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Original poster

In my 50's, dating somebody with young children

87 replies

RubyRedandWilson · 17/05/2016 08:43

I have been seeing somebody, who I met online, for 3 months. I've fallen for him big tme. I'm 55 and have two grown up children, one of whom has an 11 year old daughter.

I knew this man had children younger than my children but he never said their actual ages - if I asked he would change the subject.

I finally got him to tell me their ages as it was quite obvious he was hiding something.

They are 6 and 2.

I'll admit, I was surprised. This man is the same age as me so I wasn't really expecting him to have children quite so young.

It also turns out he is a full time dad and every time we met, they were with their nanny (childcare nanny).

The childrens mum is not in the picture.

I'm now questioning the relationship. I am head over heels in love with this man, he has made me so happy in the 3 months we have been together, I don't want to give him up but I'm not sure I want to be "mum" to such young children at my time of life. My granddaughter is older than they are.

OP posts:
314inTheSkye · 18/05/2016 08:02

I'd just see how it goes.

I had a man break it off with me suddenly because his dd was older than my dd. waka waka aye aye.
I said to him that if he liked me enough that wouldn't matter and he just nodded.

I would think blimey though. In his fifties with a two year old! where's their mum?? How much younger than him was she? Is he used to dating much younger women? Is that something he could 'pull off' ? Confused I'd see how it all went but with wariness.

I admit now after my experience, I do give the impression that I have ''teenagers'' when in fact the eldest is only just a teenager. But I've been written off by men who have more freedom. I guess I'm just hoping to prolong the stage where they decide their freedom is more valuable.

I do get your dilemma though. I'm not unsympathetic.

WannaBe · 18/05/2016 08:03

Tbh, and I realise I run the risk of throwing being ageist into the equation here, but IMO at 55 the age of very young children is more relevant than say, at 30.

At 55 most people have done their parenting of young children and are heading towards retirement. If you are going back into the dating scene with a view to finding a long-term partner, then the fact that being in a full-time parenting role well into your seventies is something which deserves very careful consideration.

It is entirely disingenuous to not be up-front about the ages of your children if you're dating someone with a view to a potential future relationship. it has nothing to do with protecting those children, if you haven't introduced them then there's no protecting at play here. It's to do with self preservation, and deliberate evasiveness in order to further an own agenda.

And the mother not being on the scene is relevant because A, there's always a chance she may come back into the equation at some point, if she's just decided to disappear for instance, or B, if she died then the man will be dealing with grief, and the grief of his children, and the inevitable issues that that may bring. it's entirely unfair to date someone without giving them any kind of idea who and what it is they're dating.

I'm 42 now and if I were single there is not a chance in hell I would go anywhere near a man with a two year old. The idea of heading down that route in another fourteen years time and going through the teenage years in my seventies? Err no. Grin.

314inTheSkye · 18/05/2016 08:08

ps, when I say I give the impression, I mean, when chatting to people I haven't met! The man I dated, he knew my children's ages It didn't put him off to begin with.

I agree with Cabrinha, the disappearance of their mother is so unusual. The one man I do know who is in his sixties now and had a son with a younger mother who disappeared, she ''disappeared'' because he was so controlling and abusive she realised she couldn't spend 18 years fighting him so she walked away. IF there is a story like that in there, you'd need to dig it out.

Itisbetternow · 18/05/2016 08:10

Aged 55 heading off into retirement????

I'm working until I'm 67 so no sign of retirement at 55.

More women are having babies in their 40s. If these women then divorce then it is inevitable that there will be more divorced men in their 50s with young children.

WannaBe · 18/05/2016 08:19

No but you'd be looking at retirement in ten or so years time, just as the now two year old is becoming a teenager, with everything that brings.

There's a vast difference between having a baby in your 40's and one in your 50's. This two year old was born when the OP was 53. It's a far cry from a baby conceived in one's 40's.

And the fact is, OP shouldn't be judged for not wanting to become a step parent to a two year old in her mid 50's. If there isn't a mother on the scene it is naive to presume that the OP could simply be like an auntie or such if she in visages a future with this man.

And the fact is, he's been evasive about the children's ages. This isn't a genuine man, in the past two years he's become a father, a full time parent, and his children have lost contact with their mother, be that through death or her not staying on the scene for whatever reason. All of those details are going to present their own issues. It's not wrong to not want to become a part of that situation, especially when you're being denied knowledge of half of it in order to make your own choices.

Trills · 18/05/2016 08:22

I agree with WannaBe that being in your 50s with young children is much more of a big deal than being in your 30s with young children and should be deliberately brought up.

I also agree with 314 that this kind of thing would normally just come up naturally in conversation and that anyone who you have spoken to enough to have"fallen for big time" is someone who must be hiding it.

When doing OLD, if there is something about you that is unusual or that would be regarded by some as offputting, you should bring it up early. If only so as not to waste YOUR time with people who will no longer want to see you once they know it.

blindsider · 18/05/2016 08:47

Trills

When doing OLD, if there is something about you that is unusual orthat would be regarded by some as offputting, you should bring it up early. If only so as not to waste YOUR time with people who will no longer want to see you once they know it.

The other side of that coin is you can understand why the guy has not advertised it, as no 55 year old in their right mind wants to full time parent young kids. His chances of developing a relationship at that age with young kids is nil and he has worked out his only chance is to 'get someone keen enough' to overlook it when they find out...

No ideal but understandable.

Trills · 18/05/2016 08:49

his only chance is to 'get someone keen enough' to overlook it when they find out...

That's what they say about lying about your age too.

blindsider · 18/05/2016 08:52

Trills

True

When I was online dating a woman lied about her age but told me as soon as we met up, she was lovely and we had a great time but she was right she wouldn't have been included in my selections had she not lied.

(I was 47 and my selection were 38-50) she was 51 (and said she was 45(and looked it))

HelenaDove · 18/05/2016 22:30

Have you heard from him tonight OP?

Lelloteddy · 18/05/2016 22:45

Has the kids mum died? If so, two small recently bereaved children shouldn't be being introduced to you at this stage.
And regardless of the circumstances surrounding their mum, the fact that he deliberately omitted to mention that his children were so young would be enough of a deal breaker for me.

paniniswapx3 · 19/05/2016 00:10

I'd say no way Op - that's such a lot to take on at your age & time of life.

I also think it's very important to know where their mum is & why she's not around anymore.

Good luck!

Athena314 · 19/05/2016 08:21

any chance of an update?

corythatwas · 19/05/2016 08:54

I wonder if this whole conversation about how bad the man is/isn't is somehow vaguely related to a feeling that the OP must have some kind of motive or excuse for backing out.

She doesn't. She has known him for the grand total of 3 months, they are not in a committed relationship, she does not owe him any particular loyalty, it is perfectly ok to say "no, I don't think I fancy this set-up". She does not need to justify herself. He does not have to be a monster to give her the right to walk away. Anyone has the right to walk away.

HelenaDove · 19/05/2016 16:28

Totally agree Cory.

Trills · 19/05/2016 22:08

Absolutely.

The only reason she needs is "not wanting to any more".

Trills · 19/05/2016 22:08

If she stops seeing him maybe he'll be more honest with the next woman he dates.

SandyY2K · 19/05/2016 22:22

Get his full name and try and find him on FB or other online presence. He could actually already be in a relationship.

Why can't he be straight forward about the mother of the kids.

Do you know if he's ever been married?

I find it a bit odd TBH. Something doesn't seem quite right .

BitOutOfPractice · 19/05/2016 23:25

Sandy I thought the same. Makes you wonder what other major parts of his life you don't know about, like a wife

MistressDeeCee · 20/05/2016 09:19

Im in my 50s and my 2 are grown up now, thank God. No way would I want to be mum to young children, even the thought of it is tiring.

Then again - he seems to be getting on with being a single parent, as he was before he met you - he's not asked you to meet his DCs and be a mother figure, has he? You're nowhere near that stage yet

It seems clear he is happy to meet women his own age. So hiding his DCs ages, whilst not ideal, to me is understandable as he knows many women would run for the hills

I have 2 good male friends who are single dads. So its not that unusual that a mother can disappear, in 1 both cases the mother went off to be with someone else who didnt want the DCs as part of the package, and that was that. I also have a friend who had 6 (!) DCs with her DH and left him for someone else, again didnt take the DCs. Im judging nobody here, just saying when it happens its not always the man's fault

But anyway if you don't want a man who has young DCs then you're only 3 months in, just end it. On the other hand if love transcends all that then stay, but know that you could end up being stepmum one day. What do you want people to say? We all tend to know what we want and what we don't. This one is pretty clear cut.

Jackie0 · 20/05/2016 09:58

I'd run a mile .
The fact that he was avoiding the issue would put me right off for a start.
If you like him and have fun can you not just date ?
Make it clear there won't be a joint household and you don't want to meet his kids .
I'd still run a mile , his lifestyle just isn't going to mesh with yours , he can't go on holiday or be spontaneous . He won't enjoy the perks of having adult children with you.
You have much more to lose in this set up that he does .

1DAD2KIDS · 20/05/2016 10:28

For me the main issue is the whole bit about being shady about the age of the kids. He may not be as dodgy as people suspect. It maybe because he really likes you and knows that may put you off. Not that it's right and he's a fool. No good can come of making a foundation of lies or half truths. But if you put your self in his shoes maybe that is why he is being shady.

I am a single working dad with a 1 and a 4 year old. Their mother is not around. Granted I am 32, don't want anymore kids and aim to enjoy my retirement. He is not an attractive prospect at his age in that situation. So I do feel sorry for him. It's hard enough at my age to find someone. Of course I you still want him do find out more about him. Tell him it's imperative that he is completely open from now on. If he isn't it's no good.

Sorry going of the point a little but sometimes single dad's seem to get a rough ride on here. Often there is the asumption that we are just after a replacement mother figure or skivy. As if men are incapable of raising kids and running a household. Personally I do just fine and don't need any of the above. Also there is always huge suspicion about situations where mum is not on the sence. As if no woman would leave her children of her own free will and the only reason the man has them is because of some evil master plan. I know these things are sometimes true. But it feels like men are often suspected guilty first rather than given the benefit of the doubt. Sorry for the rant. It's just these niggles get to me sometimes.

Yoksha · 20/05/2016 12:28

It's been more than 48hrs since original post. No updates! Hmmm.

HelenaDove · 21/05/2016 18:28

Any update yet OP

SandyY2K · 21/05/2016 18:49

1DAD2KIDS

it's because it's not the norm for mums to abandon their kids ... especially at a very young age. When you get answers like 'she's not around' it doesn't really help either.

Does that mean she doesn't want to raise the kids and doesn't see them?

Does she see them? Have any custody? In what capacity is she in their lives?

I'm not looking for answers. But I'd prefer a straight forward response, as I'd want to know if I got more serious in the relationship.. would I come into contact with her or is she gone for good.

A woman wants the full story... especially with a 1 or 2 year old, as it shows the intimacy wasn't a million years ago and if the chance of getting back with the mum arose ... it sounds like an easier option.... so I would not want to invest myself.. unless I know exactly what's up.