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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do they do this?

56 replies

Bumpk1n · 19/05/2016 20:34

Hello
I've had a couple of threads about my parents hating my OH. I am in the process of looking to find somewhere to live. I've learnt they are controlling emotional abusers.
I'm so upset.
My OH is on a stag do and has asked me to look after the animals for a few days, I often look after them when he has to work away.
When I told my mum I was going to be away for a few nights she launched into one about how I was inconveniencing myself ( we live two minutes from each other it's not exactly an inconvenience) and she kept going on and on.

I've just come round here and checked my phone to see this message from my dad. Why are they so horrible. What do they think it will achieve? Do they think I'll suddenly think oh yes they must be right, I'll break off from the man I love on their say so. They have such a blinkered view on things and because they are both think the same they must be right and I must be wrong.
I'm glad I've got that message. It's actual proof of how they are.
Sorry. I don't know why I'm posting this. I have no one else to talk to

Why do they do this?
OP posts:
Ijustwannabreakfree · 19/05/2016 20:36

Why do they not like him?

Original poster
Bumpk1n · 19/05/2016 20:41

They think he's ugly, hence the trophy comment. They don't like that he doesn't drive. He's passed his theory and got his test booked.
They think he's an alcoholic 'lad' who likes to get pissed all the time. He's not in the slightest. Yes, he goes to watch his football team and have a beer with his friends but what early 30s men don't. My dad doesn't like football or goes to the pub to see his friends.
My OH is a kind, caring, professional, ambitious, selfless, trustworthy individual ( I could go on) but they've decided he's not good enough. Just like my previous relationships, and my sisters.

OP posts:
donajimena · 19/05/2016 20:44

How old are you OP? Not a goady question btw... x

Original poster
Bumpk1n · 19/05/2016 20:46

I'm 27.
There are financial and health reasons why I am still living at home. I am in the process of looking for my own place as I know I need to get out

OP posts:
SelfLoathing · 19/05/2016 23:48

Generally (there are exceptions I know but few) parents care about their children and want them to be happy and thrive. It's a normal biological thing that's hard wired into DNA.

So if your parents are saying stuff like that to you, I'd be more focussed on why they don't like him rather than accusing them of being controlling emotional abusers.

If I had to bet, reading that text, my money is on your dad being right. "where is your self respect" is a very telling message and unlikely to be JUST based on the particular present matter. what else have you done in your relationship that has demonstrated a lack of self respect in your parents eyes? that message is not just about this situation.

LisaMed · 19/05/2016 23:53

I think I remember your previous thread. Any relationship you have is trashed like this.

All I can suggest is do whatever it takes to get the heck out of there. There is no reasoning with crazy.

FeckinCrutches · 19/05/2016 23:56

This has been going on for ages now OP. They have treated you appallingly and you need to start sticking up for yourself.

KittensandKnitting · 20/05/2016 00:25

That's awful, I'm sure you have tied and sorry I've not seen any previous threads but could you sit them down and be very clear you will not put up with this anymore, you appreciate their love and concern but this is your choice and ultimately they are pushing you closer and closer to him!

VimFuego101 · 20/05/2016 00:50

OP, they aren't going to change. How are your plans to move out going?

marryoneorbecomeone · 20/05/2016 01:27

OP it feels from your threads that you can't move on until you can understand why they are behaving like this. On the one hand they're your parents who have raised you and purport to love you, and yet on the other they hurt you in this way, so how can that be? The Toxic Parents book is very interesting. As your parents, and seemingly particularly your dad, seem to be fixated about appearance, I wonder if your father's own appearance concerns him in some way, but he's projecting it on to you? Could he have felt he wasn't attractive enough for your mother? Or that he actually settled in some way for less than he thought he could "get"? The fact that your mother buys into this at some level means there's something about what he's saying which resonates for her too.

I hope you get to the bottom of this and find some peace. And move out! You don't need their approval!

Original poster
Bumpk1n · 20/05/2016 07:35

I have not lost any self respect. In their eyes I am scraping the barrel. They believe I can do much better, because of his looks and because he can't drive. They believe he is using me as taxi service because he can't drive.
They say we look like beauty and the beast.
I am a trophy girlfriend and look like a middle aged mans bit of fluff (OH is 33)
I am made to listen to the ranting at me for hours. I am not allowed to leave the room while this is going on. My dad goes round and round in circles. If I argue back its wrong, if I sit impassively it's wrong.
I am made to look at pictures on his iPad of couples he knows and how well suited they are and that OH and I will never be able to have nice photos like that taken of us.
And that's just the start of it. So yes they are controlling. My OH is a good man and for some reason they have picked up on small things and blown it out of proportion. Just like they have done with my two ex boyfriends and my sisters ex boyfriend.
Kittens I can not make them see or understand. It's their way or no way. They call me a girl and a stupid child.
I am looking for my own place, just a room but due to not being in work long and still on my probation period where my employer could let me go with no notice it's hard.

OP posts:
marryoneorbecomeone · 20/05/2016 07:47

Sweetheart that's abuse.Sad

^I am made to listen to the ranting at me for hours. I am not allowed to leave the room while this is going on. My dad goes round and round in circles. If I argue back its wrong, if I sit impassively it's wrong.
I am made to look at pictures on his iPad of couples he knows and how well suited they are and that OH and I will never be able to have nice photos like that taken of us.^

You are a grown woman and you dad is emotionally abusing you. I'm appalled. Sad
No wonder you're finding it hard to leave, if you've been brow beaten like this for your lifetime.

You're not going to make him see. Please please get out! The same as many abusive partners his need to control will skyrocket if he thinks you're going to leave. I'm worried for you.

RubbishMantra · 20/05/2016 08:16

it sounds as if staying at your OH's will be a welcome, peaceful break from your parents.

I let mine control me for years, to the point I was going to sell my house (at their say so) so I could live near them. I was having counselling at the time, and came to my senses.

Next time your "d"f sits you down for a lecture, and shows you photographs of "perfect looking couples", inform him that this discussion is pointless. And move out as soon as you possibly can.

Are you the youngest by any chance? I ask, because as my parents have got older, they've put pressure on my siblings and I to move to where they live. One sibling lives abroad, my other sibling and I live hundreds of miles away. They're getting on a bit and basically want a free carer.

And you're not alone love, I'd had lengthy emails detailing my short-comings. If I dispute that, they'll go an average of 2 years without speaking to me, they do same with my siblings.

TheNaze73 · 20/05/2016 08:17

Take no notice of them.

seeyounearertime · 20/05/2016 08:22

I am made to listen to the ranting at me for hours. I am not allowed to leave the room while this is going on.

And what happens if you do try to leave the room? do they physically stop you? does your dad physically stop you?

Personally, and this is just me, if i want to leave a room then no one would stop me, physically or otherwise.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/05/2016 08:29

Wow - what a lovey text!!??

Ah bless you. They are still at it then.
You know the answer to that question.
It's because they are THE MOST shallow, twatish, nasty, abusive, toxic, narcissists I've ever had the misfortune to read about.

Either ignore that crappy text or reply with 'ODFOD'
Or just a simple 'Hahahahahaha' would do it.

I know you can't do that but just ignore it.
You'll be out soon then you can ignore them to your hearts content.
Stay strong. You are doing great.

As the penguins say in Madascar - Smile and wave, smile and wave!

ricketytickety · 20/05/2016 08:39

What a nasty message. He's called you 'desperate', a 'convenience', lacking 'self respect' and a 'trophy wife'. And not the person you once were ie you're shit.

Any chance you can drive up to your oh's and stay there until you get your room?

I presume you're afraid of your dad's response to you sticking up for yourself (only natural if you've had a lifetime of this derogatory demeaning talk). So your best response is to simply move out and reduce contact to the bare minimum I'm afraid. If he's nice you can talk, if he's rude and demeaning go silent. It's really unhealthy for you to stay at home if he treats you this way.

ricketytickety · 20/05/2016 08:45

Have you seen the stately homes thread about parents like yours? It's comforting to read about others' dealings with their own dysfunctional parents. The patterns and style of abuse are scarily similar - hence the thread title 'but we took you to stately homes' meaning 'we can't possibly have been abusive, look at all the nice things we have done for you. You're ungrateful etc etc etc' which I guess you probably get an earful of if you dare step out of line.

Original poster
Bumpk1n · 20/05/2016 08:51

Sorry can't reply properly, it's upsetting me. Will reply after work x

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 20/05/2016 08:53

You need to get away from them asap. Making you sit in a room while they rant at you is quite extreme abuse - you do not ever have to submit to that, ever. Is it possible to move in with your bf, even just for a couple of weeks until you sort a new place?

PestilentialCat · 20/05/2016 09:07

They sound awful Sad

TheHobbitMum · 20/05/2016 09:52

Can you stay with your boyfriend (or move in with him?) until you find a room. Your parents will never change, never accept your boyfriends and you need to leave asap!

Cocoabutton · 20/05/2016 10:00

Huge sympathies, my parents were like this, even after I left home, every relationship I had. I have been completely NC for a year now. It is hard, but you will never understand that kind of behaviour. I don't have practical advice at the moment as need to work, but sending you sympathy and strength to trust yourself and believe in yourself Flowers

icedcherrytea · 20/05/2016 10:22

Best thing you'll ever do is remove yourself from their grasp. Start making plans to move out as soon as possible. Even if it's lodging with your new man for a bit.

Flowers