DH 'falls out' with Our toddler and generally childish with her. How to approach?

[Tiskettasket67]

Have NC. My DH is mainly wonderful but does have a childish streak. For instance, we can't play board games or quizzes etc because if he loses he gets incredibly sulky and sucks the fun out of anything or if we go somewhere for a social that he doesn't want to be at he will be very rude and ignore people, not engage, make everyone uncomfortable and I'll feel so awkward we leave.
Anyway, with our DD Who is three, he adores her, spoils her rotten and is a really good dad. Except for when he isn't. He will get in a sulk with her and be quite unkind and it breaks my heart to have to stick up for my three year old!
So the other night she woke up, he went to her, she said she didn't wNt him she wanted me so he shouted at her to 'shut up' and stormed off leaving her crying (I was in my way to her by that point) then the following morning she woke up and he went to get her. She said something to the effect of I want mummy not you. To which he said fine I don't want you then, shut her door, passed me in the corridor and said to me 'she's being a twat' (she did not hear that). I went to her and got ready etc but he wouldn't talkto her even when she tried, he ignored her and when she was saying 'daddy's grumpy. Why's daddy grumpy? I can make him happy?' I wanted to die inside because why should she have to worry about how he feels if he is sulking and being unkind. Concerned she's going to end up with some awful esteem issues and think everyone's emotions are her responsibility. Frequently when he sulks at her and she says that I just say, 'don't worry, daddy's fine. Nothing to worry about.' And another time they were playing and he wound her up teasing her and wrongfully, she hit him. But instead of telling her off he pushed her away and said 'I'm not playing anymore if you're going to be horrible'. And then ignored her all afternoon and I had to stick up for her again saying that he shouldn't have wound her up, shouldn't have pushed her away etc etc. when I bring it up with him he then freezes me out too and gets mardy with me and we all have a shit day. Another example is if she misbehaves or something whilst they are playing together he will throw whatever they are playing with across the room and say 'right I'm not playing anymore'. I mean, what a knob, how can I bring this up? I explain she is only three and that this isn't fair on her. He is just too hard on her. And whilst I don't want to belittle him in front of her or seem that we are divided, I cannot condone how he behaves when sulking and she is my priority. He works in child development and I am so surprised he doesn't seem to see how this childish behaviour could be affecting her. She is becoming really attuned to people's emotions and I don't want her to think him being a grumpy twat is her fault.

Thank you.
Yes if he wants to make things difficult for me I know he has no problem doing so.
There's nobody to ask unfortunately because our only childcare is our DPs and they would sense trouble. And I can't cope with that right now. If we split, then they can know about all this. But not before. I also cannot guarantee he would come home on time for them either, putting them out and me in an awkward situation.

He sounds terrible. I expect your 3yo is more mature than him.

This is unforgivable.

Thank you. I don't feel like a good mum at all. And I am so worried that if we split he will use my mental health against me as he is so knowledgable about custody cases and seems so 'together and laid back'. In truth he has this awful cruel streak and is a narcissist I think. He's said before in conversation that he would fight me to the death for her.
I will cancel tomorrow's plans even though I so want to go but I need to be here for DD. I shan't give him the upper hand or put her in a situation unnecessarily. Often if I work at night or go to see a friend all routine goes out the window, she doesn't get put to bed til late(for her) 9/9.30 and then she is overtired so misbehaves and gets the brunt of his bad mood and gets shouted at. I have told him before that her misbehaving because she is overtired and out of routine is actually his fault and could easily be prevented if he could stick to timings and routine.
I certainly know my DD doesn't deserve this.

Will you continue to cancel all your social occasions to protect your daughter from him ?

Is that sustainable do you think ?

I have requested the thread move. Thank you.
And thanks to you all. I am utterly miserable and feel totally lonely. Nobody in RL knows any of this and people think we are model family.
We have actually left him once before but only for a night and day. Because of his behaviour-not being supportive of me emotionally etc. I came back and he came home from work and was very upset and apologetic so we tried again.

OP I've messaged MNHQ and asked them to move this to Relationships for you. It might not happen for a bit though; it'll depend if there's people on duty to do it.

Celledora I found that a very moving, intelligent post. Thank you.

No definitely not but in the short term ie, tomorrow. Until I know what's going on.

X post, OP.

I really feel for you. So sorry.

Thank you Liney.
And yes, people have been very helpful and supportive on here. Thank you.xx

I wish I could help more. Some of it sounds so familiar (unhappily) but you sound very strong.

OP you are doing the hardest thing right now and it sounds like you are doing it well. I hope you can be kind to yourself especially when he is not. Things can and will get better, you are not alone.

I'm so sorry you are having to live through this. You have shown your daughter that you will stand up for her, though, which is such an important message.

I just wanted to add that you don't owe anyone anything. You don't owe it to your partner to keep quiet. You don't owe it to your daughter to pretend to be the perfect family. You don't owe it to your parents and friends to be 'the model family'. I suspect that if you start to open up to people they will be relieved and tell you that they have noticed hints of everything you said.

It may be worth keeping a diary of his comments and actions as best you can remember them, to remind yourself why you have decided to stand up for your daughter and yourself. (And in case it becomes relevant in custody of your daughter).

You are handling this very well, Tisk. Trying to talk to him; trying to communicate. You are doing what you can.

Very childish men who -deliberately- stay that way are unlikely to grow up and you've said that you thin he can be very mean and even cruel (my god, another reason to quietly slip away in order to protect your daughter!)

I think you need to plan very carefully how to exit this relationship (if necessary) and to ensure you are protected from him emptying the bank accounts and other nasties. others can give you better advice than I can, but you need to start planning. You will need to grieve, make sure you have a time for that, but you will also need to have a clear head for practical steps.

I think I was just so grateful he loved me back Something here isn't ringing a bell. were you desperate for love? You deserve a million times better than this man, given his underlying -character- no matter how fun his personality can be.

Speak to a divorce solicitor to find out where you stand, things you are concerned about might not be an issue at all. Also Womens Aid could perhaps give guidance. Adding unnecessary worries will make you feel worse. Better to know the facts even if you don't carry them through.

Hi all - apologies for the delay. We'll move the thread to Relationships now.

Just wanted to offer some and a virtual hand hold. I have no advice to add to what other, wiser posters have given and will give. Just wanted to let you know that I am rooting for you and I think you are doing a really brave thing.

Seek help (Women's Aid, Health Visitor, solicitor), and formulate a plan. I echo what NamelessEnsign says re keeping a diary note of what he says / does. If only to remind yourself that yes, he really is that bad and you aren't imagining it.

This is really upsetting and abusive behaviour

Your poor little girl, and poor you.

I don't know if this is a workable idea (I guess it depends on how willing he is to accept that there are issues and work to change them) but would he be open to going to see somebody with expertise in child psychology with you, to discuss parenting styles and work through what you have seen in his behaviour that has been upsetting?

Oh dear, you have your answer. You asked him to stop and he fiddled with his phone then said he would stop parenting.

Contradicting his earlier stance that he'd fight you to the death for custody.

Basically he'll do whatever fits his personality. So if he's controlling in life eg money/job/what you wear etc he'll fight you in court just to carry on being controlling. If he is happy for you to do the parenting then it will be you fighting for him to pay maintenance and he'll have occasional overnighters.

I suspect it will be the latter. In which case the threat of fighting for her is just a threat so you don't split and cause him some ball ache. Not supporting you through pnd is very detatched behaviour, as is the fiddling on the phone when you are voicing your concerns. He isn't going to change unless it benefits him to change I'm afraid. I would leave it for a week and have another calm conversation about the need for change, but from now on every time he upsets your dd don't worry about undermining his parenting. I think he wants an easy life so the 50 quid overspend is easy parenting but he can't cope with anything that requires effort or patience.

Joint counselling won't be a good idea if you fear he will just blame you and you won't be able to explain all the unkind behaviour.

Also re. his mother yes he has probably learned the stonewalling from her but he is choosing to use this tactic despite knowing about child development. When you suffer abuse you can either replicate it with your own children or know how hurtful it was and try your best not to do it yourself (there can be little slips here where you revert to it like a default but in the main you try not to be like your parent/s). So yes it probably comes from his childhood but that is a reason for his behaviour and ot an excuse.

Your poor little girl is already learning at her tender age that it may be her responsibility to get a moody git out of his bad mood.

Do her a favour and end this vicious cycle before the man is her BF or H and she is stuck.

OP, I recognise you, this has been going on years hasn't it? I am sure I have read at least 5 other threads of yours in the last month or so alone. How many chances to change is he going to get?

I feel so sorry for you OP - you really don't deserve to be in this position. Stay strong.

Very moving post Celledora.

Thank you all. Feeling less low but still very unsettled.
Yes I maybe was a bit starved of genuine affection that I was seeking it everywhere. I have loved him for as long as I remember but we started seeing each other more shortly after I was raped so I think it was a very low time for me.
I will keep a diary, that's a useful idea.
I will also look into contacting Womens Aid.
He definitely seems to spoil her maybe to try to bond with her. Maybe he genuinely thinks that will work? I have only just realised that this is what my own DF did-threw money at me instead off support. He's come home tonight with a 'treat' of cake for her for instance. Small treat but not necessary.
We didn't speak this morning and I went to her in the night and morning. I text to say if he had made up his mind and was not coming home to let me know and also let me know if he is relinquishing fathering duties this evening. He said he would be home. He is and has cooked their tea. He is on his phone, eating it now. His phone is a constant attachment-he is literally never off it. Even if he wakes in the night he'll go on. There's 100% no
OW he just filters through shit websites.
He is very chirpy at the moment, irritatingly but better than being unkind. But hasn't said a thing to me.
He really will not go for any sort of counselling. I suggested marriage counselling in the past which he refused.
There have been lots of incidents in the past wanheda but this is my first post about it and I have NC. When we were together early doors I ended up in hospital with a suspected m/c. He refused to come to the hospital....... Yeah lots of shit things have happened but I always make excuses for him.
Nt sure where this is gonna go to be honest. If he will eventually see his error or whether he will always be this way.

Actually, maybe I don't feel better. I feel a bit numb probably. And like I may be sick if I let myself. I'm really disappointed in him and in me for being a door mat. I have not been the perfect wife and have said things in rows but I have always had passion for our marriage and loved him and apologised when I have been wrong. I have always tried to put him and DD first. Having to fight for her is keeping me going. She is so amazing and kind. wonderful despite all this.