Final straw with partner who won't be DRY

[DependencyInjection]

I was lying in bed listening to my alcoholic huffing and puffing like an old steam train, I'm sitting here in the early hours thinking I've had enough. Earlier this evening my alcoholic said to me "what do you think of that stuff from Aldi you had the other day?" I said to my alcoholic, "I'm not interested in having a drink, but don't use me to green light your drinking". I'm tired of the codependency, I'm tired of being angry about it and I'm about to start a new job and I've flatly warned my alcoholic that if they get pissed up looking after the DDs that it.

My alcoholic has been banned from Brownies for taking and collecting the DDs pissed. My alcoholic has got us into debt loads of times, we're still struggling. My alcoholic has caused me to loose jobs by leaving early in a rush because they're pissed up in charge of a 7 & 10 yo.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint, I react badly to my alcoholics alcohol misuse.

I've spoken to my alcoholics parents and I've prepared them for if my alcoholic fucks up during the probation period of my new job, they are to expect my alcoholic turning up on their door step And just as I write this al nearly 2am in walk my alcoholic to find out what I'm up to.

Get him out

Good luck

Well after a long chat with MIL they're more than happy to stand at a distance and watch this slomo car crash, but other than tell me I have two lovely girls and what will happen to them. No tangible help. It's almost as though they want to see the OH sitting in a bus shelter with a can of Winston Churchill's favourite Special Brew.

I guess one day at a time, carefully work out what to do and find a way to get there.

Harsh though it is, they're right. Maybe he needs to be a park-bench drunk before reality hits him. But YOU are protecting him, talking to his parents, looking for ways to cope.

GET OUT OF THIS MARRIAGE UNTIL HE IS PERMANENTLY SOBER.

it's the kindest thing you can do for him and you kids, if you love them.

One day at a time staying, or towards getting him out, or you and DC leaving? Hopefully one of the latter.

Al anon, legal, financial, benefits, housing advice.

He is clearly not able or willing to address his problem. You can't control or cure it, only deal with your own and DCs' situation. Nor is it his parents' problem.

If your in laws are worried about the DC should you split up their worry is misplaced and should be about them living with an alcoholic.

Under child safeguarding arrangements the brownies or the school could already have reported your family to social services. If he is in regular sole charge of the DC that won't look good with respect to your suitability as a parent, not just his.

I would argue that these people have also just about had enough and have walked away.

Did you really though expect them to help, I knew they were not going to do so and stated as much to you earlier. You cannot help people like the alcoholic; most people simply end up further enabling them to continue. Your grandmother did that and you are now doing that as well.

You can only help your own self ultimately and doing that will involve ending the relationship you have with the alcoholic. It will be undoubtedly painful but it has to be done.

I would argue that these people have also just about had enough and have walked away.

And so should you.

You cannot help him. But you can and should make a better life for yourself.

"Also please believe me that one day someone will tell SS that your drunk H is caring for your DC"

This is true: Cubs / Beavers etc have signed up to strict safeguarding policies. They cannot release a child into care they do not feel is safe. And the answer here is NOT to stop them going - before that idea takes hold.

Who is supposed to be finding 'coping strategies'? Do the kids have to find a strategy to cope with a parent being banned from being drunk at Brownies? I am quite mystified, OP, by your concern that of all the lines to be crossed to do with the abuse, damage and dysfunction in a family with an alcoholic, that you see infidelity by the non-alcoholic parent as the line not to be crossed.

You need to get your children away from this. If your partner ends up on a park bench etc, that is horrible....but not your responsibility. If your children end up self-harming, under-achieving, at risk of emotional abuse now and in the future, that is horrible, and IS your responsibility. Sorry if that sounds harsh. You have not caused this, your partner has forced you into this position.

Do not stay in a position which is damaging and miserable and not of your making.

Sorry to say but if you don't leave him and your Dds will grow up around him,they will end up in exactly same position as you or worse .There's huge chance they be married to alcoholics or abuse alcohol themselves.Is that what you want for your children?
It is not about DH and its not even about you, its about prioritising your children above all.

At this point I can't say his parents are wrong, if what they're doing by not taking him in is refusing to enable him. But they should be encouraging you to kick him out, too. Not making soothing noises so their destructive alky son will have a roof over his head (at your and the children's expense).

If he won't leave, can you and the children? Go to your parents, a siblings, a hotel? My BFF is struggling with this, despite repeated advice to her to leave him. When he starts drinking she and their DD go to a hotel. It's so wrong, but I'm afraid she just isn't 'there' yet. I think most of hers is financial, though. Where she lives is very expensive and she just can't see that there are ways and means to leave even if you think you can't afford to.

Anyway, as you say, you have reached your final straw. It is really important that you pass your probation period and get the benefit of your hard work, and support your children. As there is no sign of your partner doing anything to control drinking, whilst spending energy telling you that 8 cans is not a problem and being drunk at Brownies is not a problem, why not just save yourself the inevitable hassle and embarrassment , and putting the children in danger, and get rid NOW.

Whether or not they turn up at the ILs is not your concern, and is for the ILs to decide on and sort - not your responsibility or obligation to manage.

Just think what a fresh start, clean slate, new freedom you would have!

OK: how can you arrange safe childcare? Or hours more conducive to the school day etc?
Is your house rented or mortgaged? In whose name?

I don't think the OPs parents are an option.....

I'm reading this feeling sick to my stomach. All the options terrify me, I am reading and listening and thinking and I've got a lot to do.I appreciate what you are all saying

Start with this step: look at finances. Just get a picture of your incoming and outgoings. Once you sort out how (not if) you're going to pay the bills you'll feel much stronger and better. Remember that he'll most likely have to pay child maintenance (does he even work?). This is something you can do quietly, on your own, without having to confront him or discuss anything with him.

I think you'll find that once you've made one step, the rest will follow.

You can cope, on a day to day basis. But this won't stop. Things won't get better. Eventually your feelings about the drinking and your partners behaviour will necessitate action. It's merely a matter of time. If you do not want to be around an alcoholic, you need to either get him to leave or leave yourself. I'm sorry for your situation, I'm familiar with it in some respect but if you want things to be different you need to take action

DependencyInjection

A very wise friend once said that you have to imagine that you & your kids are on a plane; the pressure drops and the oxygen masks come down.
The advice is always to put your mask on before the kids......

Please come back to Al-Anon, just listen listen listen. The tools are there for You to help You. Your priority has to be your kids. Al-Anon is all about You, not the alcoholic.

At the moment you are enabling him......he will continue to behave as he does as he does not have to face the consequences.

As someone said earlier, you are able to make a choice now to do something about your situation. Your kids are not able to.

A lot of us here have got away from it. You will be able to as well.

And you will get bucket loads of strength from us here.

I think many people in your position also felt terrified, and it must seem as if 'it's all so easy to sit there and write 'leave' '.

There will be lots of people here who have felt everything you feel, and will gladly support you, for months.

Can you be specific about what terrified you? The things you are most scared of?

I thought hard about it in the last 24 hours. I was going to say loneliness but I felt a lot of loneliness over the last few years. I was going to say the difficulty of looking after the kids by myself, but I've pretty much been doing that over the last few years. I was going to say the arguments during separation, but given the amount of arguments over the last few years, well that wont change. Sex, well my sex life is dissatisfying.

I opened up the idea to my 10y DD last night on our walk home from cadets, saying that OH may have togo and live with Nana & Papa for a bit, she said is that because of the drinking? It my 7yo DD I'm worried about the most, she seems to be regressing.

There is probably more I could say and drill deeper, I'm wracking my brains for a positive of staying together.It the fact that it's not working and I keep on giving my OH "recipies" that would help rebuild things but it just seems to constantly fall on deaf ears.

No wonder you are at the end of your tether: you are living with your worst fears every day!

Good demonstration to you that you do have the strength to free yourself, and also the resilience to manage your family alone.

So your 10 year old is well aware of the drinking issue (of course). Did she give any other clue as to how she would feel? She knows now that you know it is unacceptable to live subject to someone else's addiction. She may well be expecting you to act.

Take care of yourself, OP.

not working and I keep on giving my OH "recipies" that would help rebuild things but it just seems to constantly fall on deaf ears.

He loves the drink more than you, sorry

PIL aren't responsible for him, you aren't responsible to sort out somewhere for him to go. I think his parents are right not to take him in if you or they are taking the responsibility he doesn't have to.

OP you need to put yourself and the children first, kick him out and there is a chance he will then face reality.

You can be more 'alone' living in a bad marriage than you can ever feel living on your own. I'm going to repeat a phrase I heard recently; Better to be alone than to be wishing you were.

I'm wracking my brains for a positive of staying together

You're having to wrack your brain because there are no positives for staying together.

Bottom line, he loves the booze more than he loves you or his children. Why would you want to come second best to a bottle?

Have no advice but just wanted to send support

OP, has your alcoholic ever attended AA or given any indication that he would be prepared to do so? I speak as one who still attends a weekly meeting to remind myself of what I never want to return to. Often, newcomers sit through their first meeting having thought that it wasn't for them, and the realisation dawns that they are surrounded by others who have the same issues and they're in the right place.

You must leave this man, for your sanity and that of your DCs. Some people have to hit rock bottom before they will make any changes. It's effectively enabling them to allow them to carry on destroying others' lives along with their own.

If you don't leave/kick them out, they won't change - why would they? If you do, they might. You will be both doing the right thing for you and DCs AND giving your OH the best and only shove you can. Up to them if it works. Not up to you.

So its the preferable option. Don't let your kids witness more of this, please. You have come so far from your own awful beginnings. Don't let the progress stall!

it must all be so scary. You might feel better when you start to act though.

So how do you get a recalcitrant entitled person to leave.

My "I can no longer put up with this, I want you to leave" gets a flat no and I'll get better. But we've had situations once a month for the last six years.

I do not have the financial means at all to pack and go with the DD's