Need social media advice re oversharing teen

[bluecheque4595]

I have a son who is 15 and thinks himself v handsome. He posts on Instagram and has posted loads of selfies. But. He hashtags everything and has named the town we live in (which is a small town) and his full name and also posted a very clear image of his school tie. I did not know about it til tonight when I looked at my mobile phone and I guess he must have logged into it and not logged out.

I found a man on there, a stranger, posting "You look great!" to him re one of his bazillion moody selfies. I looked at this guy and he has posted his real name and job details. I found him on another social media which I use anonymously.

Is it a reasonable thing to ask him what exactly is his interest in the selfies of my 15 yr old son?

Dh is a company director so if you know ds's surname and the town we live in you could google and find our address straight away. Never mind the selfies in the school uniform. Anyone got any advice?

You sound like a complete walkover.

And he was in a discussion group with other boys posting how they wished death and other terrible things on one teacher. As well as calling them a cunt.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt OP. You "innocent as a newborn lamb" son is running rings around you.

Episode 2 of '24hrs in Police Custody' demonstrates what you are wary of. It is on ch4 catch-up and might be good to watch together.
However, I think it's just as important for him to be aware of the personal future consequences of his online profile. Future employers and university admissions could well be searching applicants. He is of age where he really needs to be mindful about what he shares. Also important for him to know that the police do pursue the authors of offensive or threatening comments. I thought these things would be discussed as a child grows up around technology and social media. He's probably far more aware of these things than you are!

You're not violating his privacy, he surrendered that when he posted this stuff on the Internet.

I have 15 dss who lives with us, so I know exactly what they are like. We've had enough online traumas already but I expect there will be more.

Thanks for positive advice, but Chippednailvarnish thanks for being so rude. I am here to ask for advice so I need advice, which is why I posted. I wasn't really looking for insults. Yes, maybe I am a walkover, but my son manages to appear very mature in his dealings with things in life so I tend to trust I know what he is doing online, which is why yesterday was such a horrorshow. I will have a good talk with him today. I am not looking forward to it.

Jingle, yes I agree he needs to worry about future employers etc. His pictures are of moody selfies and sunsets, so thank god nothing much else as far as I could see. I am no longer logged in with the phone. It is my phone, not his, it takes decent photos which must be why it was logged in yesterday, he must have been using it to post to instagram. My kids don't have mobile phones (which hopefully minimises the risks of them doing stupid stuff) but they do have my old work Ipad which they share. And from it a world of selfies come.

I have screenshotted the CEOP page with relevant information on it and will show it to my son, and will look out for 24hrs in Police Custody.

I often check my children's internet presence to make sure they have all their privacy settings as they should be. If they don't, and I see or read stuff they've shared and tell them about it, they are mortified, embarrassed and furious and tell me to stop stalking and being weird.

And I tell them the only bloody reason I am stalking them is to make sure that other people can't/won't and if I can see personal stuff which might be damaging or in some way used against them then so can everyone else. I refuse to feel ashamed for looking out for my own kids. They need to learn the consequences of lax use of social media and I'd rather they learnt it from me than learn it the hard way.

Good point, Mardleburn.

My son and I sat down together pulled up the internet - chat rooms, message boards, etc (I don't think Instagram was a thing yet) - and we followed chats and messages between people and I pointed out the suspicious messages, the lies, the grooming and how it all worked - using random postings we just pulled up. I asked him questions - why would a grown man ask a 14-year-old girl her school's location? Do you really think a 13-year-old girl would write a message using those words and phrases? Does that sentence sound like something a 15-year-old boy would write? Why would a 32-year-old may be chatting with tweens about stupid stuff? Things like that. By the time we were done, my son wasn't buying anything anonymous internet posters were selling. And he understood how it can be hard to tell at first, but just because someone claims to be a 14-year-old girl doesn't mean they actually are. But, I had to show him in real time and he also saw how common it was. You might try that - just pull up a chat and ask your son - what do you think is the real motive behind this question by this poster?

Bubbling ups idea is good but doesn't address what your son is posting.

Chipped may have been somewhat blunt but not necessarily wrong.

What exactly have you told him so far?

I've had a running dialogue with dd (now 15) since she was 11 about her online profile. But have been discussing the danger of predators most of her life - in age appropriate ways.

From 13 when she started getting her own accounts the rule has been I have access to them including passwords and if she posted anything dodgy she lost her electronics for a time dependant on the incident. She's not posted anything bad for about a year (liked a post describing a celeb as a slut).

She's never posted anything offensive but she has occasionally posted things too identifying/wearing swimwear & posing provocatively etc. for which she's been admonished and lost her electronics. Having access also meant I knew when she was being bullied by supposed friends (they knew I could see her profiles they didn't know I could see her pm's ).

It's definitely an issue for future college/uni/apprenticeships/jobs it's standard practice to check online profiles now. Dodgy usernames are frowned on too.

So...you need to impress upon him

Danger of predators
Not offending people (which can be a criminal offence and as a pp said teens have been prosecuted for this, police and ceop are clamping down)
Effects on his future prospects.

Is his profile set to private? Does he realise that of you hashtag something then anyone who searches for that hashtag will see his post, private or not. A lot of people don't realise this.

I think he sounds naive and I think you need to be very frank about the possible consequences of his actions.

Agree with Chipped. He's 15 fgs not a small child. You need to be direct with him. If you aren't able to have this chat with him then why have you allowed him to be on social media?
He doesn't sound all that naive, sounds more like you are. His comment about the teacher is horrible, doesn't sound like an 'innocent' teen to me.

Cyberbully with Maisie Williams is I think the film referred to up there. It's still on download as I watched it this week.

Seriously Op get your head out of your arse! What was the punishment for a 12/13 year old discussing the deaths of teachers and calling one of them a cunt? It appears to me that your 'trust' of your son is a green light for him to carry on being an ignorant shit, whilst being a convenient parenting cop out for yourself.

If you really are at a loss at what to do, get professional support or read books but for gods sake, do something. Hand wringing isn't an effective protection against online predators or raising an self absorbed attention whore.

I haven't read the full feed but if you go on you tube and search ceop they have some very good but very harrowing videos about this

Maybe ask him what he hopes to achieve by posting lots of sultry pictures of himself online.

I think you've got plenty of good advice from PPs about your teen.

But regarding your DH, get him to change the details on companies house to his work address, having your home address on there is asking for trouble. It's amazing the number of people who do this, then wonder why they get targeted.

If you're a director and the company is registered at your home, as mine is, it has to be your home address.

As a side note, in my job I've recently looked at applications for trainees for my team. One of the first things I do is check social media.

I had one who we chose not to interview because while his cv was great (great exam results good degree) his Facebook and Instagram were full of "can't be arsed to go to work today #sickie #hangover #drunkonmonday" did not make a great impression.

I'm not saying I've never called in sick on a Monday when I was younger due to hangover from the weekend. I was just sensible enough not to post it online.

Thanks for all the positive replies. People who want to attack me, thanks for nothing, as usual I have found this place to be mostly positie but negative enough to make me run and hide again. Honestly, I post looking for advice, if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing and feel great about how awesomely better parents you are than me. You win. Classy.

Having a good talk to my son now and have resolved a lot of things. Naivete and stupidity are his main characteristics.

MuttonCadet good idea. Just asked dh but he says his work address varies so it has to be his home address.

Nyama I asked him lots of questions about the hashtags. He said "I do it instead of captioning pictures". I explained it is like a megaphone to all the creeps and weirdos out there who follow things like "#menshair" and this is why some muscular looking hairdresser in New York is admiring his selfie. He said he posts for the sake of his school friends. I think he had not thought through the implications of posting hashtags. He doesn't think more than about two seconds ahead. I have given him loads of conditions and provisos and things he must never post, like our house pictures, our town name, his surname, his school uniform pics, hashtag of his high school, etc etc and he has set it private and changed his name to just first name not surname. I tried to get him to change his name to something anonymous like my username here but he wanted to "think about it" .

You don't need to register your company at your "home address" - why on God's green earth would you when you can get an official office address for as little as 49 a year?

I don't know Hildur. I am not dh. He says it has to be the home address.

I assume that was to me? There's no need to be so rude. I've never seen anywhere offering it for £49 a year but even if they do, my comment was merely that you have to have the Co registered address logged at Companies House. So, if the Co reg address is his home address it has to be there.
Sure he can change the reg address, there could be a number of reasons he doesn't want to or can't.

As a starting point, make sure his security settings on Instagram and Facebook are tight. Needs to be private.
This is pretty normal teenage behaviour, but I agree dangerous. it terrifies me that many see no issue with going to meet old men (girls) from Instagram, and often parents blissfully unaware.

I would talk to him about the dangers (people not being who you think they are, where photos can end up, once you've posted something online you've lost control of it...) and also contact the school, they probably already do stuff around social media but if not they need too!