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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To be unreasonable to want the ex-partner to just piss off?

53 replies

timefliesby · 20/05/2016 11:18

I'm getting married in the summer. We've been together 3.5 years. I love him deeply, our relationship is amazing. But.

We have children at school in different towns, we have no plans to live together full time. He is with me usually around 5 nights a week, sometimes less as he can work from home.

Unfortunately, this leaves a gap whereby a few nights a week we are not together. His ex (who lives close to him) generally calls him about his daughter when I am not there. I know this because when he has changed his schedule from the norm and I am with him, she offers to call back when I am not there (so as not to impede on our evening together according to him). I told him he should tell her I am quite happy to be there when she calls so I can see what minutiae she's calling about.

Previously she has invited him to various things - to share a cake for her birthday, family meals out with their child and her other child (no relation to my fiancé), invites to festivals etc. This has all but stopped now as I put my foot down (except when it's their daughter's birthday which I have no issue with, although it might be nice to be invited too at some point!)

My fiancé says they speak 2-3 times a week, their daughter is 11.

Last night he said he "enjoys her friendship and she makes him laugh."
This has properly pissed me off to the point where I actually wonder whether I am being naive going ahead with the wedding. I understand they need to have a relationship for the sake of their daughter but cosy little chats where she makes him laugh right royally annoy me.

She isn't with anyone else and I am sure that she would not call as much if she had someone else to rely on. Last night he let it drop that she has told him she's very stressed at the moment, finding life difficult etc.

I told him they may have ended the relationship but they are emotionally dependent still. He denies this. Says I am the only one for him, that I am the only woman he has ever wanted to marry etc etc.

Still pissed off though. Should I get over it or do you think I have reason to be worried?

OP posts:
NoFuchsGiven · 20/05/2016 11:22

It sounds a very bizarre set up for all involved Confused

Original poster
timefliesby · 20/05/2016 11:25

NoFuchsGiven it's not ideal, I don't want to move at the moment, my parents live locally and my father isn't very well.

OP posts:
Herald · 20/05/2016 11:36

I have an exw who would like us to be more friends than we are , we talk about the things we need to with regards to our Dd also 11 but that's it as far as I am concerned. It is strange (in my opinion) to be so close and supporting and something I wouldn't like to do, Not sure why you would get married and not live together 100% of the time ??

Original poster
timefliesby · 20/05/2016 11:44

Herald loads of reasons, I own a house that I sweated blood renovating, my children go to school locally, my parents live nearby and one of them is quite sick, he lives in a city and I'm done with cities, I have a very good job locally.
We're at a stage in life where I love him and want to be with him but don't want to give up everything I have worked for for him. He won't move as he has 50/50 care of his daughter which I understand. She comes first.

OP posts:
ManonCrempog · 20/05/2016 11:50

I have this kind of relationship with my XH. He's a brilliant guy. I don't see why we shouldn't be friends just because the nature of out relationship has changed.
Might make you feel better to know that there is no romantic feeling there at all, just deeply platonic.

Peanutbutterrules · 20/05/2016 11:58

Its great that they have a good relationship for their daughters sake, and co - parenting is really important. But honestly...this sound a bit too cosy.

WannaBe · 20/05/2016 12:04

It's IMO far better for ex's to have positive relationships rather than to hate each other.

They're presumably ex's for a reason.

It's IMO far more normal to have a positive relationship with an ex than it is to marry someone you have no intentions of living with.

You sound incredibly insecure and possessive. They have a child together, they're still friends and can have a decent discussion about things. There's nothing wrong with that IMO. Your insistence that she call when you're there sounds like jealousy and possessiveness on your part.

ElspethFlashman · 20/05/2016 12:05

Wait, isnt it a good thing that he likes her?

Maybe she is very funny? Maybe she is just a decent person who's totally normal?

Their DD gets to see her parents getting on and having a laugh and being at ease with each other. Surely thats good for her?

They're obviously mates. They were probably better friends than romantic partners. Equally obviously you dont want him to be her mate at all.

I think what you're asking for is such a remote dynamic that their daughter will inevitably pick up on the change. You seem to be looking for a "no contact unless strictly neccessary" arrangement.

I think its more indicative of your insecurity than anything else.

Original poster
timefliesby · 20/05/2016 12:10

Ur that's not what I said WannaBe.
I don't insist on being there when they speak. I just think she shouldn't hang up if she finds I am in the background when she calls. After all, if it's just friendly, they should be able to talk about whatever it is she's calling about in front of me right?

For the record, they mainly talk when I am not there.

OP posts:
NoFuchsGiven · 20/05/2016 12:14

What is your relationship like with your dc's dad? Just wondering if that may be clouding your judgement on their parenting relationship.

WannaBe · 20/05/2016 12:15

But perhaps if she knows how insecure and jealous you are she feels that calling when you're there causes problems for him.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 20/05/2016 12:19

You sound incredibly insecure and possessive. They have a child together, they're still friends and can have a decent discussion about things. There's nothing wrong with that IMO. Your insistence that she call when you're there sounds like jealousy and possessiveness on your part

This! I honestly don't see the problem with them being friends, and it's great that they arefor their sakes and, most importantly, their DDs.

You need to work on your jealousyand insecurities, otherwise it will have a massively detrimental effect on your marriage.

Original poster
timefliesby · 20/05/2016 12:19

You know his best mate is a woman. I think she's absolutely great, I am now wonderful friends with her. I am not insecure per se.

I am insecure about the relationship with his ex because I am unsure as to her intentions. I didn't always know about the family meals out. There was a "knee grabbing" incident from her which he says was "an accident"...There was "a boys night out" he was invited to, which transpired to not be boys only as his ex went (it was a goodbye party for some mutual friends of theirs that went abroad). He swears he was told it was a boys night out and I believe him...the people who organised the party are mutual friends of him and his ex. Could have been they thought it would be awkward if I went along but on the other hand could have been a conspiracy to get them both at the same party without me. Did that come from her? I don't know. I don't know what her intentions are. I don't trust her.

OP posts:
Original poster
timefliesby · 20/05/2016 12:21

She doesn't know me Wannabe. We've met maybe twice in three years. My partner doesn't talk about me tin a negative way to her. He's not that kind of guy.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 20/05/2016 12:43

A conspiracy???

Seriously?

DaveCamoron · 20/05/2016 12:46

Are you wearing a tinfoil hat OP?

Original poster
timefliesby · 20/05/2016 12:48

Slightly tongue in cheek Elspeth but yes. I do wonder whether the ex was involved in getting him there sans moi.

OP posts:
Original poster
timefliesby · 20/05/2016 12:50

Anyway doesn't seem like many of you want to give helpful advice so maybe I'll leave it there as it's quite hurtful.

OP posts:
WannaBe · 20/05/2016 12:53

You are becoming more ridiculous with every post. If you feel that his friends are trying to get them back together by inventing so called boys nights out which are actually none of those things then either you need to ask yourself why it is his friends don't approve of you, or why you are so completely paranoid.

Remember you are the one choosing not to live together. Whose idea was it to get married incidentallY/

Original poster
timefliesby · 20/05/2016 12:54

Helpful Dave.
Really helpful. Well done. You must be proud of yourself.

OP posts:
Original poster
timefliesby · 20/05/2016 12:56

Wannabe why don't you keep your bitchy comments to yourself ey? His mates hadn't met me at that point.

OP posts:
NoFuchsGiven · 20/05/2016 12:57

Op,

You didn't answer my previous post about your relationship with your dc's dad and how you parent your dc?

Littleballerina · 20/05/2016 12:57

They are obviously friends. have you tried to make friends with her?

Original poster
timefliesby · 20/05/2016 13:00

NFG we communicate for the sake of our children.
LB there isn't that kind of opportunity - we live two hours apart.

OP posts:
blindsider · 20/05/2016 13:04

I don't think the OP sounds ridiculous at all - she is not unhappy that her HtB has a relationship with his EX, the problem seems to be that this relationship needs to be conducted with her out of the picture.

They may be exes now but there was a reason they were initially attracted to each other.