Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To be unreasonable to want the ex-partner to just piss off?

53 replies

timefliesby · 20/05/2016 11:18

I'm getting married in the summer. We've been together 3.5 years. I love him deeply, our relationship is amazing. But.

We have children at school in different towns, we have no plans to live together full time. He is with me usually around 5 nights a week, sometimes less as he can work from home.

Unfortunately, this leaves a gap whereby a few nights a week we are not together. His ex (who lives close to him) generally calls him about his daughter when I am not there. I know this because when he has changed his schedule from the norm and I am with him, she offers to call back when I am not there (so as not to impede on our evening together according to him). I told him he should tell her I am quite happy to be there when she calls so I can see what minutiae she's calling about.

Previously she has invited him to various things - to share a cake for her birthday, family meals out with their child and her other child (no relation to my fiancé), invites to festivals etc. This has all but stopped now as I put my foot down (except when it's their daughter's birthday which I have no issue with, although it might be nice to be invited too at some point!)

My fiancé says they speak 2-3 times a week, their daughter is 11.

Last night he said he "enjoys her friendship and she makes him laugh."
This has properly pissed me off to the point where I actually wonder whether I am being naive going ahead with the wedding. I understand they need to have a relationship for the sake of their daughter but cosy little chats where she makes him laugh right royally annoy me.

She isn't with anyone else and I am sure that she would not call as much if she had someone else to rely on. Last night he let it drop that she has told him she's very stressed at the moment, finding life difficult etc.

I told him they may have ended the relationship but they are emotionally dependent still. He denies this. Says I am the only one for him, that I am the only woman he has ever wanted to marry etc etc.

Still pissed off though. Should I get over it or do you think I have reason to be worried?

OP posts:

WannaBe · 20/05/2016 13:04

Look, you've asked are you unreasonable to not want his ex, the mother of his child, to have a decent relationship with him and have been told unanimously that yes, you are not only unreasonable but controlling and possessive.

The truth here OP is that a decent relationship with his ex will make a good co parenting experience for his DD. If you attempt to disrupt this fact because of your own insecurities then you run the risk of upsetting the co parenting relationship as well. Parents who don't communicate cannot co parent effectively. New partners who are instrumental in bringing about this lack of communication are therefore responsible in part for the breakdown of a co parenting relationship if they insist on minimal contact.

This woman is going to be in your partner's life for the foreseeable future. She will be at family events such as school concerts, graduations, weddings etc. You are either going to have to learn to accept this fact or walk away from the relationship. The likelihood is that as time moves on they would have less communication anyway, but their communication type would still be there iyswim. They have a shared child who will be that shared child for life. She will far more likely remember the positive relationship her parents had over the fact that her dad's new partner tried to block that relationship. And kids aren't stupid, she'll realise that soon enough.

DaveCamoron · 20/05/2016 13:06

They have a child together, surely it's better and easier if they get on.

The OP can''t just expect her to piss off.

Branleuse · 20/05/2016 13:09

whats the point of getting married if you arent going to live together ??

princessmi12 · 20/05/2016 13:12

I have a suggestion....why don't you and his ex become friends? I mean start talking (maybe on social media) about their daughter,praise the daughter, thank her for little things(find something to get into her good books).
Hopefully this way (with time) she will be at ease around you and you can see what's going on...I'm sure reasonable ex would appreciate friendly new partner of her ex, especially if her child spends time around you.

KittensandKnitting · 20/05/2016 13:19

I don't think the OP sounds unreasonable, controlling or possessive, so many of these posts go nasty because of course as a woman in a relationship with a man who has children from a previous relationship she must automatically be in the wrong and the DC mother must be a saint.

She is just asking for some advise on how to a handle a situation that is making her feel upset. She is not saying it is a bad thing that her fiancé is on good terms with his ex for the sake of their daughter just that it makes her feel uncomfortable that his ex is making moves (in her view) on her soon to be husband.

OP I'm sure you have already but in case not you need to explain to your fiancé that this is making you uncomfortable and whilst he does need to maintain a good relationship with the DC mother, of course he does and trust me this is so much better for everyone concerned it should be only be for the sake of the child. I hope that he supports you in this.

Child or no child I think very few people would be comfortable or happy if the partners ex turned up to social gatherings, "accidentally" touched their knee and generally wanted to have "chit-chats" only when they knew their new partner wasn't around.

princessmi12 · 20/05/2016 13:22

whats the point of getting married if you arent going to live together ??
As long as it works for OP and her fiancé, that's all that matters..

WannaBe · 20/05/2016 13:34

Well, if the ex actually touched his knee during this social gathering which fwiw they were both free to attend given they both knew people there, I would be questioning A, what the DP did/said about it, and B, why he felt the need to tell his now DP about it.

It always strikes me that many partners seem to gain something from telling their new DP all about how the ex, A, wants them back and makes any moves she can (it's always the men who seem to do this) to get him back, and B, telling their DP all the wawful and spiteful things the ex is saying about the now DP. Why?

IMO a lot of the tention exists between ex wives and new partners because there's a man in the middle who is happy to play one off against the other...

Original poster

timefliesby · 20/05/2016 13:36

Branleuse many people do this. There is even a nickname for people like us LATs (living Apart Together) I think it is now 9% of the married population that have this set up. We are not unusual. Many people we tell think it is the perfect set up ;-)

PRINCESS K&K - Thank you for your measured responses. I am trying what little opportunity there is to forge a friendship, but she isn't on social media and we live a good distant away from eachother. Still, I am extremely fond of her daughter and I always ask permission from her mum via my fiance before doing things I think may require her mother's permission. Like my step-daughter asked about makeup for the wedding and I said I could take her to look at some in John Lewis but I asked her mum first if that was ok via my fiance. The response back was positive. We are not at each other's throats and I don't think badly of her as a person. She just sometimes appears to still have feelings for him over and above a friendship.

OP posts:

zoobeedoo · 20/05/2016 13:45

Time flies I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, I would be very uncomfortable with this. I have an exH, my partner has an exW, and I would feel hurt/insecure/stressed out if I found out he was having cosy giggly chats with his ex and meeting up for meals out. He would be devastated if I did the same to him. My ex is not my mate, he is the father of my child and we have a purely functional relationship. And the secrecy of it all would worry me. I see your side totally.

SoleBizzz · 20/05/2016 13:54

Your gut feeling g yells you something is off. Ending calls jyst because you are about.. isn't that indicative of her insecurity? Would make me won't if her intentions too....

Happydappy99 · 20/05/2016 14:04

I get on really well with my ex and we talk on the phone a few times a week. I don't tend to phone when I know he's with his wife because 99% of the time it's about our children and it's easier to talk when she's not trying to join in the conversation.

We still love each other but definitely not in a getting back together kind of way. He's still the father of my children and I care about what happens to him and he's the same with me.

PoundingTheStreets · 20/05/2016 14:18

I think generally it should be perceived as a positive that he gets on so well with the mother of his DC.

You need to examine why the relationship makes you so uncomfortable. It may be to do with the fact that your own relationship with your X isn't as good and therefore you find it hard to understand, or due to the fact that you don't trust your DP. That's a serious issue regardless of whether that lack of trust is entirely your issue or because DP is genuinely behaving in a way that warrants your lack of trust.

Without knowing any of you, none of us can say what you want is unreasonable or not, but if it's making you unhappy it is certainly worth addressing. In your shoes i think I'd start by trying to engineer situations where you and the XW see more of each other. Maybe if you can see her and DP together and get to know her better yourself, it will allay some fears and improve matters.

MusicIsMedicine · 20/05/2016 14:19

I think you're absolutely right to be concerned. Co-parenting relationship is fine, clandestine meals out and hanging up calls when you're there isn't. I would wonder is she calling when she knows you're together and doing the hanging up routine to mess with your head.

He needs to draw better boundaries and give you your place as his partner. Perhaps she sees a way back for them especially since you don't/can't live together and he's doing nothing to dispel her notions by playing alobg with the hanging up calls routine. He needs to help you to feel secure and he's doing the opposite.

I wouldn't trust her either. She hasn't moved on. There's usually a reason for that.

MatrixReloaded · 20/05/2016 14:26

I'm not sure why Op is getting a hard time. Phone calls from an ex about children wouldn't bother me. Phone calls that only happen when I'm not there would bother me a lot.

Original poster

timefliesby · 20/05/2016 14:40

Actually my ex and I have reached a really good place whereby we coparent effectively. We're not friends nor do we need to be. On the very rare occasion I call him, I have no issue with his new partner being there too as I am not saying anything to him that she can't hear. I'm not ringing up for a chat. The relationship with my ex has no bearing on my feelings about my partner's ex. I simply suspect there's more to it than a friendship.

OP posts:

WhatsGoingOnEh · 20/05/2016 14:45

If you don't want to give everything up for him, don't marry him. You'll lose 50% when if you split up.

Haven't you posted about this before? It finds a bell. (Apologies if that wasn't you.)

WannaBe · 20/05/2016 15:05

The key surely though isn't whether the OP trusts the ex, but whether she trusts her DP.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 20/05/2016 15:12

Then the OP could be seen as stalkerish and possibly a little bit kiss arsey (re trying to get in to the ex's good books). I don't think she should chase around after the ex trying to make her like her at all.

princessmi12 · 20/05/2016 15:33

Cantwait
Nothing wrong with being first to offer a friendship ! Op can offer hers and if the ex in question only contacts DP because of their daughter,she won't decline OP's contact and will appreciate her being an adult about the whole thing.

CallMeMaybe · 20/05/2016 15:40

My ex's dp is incredibly insecure about any contact he has with me, to the point she has even banned my DC from talking about me.

Whenever we've had to be at an event or occasion she will either text him constantly or has been known to drop by, just for a minute to make her presence known. It's embarrassing really.

but then my ex gaslights her into thinking that I'm constantly talking about her and telling her and my DC how much I dislike her. While at the same time he told me not so long ago how he'd fucked up his life by being with her.

I wouldn't go back to him if he was the only man on offer, so any issue she might have would be with him not me. And yet he has managed to create a scenario where his ex and his current partner dislike each other

Original poster

timefliesby · 20/05/2016 16:20

MatrixReloaded Zoobeedo and Music is Medecine. I think this is it. The fact the calls are scheduled for when I'm not there. I'll have a chat with my DP.
Thanks for the support.

OP posts:

MusicIsMedicine · 20/05/2016 16:35

Yes. What would she do if you lived together?

I think you should seriously consider your reasons for marriage to someome you can't live with and who has this back door communication with an ex. He could divirce you in a year and take half of everything you've worked so hard for, then end up back with his ex. It happens. Don't give up your security! Especially not to someone who's got nothing to lose and everything to gain and won't move in with you or give you your proper place in his life.

I smell a rat here with his and her behaviour.

FelicityGubbins · 20/05/2016 17:04

I would say that as there is no obvious reason for you not to communicate directly with his ex that you get her phone number and start contacting her yourself. Having to go via your DF to ask if his dd can wear make up at your wedding is odd, you should be able to have these conversations without third party involvement.

KittensandKnitting · 20/05/2016 18:04

I can think of a 101 reasons why she shouldn't communicate directly with the ex.

Can you imagine a man communicating with an ex's OH to discuss shall I play football with DC this weekend?

OP's fiancé has 50:50 custody she doesn't need to communicate with the ex just her fiancé.

You did mention OP you felt that you were worried it was something more? Is that just from the ex not your fiancé? As if it's your fiancé that is an entirely different conversation

Am so glad you came back as I know you said earlier some comments upset you (understandbly so) if you comment in the Step parenting bit of mumsnet you may find next turn you get a but more support

happypoobum · 20/05/2016 19:00

I am a bit confused, although I may have misunderstood.

You say you and DP live two hours apart.

You say he spends five nights a week at your house.

You say he has 50/50 care of DD.

This doesn't all quite add up but maybe I am missing something?

Anyway, have the issues with XW only started to annoy you recently? Has something changed to cause you anxiety? I ask this because I assume if you felt like this from the word go, the relationship wouldn;t have progressed.

Flip

1 2 3