Why do they do this?

[Bumpk1n]

Hello
I've had a couple of threads about my parents hating my OH. I am in the process of looking to find somewhere to live. I've learnt they are controlling emotional abusers.
I'm so upset.
My OH is on a stag do and has asked me to look after the animals for a few days, I often look after them when he has to work away.
When I told my mum I was going to be away for a few nights she launched into one about how I was inconveniencing myself ( we live two minutes from each other it's not exactly an inconvenience) and she kept going on and on.

I've just come round here and checked my phone to see this message from my dad. Why are they so horrible. What do they think it will achieve? Do they think I'll suddenly think oh yes they must be right, I'll break off from the man I love on their say so. They have such a blinkered view on things and because they are both think the same they must be right and I must be wrong.
I'm glad I've got that message. It's actual proof of how they are.
Sorry. I don't know why I'm posting this. I have no one else to talk to

They say he's ugly ??? And therefore not good enough for you.....
What....???
Good grief....

OP for you

This is just awful to read, since when did looks, not having a car/being able to drive and having a pet make you a terrible person!

Partners do things for each other, my DP used to drive me places because I didn't have a car (really didn't need one where I was living) and shock horror if I went away for a few days would feed my (now our) cats. I cannot imagine in a million years his parents judging me for this if they did he would have told them to bugger off.

As for looks, well that's just horrible.

Could you try the letter approach? Write down everything and actually send it to them so they know how your feeling about this? If they continue to meddle (putting it mildly) maybe you should consider moving away so at least you can get some physical distance between you and them for a while.

Just a quick reply on my lunch break.
I am the eldest of two. My sister is a few years younger and due to a really good job managed to buy her first house last December. She also met her boyfriend last December and so far he has not met the parents, I wonder why... Parents have also expressed their 'concerns' as he doesn't drive and they think he is too old. Sister is 24 and her boyfriend has just turned 31.
If I try to walk away from the arguments I get told to sit down, I'm not done finishing talking to you, while you're in my house you will listen to what I have to say. I'm not physically restrained. If I do walk away to my room and shut the door often they will come upstairs as the conversation isn't over until they say so.
Yes I am OHs 'taxi service' but he has paid for every meal bar his bday meal that I insisted on paying, he's paid for the flights and hotels for two city breaks we have been on this year. One of which must have cost him a fortune for my birthday. He cooks me a Sunday lunch nearly every Sunday and does most of the cooking if I stay over in the week ( which is rare due to the aggro I get) so he more than makes up for me driving him around.
Their other big issue is what they perceive to be his excessive alcohol intake. My parents hardly drink, a couple of glasses of wine on special occasions. They see getting drunk as un lady like. OH was invited to a family BBQ last summer, he did all the cooking as he likes BBQing and he did drink a fair few bottles of beer but nothing excessive in my eyes anyway, his behaviour didn't change he wasn't acting drunk. However parents think it was an excessive amount and he has a drink problem. It was no more than I've seen other men at BBQs drink at an all day BBQ!
I don't think a letter would work. They don't listen when I speak to them, the written word will have no more meaning.

You can't reason with unreasonable people. Try to detach from explaining and/or justifying things to them. They are truly OMG awful.

Can you not move in with your boyfriend while you find a place?

No, the only thing that will work is you leaving their grip.

Why do they do this? Because they want you to remain a convenience to them, and are threatened by your attachment to someone outside of their home. Heaven forbid you should have a life and make choices of your own!

Please don't try to reason with them or win them over - it won't work. Just carry on doing what you feel is right for you.

All the best.

We have been together since last April, as yet neither of us has mentioned me moving in and I'm fine with that, it's his house.
I think it might be mentioned soon though, regardless of all this shit, because he messaged me the other day saying he misses me and we need to spend more time together and when he is back from the stag we will sort it out. That's my take on it anyway.
The other week my mum came out with 'well he hasn't asked you to move in yet, can't be that much of a serious relationship'

I can't wait to see what they use to dig at me once OH passes his test. No doubt his car will not be good enough, or it will be too good ( the other day he mentioned an Evoque)

It will probably be that the car is too fancy for his hideous ugliness!??

How will you feel if he does ask you to move in?
Is that what you want?
Do you want some independence first?
All worth thinking about in case that is what is asks.

I love him to pieces. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. So moving in with him would be the next logical step of progressing the relationship.
But as people have commented on my previous threads, I do need my own space and me time.
I would have to move about 45 mins to an hour away from where my OH lives.

If you can possibly manage it, some independence before moving in would be a good idea. You have not had a chance to find your feet and develop your own boundaries etc yet. Plus, you need a chance to get to know your boyfriend without your parents voices in your ear just judging everything. But even if you move in with BF make sure you have an independent savings account which has enough for a deposit on a flat, should you need it.

X-post, sorry

I remember your last thread.
How have you not managed to find a place to live yet? Or were you going to move in with him?

I think you need to move in with him, (obviously if he is fine with that) Yes it is the next logical step so i'd bring it up. In fact i'd ask him now and if he says yes then start moving your stuff and get in there asap and get away from your parents! My bf did that when I was away in Houston and it was so nice to come back to :)

You can still have your own space and me time by making arrangements with friends/going out/doing your own hobby.

I remember your last thread. You definitely need to leave, OP. Ask bf if you can move in with him at least for the time being.

I'm sure this was said on a previous thread but if finances are preventing you from moving out, why don't you get a room in a house share? I would have thought moving out would be your priority as you are not going to change your parents.

I remember you previous thread OP. It made very sad reading.
Nothing is going to change until you move out. You can't make another person behave rationally. Your power is removing yourself from their home and their influence. If I was you I would be gone tomorrow.

"If I try to walk away from the arguments I get told to sit down, I'm not done finishing talking to you, while you're in my house you will listen to what I have to say. I'm not physically restrained. If I do walk away to my room and shut the door often they will come upstairs as the conversation isn't over until they say so". Calmly say, "I feel this conversation isn't helping either of us, please allow me some privacy."

Then get away from them as fast as you can.

I'm back at OHs just about managed to hold it together while I was at work.
What toxic parents book do I need to buy. On Amazon there's one by Susan forward and another by Katie Lenhart.
I've just noticed that OH has left me a bottle of my favourite wine in the fridge, that will be drunk tonight!

Your OH sounds lovely! Just from this thread.

My DP is not a stereotypical handsome man by any means, but to me he is the most handsome sexiest man on this planet. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. we have been together four years and I still can't wait to jump into bed with him at night because he is a loving wonderful person.

I was in a relationship for 12 years with a very handsome man and he was a complete arse. Very unattractive.

My DP gets comments all the time "your batting above your weight" I get "well he's done well"

Bull shit!

I am lucky to have him in my life he is lucky to have me.

You really somehow need to get away from your parents, I would think a 45min drive is better than this horribleness your expriencing

He is lovely! Yes he's not a Abercrombie model but then I'm no Victoria secrets model!
His friends do the 'punching above your weight' thing as well, must be a bloke thing.

I had girlfriends tell me I could do better, but mostly it is a bloke thing I agree it's a "well done mate" which is annoying but your parents should not be acting like this!

Could I do better in looks department in their opinion, for me no I fancy the pants of this man! And my opinion is what matters and yes my DP is also no Abercomborie model but do you know what he is kind, loving, supportive, funny, charming, successful and bloody great in bed ;) I find all of this very very sexy!

I did spend 10 years with someone who was "attractive" and wish I got out sooner!

As for photos (this really annoyed me on your behalf) I have pictures of me and DP and what I see is two very happy people in love

My mum always told me not to fall for a handsome man as he would always fancy himself more than he fancied me.
Don't know if she was right, as the man I fell for is the best looking man in the world (in my eyes).

I wish you all the luck Bumpk1n and I hope you don't let them break you up.

I love that sentiment billy and also don't get it:)

This is interesting. Im recently separated and become attracted to someone i KNOW my mum will say awful things about. His appearance... Not what I'd ever have gone for but for some reason find absolutely gorgeous on him IYSWIM. So worried about any future with him though because i can predict the insults.

In the nicest possible way.. What the fuck! but having gone for men I think people will approve off in the past I also kind of understand. Stop pleasing others now ;)

You find this man attractive that's all that matters! Your mother will not be getting naked with him! or at least we hope not as this would need an entirely different thread

I love DP and I did think the same thing "nobody will get it" but actually my heart wanted him I wanted him and I didn't care if nobody got it. those who really cared did get it, he is kind, loving, funny, generally a wonderful man, he of course does have his moments as we all do! He is no model but whilst I appreciate some toned abs in reality it doesn't really do it for me! I look at DP and fancy the pants off him :)

Stereotypically I am more attractive than him, men do say how lucky he is and women do say why!

So Annoying because its obvious why - we love each other he is such a good man, that is far more attractive than a six pack :)