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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Final straw with partner who won't be DRY

101 replies

DependencyInjection · 13/05/2016 01:57

I was lying in bed listening to my alcoholic huffing and puffing like an old steam train, I'm sitting here in the early hours thinking I've had enough. Earlier this evening my alcoholic said to me "what do you think of that stuff from Aldi you had the other day?" I said to my alcoholic, "I'm not interested in having a drink, but don't use me to green light your drinking". I'm tired of the codependency, I'm tired of being angry about it and I'm about to start a new job and I've flatly warned my alcoholic that if they get pissed up looking after the DDs that it.

My alcoholic has been banned from Brownies for taking and collecting the DDs pissed. My alcoholic has got us into debt loads of times, we're still struggling. My alcoholic has caused me to loose jobs by leaving early in a rush because they're pissed up in charge of a 7 & 10 yo.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint, I react badly to my alcoholics alcohol misuse.

I've spoken to my alcoholics parents and I've prepared them for if my alcoholic fucks up during the probation period of my new job, they are to expect my alcoholic turning up on their door step And just as I write this al nearly 2am in walk my alcoholic to find out what I'm up to.

OP posts:
JonSnowsBeardClippings · 17/05/2016 20:38

Sorry you may have said up thread but are you married and is the house owned or rented?

Naicehamshop · 17/05/2016 20:54

Is there anywhere you could go OP? Relatives, friends?? I know he is the one who should be going, but I see that it is going to be very difficult to get that to happen.

Original poster
DependencyInjection · 17/05/2016 21:21

Rented with tenancy only in my name. There must be some kind of legal recourse to show that I'm serious.

OP posts:
JonSnowsBeardClippings · 17/05/2016 21:22

Married? Because if so then you need legal advice.

AnyFucker · 17/05/2016 21:23

if the tenancy is in your name you can tell him to leave if you are not married

Original poster
DependencyInjection · 17/05/2016 21:36

I've said "I want you to go please leave" the answer is no.

OP posts:
LobsterQuadrille · 17/05/2016 21:44

Who pays the rent?

KittensandKnitting · 17/05/2016 21:45

If your not married and the tennacy is in your soul name as anyfucker says, you can make him leave.

Now this may not be a pleasant thing on how you go about it but you could remove his belongings and change the locks (landlord might not be super happy by this but you can give them a set of keys) you could call the police.

It sounds like you may have run out of other options if he will not leave on his own and your in laws won't help.

Horrible situation you are in I really feel for you OP.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/05/2016 21:45

Your legal recourse will be different if you're married than if you're single. If for privacy you don't want to mention it on thread, I certainly understand.

If you're married, I don't think you can just kick him out even if the tenancy is in your sole name. Get legal advice.

If you're cohabiting, I'm not sure at which point (if at all) he gains 'tenant's rights' if he's not on the lease. Where I am (US) someone can gain tenant's rights as a 'sublessee' (i.e. the tenant of the tenant) after a certain period of time. Happened to my son and his friend when they tried to get a bad roommate out of their flat. Luckily the landlord intervened. I guess you could always just chuck him and his stuff out, change the locks, and tell him that it's your flat, and see what happens. Do you think he'd get a solicitor and try to fight you? Do you have enough income to run the house on your own?

Poppledopple · 17/05/2016 21:47

I have been in your shoes....I will PM you my thread....I got so much support on here. I also went to Al Anon and was disappointed that I did not come away from the first meeting with a 10 point plan to cope with it and fix it. I listened and learnt. I knew nothing.

This book changed my life.

Book

It is totally about being co-dep - trying too hard for too long on something that you cant fix. You were taught / conditioned as I was to accept a life of frustration with no reward. Our boundaries are low - we accept that we should be last.

What helped me was understanding that an alcoholic is always "absent" - they are in one of 3 states permanently - obsessed/pre-occupied with the next drink, drunk or hungover (or all 3!) - so they are not there emotionally - they are not connected.

The penny dropped for me in that although I had accepted this shit existence for myself - I could not accept this for my children - I did not want them to have this disconnected father - and as they got older the confusion would move to realising that their Dad was an embarrassing drunk and they would live a life of shame.

BUT not only would they have had this neglect and shame to carry - they would also have a Mother who was disconnected and also not there for them / available to them, thru her preoccupation, stress, anger, exhaustion and depression at trying to cope, clear up the mess (physical, social, emotional, financial = chaos) of the unfixable.

They were loosing both parent to this. He had to go.

The irony is that everything you try to do "to cope" and "to fix" - keeps the alki trapped in their prison for longer - as you are "enabling". I found this really hard to understand, accept and take responsibility for. They need to get to their rock bottom in their own space, alone. Leaving is the kindest thing you can do for him and your children.

LobsterQuadrille · 17/05/2016 21:49

If you are not married, CAB says:

When a couple are living together but only one of them is the tenant, the non-tenant partner doesn't have an automatic right to stay in the home when the relationship comes to an end.

If you're in this situation, you can only stay in the home for as long as your partner gives their permission. All that your partner must do if they want you to leave is give you 'reasonable' notice. There aren't any legal rules about how long the notice must be to be reasonable, it will depend on the circumstances. If there has been violence or unreasonable behaviour, very short or immediate notice may be considered reasonable. The notice doesn't have to be in writing.

Your partner cannot use any physical force to make you leave. After the notice period runs out, if they change the locks while you're out, there is very little you can do about it.

Original poster
DependencyInjection · 17/05/2016 21:52

Married and I pay everything and try to keep on top of bills (not doing a terribly good job but nostrils still just out of water). We're both out of work at this moment but I start in less than two weeks. I don't want to be back in the situation of the DDs being picked up from school by a snarky drunk. So far OH has not been caught out by school being pissed at pickup (but has been elsewhere but not reported). And then coming home to a pissed up warzone.

OP posts:
Poppledopple · 17/05/2016 22:14

As he is refusing to go - stop flogging a dead horse - dont waste another breath on him - but use your energy and focus to speak with a solicitor to get legal advice on how to get him out and take it from there.

Disconnect / detach from him - dont give him your emotional energy - as this is finite - use this to seek info and take steps to get him moved out.

What is your notice period - could you give notice and then rent. elsewhere with out him ? wouldnt even tell him you are moving.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/05/2016 22:17

Ah, married. That does make a difference. I strongly suggest you get legal advice. I'd also advise that you stop any 'domestic services' for him right away. No cooking, cleaning, laundry for him. Vacate the bedroom. You want to make him feel as unwelcome and as uncomfortable as possible, iyswim.

Also, any time he leaves the house drunk, call the police on him. If he's drunk at home and raising a fuss, call the police. Tell the school and ask them to do the same if he shows up drunk.

Would you be able to make other arrangements for school pickup? Honestly, I wouldn't cover for him. I'd ask someone to help me and tell them the truth, that you're afraid he'll be too drunk to be a responsible parent.

You're going to have to arrange after school care at some point after you separate, perhaps you should get that rolling now.

Poppledopple · 17/05/2016 22:20

'If your spouse or civil partner has the tenancy in their name only, they don't need your knowledge or agreement to end it.'

^^ from CAB

JonSnowsBeardClippings · 17/05/2016 22:21

But I don't think the op wants to end the tenancy, just get the husband out.

TawnyGrisette · 17/05/2016 22:42

Why is everyone assuming 'my alcoholic' is a male, when the OP is going to such great lengths not to use any identifying pronouns?

AnyFucker · 17/05/2016 23:01

Does it matter ? Hmm

ijustwannadance · 17/05/2016 23:11

Pack their bags and tell them to get the fuck back to their parents or elsewhere.

Those poor bloody girls. The 10 year old will be having to co-parent and protect the younger one who is obviously regressing due to the environment she is in and emotional stress. How embarrassing for them to be picked up from school etc by a pissed up knobhead.
For their sake this needs to stop asap or in 20 years they will be just like you now, or worse, like your alcoholic.
They see everything. Set a better example and show them that it is not ok to put up with this shit.
Break the cycle.

Just think how much better you and those girls will be with the alcoholic gone. You can sleep in peace. A calm, safe home.

TawnyGrisette · 17/05/2016 23:29

I couldn't care less either way, personally, but it's clearly important to the OP, given the clumsy attempts to avoid saying, and I find it odd that so many posters just assume it's a woman talking about a man.

Left · 18/05/2016 07:22

Try the forum Wikivorce for advice, have seen threads on there about separating from alcoholic XPs.

JonSnowsBeardClippings · 18/05/2016 08:13

Most posters on here are women
Most women are heterosexual
Most people who get drunk on 8 cans and try to piss in their kids bedrooms are male
Could be wrong, but probability says this is a woman talking about a man

Blu · 18/05/2016 08:13

Quick, before your job starts and you still have time, check what you would be entitled to if you were to leave with the kids.

There would be issues of access and childcare, not sure where to get advice on that.

I guess the legal recourse is divorce.

MagicMoonstone · 18/05/2016 08:34

Tell him to fuck off. If he kicks off, call the cops and say he's not welcome in the home because you don't want him around the kids.

Send him to his parents and put a restraining order on him keeping him away from your home and kids

AcrossthePond55 · 18/05/2016 14:39

If the law says he can stay, then there's nothing OP can do. Obvs she can call the police if he gets nasty or physical but she can't lock him out or make him leave.

But if he won't go voluntarily, she can 'pack all his bags' as much as she likes but she can't physically toss him out of the house. I know I certainly haven't the physical ability to 'toss' my DH out of our house, let alone the legal right to do so. And you can't just 'get a restraining order' unless there is some type of evidence that he is a danger to the family.

Turn the situation around a bit. If your DH/DW/partner told you to get the fuck out would you just say 'Oh, well then, ok' and leave? Probably not, especially if you (rightly or wrongly) believed that your behaviour wasn't egregious. Yes, he should leave, but he won't. So IMHO advice of that nature is useless.

All she can do is make being there as uncomfortable for him as possible and seek legal advice. And, yes, call the police when appropriate. Obvs you can't call them just because someone is pissed to the gills, but if they start breaking things or being obnoxious, maybe. Although to tell you the truth, when my BFF's 'd'H gets that way (just this side of abusive, but truly obnoxious and insulting) the police usually ask her if she can go somewhere for the night. Again, it's wrong, but they can't make him leave until he presents a danger.

OP, make him as uncomfortable as you can. Call the police for valid reasons every chance you get. Keep calling your iLs. Maybe they'll get so tired of hearing you bitch about him that they'll finally tell him to leave.

Above all, see a solicitor.