard work!!

We watched this today (dss was home from school 'sick') - we were looking for the thing mentioned above, coulnd't find it, but found this - it actually IS about selfies and what employers see etc.

We all found it interesting, lots of 'oh my god, I'd never do that!' from dss. Lots of 'people are such idiots' from me.

www.channel4.com/programmes/troy-cyber-hijack

Fuck I'm no parenting expert! And don't claim to be. But everyone on mn has their 'areas of expertise. I've had some great advice regarding dd especially when she was younger as my work and voluntary background is more teens. If dd could've gone from 9 months to 13 yrs overnight it would've been much easier

Regarding online safety it used to be a part of a job I did so that pre-armed me before dd hit that age. The biggest problem as you've mentioned op is parents being less au fait and less comfortable with the technology than the teens, so something else you might find useful is a local course in social media?

Where I am (Scotland) libraries occasionally run these for parents, so they know how the various apps/sites work and how they make children vulnerable. There are similarities across them all but there are also app specific issues (eg Facebook privacy settings need to be checked regularly as when you update the apps sometimes it resets to public - pita!)

But mainly the issue you seem to be having is lacking confidence in setting boundaries for your son, if he were to do something REALLY out of order (not saying he would) like violence, stealing... what would you do? I do think it helps to have a sliding scale of consequences for various things in your own head at least. You need somewhere to go (as in not 'You're grounded for life' when they're 5 mins late home) but it also helps for them to know there are limits (you ever do x y z I WILL ground you for life!).

I hope that makes sense I'm half asleep.

You and I aren't so different. Dd is allowed to swear at home, even in anger (but not at me) but she knows I would NOT be happy if she were to do so at school or around older relatives eg. I also accept she probably swears when with her friends, like if they're at each others houses, but she knows if it got back to me she'd sworn AT someone there'd be consequences.

I'm still apparently though 'the strictest parent ever' meh if that means she's safe and happy mostly I'll crack on.