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Original poster

Need social media advice re oversharing teen

99 replies

bluecheque4595 · 21/05/2016 23:01

I have a son who is 15 and thinks himself v handsome. He posts on Instagram and has posted loads of selfies. But. He hashtags everything and has named the town we live in (which is a small town) and his full name and also posted a very clear image of his school tie. I did not know about it til tonight when I looked at my mobile phone and I guess he must have logged into it and not logged out.

I found a man on there, a stranger, posting "You look great!" to him re one of his bazillion moody selfies. I looked at this guy and he has posted his real name and job details. I found him on another social media which I use anonymously.

Is it a reasonable thing to ask him what exactly is his interest in the selfies of my 15 yr old son?

Dh is a company director so if you know ds's surname and the town we live in you could google and find our address straight away. Never mind the selfies in the school uniform. Anyone got any advice?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/05/2016 11:52

Naivete and stupidity are his main characteristics ... He doesn't think more than about two seconds ahead

He's surely not alone in that at 14, and yet still some parents allow unsupervised access to the net? Confused

Also agree about employers checking online activity; it's extremely common and for good reason. A friend's son was in the process of applying to join the police, then holidayed in Spain and plastered details of his arrest for D&D all over Facebook, as well as close-upshots of his backside and more

He was surprised to learn from a police contact that this played a major part in his rejection... and of course that was all someone else's fault too Hmm

HildurOdegard · 22/05/2016 11:58

That was QUITE the overreaction outtogetyou! Hmm

OutToGetYou · 22/05/2016 12:35

Hardly Hildur, I found your outcry of "why on God's green earth" we quite rude. So to say there was no need to be rude wasn't an overreaction.

Having said that, I find this subsequent post of yours an overreaction so your posting style is obviously just hyperbolic.

Numbkinnuts · 22/05/2016 12:39

Social media eh ?

And we think our children are immature.

Come on please Smile

randomcatname · 22/05/2016 13:01

haha good point :)

Chippednailvarnishing · 22/05/2016 13:03

You might think i'm rude op, but it will be a cold say in hell when my DCs call their teachers cunts and are then given unrestricted internet access.

Innocent your son is not.

MardleBum · 22/05/2016 13:08

Ememem and that is EXACTLY the sort of thing I warn my kids about if I see them saying or doing anything on social media that might be used against them later. They don't believe me, so thank you.

Original poster
bluecheque4595 · 22/05/2016 13:34

D
Chippednailvarinish, I already posted that okay maybe innocent was the wrong choice of words. I absolutely read him the riot act over that and spelt out in no uncertain terms he could be expelled and his life ruined over words like that about teachers. He was in a discussion group with some incredibly odous friends, he is a bit easily led. This was on Facebook and I told him exactly why not to call teachers c ts.

The Instagram thing is recent, like a couple of months, and he is making new mistakes. He now knows what he should do.

If you read my words carefully I have not characterised him as innocent, I fully agree he has been naive and stupid and hasnt put any thought into his online interaction. So please put your guns down and stop having a go at me and read my words, I am not saying he is innocent, he is guilty as sin. And I am doing my best as I am sure you are too. So please stop picking a fight with an empty room.

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Chippednailvarnishing · 22/05/2016 13:43

No one is picking a fight.

You're being defensive of both you and your child's behaviour, particularly at the start of this thread. I don't personally think he's half as naive as you're so keen to make out.

And as for I tried to get him to change his name to something anonymous like my username here but he wanted to "think about it", why us it a negotiation? This concerns his safety, I certainly wouldn't be negotiating.

I'll leave you to it op as your ideas about what is appropriate acceptable behaviour for what is essentially a child certainly don't tally with mine.

Original poster
bluecheque4595 · 22/05/2016 13:46

Ememem yes it is very useful to hear of concrete examples of where things go wrong. I asked son about how he would feel about employers seeing his sultry selfie pics. And he looked like the thought never crossed his mind.

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Ememem84 · 22/05/2016 13:46

mardle no probs. It's one of those- would I have judged if the post about being hungover had been made on a Sunday? No.

When I receive a cv I do check. Especially if the person I'm checking is currently working. If they're posting all the time during the day (9-5) then to me it says that they're not focussed on work. So why should I give them a chance.

I have all my pictures from uni on my Facebook. But locked down so only I can see them. I locked everything down before changing jobs. Just in case.

It's also a good idea to change profile pictures to something vaguely sensible.

I recently started an Instagram profile. I post stuff every day or so. But nothing I would consider to be contentious (as it's easily searchable and I think that if they were so inclined clients at work could search for me and look). Mostly food and travel pics.

my rule is, "would I share this with grandma?" If not, it doesn't get posted.

Original poster
bluecheque4595 · 22/05/2016 13:47

Chipped, I think you are determined to fight so please don't be offended if I ignore you from now on.

I came on here looking for advice not for a fight.

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Original poster
bluecheque4595 · 22/05/2016 13:57

Apple1992 Yes, I have got him to set his page to private settings and have banned any local pics and also selfies. I have said he can post one once a month. Take them and print them for the in house photo albums or noticeboard but think long and hard about posting the online.

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apple1992 · 22/05/2016 14:03

I think selfies are fine (I wouldn't take them, but that's teen culture now) and that would be hard to police. Just watch the privacy stuff. Are you 'friends' with him on fb/instagram, so you can monitor?

Original poster
bluecheque4595 · 22/05/2016 14:09

Personally I am on Facebook and twitter, I am not on Instagram cos I don't see the point of it myself. I am friends with him on Facebook but none of my kids use it much. I try to respect privacy but obviously I am erring on giving them too much freedom so I will ask them to show me their pages from now on. When I was their age I kept a written diary, and nobody ever read it but me, and I have enouraged them to keep written diaries as a means of safely sharing thoughts and keeping control of their audience.

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Hulababy · 22/05/2016 15:08

He will have had tons of Internet Safety stuff at school. I'd be incredibly surprised if not. Heck I even teach my 5/6 year old y1s about keeping personal data private online!

Have a look at ThinkYouKnow website re e-safety. And CEOP. For advice.

I would be having stern words. And if he can't follow basic e safety rules he had no social media. At 15 he is a child still and needs to be following basic guidelines in order to retain his social media access.

Make sure he sets his Instagram (and other social media such as FB, snapchat, etc) to maximum settings. There is no reason to have strangers seeing and commenting on his Instagram if he sets his account to private. Which it should be. And his online friends should be people he actually knows in real life in some way.

It's time to sit down and lay down some online rules.?

Original poster
bluecheque4595 · 22/05/2016 17:15

Thanks Hulababy, yes I have. And will continue to check regularly. I am trying to balance a fine line between trusting him to do the right thing and being a parent, keeping him safe. I am naive myself because I was the most square and careful young person and was very aware of stranger danger myself, I tend to assume my kids will be like me and then it is a shock when they are not. I had to spell out to him that you don't want some weird stranger somewhere else in the UK posting flattering responses to your selfies. He seemed to think it was okay as long as he ignored their post. So I said they should not be able to see your post in the first place.

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SoThatHappened · 22/05/2016 18:40

I'd tell him if he brings any trouble directly to your door as a result of him being lax with his whole families security, you will bring a torment down upon that will make him look moody for real rather than fake moody in his numerous pathetic and narcissistic selfies.

Yes I would say that to him...he is being pathetic.

Baconyum · 22/05/2016 20:38

I'm curious you've not mentioned any consequences (have I missed that?)

Also re 'not seeing the point' of Instagram, not my interest either but if my dd on them I'm on it to keep an eye on her. Also worth knowing a lot of teens think as they're 'instantly deleted' from the app that means they're gone from everywhere forever - the opposite is true, once online there's always someone somewhere that can access, manipulate and use.

Yes I've known a few youngsters now miss out on jobs, uni places etc due to posting daft things online

AnyFucker · 22/05/2016 21:50

OP, you do realise you are in charge don't you ?

while you pay his mobile phone bill and the WiFi subscription you get to set the ground rules. Not him.

You sound a bit frightened of his disapproval.

Original poster
bluecheque4595 · 22/05/2016 22:22

I often take the social media away from the children when they do something I don't like, so I suppose a consequence would be that I take away access.

He didn't give me any attitude today, he seemed as if it had not occurred to him that he was doing something risky.

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Original poster
bluecheque4595 · 22/05/2016 22:29

He doesn't own a phone. He and my daughter share my old Ipad.

i know I am in charge. Just difficult because I have no precedent from my own experience, the internet was not around when I was young.

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AnyFucker · 22/05/2016 22:34

No, it wasn't for me either. It's no excuse to not act decisively though.

hairyfreckle · 22/05/2016 22:35

I don't want to frighten you OP- but here is a story for you.

Back when I was a young teen me and my friends would mess around on MSN chatroom. A lot of the guys were older and would flash us on webcam. Obviously as teenagers we thought it was a big laugh.

We didn't think about "the dangers of it all"- we actually arranged to meet up with one guy who openly admitted he was 23 (we were 14/15 at the time) and promised he would buy us booze and cigarettes. We didn't go in the end (friend was grounded and me and my other friend decided not to go without her). We were young, we wanted to get drunk and have a good time. This guy had been sending us sexually explicit messages and honestly who knows what could of happened

Now i'm in my late 20s and have my own DDs- well, let's just say if someone did it to one of mine I would be behind a tall barbed wire fence for a very long time.

Original poster
bluecheque4595 · 22/05/2016 22:36

Well Anyfucker, that is what this thread is for, I guess lots of other mums have been through this and thus I will get inspiration.

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