To be unreasonable to want the ex-partner to just piss off?

[timefliesby]

I'm getting married in the summer. We've been together 3.5 years. I love him deeply, our relationship is amazing. But.

We have children at school in different towns, we have no plans to live together full time. He is with me usually around 5 nights a week, sometimes less as he can work from home.

Unfortunately, this leaves a gap whereby a few nights a week we are not together. His ex (who lives close to him) generally calls him about his daughter when I am not there. I know this because when he has changed his schedule from the norm and I am with him, she offers to call back when I am not there (so as not to impede on our evening together according to him). I told him he should tell her I am quite happy to be there when she calls so I can see what minutiae she's calling about.

Previously she has invited him to various things - to share a cake for her birthday, family meals out with their child and her other child (no relation to my fiancé), invites to festivals etc. This has all but stopped now as I put my foot down (except when it's their daughter's birthday which I have no issue with, although it might be nice to be invited too at some point!)

My fiancé says they speak 2-3 times a week, their daughter is 11.

Last night he said he "enjoys her friendship and she makes him laugh."
This has properly pissed me off to the point where I actually wonder whether I am being naive going ahead with the wedding. I understand they need to have a relationship for the sake of their daughter but cosy little chats where she makes him laugh right royally annoy me.

She isn't with anyone else and I am sure that she would not call as much if she had someone else to rely on. Last night he let it drop that she has told him she's very stressed at the moment, finding life difficult etc.

I told him they may have ended the relationship but they are emotionally dependent still. He denies this. Says I am the only one for him, that I am the only woman he has ever wanted to marry etc etc.

Still pissed off though. Should I get over it or do you think I have reason to be worried?

What was their relationship like? Were they friends before? What was their break up like? If it was completely amicable and just a loss of those kind of feelings for each other, then it makes sense that the friendship side carried on. Even if it was messy, it's sometimes easier to have a platonic relationship with someone once the pressure of being in a relationship is over. I've stayed friends with most of my exes, and only had those friendships end because their new partners have been jealous and/or insecure. It hurts to be cut off by a friend when you haven't done anything wrong.

I don't think your being completely unreasonable, but I do think you should speak to your DP about it. Just mention that it's ok for him to take phone calls from her when you are there, unless it's in the middle of a date night or something, and that you'd rather they be able to do that than almost hide it from you, as it sometimes seems like she has something to say that she wouldn't say in front of you and it makes you a bit uncomfortable. Just make sure he knows that you are ok with him being friends with her (you really should be ok about it, if you fully trust him and are going to marry him), but you want to feel less excluded, or something like that

OP I think you're focusing on the wrong thing. It's great that your dp and his ex are friends. As she gets older, this is going to be helpful (not playing one parent off the other, celebrating big birthday etc) and you acknowledge that.
For me, the issue is that you are separate and I wouldn't like that. You and your dp are a unit - so if there is a family thing, you should also be invited. There is no need to keep phone calls (which are presumably to sort child related things) a secret.
Rather than focusing on dp's ex can you push your dp to keep you included?

FWIW my aunt and her ex have this kind of relationship, to the point that when her ex mentioned rowing with his dp, aunt was the level headed friend he needed to realise he was being stupid and had to apologise. It was great for my cousin to grow up seeing this, especially as she is now pregnant and they celebrate together. HOWEVER aunts dp and ex's dp were always involved too, not kept as a separate entity

How financially equal are you? Have you protected your assets? Trust deed etc? Make sure that you do this asap