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Original poster

In my 50's, dating somebody with young children

87 replies

RubyRedandWilson · 17/05/2016 08:43

I have been seeing somebody, who I met online, for 3 months. I've fallen for him big tme. I'm 55 and have two grown up children, one of whom has an 11 year old daughter.

I knew this man had children younger than my children but he never said their actual ages - if I asked he would change the subject.

I finally got him to tell me their ages as it was quite obvious he was hiding something.

They are 6 and 2.

I'll admit, I was surprised. This man is the same age as me so I wasn't really expecting him to have children quite so young.

It also turns out he is a full time dad and every time we met, they were with their nanny (childcare nanny).

The childrens mum is not in the picture.

I'm now questioning the relationship. I am head over heels in love with this man, he has made me so happy in the 3 months we have been together, I don't want to give him up but I'm not sure I want to be "mum" to such young children at my time of life. My granddaughter is older than they are.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 17/05/2016 18:46

Surely the ages of his kids is just something basic that would come up in conversation on a first date.

His being evasive about it is a red flag.

WordsAreWind · 17/05/2016 18:46

Apologies for typos, sausage fingers.

OP, if you are unsure you can be involved with a man with such young children in his care then you know what to do. Nothing can change that. It's only been 3 months, move on and find someone else.

JassyRadlett · 17/05/2016 18:49

I think it's entirely reasonable not to want to take on someone with such small kids.

However this statement from a PP is horrible:

I would be be very wary about falling for him because he's probably looking for a mother figure for his children. Does he work?

Turn it around. Is every single mother who dates motivated by the desire to find a father figure for their kids? Ugh.

WordsAreWind · 17/05/2016 18:57

"His being evasive about it is a red flag."

It always is when it's a man isn't it.

Plenty of Women do exactly the same, especially when it comes to online dating which is seen as perfectly acceptable, because they might get preyed upon by groomers and perverts or violent arseholes with histories as long as their arms.

I don't seen it as being evasive i see it as being responsible and protective. Which any parent should be when meeting strangers online.

3 months is not a long time. If he was still being evasive after the 6 month mark and they were making plans for their future than i would see that as a red flag.

The OP is the one with the problem here and not her date. This is easilly rectified by her ending it.

HelenaDove · 17/05/2016 19:05

Its basic first date conversation. And when the OP asked him outright why lie about it.

If a single mum was being evasive about her kids ages i suspect she would be getting told she was thinking too much about dating and not enough about her kids.

And the fact that hes in his 50s and has been evasive about their ages would make me think he may have had a relationship with a much younger woman who couuldnt handle being a parent (i know of a relationship like this in RL. ) and may have walked.

Its NOT the fact that hes an older guy with kids that would make me think this but the fact he has been evasive.

I would also think that he was looking for a stepmum for them and he is making sure you fall for him first.

And before anyone says that you could say the same about a single mum it dosnt quite fly in a world where women are still expected to do most of the childcare.

A lot more is expected of stepmothers than stepfathers for instance.

And look at the way stepmothers get slated in the press and on these very boards.

Stepfathers dont get the same attitudes levelled at them and not as much is expected of them.

WordsAreWind · 17/05/2016 19:17

Wow, serious gender stereotyping going on here.

The Man must be looking for a Step Mother to his children because he is a Man and that is what Men do. All he wants is a Woman to look after his children whilst he goes and does his Man things.

facepalm

Also i like how you automatically jump to he must of been day
Ting a much younger Woman that bailed because she couldn't handle it.

What if his Wife/ Partner died?

What if this Man wants some adult companionship away from his Children, and when he can trust this person, perhaps something much more. He could have a well paid job and afford full time child care, he could work from home in his wellpaid job and afford childcare but also be home for his young Children.

Based on what very little information OP has given, you are slating this Man. Always jumping straight to the negatives im this forum.

WordsAreWind · 17/05/2016 19:19

Dating* Grrrr

BitOutOfPractice · 17/05/2016 19:24

Words nobody is suggesting that he should put the the kids ages in his dating profile. But do you honestly think that in 3 months worth of chatting, that it wouldn't have come up?

MooPointCowsOpinion · 17/05/2016 19:29

I don't think there's anything wrong with a single parent not talking about the ages of their children with someone they've been dating just a short while. He might want to keep the two things separate, home life and dating life, and he's only telling you now because he sees a future with you.

You need to decide if you see a future with him and his children. You're not obligated to 'take them on', you've gone 3 months without realising he has such huge obligations, you could easily keep dating, keep separate houses, if that's what makes you both happy.

I'd give serious thought to marriage/living together; I don't think I could take on a toddler at 55, I want my own kids to be having kids and to have a bit of time for myself by then.

Lolimax · 17/05/2016 19:30

Whatever the whys and wherefores of him with-holding the details from you, please think carefully.
My DC's are older teens and my (genuinely) lovely ss is 13. And that was enough of a shock. I honestly don't know how I'd selfishly manage if he was much younger or there were other younger children, no matter how much I love my DH.
Not only is it going back somewhere you had no intentions of being again but the journey of a step mother isn't easy, and I know I have it fairly comfortable compared to many on here.
Just take this as a health warning. Your own health! And sanity!!

HelenaDove · 17/05/2016 19:34

Why be evasive when the OP asked him directly. Fine....he has to trust her but can he really expect that trust to be returned when he has been evasive.

blindsider · 17/05/2016 19:37

Juneau

how can you be 'head over heels in love' in such a short space of time? TBH I'd be questioning whether this has moved waaaay too fast anyway

Of course you can be head over heels in 3 months my first date to asking DW to marry me was 10 days we were married 5 months later. That was 5 of the happiest years of my life ago.

Amanddon · 17/05/2016 19:45

I feel that something is not right here. If you want to move on with this relationship, then you need to do some more digging. I would start by asking to meet the children with the childminder/nanny (just incase nanny happens to be mum).

WordsAreWind · 17/05/2016 19:55

Can an adult not have some adult time without discussing their Children?

We don't even know how many dates they have been on. Is it 3 months from when they started interacting online and have only met once a week for a few weeks, or have they been meeting once a week for the whole 3 months? These types of details are important before jumping to such negative conclusions.

It's been 3 Months. 6 months plus and plans being made for the future and perhaps the negative responses to this man would be warrented. Not after 3 months and very little information from the OP.

All i can see at this stage is Man is dating Woman but being cautious because he has 2 young children. Women has now found out he has 2 very young children and realises that this is a deal breaker, which is not a bad thing. Woman needs to call it off, or continue a friendship without any romance.

WordsAreWind · 17/05/2016 19:59

Another possibility is perhaps he doesn't see a future with OP.

HelenaDove · 17/05/2016 20:01

In which case he could be honest and tell her that.

crazyhead · 17/05/2016 20:22

Sod the rights and wrongs, now is the time for a heart to heart and very detailed back story. If the younger kid is 2, it can't be that long since the ex was on the scene for instance. At 3 months it is fair to expect he gives you detailed info about his practical circs. I'd also want to know whether he's looking for a 'move in' relationship. Who knows, it might transpire you aren't what HE'S looking for. But at least you'd know.

Ragwort · 17/05/2016 21:23

What would concern me is what sort of parent is he? He is (according to the OP) a SAHD but fails to mention this ....................... most people usually discuss their job/lifestyle during the first couple of dates - whether they are a CEO/telesales person/gardener/stay at home parent or whatever ............. so why has the OP's boyfriend concealed this very important piece of information?

If he is a SAHD - why doesn't he want to talk about his children, what is he hiding? Most people who are SAHPs (I was one myself for many years - nothing against that 'role') are happy and confident in the position they have chosen, so why not mention it?

BubblingUp · 18/05/2016 01:53

I'm early 50s and OLDing and it is truly shocking the number of men in their 50s with young children who are dating. Age of children is early information - not 3 months later. Guess he learned the hard way most women in their 50s don't want to start over with kids so he didn't reveal it until the woman was hooked. But it seems like he would be seeking younger women with their own young children.
I would need to know what happened to the mother(s).
Good luck with whatever you decide, OP.

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 18/05/2016 07:03

My first thought was that the children may be adopted.
As pp said, there's no rush to decide anything now. Carry on dating, spending time together. No need to assume you'll be anything but 'Daddy's girlfriend' for a very long time to come.

FinallyHere · 18/05/2016 07:04

Head over heels in love ... with a part of him, that part which avoided answering your questions about his children. Hmmmmmm.

BitOutOfPractice · 18/05/2016 07:24

I've been thinking about this. The more I think about it, the more I think he's been deliberately dishonest.

I was in a meeting yesterday. Mixture of people I know and some I'd never met before. One mentioned it was his DS's birthday at the weekend. I asked how old. He told me. In return he asked if I had kids. I said I had, one was xYO one was yYO.

That's in a 5 minute chat. The ages of your kids aren't exactly state secrets are they? Unless you are deliberately trying to conceal it. I mean, I bet he knows the ages of OP's kids.

He knew the ages and the residency status of his kids could be a deal breaker for op. To he deliberately mislead her do that he could feel her in and she'd be in too deep before she found out. And it sounds like his plan worked. Confused

I would run for the hills op. This is not a good man

MissMargie · 18/05/2016 07:37

What is a childcare nanny?

If he is a 'full time' DF who has a full time Nanny then you can get together as long as you keep the full time Nanny, and possibly a full time cleaner as you are not prepared to take any of this on as a full time step mother.
But perhaps you can be his partner and RubyRed to the children. More an auntie than a mother.

But I would want to know how he ended up in this situation- who and where the DM is.

BitOutOfPractice · 18/05/2016 07:54

A childcare nanny is a nanny who is not a grandma nanny Hmm

scarlets · 18/05/2016 07:55

I think he'd be better off with a woman with young children of her own, rather than you, OP. You're at a completely different life stage. You don't sound at all excited about getting to know these children, and nobody can blame you, but they deserve someone who's going to be a loving, interested, hands-on stepmother.